Retaliatory affair

[deelite77]

Turn, I understand what you mean by what I've done to my character. I've not been myself since I started seeing this guy. I've not liked who I've been for a few months now. So yes I do have regrets. I'm regretting everything about that relationship. I just flipped when I saw that girl. I couldn't care less about character when that happened. I was in a primitive rage. I want you to know I do appreciate your posts. Just because I may sound upset right now, that doesn't mean I don't want the advice. I guess it's taking time for me to process info right now. I'm glad I'm getting the feedback, all feedback. I may not agree but it's helping me to process this.

[ThatMan]

I get that assumptions have been made. It doesn't change the fact that you've vividly described an unhealthy relationship. There are more constructive ways to regain control and move on once the dust has finally settled. When you begin behaving certain ways for another person and not yourself, especially when that person is abusive, personal considerations are thrown right out the window. Do not permit that jerk to hold any control of you or your actions.

 

Normally when people aren't betrayed and seething with anger, they do nice things for themselves after a relationship has ended. Some people might put themselves out and into the world, meet new people, and enjoy flings if they're interested. You never had the luxury of being in a good place to make those sort of decisions. That's why I would like to urge you to take a breather.

 

You committed acts for him and not yourself. That's what control is all about in emotionally abusive relationships and you deserve to break free of that. Getting even with someone, turning around the tables, and wasting any shred of energy on a person who doesn't even care about you won't help. It sucks you have regrets but that's understandable. True testament to incredible character is learning from the experience and pursuing whatever is best for you.

[deelite77]

That man, that's what my mom was just saying to me. These last few days I have been reflecting on what an incredibly toxic relationship it was. It did change me and I have to take ownership. I didn't like who I was becoming. I knew it wasn't me. I feel better knowing it's finally really over. I guess me sleeping with that friend was significant to me. It didn't help the overall situation. I felt though I was shifting the situation. It did help in the since that now my ex is finally leaving me alone. It did make me feel empowered. I know no one can understand that. I understand why people think I took the low moral ground. I can live with that.

[campfire]

I had a revenge affair, or rather an intended and planned ONS, after finding out my GF had cheated on me. I told her a week prior to my ONS that I needed space and told my GF about it two days after the ONS had happened. All of a sudden she could now realize the pain she had put me through, because she was experiencing it herself.

 

I also felt a sense or regaining control, but maybe I'm confusing it with regaining some ego. Anyway, it worked out well for me because I feel good.

 

I'm sure people like Chi TownD and Turnpike99 will think I did the wrong thing, but that doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to me what they think.

 

Honestly I think you did what was right for you in this situation, deelite77.

[Chi townD]

I had a revenge affair, or rather an intended and planned ONS, after finding out my GF had cheated on me. I told her a week prior to my ONS that I needed space and told my GF about it two days after the ONS had happened. All of a sudden she could now realize the pain she had put me through, because she was experiencing it herself.

 

I also felt a sense or regaining control, but maybe I'm confusing it with regaining some ego. Anyway, it worked out well for me because I feel good.

 

I'm sure people like Chi TownD and Turnpike99 will think I did the wrong thing, but that doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to me what they think.

 

Honestly I think you did what was right for you in this situation, deelite77.

 

 

 

Hey, don't make me out to be the bad guy because I don't believe in revenge affairs. That's just my opinion.

[FernyUPile]

OP, you inspired me to write down my own story about my RA with my cheating gf's supervisor. I think there comes a point where you feel at your lowest after getting hurt by the same who claimed to loved you but really can't love you.

 

Just like you, I want my gf to feel the pain when she cheated on me with one of my friends.

[deelite77]

Ferny. I understand your pain. I know what you're going through. I chose to end it at the moment I saw that girl. I know I still love him, but how could it work after seeing him with that girl. You've been stewing for months now. I understand that the pain for you is not subsiding. You've done what you've done. I urge you so stop. You're not thinking in a clear way. You're still angry. Ok, you had your RA. You do have a person now who you like. Ask yourself, would I like this person if my GF didn't cheat on me? You felt feelings that you weren't good enough, your ego was bruised and your hurt. I think what you're doing is taking these feelings you had and are now projecting them on your GF. Comparing her to another because you felt that's what she did. Honestly the relationship you're flirting with right now has little chance of working out. Also look ahead. If you can right now? Think to yourself what is the end result you want for yourself. Do you really want this new girl because you "really" like her? Or is she serving a purpose. I see that you may set yourself up for self defeat. I urge you not to tell your GF. Stop with this supervisor. Especially since she probably knows the situation. I don't think this is a person you'll ever be able to trust. Also she may be associated with a bad time of your life and you could grow to have resentments. I think you do need to break up. You're not moving on. That's ok, too. You need a break to clear your head. You're too hurt and angry still. You need time.

[deelite77]

Camp, I can relate. I wanted him to feel my pain. More then anything I wanted him to be left knowing that what he did caused him to feel that sting. I wanted him burdened with knowing that. What we have done having these RA is very common. In fact I have read most people have done it in our situation. I regret everything from that night. I wish none of it ever happened. How can I be with him now? I knew it was over when I saw her. Sadly there is a part of me that is ok with what I did. I've been cheated on in the past I never had a RA before. This time I do not feel as vulnerable or betrayed. I think why I did it was so I didn't have to deal with the pain of having to feel like I am a doormat. That is where I feel the control. It's not really about him. Although, I think I did pull the rug out from underneath him. It was about empowering myself. I didn't want to be burdened with all that pain, alone. I do find solace in what I did. I know that is really sad.

Edited May 14, 2014 by deelite77

[campfire]

Hey, don't make me out to be the bad guy because I don't believe in revenge affairs. That's just my opinion.

I didn't make you to be good nor bad. My point was that I don't put much emphasis on random people's opinion on what I did. In this particular context they only matter for discussion and learning purposes.

 

Well I don't believe in RA's either on a general basis and when discussing the morals around it. Yet I did it and I feel ok about it. Actually I choose not to feel too much about it and instead just move on with life. One thing I have learned from all this is that some people are too much stuck in their past and it creates a downward depression spiral.