Social Anxiety. Tips ?

[SpiralOut]

I must have written a million threads that make it clear I have confidence issues and that I don't always know how to deal with certain types of people. Not sure if I ever came right out and said (though it must be obvious) that I have social anxiety. It is something I try to sweep under the rug, even though I know I have it. I often deny it being as bad as it is.

 

There are specific types of people and instances where my social anxiety gets kicked into high gear:

• women my own age (or younger) who make more money than me
  

• situations that are social only (nothing to do but stand around talking. things like book clubs or fitness groups are okay since there is other stuff to focus on).
  

• clubbing. I've tried it before and survived. It's okay IF I have at least one close friend going with me. Right now I have no close friends in town with me, so the idea of doing it again is terrifying.

• people who love clubbing, like when they start telling stories about getting drunk or being drunk. I immediately fear they won't like me when they find out I'm not like that.

• women who are obviously queen bees. I find these types get angry if you get too much attention. They'll do crazy things to make you shut up. I work with one who disagrees with what I say, then turns around the next day and repeats what I said except she claims it is her own opinion or idea. I feel like I cannot talk when she's in the same room as me.

 

I am okay with small groups of 8 or less. I am better with people I know. Strangers, I get nervous around but I handle them much better than I used to. I've attended so many damn meetup groups over the past few years that I don't panic anymore when I attend one. I have improved tremendously. However, I am the quietest person there in most cases, until I have attended several meetups. I am NOT the type of person who can just meet a bunch of strangers and instantly become friends.

 

I'm posting this because this is a HUGE issue for me and I can't ignore it anymore. Though I'm happy with the steps I have taken, I'm getting tired of restricting myself to small groups and activities based stuff. I still do it. BUT lately I am feeling like why can't I just go out with a group of nice girls and have fun dancing? Shouldn't I be able to do that and have fun?

 

This guy I know keeps inviting me to come out drinking with his friends. They are all outgoing clubbers. I make excuses to not go because I am terrified his friends will think I am weird. I'm worried he'll feel embarassed by me.

 

In the past, a colleague invited me to a kegger. I changed the subject and ran away. A kegger sounds even more horrible than clubbing.

 

Tonight I challenged myself by doing something I wouldn't normally do. I attended a meetup for social women. It was just meeting at someone's house, drinking and talking. Everyone was nice and I think I did okay in terms of not saying anything inappropriate. However I felt very intimidated by some of the women there. I walked away tonight feeling like I didn't fit in. I worry they are talking behind my back about me being weird and hoping I don't show up again. I cannot decide if I should go back or not. This feeling was triggered when I caught the organizers eye in order to say goodbye. The touched my arm, as a way to say goodbye I guess, then she hugged everyone else but me. I don't know if she was acknowledging the fact that I'm a shy person and might not want a hug, or if she just thought I was weird and didn't want to hug me.

 

Whenever I face a challenging social situation, I cannot seem to validate myself. I need to talk to someone about what happened and have them reassure me that it went fine. It doesn't matter how much self-talking I do. I tell myself over and over that I did well, and even if I didn't I still tried so that is what matters. But the feeling of "I'm not good enough" doesn't go away.

 

Does anyone know what I mean? It's very frustrating, because people initially are interested in talking to me until they see my shyness. It is my anxiety, not me as a person, that is costing me friends and a social life.

It is hard for me to date also, because what guy wants a woman with no friends? I feel like I should fix this part of my life before I even consider dating someone seriously.

 

ETA: There have been a few cases where I felt comfortable in the social group, but there was an "alpha" or "queen-bee" female who didn't like me being in it unless I stayed quiet. If I made jokes to make people laugh or disagreed with her on things, she would shut me down or outright insult me or suddenly "forget" to include me in things.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I suck at getting along with women. Seems like either I feel super intimidated by them to the point I can't talk to them, or I'll feel okay enough to be myself which makes them hate me. I do have a few good female friends (outside of town), so it's not impossible for me to befriend women. When I was younger I always had girlfriends. Just seems to be difficult lately....

Edited May 11, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Koopa]

You just have a introverted personality, don't make it a sickness by saying you have social anxiety unless you have panic attacks in social situations, what you described sounds more like insecurity than a panic attack.

 

I used to have a similar problem and still struggle with it some times but then I realize I don't give a F*** what people think and stop being paranoid because they are too worried about what other people think of themselves to be worried about you. Just be yourself and if someone does not like you then F*** that A** hole you don't want to hang out with them anyways.

[SpiralOut]

 

I would also suggest making the effort to go to those social events that you have been avoiding. Tell yourself that it's O.K. if you are not perfect there. You don't need to be perfect or well liked, you just need to be yourself. Don't worry so much if other people like you. Some will and some might not, and that's O.K. By avoiding those social events, you actually increase your anxiety. By exposing yourself to those events, you learn to manage them and learn to tolerate the discomfort. Don't be afraid of the discomfort. The more you expose yourself to the discomfort and learn to manage your social discomfort, the less anxious you will feel.

Okay I guess I'll keep going to them.

 

You just have a introverted personality, don't make it a sickness by saying you have social anxiety unless you have panic attacks in social situations, what you described sounds more like insecurity than a panic attack.

 

 

I refer to it as social anxiety because the counsellor I saw told me that's what I had. I used to be scared of leaving my apartment. I am much better now, so maybe the label no longer applies.

[todreaminblue]

what another poster said about making others feel comfortable helps......when i feel displaced .....i focus on others maybe a little too much ....but i do it anyway.......and i ask them questions how their week was how their family is......and i focus so i stay put with my feet on the ground if i get an attack of anxiety or i feel bad vibes coming i redirect myself and i ask random questions.......ill ask what's your favourite colour, have you seen this movie or that movie..or ill tell them one of my favourite movies or songs or hymns or whatever i can to stay in the moment and not go ...well....elsewhere...and ill find a commonality to keep me grounded and not trying to dissect peoples motives towards me......i have often been a recluse

 

 

in the person i am talking too...i normally find a commonality pretty quickly.......my problems go beyond social anxiety head into the trauma region.......so ......i know i can be too sensitive to others at times and i often fail to relax and just settle, so much so ...i lose time....big fat wads of time......thats why i ask questions and i concentrate on getting to know someone better to keep me grounded..ill talk about my girls because i love them and i will share happy thughts....and it works....try it.....showing an interest in people getting to know them ..letting them see you.....suddenly they arent possible haters or i am under threat and need to run really fast anymore ....they become your friends....and the rest ....tie them to the ceiling fans....smilin...i am kidding...maybe not.....:bunny: bunnies to make you forget the ceiling fan bit..best wishes.......;0).......deb

[iris219]

One of the worst things you can do for anxiety is over think situations. I guarantee you are thinking way more about the woman who touched your arm than she is about you being weird. It's likely she's not thinking about it at all.

 

Stop focusing on what others think of you and focus on what you think of others. Did you have fun? Did you enjoy these ladies' company? If so, go again. If not, don't.

 

People like to talk about themselves. If you feel you don't have much to say ask questions. This takes the spotlight off you.

 

Also, have a drink or two. Many people do this to help with their anxiety.