Daughter's bf is a punk

[pteromom]

She said he comes off rough but I made him really nervous ( I reminded her that was my job to make sure they knew she has a father who loves her) and she said he didn't act like that when they were alone

G

 

This is almost exactly what I was going to post - that I bet he plays this "bad boy surfer dude" around other people to stave off social anxiety, but that he is gentle and kind to her when they are alone.

 

You say your daughter is like you. If that is the case, you have nothing to worry about. She's bright and rational and she knows what she's doing - well, as much as a 23 year old can know what they are doing.

 

Give him a chance and try to see him through HER eyes instead of your suspicious Poppy Eyes.

[Mondmellonw]

I was once in your daughter's shoes (or kind of).

I was on a relationship with this "oh-so-interesting-musician".

Oh, his views on everything, philosophy of life.

His so called "intelligence".

Yeah, he has an enormous talent. Everyone on here loves how he plays.

But at the same time, he is very immature and has many issues.

He talks way too much... And does nothing good.

 

My mom NEVER liked him. Period.

NEVER.

When I broke up with him she told me many things she saw on him that I never did. She made me aware of how poor my choice was at the time (my choice to say "yes" when he asked me to became a couple).

She explained to me all the red flags she saw.

Yep... The voice of experience.

 

She did gave me some of her views when I asked her for opinions during times when he will treat me on weird/bad ways. She would help me as much as she could: but she would let me chose.

 

She was there all the time for me. Be there for your daughter, be supportive. But, like they already told you, don't try to stop her.

 

 

 

When I asked my mom why she wouldn't let me know how much (and why) she disliked him, she only replied: "I wanted you to learn".

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Mondmellonw

[bubbaganoosh]

My little girl called me today and first thing she said was, you didn't like him at all, did you? I told her with a chuckle that I couldn't find anything overt that left me feeling like he was a serial killer. She said he comes off rough but I made him really nervous ( I reminded her that was my job to make sure they knew she has a father who loves her) and she said he didn't act like that when they were alone anymore as he has a bit of an anxiety around people. I told her I raised her to know her own worth and to make responsible choices as an adult so I don't have to like him if she does, but yes, he came off as a bit of a punk. She knew I would think that apparently, but she really feels for him, he is very complex, makes her laugh, treats her really well and is so talented and smart. I admit I didn't see any of that...she said she hasn't felt like that around anyone ever before and he has only been great to her, been very attentive and caring and fun. She told me she loves him...and I just about fell out of my chair as she has never said that before. He is nice is her stock answer for every guy she has ever dated.

I told her it is my job as her Poppy to make sure she gets the best in life, and she said she knows that and she wishes I would give this guy a chance because when she first met him she hated him and it grew into something really intense and emotional for them. They fought like cats and dogs because she thought he was a punk, but now he is so important to her. She said those fateful, terrible words...he loves me.

Preraph, He works for the Design Team who works with them on city projects up north. He is the lead Designer so preraph, what you wrote makes sense. I told her we could give it another go so my wife and I are going to meet them in New York City on Friday.

She gave me the whole, Poppy, I really need you to like him speech, which as I recall netted her three hamsters, four puppies, two kittens, a turtle and a rat. I used to tease her and say, Hey Noah called and he wants his animals back.

I will try to be less protective grumps, but I told her I can't promise her anything, this is my natural state for my kids, but she was thrilled with our next meetup.

Any thoughts?

G

 

Grumps. The best thing to do is observe and wait because it will never get that far and if it does it will be a miracle.

 

She seems to have a good head on her shoulder and in due time when she finally gets tired of paying his way because his artistic ass is too lazy to go get a real job then she'll know that all his charm, wit and talent will have about as much value as a bucket of warm spit.

 

Then she'll look at you and say, your were right Grumps, shouldn't have doubted you.

[ja123]

Any updates, Grumps?

 

 

How did things go the second time meeting him?

[Haydn]

I hope the boy is alright and Grumps didn`t uppercut him on the way.

[Grumpybutfun]

We had a pretty good weekend in NYC. He was much better, pretty smart actually and seemed more subdued. He apologized to me personally, said he knew he came off as a bit of a flake, said he didn't expect me to approve since he just jabbered on and on. I told him it isn't important for me to like him, or him to like me, but as long as he remembers that my little girl is my top priority and anything he does to her to remember that she has a father who loves her. He said he expected nothing less for such a special young woman. He talked like a normal person, the surfer speak was gone.

Also, he has a great job in the firm he works so he isn't some jobless dude. He actually is the Creative Design consultant for my daughters firm. However, they do not work together so no fraternization is going on.

I think I can breathe a bit easier. I don't ever let my guard down of course. She is my baby. My expectations for anyone in her life is going to be high.

Looking forward to some fishing, all citied out,

Grumps

[anne1707]

Is it just me or does anybody else find this thread so cute?

 

Grumps - you are such a good Dad

[ja123]

Is it just me or does anybody else find this thread so cute?

 

Grumps - you are such a good Dad

 

 

 

I find it cute, too!!!

 

 

And, I second you that Grumps is a good Poppy!!!

[ja123]

Hey Grumps,

 

 

I was just thinking ...

 

 

If your daughter takes after you, and you were attracted to your wife for her artistic nature, then perhaps your daughter, too, is attracted to someone with an artistic nature.

 

 

What do you think? Maybe it's because she's like you ...

 

 

Also, one has to give the guy credit for manning up like that and apologizing.

 

 

Maybe things aren't so bad...

[Anela]

I'm glad the last meeting was better.

 

Is it just me or does anybody else find this thread so cute?

 

Grumps - you are such a good Dad

 

I think so, too.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hey Grumps,

 

 

I was just thinking ...

 

 

If your daughter takes after you, and you were attracted to your wife for her artistic nature, then perhaps your daughter, too, is attracted to someone with an artistic nature.

 

 

What do you think? Maybe it's because she's like you ...

 

 

Also, one has to give the guy credit for manning up like that and apologizing.

 

 

Maybe things aren't so bad...

 

Really ja, this is LS, no room here for common sense and logic...

G

[bubbaganoosh]

Glad to here that you got to know the guy a little better and now I feel bad for posting what I said. My bad.

 

I was like that with my daughter too Grumps. I was concerned when she introduced me to her boyfriend. That was when she was in 9th grade. She continued with this guy and he was two years older and he went to college and the were still together. Then she went to the same college and after college they stayed together. Two years ago I gave my daughter away to her husband (same guy) and they own a home, are happy but right now the only thing that bothers me is I have no grand kids to spoil, so lately I've been dropping hints and if they don't hurry up it will turn to threats.

[ja123]

Really ja, this is LS, no room here for common sense and logic...

G

 

 

 

hahaha Loooove it!!!

[littleplanet]

We had a pretty good weekend in NYC. He was much better, pretty smart actually and seemed more subdued. He apologized to me personally, said he knew he came off as a bit of a flake, said he didn't expect me to approve since he just jabbered on and on. I told him it isn't important for me to like him, or him to like me, but as long as he remembers that my little girl is my top priority and anything he does to her to remember that she has a father who loves her. He said he expected nothing less for such a special young woman. He talked like a normal person, the surfer speak was gone.

Also, he has a great job in the firm he works so he isn't some jobless dude. He actually is the Creative Design consultant for my daughters firm. However, they do not work together so no fraternization is going on.

I think I can breathe a bit easier. I don't ever let my guard down of course. She is my baby. My expectations for anyone in her life is going to be high.

Looking forward to some fishing, all citied out,

Grumps

 

 

Well Grumps,

 

(You know, your online persona reminds me of one of my best buds)

 

I read through the entire thread, starting from the beginning, and my spidey sense told me the story was going to have a happier ending than what first appeared.

Some great observations have already been made.

It's obvious that you're a great dad. You have a lucky daughter. I'm sure she knows it!

 

Every once in awhile in life, we come up against our own judgements, moral persuasions, gut feelings - vulnerabilities and pre-concieved notions - and discover maybe we still have one or two little things to learn.

Perhaps this was one of them.

 

We love our kids to bits. We'd think nothing of jumping in front of a bus to protect them. No big deal. That's just how it is.

But sometimes...........................we have to trust ourselves that we raised them right, after all. That somehow.....they have reached that point in their young life where they are indeed, capable of knowing what they are doing. We may not completely understand, or agree - but can accept the fact that they are acting in an independent way, with their own best judgement.

 

Perhaps this was one of those times.

 

You can dig around inside the psychology of it, and sort it out in endless ways to lay out the logic of it....and it still might end up resembling that big fish you thought you hooked and played right - and it still got away on ya.

(But you know it's still out there...........waiting.)

 

Far as I can see - you've laid all the right groundwork.

You know you can trust yourself. That's a no-brainer.

Trusting your daughter to know her own mind completes the picture.

As long as she knows you'll always be there should she need (what only you can provide)......she'll have one of the greatest things she can ever have to move forward in her life, and make the right decisions that fit.

 

That's a wonderful thing.

 

That's my two cents' worth.

I feel proud as a peach to offer it.

- have enjoyed your posts, since I've arrived in these parts.

 

cheers,

LP

[ja123]

I'm not a fan of this song, but it's so à propos to this thread:

 

 

 

 

[Grumpybutfun]

Well Grumps,

 

(You know, your online persona reminds me of one of my best buds)

 

I read through the entire thread, starting from the beginning, and my spidey sense told me the story was going to have a happier ending than what first appeared.

Some great observations have already been made.

It's obvious that you're a great dad. You have a lucky daughter. I'm sure she knows it!

 

Every once in awhile in life, we come up against our own judgements, moral persuasions, gut feelings - vulnerabilities and pre-concieved notions - and discover maybe we still have one or two little things to learn.

Perhaps this was one of them.

 

We love our kids to bits. We'd think nothing of jumping in front of a bus to protect them. No big deal. That's just how it is.

But sometimes...........................we have to trust ourselves that we raised them right, after all. That somehow.....they have reached that point in their young life where they are indeed, capable of knowing what they are doing. We may not completely understand, or agree - but can accept the fact that they are acting in an independent way, with their own best judgement.

 

Perhaps this was one of those times.

 

You can dig around inside the psychology of it, and sort it out in endless ways to lay out the logic of it....and it still might end up resembling that big fish you thought you hooked and played right - and it still got away on ya.

(But you know it's still out there...........waiting.)

 

Far as I can see - you've laid all the right groundwork.

You know you can trust yourself. That's a no-brainer.

Trusting your daughter to know her own mind completes the picture.

As long as she knows you'll always be there should she need (what only you can provide)......she'll have one of the greatest things she can ever have to move forward in her life, and make the right decisions that fit.

 

That's a wonderful thing.

 

That's my two cents' worth.

I feel proud as a peach to offer it.

- have enjoyed your posts, since I've arrived in these parts.

 

cheers,

LP

 

Very well articulated and I thank you for your words. Being a father isn't easy for me sometimes because I can be exact about what I want for them, and have to reel it in like a fishing pole with no bait on my hook, wondering where all that great crud went. I'm not naturally good at letting them fail or fall but as they get older it is my goal to do so, always being their anchor but not their pilot anymore, letting them learn to navigate even when I know what storms are coming. My wife always says, they need a few bruises to remind them things aren't easy. I'm trying to stay out of their way so they can grow, but I'm bad at it, need constant reminding that their Poppy can't fix everything and absolutely shouldn't. My son got home from Afghanistan and I threw up I was so relieved, the fear debilitating. No matter what danger I was in during my long military career, I never understood my wife's panic until it was my son, my child.

We did a tour of some military national parks during Memorial Day weekend with friends and family and this young man fit right in, very knowledgeable about the Civil War. We actually had a two hour discussion on trench digging and strategy. He thinks my daughter hung the moon so in that, we are in complete agreement.

Thanks again,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Glad to here that you got to know the guy a little better and now I feel bad for posting what I said. My bad.

 

I was like that with my daughter too Grumps. I was concerned when she introduced me to her boyfriend. That was when she was in 9th grade. She continued with this guy and he was two years older and he went to college and the were still together. Then she went to the same college and after college they stayed together. Two years ago I gave my daughter away to her husband (same guy) and they own a home, are happy but right now the only thing that bothers me is I have no grand kids to spoil, so lately I've been dropping hints and if they don't hurry up it will turn to threats.

 

I thought I replied here, losing my mind....

My wife is getting the grand baby bug....everything just needs to slow down....I'm dying here bubbaganoosh.

G

[littleplanet]

Very well articulated and I thank you for your words. Being a father isn't easy for me sometimes because I can be exact about what I want for them, and have to reel it in like a fishing pole with no bait on my hook, wondering where all that great crud went. I'm not naturally good at letting them fail or fall but as they get older it is my goal to do so, always being their anchor but not their pilot anymore, letting them learn to navigate even when I know what storms are coming. My wife always says, they need a few bruises to remind them things aren't easy. I'm trying to stay out of their way so they can grow, but I'm bad at it, need constant reminding that their Poppy can't fix everything and absolutely shouldn't. My son got home from Afghanistan and I threw up I was so relieved, the fear debilitating. No matter what danger I was in during my long military career, I never understood my wife's panic until it was my son, my child.

We did a tour of some military national parks during Memorial Day weekend with friends and family and this young man fit right in, very knowledgeable about the Civil War. We actually had a two hour discussion on trench digging and strategy. He thinks my daughter hung the moon so in that, we are in complete agreement.

Thanks again,

Grumps

 

You're more than welcome!

My own phlisophical approach eventually came around to this:

Rather than the pilot, I tried my best to be the lighthouse.

(I can imitate a fair two-tone foghorn......spent my childhood summers on the Bay of Fundy - just north of Maine.)

Fog like you wouldn't believe.

I guess I'm a sonic sort of guy - always thought that 'tone' betrays a lot more of what's behind the words.

Sometimes it isn't easy being a guiding light. (Sometimes it requires putting in a lot of unpaid overtime!)

 

And yes: that debilitating fear is a whole new education.

You hope you're prepared.....but you never really are.

In the end, all you can do is love them and try to remain as consistently sane as possible.

 

Of course she hung the moon. Glad he noticed!

[tomkat]

Just don't think about it. Unless you're dating him, it's gotta be her choice. I get being worried/protective/wanting her to make the right choice-but it's hers to make