Retaliatory affair

[deelite77]

Chi townd, I'm not trying to argue either. I've been hurt too many times. I was always alone after my past boyfriends cheated on me. Nothing healthy happens after you been cheated on. To do nothing was never consoling. This time my friend came over and I had someone to hold. When he saw me he just hugged me. That was very comforting. I didn't feel alone this time I actually felt I had support. It did help. Not saying it was healthy, at least I didn't have to be alone. Yes my intentions were to sleep with him. As for therapy I was talking about doing that evening. The next day when I spoke with my ex I addressed that with him that what he did is detrimental to possible future relationships. I know I've got issues. Time will just tell.

[deelite77]

Turnpike, who says that friendship is ruined? If I thought there was going to be any negative consequence on that friendship I wouldn't of done it. This friend was interested in me before I met my ex. Because we were coworkers we only remained friends it was always plutonic. When he realized I was seeing someone he was kicking himself for not stepping up. As a friend he was there for me even telling me to get out of that relationship months ago. He warned me that he was cheating. So this friend knows everything. Maybe my friend had his own agenda. He knew mine. It really doesn't matter because I'm moving to be with family next month. My friend already has plans to visit since he has family where I'm moving to.

[Clay]

It honestly sounds like you will need counseling. Your next relationship will suffer greatly if you don't seek it. It is sad that you were cheated on. I feel horrible for that to really happen to anyone. I do thing its time to look some where else for a boyfriend.

 

I would take some serious time out and get to know you again before getting into another relationship.

 

The friendship thing I think you just confused it more but who knows maybe all will be well later.

 

I hope you do better in the future.

 

Clay

[ascendotum]

Her motivation is revenge, and being up front about a crappy deed doesn't make it any less crappy. If I come up to you and kick you in the balls, but I warn you I am going to do so before hand..is what I did better? Or would I just be utterly insane to have that crazy ass logic?

 

Your example leaves out motive. If a bully came up to your kid and kicked him in the balls because he enjoys doing that sort of thing to other kids, and your kid then got up and kicked him in the crotch and then landed a great punch to his face making the kid cry, would you chastise your child for getting even + teaching the bully a lesson. Maybe you preferred him to give a description to police & walk away with his honor that he did not engage in brutish behavior. I'm not going to criticize if you do, but its not others style. Revenge is not always about logic but getting even/teaching the other prick a lesson. If a person rips me off, I want to get even + also teach them a lesson. Cheating on a cheater may hurt a person in the same respect than if it was $, but if it brings satisfaction to the aggrieved party, then for them its justified. As someone else said it would simply hurt his ego and not his feelings (especially since he was a serial cheater), still a hurt ego is going to give some people more satisfaction than letting them see their tears.

 

In a gf/bf relationship I wouldn't bother to do this sort of retaliation personally, but I am not going to look down on a retaliatory cheater in the same way as their cheating partner. As for my ex-gf retaliatory cheating being worse, I agree and it was one of the aspects that made me know the relationship was never going to be a LTR.

 

Fancying someone else while in a relationship or wistfully thinking at various times, "yeah he/shes hot, I could easily have sex with him/her", is definitely not in the same league as actually going out and banging that person behind your partner's back. You know how many guys would be guilty of infidelity if that were the case.

[deelite77]

It's not meant to be with my friend. I'm heart broken right now and I don't want any sort of a relationship. I'm relocating next month. I think it will help clear my head. There wasn't logic in what I did. I acted out in retaliation. Do I feel I got a since of control on the situation? Yes! He was mocking me that night I found them together chastising me and blaming me he said so many hurtful things to me. Afterwords the next day when I showed him the proof that I made good on my word , and did sleep with my friend. That changed the dynamic. I know it was about his insecurities. He did something that made him feel like he had the upper hand. I showed he did not. I took control there in that aspect. He did not get the better of me.

[Chi townD]

It's not meant to be with my friend. I'm heart broken right now and I don't want any sort of a relationship. I'm relocating next month. I think it will help clear my head. There wasn't logic in what I did. I acted out in retaliation. Do I feel I got a since of control on the situation? Yes! He was mocking me that night I found them together chastising me and blaming me he said so many hurtful things to me. Afterwords the next day when I showed him the proof that I made good on my word , and did sleep with my friend. That changed the dynamic. I know it was about his insecurities. He did something that made him feel like he had the upper hand. I showed he did not. I took control there in that aspect. He did not get the better of me.

 

 

 

 

 

So, how did it change the dynamic? You took pleasure in seeing him hurt? Is that what you're saying? You liked seeing him squirm?

 

 

You keep telling me that you ended it with him THEN hooked up with your friend. So, what was the motivation to go back and rub it in his face. I mean, you ended it with him. It was over. He was now a non-issue. No reason to go back, right? So, I just don't see the reason behind it. Look, it would be one thing to look toward your friend for solace after something like this. And, I'm not trying to take away from the devastation and the hurt he inflicted on you. But, what you did in response to his indiscretion. Well, I would like to think you're better than that.

[Natsume21]

I am late to this thread, and I read it over, and over, and over again.

 

It was still somewhat confusing but I'll break it down the best I can.

 

I don't know who I feel sorry for: the scorned woman, or the friend that may or may not be in love with her that just got used.

 

Revenge is never the answer. You think this ex cares about you? No, you're just a loyal notch in his belt. You just pricked his ego, which is still not a win for you. Basically, all this has turned into is some one-up competition where no matter how hard you try, he wins and you lose as long as you're doing things to get his attention.

 

He sees you as some crazy obsessed chick even if he did do you wrong.

 

But here's a bigger question....

 

You said that this has happened to you before. Maybe it's because you are attracted to scumbag men?

 

I know a woman who is like that. Only dates tattoo'd muscled men. Dated 5 of them and they were all lying cheaters. For some reason she expected them to be loyal to her. Hmph.

 

You, my friend, got issues. You need to get some therapy to try to figure out why you're clearly attracted to men like this.

 

Cause now you're starting to turn into these men, and at this rate, you'll NEVER find a healthy relationship you seem to crave.

 

But WAIT!

 

What if the truth is, healthy relationships bore you, what if THAT'S your problem? You secretly love drama so you can have constant validation from someone who is seen as worthy of giving said validation.

 

The truth is, real relationships aren't full of exciting and a chance to win each other back. That's just the stuff of movies.

 

Relationships are essentially romantic partnerships that require effort, communication, and patience. If you want a whirlwind romance go to the movies.

 

My point is, the one thing you can control in this situation is how you handle your choice in men, before you turn into a jaded person.

 

Cheating on others so you won't be cheated on is not fair to the person you date that might actually be a decent guy.

 

We aren't your ex. So don't treat other men like him.--Natsume21.

[deelite77]

Turnpike, do you think I even care right now? What exactly is the point you're trying to make? Perhaps you just don't get it? Forgive me but you just come off like you have your own issues? Who wronged you? You're insisting that I should be made to feel a certain way that I don't. Or think in a certain way, but I don't. You handle things differently. You are passionately trying to prove and provoke me into making me feel as though my situation should be looked through your eyes. It's not. I'm looking at it through mine. And there's a lot of damage there right now. I'm hurt inconsolably. Do I think what I did helped or hurt? No. I'd still be feeling this way right now regardless. I did it with malice. As far as this friend right now , it's the least of my concerns. Who says he's even gonna be any issue in the future? I'm sure he's gonna eventually find someone. That's ok with me. I respect but I don't love him. He feels the same for me. He's not going to be an issue in the future. Why can't you see that? It's pretty obvious and I think I already stated that.

[Chi townD]

You hurt your friend on a few levels. One, you knew that he had a thing for you and you exploited that fact. Thus, that can be viewed as toying with his emotions.

 

 

Number two, your Ex knows who he is, what's stopping him from tracking him down and beating the sh*t out of him? News flash, guys are known for doing stupid stuff. It wouldn't surprise me if this happens.

[Zahara]

I'm following this and I'm not sure why -- Chi and Turn, why do you both keep trying to beat what you believe to be true into Dee's head? Flogging a dead horse. She is content and in belief of her own actions. There's no right or wrong anymore. Best for OP to just move on from this and start healing from her wounds.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Zahara

[Chi townD]

I'm following this and I'm not sure why -- Chi and Turn, why do you both keep trying to beat what you believe to be true into Dee's head? Flogging a dead horse. She is content and in belief of her own actions. There's no right or wrong anymore. Best for OP to just move on from this and start healing from her wounds.

 

 

You're right. I'm not going to lie. I could care less on how she got her revenge. What I was more concerned is what it was turning her into. I was hoping to open her eyes to this possibility. But, I'm starting to see your point. You can't help someone that doesn't want help.

[Zahara]

You're right. I'm not going to lie. I could care less on how she got her revenge. What I was more concerned is what it was turning her into. I was hoping to open her eyes to this possibility. But, I'm starting to see your point. You can't help someone that doesn't want help.

 

I know what it's like to be cheated on, and twice -- and I would never then or ever in the future retaliate that way. I think it is an unhealthy reflection of who I am if I need to go out and have revenge sex to cope with my emotions. Maybe reactionary on Dee's part and just a one time thing stemming from rage or maybe she has an inherent issue with coping skills. I'm in line with what you and Turn are saying but I don't think she can grasp it when she's resistent. It's just page after page of you say I say.

[deelite77]

Chi, how are you trying to help? I acted out in a way that was uncaracterisitic of me I'll be the first to admit that. I was hurt beyond belief. I feel such pain right now. That I would of felt regardless of what I did. I brought that whole night on myself. I suspected something the whole time. Every time I confronted him I was just an insecure neurotic crazy girl. He was lying. I feel so many emotions right now. I am devastated. Would I do that again? No. Next time I suspect this sort of thing I'll trust my instincts. Then run for the hills. Do you think I could rationalize the situation that night? No!! I just had seen my boyfriend with a girl in his bed. Do you really think I was concerned about morals? It was over with him is how I saw it. Did I want him to feel my pain? Yes! Did he? From his reaction, I think so. All of this could of been avoided if he could of just let me go months ago, when I first started to get suspicious. Ok so maybe this sort of thing happened to you? I don't know. Have you walked in on someone you love and seen them in bed with another person? Then to be provoked with insults, was like throwing kerosene on a house fire. You have your stance on this I have mine. Bottom line is there's no cookie cutter way any one person handles this sort of situation. Every one differs. It depends on the circumstances. I regret all of it I wish none of it happened. You have no idea what I'm going through.

[Zahara]

Chi, how are you trying to help? I acted out in a way that was uncaracterisitic of me I'll be the first to admit that. I was hurt beyond belief. I feel such pain right now. That I would of felt regardless of what I did. I brought that whole night on myself. I suspected something the whole time. Every time I confronted him I was just an insecure neurotic crazy girl. He was lying. I feel so many emotions right now. I am devastated. Would I do that again? No. Next time I suspect this sort of thing I'll trust my instincts. Then run for the hills. Do you think I could rationalize the situation that night? No!! I just had seen my boyfriend with a girl in his bed. Do you really think I was concerned about morals? It was over with him is how I saw it. Did I want him to feel my pain? Yes! Did he? From his reaction, I think so. All of this could of been avoided if he could of just let me go months ago, when I first started to get suspicious. Ok so maybe this sort of thing happened to you? I don't know. Have you walked in on someone you love and seen them in bed with another person? Then to be provoked with insults, was like throwing kerosene on a house fire. You have your stance on this I have mine. Bottom line is there's no cookie cutter way any one person handles this sort of situation. Every one differs. It depends on the circumstances. I regret all of it I wish none of it happened. You have no idea what I'm going through.

 

Dee, maybe it's time to get off the focus of what happened and start processing your feelings of pain and betrayal. Revenge sex, whatever, it happened. Put that in the past and grieve for what you feel now. Maybe when you are in a better place, you will reflect and have a better perspective on the how, when, why and learn from that.

 

I'm sorry for how you feel. I have witnessed the cheating infront of my eyes so I know that mental picture is something you're going to have a difficult time battling. Apart from ending you have to deal with betrayal and also with that image burned in your soul. Triple whammy. This thread has lost it's purpose because what he did, what you did all doesn't matter at this moment -- the bigger picture -- you have intense pain to deal with.

 

Grieve, cry and be gentle to yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. Try not to stay home alone. Eat well and keep yourself hydrated. Try to sleep. Keep your closest friends close for support when you feel it all crashing around you. It's going to be a difficult journey but you'll get there.

[deelite77]

Thank you, Zahara. I'm not looking for sympathy. I wish this wasn't happening. I am going through so many different emotions right now. I didn't act rationally. I just didn't want to be alone after what I saw. It was beyond anything negative I've ever felt in my life. As for what I did that is something I'll have to process. Right now I really don't feel like I hurt myself more then I was already hurt. I felt I had lost everything and I had nothing else to lose. I can't eat or sleep and I've lost weight. I know I'm not ok. It makes it worse that the ex is still trying to contact me daily. Right now I think I made it so that he can't contact me in any way. It makes it worse because every time he does it takes me back to that night. It seems you're the only one who can empathize with how I feel. I'm not looking to win a congeniality contest here. I was just looking for someone to relate to who has done what I did, so I can start processing this situation. I really do want to start healing. I just feel stuck.

[Chi townD]

Chi, how are you trying to help? I acted out in a way that was uncaracterisitic of me I'll be the first to admit that. I was hurt beyond belief. I feel such pain right now. That I would of felt regardless of what I did. I brought that whole night on myself. I suspected something the whole time. Every time I confronted him I was just an insecure neurotic crazy girl. He was lying. I feel so many emotions right now. I am devastated. Would I do that again? No. Next time I suspect this sort of thing I'll trust my instincts. Then run for the hills. Do you think I could rationalize the situation that night? No!! I just had seen my boyfriend with a girl in his bed. Do you really think I was concerned about morals? It was over with him is how I saw it. Did I want him to feel my pain? Yes! Did he? From his reaction, I think so. All of this could of been avoided if he could of just let me go months ago, when I first started to get suspicious. Ok so maybe this sort of thing happened to you? I don't know. Have you walked in on someone you love and seen them in bed with another person? Then to be provoked with insults, was like throwing kerosene on a house fire. You have your stance on this I have mine. Bottom line is there's no cookie cutter way any one person handles this sort of situation. Every one differs. It depends on the circumstances. I regret all of it I wish none of it happened. You have no idea what I'm going through.

 

 

 

Good question. Because I'm not really entirely sure what you're looking for. You were hurt and devastated, I get that! I've been there. You got your revenge. You got your pound of flesh. I get that too! (although I don't agree with it) You stated that you came here looking for someone that had similar experiences. Hell, more than half the people here have! So, How am I trying to help? I've already told you that you should seek individual counseling.

 

 

Have I been cheated on? Yep! Was I berated and belittled, YEP! Hardcore! Did I get my revenge! HELL YES! Just not the way you did. So, I DO know what you are going through. You don't have the market cornered on betrayal. Look, I'm pretty sure you won't do this, but if your interested in my story, go to the search button on the toolbar and search for Michael93's thread. My story is on page 6 (I believe) on his thread. You'll see how our stories to have some similarities to them.

[Zahara]

I know, when I was witness to my ex with another woman, till this day I don't know how I made it home. My gf who was with me at the time was going nuts on him and I had to hold her back. She doesn't know how I remained calm but inside I wanted to die. Then days on end I would imagine all sorts of horrible things I wanted to do to him. I didn't do anything. I just grieved. I understand you reacted and maybe when you are healed you can look back on this and find perspective.

 

It's good that you can't receive contact from him. He is not good for you. And guys like this react this way only because they want to be in control of you again. So, whatever you do, stay away from him.

 

Can you block him? I know it's hard when you love someone and this is all raw and fresh for you but if contact is taking you back to that night, maybe you can start by blocking for a week. Then go from there. If you don't you will stay stuck.

 

You will feel like you're drowning for now because you are in deep pain. It feels like you're not moving but as the days go by, you will slowly come out of this. It's going to take a lot of time and what you do with that time is important, but know that it will pass.

 

First thing about healing is getting rid of reminders and triggers. Him contacting you has to stop.

[deelite77]

I hope it stops. I changed my phone number. Blocked F/B and email. He contacted me last night and spoke for a bit. Afterwards the floodgates opened and called him back and I just flipped out on him. I know I can't do that as well. I've begged him several times in the past to just leave me alone after we would break up. He always made sure that didn't happen. I'm nervous he won't stop now. He says that he has an obsession with me. I was hoping since I slept with someone else he would leave me alone, but that was not to be. He flipped out and still tries to make contact. I thought that he'd finally leave me alone since I did sleep with someone else. I'm hoping the last call I made scared him away. I let all that rage come out towards him. I guess what I'm feeling then is normal? I'm not putting pressure on myself to get out of the house or be around anyone. Right now I can't. I'm not ready. I'm moving to go be with my mom at the end of the month. I think getting away will do me some good. I don't really like where I'm living and I've been wanting to move outta here since before I met that pig. I just pray I find that silver lining before I get there.

[Zahara]

The best thing to do moving forward now is to ignore all communication from him. If you have changed your number and blocked him then he will get the hint. This isn't obsession for him. This is about control. And pricks like this delight in having women at their feet giving them attention. There is no love. Just manipulation and control.

 

I think moving to your mom will symbolize a new beginning for you. New environment, new surroundings, new people -- and having your mom's support will help you tremendously as you heal from this. It's fine that you don't want to go out or be around people but don't stay there too long. If you feel that aloneness is making you feel bad or making you dwell, try and be around a friend/people that can distract you.

[deelite77]

Chi, that's great for you. I'm glad you found closure and moved on so well in your life. What I meant by finding someone who I could relate to, was someone else who has had a retaliatory affair. I do appreciate most of your feedback, don't get me wrong. I just feel though u are making a lot of assumptions. Your circumstances are similar, but differ as well. You can't presume every one is going to act how you did. I feel as though because you acted differently, that everyone should be expected to have reacted to your standards. At least that's the impression I'm getting. All this happened a few days ago. You fail to mention how long you were upset before your friend took you on that trip. Also what she did was indeed cruel. You didn't see her in bed with the other guy. You stated that I was a cheater because I was still " emotionally invested ". It begs the question, are you projecting your experience on to my thread? Perhaps because after all this time you're still not completely over it? I understand what you were trying to get at with me. However though you really cannot entirely relate to my experience, thus making your arguments counter productive. I have been in therapy since late last year. Its really not benefiting me. I'm going to be getting a new therapist when I move, and hopefully this one will help this time.

[Chi townD]

Chi, that's great for you. I'm glad you found closure and moved on so well in your life. What I meant by finding someone who I could relate to, was someone else who has had a retaliatory affair. I do appreciate most of your feedback, don't get me wrong. I just feel though u are making a lot of assumptions. Your circumstances are similar, but differ as well. You can't presume every one is going to act how you did. I feel as though because you acted differently, that everyone should be expected to have reacted to your standards. At least that's the impression I'm getting. All this happened a few days ago. You fail to mention how long you were upset before your friend took you on that trip. Also what she did was indeed cruel. You didn't see her in bed with the other guy. You stated that I was a cheater because I was still " emotionally invested ". It begs the question, are you projecting your experience on to my thread? Perhaps because after all this time you're still not completely over it? I understand what you were trying to get at with me. However though you really cannot entirely relate to my experience, thus making your arguments counter productive. I have been in therapy since late last year. Its really not benefiting me. I'm going to be getting a new therapist when I move, and hopefully this one will help this time.

 

 

 

Girl, what happened to me happened years and years ago and if you did read my story, you'll know I absolutely love my life and I make sure to have plenty of adventures. But, pain is pain no matter how you look at it. But, how we handled our pain is were we differ.

 

 

I am really glad that you're going to see a new therapist. I do agree with you. Some therapists are really good and some really suck. Sounds like you have the later. Look, I feel for you. I really do. But, it's done and over with right? No going back. Time to move on with your life.

 

 

I would suggest not dating anyone for a while. You have a lot of healing to do. And I strongly suggest that you look into why you're attracted to the wrong kind of guy. And I wouldn't be saying this if this was an isolated incident; but this has happen a few times already. So, I don't know any of your Ex's but I speculate that they have an edge to them or a bad boy image to them. Here the deal...if they come across as a "bad boy" and have a "bad boy" reputation, then logic would dictate sooner or later they will start to treat you badly!

 

 

Just a suggestion, when you finally get to the point where you think you're ready to date. I would suggest that you try to go on a date with someone you normally wouldn't be attracted to. You never know. He could have a boring job as an accountant and may not be the most fashionably dressed guy (but you could fix that easily) and you never know, there could be chemistry there. A diamond in the ruff.

[deelite77]

My last experience with a guy that cheated on me was over 10 years ago. I went through some really bad experiences in my early and mid 20s. I had a 4 year hiatus. Got involved in a LTR at the age of 30 that lasted 6 years. That relationship was with a nice guy, but he had serious walls and he never could bond with me. It was not bad just not great. This last guy at first did come off as a well rounded person. Business owner has his own home and a devoted father. As time went on it was clear though he had issues regarding his ex wife. It made me incredibly insecure. He'd been divorced for 3 years, but still seemed stuck. No things have not been great for us for months now. We still did have an emotional and physical investment. I heard him cry about his ex through pretty much our entire relationship. Leaving me incredibly hurt through our relationship. No my affair was not spontaneous. I had urges to do that long before that night I found him with that girl. That was just the last straw. For most of that relationship I was provoked and was subject to a lot of situations that made me jealous. I think I did relatively well not indulging earlier on. So no I did not make a snap decision. Albeit it doesn't make it any better. I just felt it was what I needed to do to turn the table because I felt he had gotten the better of me in that regard for so long. Did it work? No, not the way I wanted it to. The end result is still the same. I saw what I needed to finally move on. After months of this emotional abuse and always feeling like I was being compared to another woman I guess I felt like I needed to do something. I took a lot of blows to my ego before I did that.

[ThatMan]

You've experienced a lot of painful losses.

 

Please understand that abuse is about control. Your recent ex clearly knows how to press your buttons the right way. I think that he wanted you to be in pain and react in a certain manner. Maybe you've had similar thoughts because it seems like a reasonable inference.

 

The best thing anyone in your position can do is learn how to empower themselves by reacting to poor situations in a way that's right for them. There are better ways to take control of your life and I sincerely hope you explore all venues of achieving exactly that. I have the impression that you seem outright resistant to looking at all the ways to take charge besides 'turning the tables' so to speak.

[deelite77]

Turn, I already stated in a previous reply that I had regrets about all of it. My actions included. I really did want some sort of support that night. I didn't want to be alone. We both had grudges against my ex. Did I do the same thing my ex did? Yes. I slept with another person. Regardless it was over when I saw her. I already stated I flipped and I've been alone since that night. I'm not going out now and hooking up with guys. It was a one time thing. Sorry, but I really don't understand exactly what you're trying to convey to me. I've read your replies and I feel like you've given me a lot if assumptions. That night I did that, sorry but I wasn't thinking about a future boyfriend. I didn't have the mind set to rationalize. I mean it was just ugly. It got physical between my ex and I. Did I regret it the next day ? No. I was still too angry. Yes, I feel like I took some control. It's not supposed to be "right". He thought he was going to bang that girl and then have me in bed within the next few days. I did turn the tables. Not only did he get caught, but he also got a taste of his own medicine. It's not supposed to be "right". I was just fed up and I wanted to sabotage and just finally end this miserable relationship. What's done is done. Why do you already assume that my next relationship I'm gonna have my friend there. I know that's just a bad idea. I know you don't bring your past partners to a current relationship. That was the issue I had with my ex. He was always talking about his ex wife. That drove me crazy. What do you think I'm in denial about? I did do something crude. I meant to do it. I had my reasons. Ii felt justified.

[deelite77]

Turn, Did you cheat because you were paranoid and insecure? Did you do what was done to me? Or did you retaliate?