The rollercoaster ride continues...

[sylviaguardian]

Ok, I apologise in advance. I am not really asking for specific advice here. It is more of a rant! Some of you already know my story: found out my husband was having an EA in July and I've been riding the rollercoaster ever since.

 

My H has broken off all contact to the OW although he still works with her. He has been trying hard to improve our marriage (and so have I). At Christmas time we had a bit of a turning point and things were going quite well. I felt like I was starting to get over it and put things in perspective. At the time though I did feel that I was having to work really hard. I still had doubts but I wanted to make things better so that my H didn't leave (not that he has ever threatened to) and also I wanted to 'prove' to the OW that we could make it despite everything.

 

Now, it seems that feelings I had buried are surfacing. The way I found out about the whole thing was through opening some lovey-dovey text from her to him. At the time my H denied that it was for him and told me some story about how it was for a woman in her office and she had sent it to the wrong place. Amazingly even after the whole story came out, he stuck to this story and when I phoned her up to confront her once she told the same story. At the time I fell for it but it was so stupid that I have confronted my H again and again to admit that it was made-up.

 

This week he caved in and admitted that it had been for him. Doesn't sound so bad, but I realised that they must have cooked up the story together to fob me off and after she told me that story on the phone my H actually stood by and let me write her a letter apologising.

 

Anyway, I am rambling. I have started to admit to myself that 7 months down the line I have not forgiven him. In fact, if I am honest I HATE him sometimes for what he has done to me. If I had known that this would happen and had the choice, I would not have chosen to marry him.

 

I hate the fact, that even now he is coming out and admitting things. It makes me wonder that if I say to him 'I just know you had sex with her' often enough that he will eventually crack and admit to that to. At which point do I start to believe him.

 

Before I was so terrified of him leaving. Now I wonder whether I will be just throwing away my future on a liar who doesn't deserve me.

 

Sylvia

(Please be gentle on me - I am not in the mood for a telling off)

[Ladyjane14]

Is there absolutely no possible way that he could get a job somewhere else?

 

Could it be the fact that he still has this contact with the OW that is keeping you stirred up all the time? It's almost impossible to move on unless you have a NC agreement. And he can't make one, since he's stuck working with her.

[Pocky]

You don't really want to forgive him, yet. Even though you're going through the motions to repair the marriage you're not ready to forgive and forget. Often women feel the need to receive some form of justification for their emotions and it doesn't seem like you've received that. I get the feeling that you don't feel your husband really understands what he's done and in some sense you're looking for retribution. While you may not want to ruin your marriage, in some way you want your husband to understand how he hurt you and possibly hurt as much as you hurt.

 

The thing we have to keep in mind when dealing with this is that the person that has caused your pain may never fully understand how much they've hurt you. And in all honesty, no one will probably ever understand. We can empathize with your feelings and try to put ourselves in your shoes, but we'll never really know the emotions you acquired due to your husband's actions.

 

What it boils down to is that you will never get your justice. It's a hard thing to come to terms with, but once you do you'll start to realize that the more you hold back and the more you allow your anger to fester the only person you're really hurting in the end is yourself. You have to decide if your marriage is something you still want and if it is then you have to allow this experience to pass. No one can expect you to completely forget it, but you have to allow things to move forward if that's what you want to do. You have to allow your husband to make amends as best he can. Crucifying him and the marriage in your mind isn't going to help you come to terms with everything that has happened and it certainly isn't going to allow you to move forward.

 

Think about what you want - do you really want the marriage to last? Do you really want to forgive your husband and move on? If you do, then accept that your suffering is yours alone and no one will be able to completely understand your pain. If you don't, then end the marriage because all you'll do is mentally crucify your husband, your marriage and even yourself until all you're left with is anger and bitterness.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hello Syl....been thinking about you...been wondering about sweetz too...

 

it takes time, hang in there.

 

 

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

...and also I wanted to 'prove' to the OW that we could make it despite everything.

 

First off....you dont need to prove anything to anyone. All that matters right now is healing yourself.

 

 

....At the time I fell for it but it was so stupid that I have confronted my H again and again to admit that it was made-up.

 

This week he caved in and admitted that it had been for him.

 

Syl...after 7 months...you should already have established complete open honesty agreement about everything that has happened in the affair....he needs to be honest to all your questions.

 

 

I hate the fact, that even now he is coming out and admitting things. It makes me wonder that if I say to him 'I just know you had sex with her' often enough that he will eventually crack and admit to that to. At which point do I start to believe him.

 

Exactly the reason why you need 100% honesty. This is must....he must agree to answer your questions honestly. even though they will hurt you and send you back into the box of fear....you need the TRUTH to heal. It is true..the truth sets you free. Otherwise you will harbor doubt and continoue to dwell.

 

Before I was so terrified of him leaving. Now I wonder whether I will be just throwing away my future on a liar who doesn't deserve me.

 

I felt these same things Syl. I never in a million years ever thought about leaving my wife or ever thought about being alone. But during this healing process, I can say that those thoughts are there....I dont like them.....but I have reached a place that I feel more comfortable with myself and that I could make it if I had too. BUT I DONT WANT TOO...I want to make it work...and that is my focus and goal.

 

 

Forgiveness is something you feel, not just words you say...and it takes time.

 

But in my faith, Jesus says, if a man betrays you, forgive him immeadiately. Now thats hard to comprehend and do when you have been hurt emotionaly...but Jesus goes on to say, that you must forgive, but you dont have to trust right away. And that is where it made sense with me....

 

I do forgive my wife.....but its the trust that she needed to earn back...i didnt give that up so easily.....but we are really getting close...and we are more happy now than we have been in a long time.

 

 

Are you two in MC?. I forgot if you were. if not and your are still having trouble with the ride...I would suggest going. I wish you well....talk anytime OK

[sylviaguardian]

Ladyjane - there is really no chance for my H to get a job somewhere else, unless we were all to move and I don't want that to happen. I'm not so concerned about them bein together at work. I know they don't have much contact and I know that the OW is very angry with him because she feels 'dumped' so I am not too concerned about what happens there. My biggest problem is in accepting that I feel he didn't love me as much as I loved him.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

You don't really want to forgive him, yet. Even though you're going through the motions to repair the marriage you're not ready to forgive and forget. Often women feel the need to receive some form of justification for their emotions and it doesn't seem like you've received that. I get the feeling that you don't feel your husband really understands what he's done and in some sense you're looking for retribution. While you may not want to ruin your marriage, in some way you want your husband to understand how he hurt you and possibly hurt as much as you hurt.

 

Think about what you want - do you really want the marriage to last? Do you really want to forgive your husband and move on? If you do, then accept that your suffering is yours alone and no one will be able to completely understand your pain. If you don't, then end the marriage because all you'll do is mentally crucify your husband, your marriage and even yourself until all you're left with is anger and bitterness.

 

Thanks Pocky -really wise words and I will read them again later. You are right I don't want to forgive him yet and I do really want him to understand how I feel. I feel he has wrecked my future. You are right, I know that bitterness and anger is not the basis for moving on. I need to think more about what I want out of life.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

Hello Syl....been thinking about you...been wondering about sweetz too...

 

 

Syl...after 7 months...you should already have established complete open honesty agreement about everything that has happened in the affair....he needs to be honest to all your questions.

 

This is my problem. We DID establish this but he always has 'exceptions'. Like this was an exception because he had insisted for so long that he was telling the truth that he couldn't back down.

 

 

Exactly the reason why you need 100% honesty. This is must....he must agree to answer your questions honestly. even though they will hurt you and send you back into the box of fear....you need the TRUTH to heal. It is true..the truth sets you free. Otherwise you will harbor doubt and continoue to dwell.

 

Owl said to me that you have to know WHAT you are forgiving. I know they texted each other 15-20 times per day but my H will not tell me the content. He says over and over that it was work-related, mundane stuff, maybe a bit of flirting. He is angry that I want to know so much detail. Am I right to keep asking? I just want to know the extent of it and I am angry and frustrated that he knows and he keeps it all locked up like a secret. At which point do you let go Thumbs? When you think you have all the info? Or could it keep going indefinitely?

 

 

I felt these same things Syl. I never in a million years ever thought about leaving my wife or ever thought about being alone. But during this healing process, I can say that those thoughts are there....I dont like them.....but I have reached a place that I feel more comfortable with myself and that I could make it if I had too. BUT I DONT WANT TOO...I want to make it work...and that is my focus and goal.

 

To be honest I never really thought about leaving him and I knew he wasn't going to leave me. It was only yesterday that it dawned on me that it would be nice to just walk away from all this s***, all the lies, all the checking up, and say 'None of that is relevant to me now'. I would like to leave with some self-respect instead of always being the good guy who plays by the rules, puts up with the c***, doesn't tell the OW's husband etc etc.

 

 

Are you two in MC?. I forgot if you were. if not and your are still having trouble with the ride...I would suggest going. I wish you well....talk anytime OK

 

We are not currently. We struggled to arrange it around work and children. We couldn't go through the daytime and don't have a sitter for the kids at night. I agree that we should still have gone. I suppose stupidly we thought we could work it out together. Thanks for the kind words. It's nice to just get things off my chest.

 

Syl

[Cecelius]

No one is going to judge you about your approach to this: you didn't do anything wrong.

[ThumbingMyWay]

This is my problem. We DID establish this but he always has 'exceptions'. Like this was an exception because he had insisted for so long that he was telling the truth that he couldn't back down.

 

Thats the problem....he must come forth on ALL the turth.

 

 

He is angry that I want to know so much detail. Am I right to keep asking? I just want to know the extent of it and I am angry and frustrated that he knows and he keeps it all locked up like a secret. At which point do you let go Thumbs? When you think you have all the info? Or could it keep going indefinitely?

 

He is angry beacuse he just wants to move on....my wife was the same...I kept asking questions....and she kept getting angry. BUT thru counseling...my wife found out that the betrayed spose sometimes needs to ask the question....several times if needed....and several months after. I would ask questions 3 months into recovery and she didnt understand why. But it was a healing process for me....which again thru counseling....she could understand WHY I ask what I ask....instead of just getting angry...she understood, as hard as it was for her to talk about it, she had too in order to help me move on from it.

 

 

 

.... it would be nice to just walk away from all this s***, all the lies, all the checking up, and say 'None of that is relevant to me now'. I would like to leave with some self-respect instead of always being the good guy who plays by the rules, puts up with the c***, doesn't tell the OW's husband etc etc.

 

Thats your pride talking. You are entitled to it. But I am learning that some pride is a hinderence to healing. If you do as you say....JUST LEAVE.....do you really think that would help you heal?....I dont think it would...casue you will still be harboring the negative energy and it will eat you up. You need to learn to deal with this. You both do. And honestly, counseling will help you learn how to deal and process these feelings.

 

 

 

We are not currently. We struggled to arrange it around work and children. We couldn't go through the daytime and don't have a sitter for the kids at night. I agree that we should still have gone. I suppose stupidly we thought we could work it out together.

 

If I were you...I would seriously make some sacrifices to find a way to schedule MC. Talk to a boss or HR person and tell them that YOU need to have time for this during the day. Hubby should to the same. As for sitters, there are local programs you can use to help with this. Churches, community centers, etc. There is a way....just find it.

 

 

thank you too.....I learn from everyone here....all sides of the story help in my process.

[StrawberryGirl]

SYLVIAGUARDIAN~ Maybe you and PEDWIN should get together she is going through the same things...I'd like to help you out more but I am from the OW's perspective. I can not fathom the hurt you experience.

 

At Christmas time we had a bit of a turning point and things were going quite well.

 

Holiday's usually make things better or make things worse and I believe it was a temporary bandaid covering your pain.

 

Now I wonder whether I will be just throwing away my future on a liar who doesn't deserve me.

 

I understand throwing away your future but to help me understand why you would want to throw away a marriage you have invested in, I ask, How long have you guys been married?? I don't believe you should give up, but somehow make your husband realize he needs to be honest if he truly wants your marriage to work or if he doesn't...... for your own good, it will be you walking away from the marriage this time.

 

Have you tried talking to him about this? I think you should try this: catch him when he least expects it, out of the blue one evening suddenly turn off the t.v make the house quiet, tell him you want to talk, sit on the couch and confront him with your thoughts and feelings and really see what it is he has to say about everything you have going on in your mind. Then come back to LS and share with us so we can help you more....Good Luck

[FolderWife]

Honey, I've felt everything you've felt, but not for the same reasons.

 

Porn was our problem.

 

At first, I did everything to make him love me more. At first I was afraid that he wouldn't give it up for me. THEN I started to wonder if I still wanted him after all he had put me through. I hated him at times too. Sometimes, I honestly wished he'd get in an accident on the way home, so I wouldn't have to deal with whether or not I wanted to break up with him, because it would be out of my hands.

 

You're normal. You shouldn't be expected to let this go yet. We're here for you if you need to rant.

[Owl]

Monday-

 

One good thing about it "just" being porn....you could always break both his hands....and THEN what would he do? LOL

[sylviaguardian]

 

I understand throwing away your future but to help me understand why you would want to throw away a marriage you have invested in, I ask, How long have you guys been married??

 

That's a good point - I never thought of it like that. We have been married 8 years, together for 10. I came from a broken home and when we got married and had our first child, I thought at last, I have a chance to be part of a family. Sometimes I wonder if that's part of the problem - I invested so much in it, it meant so much to me, where it wasn't the same for him.

 

Have you tried talking to him about this? I think you should try this: catch him when he least expects it, out of the blue one evening suddenly turn off the t.v make the house quiet, tell him you want to talk, sit on the couch and confront him with your thoughts and feelings and really see what it is he has to say about everything you have going on in your mind.

 

I have actually done this. Last night I told him that I felt he hadn't done much to help things get better and he was astounded but when I pointed out that I can't believe anything he tells me anymore, he saw my point of view more. I sat down with the print out from his phone bills and questioned everything, like why they texted each other 4-5 times in quick succession first thing in the morning, why he texted at 1.30 am - the whole lot. He tried his best to answer and I didn't like a lot of the answers. They hurt like h*ll. Like she would keep texting him on nights out with her friends and say I wish you were here, or text from bed saying it's cold, I could do with a warm body etc

 

I told my H how my feelings for him had changed and asked if he could live with that. He said he would put up with anything. I really hurt him with some of the things I said as well. I told him that I'd thought about walking away and holding my head up high.

 

The funny thing is we went to bed in separate rooms and I had a nightmare. He was in the corner of the room whispering into the phone and I heard him say "I love you too babe". I sat up and said "Are you talking to XXX?" He hung up the phone and just turned and sadly and said "Yes". Then she phoned back and I grabbed the phone and started shouting at her. She laughed at everything I said, then told me that my H was leaving me to live with her. When I confronted him he said he was and I said "Don't you love me anymore?" He said "Yes, but not as much as XXX".

 

When I woke up I was crying and knew that I didn't want to be apart from him. What a mess. Sometimes I wonder how on earth we ended up like this. I thought we were happy.

 

Monday - I can understand how you feel about the porn -it would upset me too. It's strange isn't how different things can affect us in the same way. I think it's the betrayal.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks to you all for your advice - i have read and re-read it. I just wanted you all to know that things have been better for me. My H and I had a meal out booked that we were going to cancel but we went anyway. It was a nice night because we had to talk about other things. It's amazing how things just fall into place when we are not talking about the A.

 

One other thing I wanted to ask others about is the nightmares. Since all this started I have had nightmares every night. Sometimes about my H and the OW but lately I've started to dream about women from the past. I wake up feeling awful.

 

I feel so insecure now that I have been going over things that happened a long time ago in the past and wondering whether my H has ever done anything like this before with anyone else. Did any of you experience this? Where you just start to doubt absolutely everything that's ever seemed vaguely suspicious in the past?

 

Sylvia