Retaliatory affair

[deelite77]

I caught my boyfriend , now ex , the other day cheating on me. It was so devastating to me and I just lost it. I became enraged. The girl was actually mouthing off to me. She was trying to tell me she wasn't to blame. I didn't see it that way. I really wanted to hurt her but she was refusing to step up. I wanted to fight him too and he wouldn't step up. I went in to a verbal tirade. She finally leaves and he starts blaming me for the entire thing. I also got him to confess about someone else. I was beyond livid I don't think I've been thinking clearly since. I told him I was going to go out and do the same. I guess he didn't believe me. I spoke to him the next day and he was crying about what had happened was calling the other girl derogatory names. As if it makes me feel better that he slept with a girl he couldn't give a crap about. I told him after I left his house that night I went to go sleep with a friend of mine I knew who would of been more then happy to cater to the situation. I guess he still was skeptical. Last night I sent him proof of my indiscretion. The ex flipped out. Came to my house this morning cursing and yelling. No I don't feel ashamed or guilty. I don't think I made a poor choice on lowered my standards. I clearly told him what I was going to do and why. I didn't do it behind his back. As far as I'm concerned it was over when I saw the girl in his room. I enjoyed what did and I make no excuses. I will not be a doormat I will not let him feel he got over on me. I will not condone being humiliated. Most of all I did want to hurt him. There I had a revenge affair and I'm glad I did. I do not feel I devalued myself. I am not ashamed. I simply shifted the situation to let him know he was not in control.

[Tressugar]

My former co worker did exactly what you did, but she remained married to the husband that cheated on her.

 

I don't blame you for what you did. In fact, I think I would do the same thing if put in the same situation as you experienced.

 

I think with those types of indiscretion are justifiable.

[ja123]

Ummm ... good for you, I guess?

[dragon_fly_7]

I guess if it makes you feel good having low standards just like your cheating ex bf then ok.

 

I would have just broken up with him and move on. Thing is the cheater must now actually be laughing and not caring about it hurting him. It isn't hurting him at all.

[TylerDurdenn]

Horrible woman.

[Clay]

I can see how you might think this some how works out all in the end but I think later you going to see you just did the same thing he did to you. Doesn't really make you any better than him.

 

Should have just told him to go f*** himself and moved on with your life.

 

Clay

[luvshaq]

Actually he is still in control since you're doing things just to spite him. If you don't move on, he's still in control.

[ascendotum]

I guess if it makes you feel good having low standards just like your cheating ex bf then ok.

 

I would have just broken up with him and move on. Thing is the cheater must now actually be laughing and not caring about it hurting him. It isn't hurting him at all.

 

I personally don't think retaliatory cheating or an affair is going to the same low standards as the original cheater. The motivation is different to begin with. They are not out to stooge their partner. In fact its the opposite, she is being very upfront about it. Also a big part of the motivation is to hurt the other person + get even, both of which are absent in the original cheating incident.

 

Yes, its quite likely now her cheating bf has no remorse or guilt now, but he may not have had that anyway or maybe just for a shot time. Maybe she just doesn't give a shyte what he thinks or feels now, beyond that he suffered some anguish over her sleeping with another guy while they were bf/gf. The OP may not be able to totally leave with the moral high ground, but that may be fine by her. I'm a person who believes in revenge, so that would influence my stance on this.

 

I had a gf who in a past relationship had retaliatory sex with a guy because she 'thought' her bf had cheated. She did not tell him. I thought this was bad, and a bit different from the OP

A. she had no proof her bf cheated, just some suspicious behavior

B. she did not tell him she cheated until she broke up with him (rub salt in wounds).

C. She stayed on in the relationship with him for another year.

 

Personally, if an affair by a gf wounded me that much, I would walk, instead of staying and secretly getting even with a cheat of my own. In a long term marriage where it is not so easy to just walk out, I would seriously consider an affair of my own. Whether I would tell my wife, I couldn't say for sure, but I think I would.

I've no doubt many people here would consider a retaliatory affair as just as bad and judge the person just the same as the original sinner.

Edited May 12, 2014 by ascendotum

[DKT3]

I caught my boyfriend , now ex , the other day cheating on me. It was so devastating to me and I just lost it. I became enraged. The girl was actually mouthing off to me. She was trying to tell me she wasn't to blame. I didn't see it that way. I really wanted to hurt her but she was refusing to step up. I wanted to fight him too and he wouldn't step up. I went in to a verbal tirade. She finally leaves and he starts blaming me for the entire thing. I also got him to confess about someone else. I was beyond livid I don't think I've been thinking clearly since. I told him I was going to go out and do the same. I guess he didn't believe me. I spoke to him the next day and he was crying about what had happened was calling the other girl derogatory names. As if it makes me feel better that he slept with a girl he couldn't give a crap about. I told him after I left his house that night I went to go sleep with a friend of mine I knew who would of been more then happy to cater to the situation. I guess he still was skeptical. Last night I sent him proof of my indiscretion. The ex flipped out. Came to my house this morning cursing and yelling. No I don't feel ashamed or guilty. I don't think I made a poor choice on lowered my standards. I clearly told him what I was going to do and why. I didn't do it behind his back. As far as I'm concerned it was over when I saw the girl in his room. I enjoyed what did and I make no excuses. I will not be a doormat I will not let him feel he got over on me. I will not condone being humiliated. Most of all I did want to hurt him. There I had a revenge affair and I'm glad I did. I do not feel I devalued myself. I am not ashamed. I simply shifted the situation to let him know he was not in control.

 

I thought about doing that, then it dawned on me, there is no way it would cause the pain she caused me. Secondly while it may make you feel better in that moment, its also pulls someone else in to that mess. You went to a guy you knew would sleep with you, question is why? Is it because it was something you wanted to do all along and this was your excuse? Or, does he have feelings for you? In any case you hurt a guy you cared for by using another guy that cares for you. Does that sound right?

 

You could have taken control by ending the relationship and not talking to him again. So young. Regrets are nasty things, sometimes it takes years to hit.

[deelite77]

I do not feel I lowered my standard or sunk to a low. I caught him with a girl in his room. He also admitted to other affairs. I've been cheated on before with past boyfriends and I did nothing spiteful. This time the pain of seeing it sent me to a primitive rage. He was so mean to me when I caught him. He was saying so many hurtful things. I took up my revenge with a friend of mine who I do care about and I know he respects me. I do not feel bad. I think it's helped with the pain of seeing my boyfriend cheating with another girl. At least I can say he did not get the better of me. I know my truth. I know if he was not cheating I wouldn't of done that. I did it for me to help me not have to deal with the pain all alone. I've had guys cheat on me before and felt a lot worse having done nothing immoral. An eye for an eye.

[Zahara]

I do not feel I lowered my standard or sunk to a low. I caught him with a girl in his room. He also admitted to other affairs. I've been cheated on before with past boyfriends and I did nothing spiteful. This time the pain of seeing it sent me to a primitive rage. He was so mean to me when I caught him. He was saying so many hurtful things. I took up my revenge with a friend of mine who I do care about and I know he respects me. I do not feel bad. I think it's helped with the pain of seeing my boyfriend cheating with another girl. At least I can say he did not get the better of me. I know my truth. I know if he was not cheating I wouldn't of done that. I did it for me to help me not have to deal with the pain all alone. I've had guys cheat on me before and felt a lot worse having done nothing immoral. An eye for an eye.

 

I've been with two cheaters in my life. The thing is, you didn't hurt him. You just hurt his ego. Comparing how his actions hurt you versus how your actions "hurt" him is unbalanced. If he has cheated on other women while with you, then it's pretty clear that your feelings were never a priority to him. So you doing what you did probably hurt his ego, mangled his sense of control over you -- but did it break his heart and leave him in pieces, probably not. He's probably wondering who to hit next.

 

There is no eye for an eye with these types. Tomorrow, they will still go on to cheat. The only thing you did is use your friend as an outlet to let of your anger.

 

I'm still not sure what it accomplished, because a few days from now when the dust settles, the fact the he betrayed you remains and the pain of that is something you will still have to go through.

 

The best revenge is living well. All the effort you put into your revenge and dragging your friend into it by using him to have revenge sex (poor guy) all for the sake of a lying, cheating scumbag.

Edited May 12, 2014 by Zahara

[Omei]

You say your friend respects you, but do you respect them? Did they know you were using them for revenge I wonder?

 

You come off childish, besides cheating if someone does something else to you in a relationship do you often try to match that with equal hurt as well?

[Chi townD]

I caught my boyfriend , now ex , the other day cheating on me. It was so devastating to me and I just lost it. I became enraged. The girl was actually mouthing off to me. She was trying to tell me she wasn't to blame. I didn't see it that way. I really wanted to hurt her but she was refusing to step up. I wanted to fight him too and he wouldn't step up. I went in to a verbal tirade. She finally leaves and he starts blaming me for the entire thing. I also got him to confess about someone else. I was beyond livid I don't think I've been thinking clearly since. I told him I was going to go out and do the same. I guess he didn't believe me. I spoke to him the next day and he was crying about what had happened was calling the other girl derogatory names. As if it makes me feel better that he slept with a girl he couldn't give a crap about. I told him after I left his house that night I went to go sleep with a friend of mine I knew who would of been more then happy to cater to the situation. I guess he still was skeptical. Last night I sent him proof of my indiscretion. The ex flipped out. Came to my house this morning cursing and yelling. No I don't feel ashamed or guilty. I don't think I made a poor choice on lowered my standards. I clearly told him what I was going to do and why. I didn't do it behind his back. As far as I'm concerned it was over when I saw the girl in his room. I enjoyed what did and I make no excuses. I will not be a doormat I will not let him feel he got over on me. I will not condone being humiliated. Most of all I did want to hurt him. There I had a revenge affair and I'm glad I did. I do not feel I devalued myself. I am not ashamed. I simply shifted the situation to let him know he was not in control.

 

 

 

Okay....so, if you have no remorse, you're proud of what you've done. You have no guilt and he deserved to have a little pain served his way. Then, what is the point of this thread? All is right in your Universe, right?

[Clay]

Sounds like you have had a horrible record on picking men. I went through that for a while with women. There is no doubt in the end those men are clear looser's. I am sure you feel justified in your actions but I think as time goes on your going to see it really wasn't helping you in any way shape or form.

 

There is something to be said about being decent and staying that way even in the hardest of times. Its clear to me that is when you really test yourself. I was married to my xW for 10 years and she cheated on me over and over. I was dumb enough to believe she would be faithful and our kids would have both parents. In the end It was clear to me she would never change so I threw her out. I never cheated on her. I will always in some way hate her but I personally just dont care enough about her anymore to even give it a second thought. What I can say it my darkest hours I stood by who I am. You are going to have to decide what kind of a person you are and you want to be. I think you did cross the line. Its just my opinion.

 

The best revenge is getting on with life and never giving them a second thought.

 

Clay

[Charlie Harper]

I do not feel I devalued myself. I am not ashamed. I simply shifted the situation to let him know he was not in control.

 

And this goes to prove once again that is a lot easier for women to cheat than men…

 

You should feel devaluated, because you did not teach him anything, you showed yourself how low can you go just to be IN CONTROL.

 

Control is an illusion …your relationship has been destroyed, he torpedoed the ship and you steered it to the rocks…

 

Sorry to be blunt but if he is an idiot, you did not have to be one to prove a point...

[deelite77]

Poor guy? The guy knew all well what was going on. In fact he was someone I confided in about my relationship. He was there for support. He tried to warn me about my ex boyfriend. He's been a friend for a long time. I did not misrepresent the situation. As far as I feel it did help me. I told the poor guy my intentions. Made it clear I had no misconceptions. We have a mutual respect for one another we both know we're good people. Poor guy told me that were friends and that no change in our friendship was possible. We set our terms. We did it with respect and honesty. I can handle that. I appreciate honesty. When you go and cheat and accuse me of being insecure and crazy for suspecting something , that I can't work with. He cheated on me early on in our relationship and was not forthcoming and lied when I confronted him. As far as I'm concerned it was over when I found that girl on his bed. I told him I was going to go do what I did. I told him it was to get even with him. Of course that's not going to change him. Of course he's not going to have an epiphany. Of course now he's not going to care about me. I'm not kidding myself. I did it for me and yes it was for control. He would of carried on with me as usual as if he did nothing. Now because of what I did his ego is bruised and the ball is no longer in his court. He got off on cheating on me. Now he can't do that anymore, yes in my book that is taking control. I slept with another guy he knows it. It's done for the both of us.

[Zahara]

Yes, poor guy. Friends that respect each other don't use one another.

 

And great. You got what you needed. Now you can move on.

[deelite77]

It did work for me. I have no remorse. Sometimes you need to do things for yourself. Even when it doesn't make since to most people. It's about perception. Until you're in someone else's shoes you really don't know. I am moving on. I changed my number blocked him on FB. Have no plans on ever seeing him again. I know he would of tried to get me back. He was trying the next day crying about what he did. I made sure that he would not want me back. He flipped when he realized I really did that. Once someone cheats that's it for me. He did everything wrong when I caught him. If he wouldn't of tried to blame me and insult me in front of her I probably just would of went home and cried. He gave me fuel for the fire.

[deelite77]

He thought I was lying and making up this guy. I showed him the call and text log. What I did with my friend was what it was. As a mentioned we set terms. I don't want a relationship with anyone. Nor does my friend. I can handle honesty. I'm work well with someone who is not misleading. It gives you the ability to make decisions that work for you. My ex didn't give me that option he lied til he was caught. Yes, when I'm eventually ready to move on I will choose a relationship that works for me. I never cheated on my ex even when I was suspicious. So yes, my friend will not be an issue. I don't have any expectations with him. He made it clear were friends. We didn't sleep with each other til after I knew I was done with my ex. Trust me if my friend knows I'm with someone he doesn't want to be in the mix. He knew I was done with my ex that night.

[Chi townD]

It did work for me. I have no remorse. Sometimes you need to do things for yourself. Even when it doesn't make since to most people. It's about perception. Until you're in someone else's shoes you really don't know. I am moving on. I changed my number blocked him on FB. Have no plans on ever seeing him again. I know he would of tried to get me back. He was trying the next day crying about what he did. I made sure that he would not want me back. He flipped when he realized I really did that. Once someone cheats that's it for me. He did everything wrong when I caught him. If he wouldn't of tried to blame me and insult me in front of her I probably just would of went home and cried. He gave me fuel for the fire.

 

 

 

Okay, here's a kick in the head. If you been cheated on by men in the past, then the solution is very simple and please try not to take this the wrong way. But, your choice in men sucks. You are attracted to a certain type of man, and that type is prone to cheat.

 

 

And look what that's doing to you. It turned you into them. You lost your identity with their actions. They have hurt you time and time again, that it turned you into something that; just a few years ago, you would have NEVER considered doing to anyone else EVER.

 

 

And now that you've done it and have absolutely remorse over it...well, that's just sad. They win! Because you allowed them to strip you of your morals, your self worth, your dignity and your pride. I mean, come on! You USED your FRIEND to exact revenge! How was that fair to your friend? You can come back on here and say, "I don't think he gave a sh*t because he got himself a free piece of no strings attached ass." No, you would have been the one that didn't give a sh*t for subjugating your friend to exact revenge.

 

 

So, what happens now? With this attitude, it is going to be extremely difficult for you to form a healthy and loving relationship with a man because you'll always be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop. That if things start getting rough or you hit a rough patch in your relationship (AS THEY ALL DO FROM TIME TO TIME), then I see you cheating again! You do it first before they have a chance to do it to you. And it will be easy for you because you've already have done it without guilt and remorse.

 

 

I strongly recommend that you seek individual counseling and sort your life out. Try to discover why you're attracted to the wrong kind of men, try to find yourself again. The real you, not the one that stripped down to the person that would do something totally out of character for her.

[deelite77]

As I stated, I have no intentions of having a relationship. I am moving closer to my family. That will be in another state. I've lived where I am longer then I've wanted to. I knew I'd leave here if it didn't work out with my ex. No my friend will not be an issue. Over for both of us means my ex. I know there's no hope for us. I have no intentions of trying with him anymore. Can't argue with you about me not being very bright right now. That doesn't bother me. I'm not trying to take an exam. Yeah I was hurt and not thinking normal. Who would when they catch there S/O in bed with someone else. No I didn't send him anything I showed him the logs. So no there's nothing he can forward. I'm not giving out details about what I did in bed with someone.

Edited May 12, 2014 by deelite77
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[deelite77]

As I stated , chi townd I did not cheat while I was with him. It was OVER when I saw that girl. I don't feel like I stripped my self worth. I was being mocked by my ex when I caught him. As I said he did everything wrong. Even when I was suspicious I didn't cheat. I'm not looking for a relationship in the near future. I'm realizing my mistakes in the relationship. I chose to ignore the red flags. I've been in past relationships never once cheated. I always was cheated on. Then was left holding the bag. I chose to do the opposite this time. I have to say it has benefited me. I'm not as angry or as hurt as I have been in the past when this happened before.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so what..you were broken up for what, 12 hours when you did this? And what? You sent him a pic engaging is certain "acts". (and if this is the case, how do you feel with that pic being in his hands now, what do you think he'll do with it?)

 

 

Look, you're going to do what you're going to do. And you're going to feel how you feel about it. I just think it's sad that you feel like you can walk away with your head held high on this. I just feel you lowered your standards and morals and (in my opinion) that's nothing to be proud of.

 

 

So, if you feel that you were in the right and you did a good thing for yourself, then again, I have to ask, what is the purpose of this thread?

[deelite77]

Chi townd, perhaps there is no one purpose. I was hoping that there would be others that came forward who've been in my circumstance. So I could find someone to relate to. Also I didn't give him pics. I already stated I showed him call and text logs in person the day after. As for me doing what I did hours after, he cheated while with me and lied about it. At least I stated it was over for us, and yeah I told him I was going to go sleep with someone else. It just worked out the friend came later that night. In case you also missed that post my friend was in the know.

[Chi townD]

okay... Look, I'm not trying to argue with you. What's done is done. It is what it is. My only concern is what these relationships that you are engaging in is turning you into something you don't want to be. You say that you feel guilt free and vindicated. That you feel good and empowered. But, here's the rub....that's just today.

 

 

Tomorrow or next week or next month. You might feel bitter and angry. And a lot of us have been where you are (myself included). But, a lot of us have not engaged in a revenge affairs. And yes it was an affair because I'm guessing at the time you were still emotionally invested in the guy. In fact, I know you were. Now, I'm not saying what you did was right or wrong (even though I feel that it was wrong, that's just my opinion). How you handled it was not healthy. That's why I strongly recommend that you see a therapist. I think that you've been burned one too many times and it got you to a point where, essentially, you are starting to feel nothing. Like, you're starting to close yourself off and building this protective wall around yourself. And that's not healthy and no way to live your life.

Edited May 12, 2014 by Chi townD