Should I give her a letter?

[JamesW]

She left me 7 weeks ago. We are no contact and she is moving across the country. Should I send her this letter?

 

My wife left me almost two months ago. She is moving to to washington state in a month. I begged and pleaded but now have gone no contact for almost three weeks. Washington is a no fault state and she plans to file divorce there. I live in ohio. I wrote her a letter that I want to give her before she moves but want to know what others think?

 

". Dear wife,

This is a hard letter for me to write. There is so much I want to say to you but I don't know how to express it to you. I hope that by the end of this letter you understand what I want to say. I did many things wrong and I now see why I did those things. I sincerely apologize for all the hurt I put you through. I have learned immensely from this and will use my knowledge to grow. I do hope that someday our paths will cross again on different terms, but I accept that may never happen. I also hope that your life becomes exactly what you want it to be and you find what makes you happy. If you get nothing else from this letter, I want you to know that I am truly grateful to have had you on my life, as my spouse, and for everything you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, making me completely different and better person, and showing me how I needed to change.

First, I want you to know that I hold absolutely no anger or resentment toward you for not being in my life right now. I completely understand that these are the consequences of my actions. I did not accept you for who you are, I love exactly the woman that you are. Because I did not accept you for who you are, i then tried to control your life. I was so afraid of you finding someone better that I pushed and pushed until you finally left me. Once you left me I kept pushing. I pushed for you to take me back until finally I pushed until you didn't want to speak to me anymore. This was a result of my fear, my insecurities, and my low self esteem. I became completely consumed with addiction and onsession. I did this to cope with life. To cope with my fears and my insecurities. Instead of fixing the issues in our marriage and trying, I drank and became angry and lazy-smoking marijuana obsessively. Instead of taking responsibility for where I was wrong and changing what I needed to, I lied to you-swept it under the rug- making it impossible for you to trust anything I said or did. I did not deal with reality-I escaped from reality. By constantly escaping from reality I neglected your needs and I neglected my needs. Through my neglect and anger I made this your only option to find happiness.

When we got married, I never thought it would end up like this and I never believed that we would end up apart. I am sorry. I am sorry that I made such a hostile living environment and made your life a living hell. I made you very unhappy for a very long time. I I sincerely apologize that I tried to control your life and change you. Please forgive me for rejecting your love and making you so very lonely. I was selfish. I did not treat you the way a man should treat his wife. I slept on the couch and made you extremely lonely. I was impulsive, manipulative, mean and angry. I did not respect you or your values and I did not value you many times. For all that I did, from the bottom of my heart I want to express my deepest and most sincere apologies. There are so many more appologies that I owe you. Appologies for scaring you and destroying your trust in me. Many more that words cannot express. So for all the hurt I causes I hope that you will truly forgive me and accept my apology.

As much as I wish I could, I cannot change the past. However, I have changed. I have learnt from my mistakes. I now value other people. I value their values. I respect others. I have learned this by making real friends from AA. People who actually care about me. Sober people. I have learned to trust people. I never knew how to trust people because I surrounded myself with people who did not live in reality. People who used drugs and alcohol to escape. People who were not trust worthy. I know that removing the addictions from my life was only the first step in making me a good an loving man. I know that I have a long road to recovery and I know that you are not able to be there for me while i walk that road. I am continuing therapy and

working every day to fix the cognitive and behavioral defects that plague me. I know that everyone deserves a chance no material their skin color, where they are from, or what they enjoy. I now know that I am not better than anyone else. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone can like what they like and be who they want to be. Everyone is allowed to make their own choices of what they want and how they want to live. I learned that you get to live your life how you wanted to live it and I should have never tried to stop that. And from now on I will live my life in that knowledge and improve my life to be respectful of others and their boundaries. I want you to know that these changes are permanent!

I want to reach out to you many times. I want to call you and text you. I want to be your friend, your husband. I understand that is not what you want. You may never accept my change and you may never care. I understand that it will take you a very long time for you to ever truly forgive me. I hope that someday you will find it in your heart to trust me again. I hope that someday you will open your heart to me again. I hope that some day you will allow me back into your life and bak into your heart. I know that I have no say in that. It is up to you if it will ever happen. I know that you may never; reach out, speak to me, love me, trust me, open your heart, let me back into your life. I know that is the consequences of my actions. I know that I am responsible.

I pray from the bottom of my heart for your complete happiness. I hope that you have true love. I hope that for your future you can always live life the way that you want to live it. That you have constant good health, peace, and serenity. I pray daily for your beliefs; such as, women's rights and equality, and the abolishment of racism. I want you to truly live life tonics fullist capacity. I did not let you live and I hope that you truly live and be happy. God has helped me through this and I pray for him to always be there for you. I pray for whats best for you, what ever that may be and I pray for your future.

If I never hear from you again. If I never see you again- then I want to say goodbye. I want to thank you. For what you have me and are giving me. For sobriety. Thank you for being my wife and thank you for trying so hard. Thank you for the change in my thinking, perception, and view on life. For everything you taught me and everything you did for me. Thank you for the greatest love I ever felt."

[JamesW]

Is the letter too long?

[3blindmice]

There are many things that could factor into whether to send the letter.

 

Could she use it as proof for something to hurt you in the divorce, or another way?

 

If you have step children you want to see there is provisions for that in WA. You should check wastington's laws before sending anything in writing to her.

 

Here is a link explaining the divorce laws in washinton state.

 

http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/files/DIVORCE%20AND%20FAMILY%20LAW%20IN%20WASHINGTON.pdf

[JamesW]

Washington has no jurisdiction over my assets unless I give it to them. I want her not to file.

[3blindmice]

I don't know your story but what if you send the letter and never hear anything back from her? You might wonder if she got it, you won't know if she reads it unless she tells you.

 

Sending the letter has the ability to make you hurt more if you don't get the result you would like. I would just tell her, you still loved her and then do the 180. I would also try to make my heart colder towards her and start dating.

 

If she's leaving to be with an affair partner, she may be back when things don't go her way in the new relationship. By that time you may have healed enough that you won't want to get back together.

 

There is no way you can stop someone who wants to leave. The more you hang on the more they are done. All you can do is take what you learned in this relationship and use it in your next relationship.

 

I'm sorry it took so long to reply. My soon to be ex gave me a notice last night about yard work needing to be done in the house I'm moving to that had to be done by tomorrow. So I had to take care of that.

[Hope Shimmers]

Is the letter too long?

 

Yes.

 

Plus I think it would be much more effective if this came from you directly rather than in the form of a letter.

[d0nnivain]

Send it if you want but understand 2 things: these types of letters rarely work and at some point you will end up having to re-read it as an exhibit to some motion she & her lawyer will file against you in the divorce.

[JamesW]

I am trying to move on. Maybe the letter is a bad idea. I have stopped talking to her, attend AA daily, see a therapist once a week. I have a date in two days. I've been working out and eating better. I've lost 15 pounds. I took up more hours at work, cut my hair and shaped my beard. I have worked on my cognitive and behavioral problems daily. I've cleaned my apartment and my car. I hang out with friends. I'm a completely different man since she left me. I still cry every day and just really want to try one more thing to let her see my changes before she moves. I know if I contact her that she will respond, she always did. But that is not the best I think. I am doing everything I'm supposed to but it doesn't stop my heart from aching just as much as the day she left me. I just want a way for her to see I'm different. I guess the letter isn't the way, but how?

[d0nnivain]

She's never going to see that you have changed & are different because she doesn't want to. Sorry.

[JamesW]

So just move on, get no closure, and never talk to her again?

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately, yes. Closure is a myth. The other person rarely has the words to express why the relationship went wrong. Even if they told you, it's hard to hear & accept.

 

Take whatever has been said to date & try to move on without hoping to beat the dead horse.

[Yasuandio]

Don't do it. It is just a bunch of words - and parts are redundant, and not convincing.

 

Use action instead. Show her.

 

The "evidence" factor is the BIGGEST issue. Yas

[heartbroken2014]

She's never going to see that you have changed & are different because she doesn't want to. Sorry.

 

I needed this! it hurts, but it is true....

[heartbroken2014]

I did something like this, but it made me feel worst because I didn't get any answer...you may think that it would do something good, but it doesn't....you can do it if you want, but be ready to face that she is not gonna read it, she is not gonna care, or you are gonna make her angrier...

 

It is better to move on...I was also looking for closure, and I made things worst...It hurt me so bad, but I learnt from your mistakes...people where telling me do the 180, and I didn't pay attention to them because I had hopes...but those hopes were burnt when he finally reply my messages telling me that we will never be together...He left me one day after telling me that he love me...he never gave me an explanation, and he never will...

 

Probably you may think that it is all your fault...but it is not...marriage is about two..you cannot make her to forgive you, but you can start forgiving yourself...remember that Christ came here to clean us from our sins...

 

Keep working in yourself, Pray and make yourself happy...