Leaving Them (Borderline Personalities)

[The Like Fairy]

This is an excellent article that really helps explain how to leave an abusive partner, particularly ones with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it can be applied to exiting relationships with many different types of abusive personalities.

 

**********

 

Separating from "The Borderline" often involves three stages:

 

The Detachment,

 

Ending the Relationship, and the

 

Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan.

 

Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.

 

In many cases, "The Borderline" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...

 

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

 

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

 

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

 

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

 

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession.

 

In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

 

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues.

 

Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

 

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" rarely or never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship.

 

"The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you.

 

Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!"

 

They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

 

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger.

 

Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

 

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship."

 

The rest of this excellent article can be found here:

 

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personalty Disorder-Joe Carver, PhD

 

Written by Dr. Joseph Carver, PhD, Psychiatrist and Personality Disorder Expert and Author

Edited May 11, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[Downtown]

TLF, thanks for the link to that professionally written article at BPDfamily. That site has more than a dozen insightful articles about BPD in its resources section. The one you cite is excellent. My other favorite is Article 9 at Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[EverLastluv]

Thanks

My intention was getting in clean and getting out clean from any relationship. so I prepare my self and learn to be independent over the years being single. I learned my mistake from my past. It takes alot cnfidence in a person to to excape from desaster, laying low now until.....

[freestyle]

It really IS safer to allow a Borderline, (or a Narcissist)(or an individual with both traits) to believe that ending the relationship is their own idea.....

 

I once knew a woman who was in an abusive marriage. When she realized & truly acknowledged the depth of his instability, and capacity for irrational rage---She knew the only way to live safely with her kids, was to become boring---(and very sloppy---she stopped doing housework, & neglected her looks) He finally got disgusted enough to leave, of his own volition, and she quietly disappeared to raise her kids in a much safer & stable environment.

 

She told that he was the type who would have never been able to handle the ego injury of her leaving him--that he would have stalked her relentlessly...

 

 

Smart woman.

 

I believed her when she told me the story, but I didn't really understand on a deep level, until I had a few run-ins with Cluster B personalities myself...

Now I really appreciate where she was coming from.

 

with abusive types, playing your cards very close to your chest, can be life-saving.

[lollipopspot]

That's interesting because the way I have sometimes in the past dealt with rejecting others is getting them to reject me, because I find it so hard to reject someone and I don't want to hurt them. It feels weak to do this, but I think it can be a good strategy, especially with someone who might be dangerous.

 

I've thought the strategy of acting crazy or gross could sometimes work in volatile or dangerous acquaintance or stranger situations too, but it's always a gamble.

[Emilia]

When I cut contact with my ex back in January I waited until I knew he was ready, though I walked away. I followed it up a couple of months later with a text asking how he was, knowing full well that he wouldn't respond. So now it's in his court and of course he won't be in touch anymore. Makes no odds to me who has the final say as long as it's done for good.

[todreaminblue]

i wrote this long spiel...decided to delete....this thread actually makes me feel a bit wrong reading it.......like one day there might be another thread and it will contain how to get rid of someone like me who has a mental illness like me...

 

i understand the threat aspect .......i understand wanting to escape violence or domestic abuse in a relationship or just wong people in general...that it is specific to a debilitating emotional and mental disorder the methods used are hide your valuables.......lie, bore them to death, and watch out when they panic with detachment anxiety, steer clear get yorusefl support .....instead of get them support.....look after number oen now...**** them......till they find another victim.......cuts a bit deep ....considering ......i would really loathe anyone to feel like they had to read something similar to what is given in this thread to get away from me......all they would have to do with me is say f uck off deb.....never want to see you again.......and i would go...wouldnt most......just leave.....i dotn overstay my welcome heck i have trouble sending two texts in a row i feel guilty ....most mentally ill people dotn liek to be a burden ...it is my worst fear actually

 

 

i could never do this to someone.......i would get the person help.......i would notify proper mental health authority as i recently ended a relationship i am in contact with mental health, they actually contact me too and i help them locate him or let them know what has happened.... as he is a level four schizophrenic.......i am his friend still i have to learn to say no but i am his friend....but then i am friends with all my exes probably because i am mentally ill........best wishes in freeing yourself......deb

[Emilia]

i wrote this long spiel...decided to delete....this thread actually makes me feel a bit wrong reading it.......like one day there might be another thread and it will contain how to get rid of someone like me who has a mental illness like me...

 

i understand the threat aspect .......i understand wanting to escape violence or domestic abuse in a relationship or just wong people in general...that it is specific to a debilitating emotional and mental disorder the methods used are hide your valuables.......lie, bore them to death, and watch out when they panic with detachment anxiety, steer clear get yorusefl support .....instead of get them support.....look after number oen now...**** them......till they find another victim.......cuts a bit deep ....considering ......i would really loathe anyone to feel like they had to read something similar to what is given in this thread to get away from me......all they would have to do with me is say f uck off deb.....never want to see you again.......and i would go...wouldnt most......just leave.....i dotn overstay my welcome heck i have trouble sending two texts in a row i feel guilty ....most mentally ill people dotn liek to be a burden ...it is my worst fear actually

 

 

i could never do this to someone.......i would get the person help.......i would notify proper mental health authority as i recently ended a relationship i am in contact with mental health, they actually contact me too and i help them locate him or let them know what has happened.... as he is a level four schizophrenic.......i am his friend still i have to learn to say no but i am his friend....but then i am friends with all my exes probably because i am mentally ill........best wishes in freeing yourself......deb

BPD is not a mental illness Deb. It's a personality disorder. This is who they are, this is their personality. There is no cure for it, very few ever manage to get through to the other side.

 

I understand why this thread seems heartless but people cannot be expected to sacrifice themselves for someone that cannot be helped. Especially as trying to save them usually makes things worse because of what it triggers in the BPDer (abandonment & engulfment, a constant ever-present dynamic).

 

Unless they commit something like an attempted suicide or attack someone, they cannot be locked up or anything like this. My BPDer ex is the only one I've ever cut contact with partly because being close to him made me realise I grew to tolerate dysfunction highly. It made me curious and I stopped trying to surround myself with healhy(er) people.

[M30USA]

BPD is not a mental illness Deb. It's a personality disorder. This is who they are, this is their personality. There is no cure for it, very few ever manage to get through to the other side.

 

I understand why this thread seems heartless but people cannot be expected to sacrifice themselves for someone that cannot be helped. Especially as trying to save them usually makes things worse because of what it triggers in the BPDer (abandonment & engulfment, a constant ever-present dynamic).

 

Unless they commit something like an attempted suicide or attack someone, they cannot be locked up or anything like this. My BPDer ex is the only one I've ever cut contact with partly because being close to him made me realise I grew to tolerate dysfunction highly. It made me curious and I stopped trying to surround myself with healhy(er) people.

 

Thank you for sharing this.

[freestyle]

i wrote this long spiel...decided to delete....this thread actually makes me feel a bit wrong reading it.......like one day there might be another thread and it will contain how to get rid of someone like me who has a mental illness like me...

 

i understand the threat aspect .......i understand wanting to escape violence or domestic abuse in a relationship or just wong people in general...that it is specific to a debilitating emotional and mental disorder the methods used are hide your valuables.......lie, bore them to death, and watch out when they panic with detachment anxiety, steer clear get yorusefl support .....instead of get them support.....look after number oen now...**** them......till they find another victim.......cuts a bit deep ....considering ......i would really loathe anyone to feel like they had to read something similar to what is given in this thread to get away from me......all they would have to do with me is say f uck off deb.....never want to see you again.......and i would go...wouldnt most......just leave.....i dotn overstay my welcome heck i have trouble sending two texts in a row i feel guilty ....most mentally ill people dotn liek to be a burden ...it is my worst fear actually

 

 

i could never do this to someone.......i would get the person help.......i would notify proper mental health authority as i recently ended a relationship i am in contact with mental health, they actually contact me too and i help them locate him or let them know what has happened.... as he is a level four schizophrenic.......i am his friend still i have to learn to say no but i am his friend....but then i am friends with all my exes probably because i am mentally ill........best wishes in freeing yourself......deb

 

 

 

Awwww (((((hugs))) Deb. I can see how this would be triggering for you.

 

And it's not advice I would normally give, I don't believe that those who will struggle with mental illness should be abandoned.

 

Normally---I get disgusted with using those passive aggressive tactics, (trying to turn someone off so much, that they walk away) because those tactics are often used by the types who simply don't want to be accountable for their own emotions. And it is really hurtful to be rejected that way, I've been through it a few times over the years, myself.

 

Like Emilia said--we're talking about those people with ingrained personality disorders, who have a propensity for violence, as well as a complete inability & unwillingness to look at their own behavior. Those types, the Cluster B's---will never get help, because:

its.ALWAYS.someone.else's.fault.

 

In those types of extreme situations, where someone has demonstrated irrational rage & violence----a safe escape can mean the difference between life & death. For example in the story I told about the woman with the three kids---she was already getting beaten, & once he started in on her children, too---she knew she had to escape.

[lollipopspot]

i would really loathe anyone to feel like they had to read something similar to what is given in this thread to get away from me......all they would have to do with me is say f uck off deb.....never want to see you again.......and i would go...wouldnt most......just leave.....i dotn overstay my welcome heck i have trouble sending two texts in a row i feel guilty

 

Because you are this person - and so am I, someone doesn't have to tell me to leave twice - anyone using these strategies on us would be misperceiving who we are. Then that becomes about them and their own misperceptions and fears.

 

But there are some people - I have known and experienced them, thankfully not as intimate partners - who will not give up. Every emotion they have is plastered onto you. You feel stalked and threatened. It's dangerous and time consuming. For those people it is necessary to be self defensive. I have a family member who has literally been stalked for decades by a woman who will not leave him in peace. Any chance encounter in their town sets off a whole host of disturbing contact in any way she can manage it, always on the edge of legal. He knew her as a professional, not even a partner.

[ThatMan]

Just a reminder that shelters exist specifically to give women the option to get themselves out of abusive relationships, and to keep that option available at all times. So while trying to persuade a bpd spouse to leave on their own accord might have worked for some, remaining in a dangerous and potentially life-threatening situation isn't the only option.

[Babolat]

I have, somewhat, personal experience with this from a woman I recently tried to date:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/473637-how-manage-when-your-partners-ex-stalking-them

 

She left him and he has made it his life's goal to make her miseerable ever since, 3+ years ago. He has even communicated this to her. I wish she knew about this strategy 3+ years ago, and I am sure she does too. It's a mess now, police, attorneys, court date, he's been arrested 3 times last I heard. Unfortunately even after all this, and if he goes to jail, my best guess is he is not done.

[Babolat]

Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger.

Bingo, even 3+ years later, after she left him.

[The Like Fairy]

Awwww (((((hugs))) Deb. I can see how this would be triggering for you.

 

Like Emilia said--we're talking about those people with ingrained personality disorders, who have a propensity for violence, as well as a complete inability & unwillingness to look at their own behavior. Those types, the Cluster B's---will never get help, because:

its.ALWAYS.someone.else's.fault.

 

In those types of extreme situations, where someone has demonstrated irrational rage & violence----a safe escape can mean the difference between life & death. For example in the story I told about the woman with the three kids---she was already getting beaten, & once he started in on her children, too---she knew she had to escape.

 

Yes Deb, please don't take this thread personally, - this thread is not about someone like yourself, a kind, loving soul! Quite the opposite!

 

These personality disordered folks are often a nasty bunch (not always, but often). Not nice at all. Vengeful and hateful, fueled by negative energy. At least, in the worst case scenarios.

 

Here's a book about it that explains it well:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Being-without-Stooping/dp/0071410228

 

Revenge, domination, control, manipulation, deceit, power, lack of personal responsibility, lack of integrity, and having the upper hand is a big theme in their lives.

 

I would never think that would describe you whatsoever. No worries!

Edited May 21, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[freestyle]

Yes Deb, please don't take this thread personally, - this thread is not about someone like yourself, a kind, loving soul! Quite the opposite!

 

 

I would never think that would describe you whatsoever. No worries!

 

Hear, hear.

 

Deb---please know that you are widely loved & appreciated here.

You bring such poetry & vision to everything you write, & your kindness & compassion inspires me to be a better person.

[todreaminblue]

thankyou freestyle i care about you too, an thankyou to everyone who posted clarification on what you are discussing.....and kind supportive posts makes me feel a bit of a sooky(teary) but thanks....

 

i know the justice system fails on stalkerish behaviors and in domestic violence its always a little too late.......and never enough...due to the nature of the abuse is often hidden and hard to bring to light......with men of course as well .......when psychological abuse is hard to prove and so easily denied.....

 

i have in the past helped women in domestic violence situations ....once i got beaten and i was only a teen for not allowing the guy through the security door into my little bedsit where i had his gf hidden, not so hidden because he followed me home from work and gave me the worst beating of my life to date and in another the guy actually was violent with her after he found out she had talked to me....he was angry that she made me think badly of him....... i organised a "hidden" domestic violence shelter for her......where he wouldn't find her..she has three chidlren and drugs were involved........i dont even know where that shelter is for specific reasons......they say it takes seven times for someone in a domestic violence situation to actually leave and stay that way

 

 

what i do really believe in is that most of these people who commit these crimes against others haven't got any disorder at all........that they are just people who lack compassion and thought for others and it is a mental choice they make ......i think lacking compassion is a a sign of a sick heart and not a disorder and i dont think that they can be treated from false means......or medication........i think it would take subliminal and actual conditioning of truth from compassionate hearts in reverse

 

 

Every act of violence that i have seen and been there in the midst of it....or on the receiving end of has been with someone who had no disorder other than drugs and or alcohol and or familial alcohol and drug, gambolling dependency down long lines of family......

 

addictions ......coupled with selfishness and lack of compassion

 

 

these can be treated

 

 

i do believe that people who feel no compassion or empathy for others need to be shown respect for two reasons

 

one because no one has a right to disrespect another

 

and the second is like brings like......you cannot expect someone to respect you if you dont give them healthy respect

 

 

even if that respect is respect given because that you know what they are capable of.......you need to show it....not with deceit but with honesty......and compassion metered in a relationship that needs to end

 

 

and that justice system .......needs improving to protect the rights and space of compassionate caring people.......the people who continue to stalk exes and cause physical and bodily emotional harm need to be dealt with firmly and consequences quick and precise....... no hesitation......and all of this shouldbe done with honesty no games no lies , no mucking around but always with respect......more shelters and abuse hot lines , more people willing to get involved and offer beds to families who need a place before they find the shelter.....more community involvement in bringing things to light and understanding......not the "not my problem" scenario my show is abotu to start.....theres organisations to help that person why should i...i say you shoudl because organisations are not always available when you need them...ever tried to get through to a shelter on the phone and be told they are full....i needed to get away from someone once they were full i had to stay in my bedsit alone.......the guy harassing me wasnt a partner

 

one reason why there are continuing problems with people who show nasty ways....is the communities ability to not want involvement, that is why the system fails....strength in compassion love and number s ......no none shoudl ever feel alone.....and that is the problem when someone is getting stalked......they feel alone......misunderstood.......and neglected ...a burden and a problem.......

 

 

if everyone were to go to a person who screamed for help and show that strength in compassionate numbers you dont need deceit or games......,.......then that is when you have change........until then, someone who is copping abuse sexual or otherwise has to lie to have hope of help and scream fire ...to get people to notice......

 

 

you shouldnt have to yell fire ...when there is none and get questioned why didnt you let anyone know what was actually going on.....you should know the community that sits behind their front doors will get involved if they know the truth..... so who truly has the disorder........is it that one person who is stalking you ...or the community who refuses to show compassion in acknowledgement to help someone who is being beaten.....whose problem is it really....i say it is ours to own and make better.....mine and yours.......maybe then ....justice can be served with honesty as it is meant to be served.....

 

 

i often have been told its not your responsibility to save the world.....i know i cant.......but i can help someone who calls for my help.....and if i do that ...i initiate a change to someones life......as a community even here on loveshack what we say or write initiates change......thats what i want to do......what everyone needs and wants to feel safe........but to do that........you need numbers......i know i cant do it on my own.......

 

 

you have to know your opponent in a fight...any fight......abuse of any form.......is a community fight and a lack of compassion from a silent community and the perpetrator......not an isolated disorder owned by a violent individual against another individual...it occurs because it is known to be an avoidant issue on a communities behalf.....or there are a lot of people who have border line personality disorders walking around...i dont feel this is true.....and i have looked into the eyes of a guy kicking my head in ...he had no disorder ......he was pissed.....and the windows and door behind my head remained shut.......and silent, there were people behind those windows as the guy made me realize how short life could be for me.....i have a permanent reminder when i dance a certain way of those minutes of my life......its easy to blame this guy try and pinpoint him into some pidgeon hole of a disorder......what about the windows and the doors that contained healthy active people

 

 

most of the posts here are about stalkers and really nasty people.......its not the disorder ......it is the community who refuses to help when someone calls out.......the justice system fails due to the silence kept on abuse and the people who dont want to witness it by helping ...they go blind all of a sudden and deaf to pleas for help......

 

 

 

............strength in numbers with honesty and compassion and of course....justice......imagine a community that stood behind every victim of abuse there would be no need for lies so justice can be served...witnesses and change......

 

 

i have been abused and i am not just an idealist i am a realist....abuse is painful......no one should ever feel alone in abuse........i am sorry for the diatribe......i hope you can maybe understand my view....

 

 

the worst thing said in that article....let him move on to another victim.....that....right there....is the problem and the community disorder........deb

Edited May 22, 2014 by todreaminblue

[M30USA]

what i do really believe in is that most of these people who commit these crimes against others haven't got any disorder at all........that they are just people who lack compassion and thought for others and it is a mental choice they make ......i think lacking compassion is a a sign of a sick heart and not a disorder and i dont think that they can be treated from false means......or medication........i think it would take subliminal and actual conditioning of truth from compassionate hearts in reverse

 

Wow, very profound. I agree with your theory. What we now call a "personality disorder" we used to call plain old wickedness, bad character, or even demonic possession.

 

Blue, from your personal experience with being abused, what have you noticed about the family of the abuser? Do you believe the family enables their abuse? Or did they cause their child/relative to become an abuser by first abusing them? I have a hard time believing that a normal, healthy individual can come from a stable home that has no mental disorders.

Edited May 22, 2014 by M30USA

[todreaminblue]

Wow, very profound. I agree with your theory. What we now call a "personality disorder" we used to call plain old wickedness, bad character, or even demonic possession.

 

Blue, from your personal experience with being abused, what have you noticed about the family of the abuser? Do you believe the family enables their abuse? Or did they cause their child/relative to become an abuser by first abusing them? I have a hard time believing that a normal, healthy individual can come from a stable home that has no mental disorders.

 

 

 

major trauma and neglect in most cases...drugs....alcohol...gambolling.....funnily enough all against gods principals mouse a.....funny that....i wont go on i could easily though...........coupled with no support or the commandment love thy neighbour as thy self.....so in my mind protect and serve....... so no support from any source...

 

including neighbours who heard and did nothing........a lot of silence and shame and ignorance .....a lot of pity...who needs that...certainly not a victim...they need defending and support not pity..pity is often inactive.....and useless......you need empathy..they need compassion and compassion isnt pity either.....supposed normal healthy individuals are maybe "normal and healthy" because they dont have to choose to or confront or are in any way active in stopping or witnessing trauma or abuse.....they often turn away and look after themselves think poor woman someone should help her......or if they are confronted with abuse they listen to normal healthy psychologists who tell them how to make an abuser go onto another victim perpetrating not an end to violence but the beginning of allowing abuse to continue to an unfortunate other victim......who then is responsible....the perpetrator or the healthy minded instigator.....violence comes from healthy homes as well......because of acceptance and lack of personal responsibility.....you have to stop violence quickly ...not pretend or push it on to someone else to deal with...because in actual fact......an abusive individual ....often will come back anyway........i think and strongly feel the community is the one with the disorder......and i do my best not to have this disorder myself even if it affects me directly i would risk it to stop abuse.......any way i can even if i am really scared ill still stand in the way...........deb

Edited May 22, 2014 by todreaminblue

[M30USA]

major trauma and neglect in most cases...drugs....alcohol...gambolling.....funnily enough all against gods principals mouse a.....funny that....i wont go on i could easily though...........coupled with no support or the commandment love thy neighbour as thy self.....so in my mind protect and serve....... so no support from any source...

 

including neighbours who heard and did nothing........a lot of silence and shame and ignorance .....a lot of pity...who needs that...certainly not a victim...they need defending and support not pity..pity is often inactive.....and useless......you need empathy..they need compassion and compassion isnt pity either.....supposed normal healthy individuals are maybe "normal and healthy" because they dont have to choose to or confront or are in any way active in stopping or witnessing trauma or abuse.....they often turn away and look after themselves think poor woman someone should help her......or if they are confronted with abuse they listen to normal healthy psychologists who tell them how to make an abuser go onto another victim perpetrating not an end to violence but the beginning of allowing abuse to continue to an unfortunate other victim......who then is responsible....the perpetrator or the healthy minded instigator.....violence comes from healthy homes as well......because of acceptance and lack of personal responsibility.....you have to stop violence quickly ...not pretend or push it on to someone else to deal with...because in actual fact......an abusive individual ....often will come back anyway........i think and strongly feel the community is the one with the disorder......and i do my best not to have this disorder myself even if it affects me directly i would risk it to stop abuse.......any way i can even if i am really scared ill still stand in the way...........deb

 

Do you believe that spoiling a child can have the same effect as neglect?

[todreaminblue]

Do you believe that spoiling a child can have the same effect as neglect?

 

 

 

i think teaching a child not to take responsibility is a cause for concern....i spoilt my son i took responsibility for him.....and i fought for him to have lesser consequences.......he was my child though and i realize i made rather large mistakes parenting him...he now blames me for the state of his life.....mainly lack of money and me having and always having had struggles raising five children i was not in the position to ever buy my children a car or save money for them.I have always however taught them to own what they do to another......he now has no contact with me and will not let me see my grandchildren...he disowned me as his mother........i did him no favors from protecting him from consequences those are now my consequences to face i might have prevented him from what he deserved to have so therefore i created a cycle..........by isolation from my grandchildren and by my own son those are my consequences.....so spoiling a child to me ....is not allowing them to face what they should......so now i face it instead as i did when i defended him and fought for him against a very strict and unforgiving judge, for months to allow him early release from the juvenile justice system under my care....i am now paying for that ...it did spoil him yes...but that was not neglect on my part...i risked my health, my relationship which failed shortly after, i gave everything i had...and i lost nearly everything i had..... for him..i dont think that can be classed as neglect in normal society...failure as a parent yes.....i failed.....deb

Edited May 22, 2014 by todreaminblue