Accepting that you don't have the skills to be part of the game

[Potz4prez]

I'm not trying to be a superstar, I'm just trying to get off the bench. Does making your own rules matter when the objective isn't met? I'm wondering if I'm missing some of these social rules you mention. I'm not looking to change the environment I'm in or complain that it's unfair. I just either need to learn how to adapt or accept it's unlikely that I will.

 

Just go ask a girl out... see where it goes, and learn by doing. All this internet banter isn't going to get you anywhere.

[thedj10show]

Just go ask a girl out... see where it goes, and learn by doing. All this internet banter isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

All I'm learning from these one-and-dones is that I'm doing something or appearing offputting. If I don't understand what to change, can I really expect different results? Clinical definition of insanity, no?

[jbelle6]

I don't know you so I am not saying this is you, but sometimes men I have known that complain they can't get dates are maybe a 5/6 out of 10 but they go after the 8's-10's. I know SO many like that, then they wonder why they get nowhere (unless they are loaded).

 

The height wouldn't bother me, I'm only 5'1 and petite though, but it could be a lot worst than 5'7.

 

I agree that you should try to approach more women. I feel bad for men being expected to do the approaching most times, must be nerve wracking.

[thedj10show]

I don't know you so I am not saying this is you, but sometimes men I have known that complain they can't get dates are maybe a 5/6 out of 10 but they go after the 8's-10's. I know SO many like that, then they wonder why they get nowhere (unless they are loaded).

 

The height wouldn't bother me, I'm only 5'1 and petite though, but it could be a lot worst than 5'7.

 

I agree that you should try to approach more women. I feel bad for men being expected to do the approaching most times, must be nerve wracking.

 

I've actually contemplated this quite heavily. Most of my activities are very fitness oriented, so naturally I'm among in-shape women, which then are the ones I approach. Maybe I am setting the bar too high. And honestly, I'm not complaining about having to do the approaching. I can do that part no problem. It's really transitioning from the initial date into something more that I can't seem to crack. Even dating ex-fiancee was mad lucky, as that was a co-workers/friends thing that we admitted we had the hots for each other thing that flipped a switch overnight.

 

What constitutes the 8-10 range? Or at least the floor of that pool of people.

Edited May 14, 2014 by thedj10show

[mrnova66]

I don't know you so I am not saying this is you, but sometimes men I have known that complain they can't get dates are maybe a 5/6 out of 10 but they go after the 8's-10's. I know SO many like that, then they wonder why they get nowhere (unless they are loaded).

 

The height wouldn't bother me, I'm only 5'1 and petite though, but it could be a lot worst than 5'7.

 

I agree that you should try to approach more women. I feel bad for men being expected to do the approaching most times, must be nerve wracking.

I know just as many women that do this. So please do not gang up on men. I have known women on welfare that have not work a day in their life. From a scale from 1 to 10 they might be a 3. Have 3 kids by 3 dads, But yet they think they deserve a 10. So please troll some where else

[R3d]

Honestly, it's the height that's killing me by far. Being a different race isn't that detrimental, being too boney can be cured by working out, looks can be improved to at least average for most people and I am 16 so even though I am average-looking right now, things might change. Besides, Indian children tend to finish developing their looks a bit later than most Americans. But the height...I am 5'3.5 and my mom is 5'0 and my dad is 5'7. Unless some miracle happens and somehow I get a huge growth spurt (which is very unlikely), I have been doomed to the manlet status.

 

I feel like no matter how hot or muscular you are, based on what I've read online, being short kills all sexual attraction. Its like being a fat girl, except you can't do anything so it's even worse...

 

And a lot of girls around 5 feet actually want 6 feet or taller men. Short girls want tall guys; tall girls want tall guys...who wants short guys?

Edited June 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thedj10show]

I know just as many women that do this. So please do not gang up on men. I have known women on welfare that have not work a day in their life. From a scale from 1 to 10 they might be a 3. Have 3 kids by 3 dads, But yet they think they deserve a 10. So please troll some where else

 

But do they actually get them?

[thedj10show]

Honestly, it's the height that's killing me by far. Being a different race isn't that detrimental, being too boney can be cured by working out, looks can be improved to at least average for most people and I am 16 so even though I am average-looking right now, things might change. Besides, Indian children tend to finish developing their looks a bit later than most Americans. But the height...I am 5'3.5 and my mom is 5'0 and my dad is 5'7. Unless some miracle happens and somehow I get a huge growth spurt (which is very unlikely), I have been doomed to the manlet status.

 

I feel like no matter how hot or muscular you are, based on what I've read online, being short kills all sexual attraction. Its like being a fat girl, except you can't do anything so it's even worse...

 

And a lot of girls around 5 feet actually want 6 feet or taller men. Short girls want tall guys; tall girls want tall guys...who wants short guys?

 

 

 

 

I used to think it was more my skinniness than my height, until I got jacked this past winter. I can lift more than my friends that are over 6' tall, but it really hasn't changed much. Although I can score goals from 30+ yards out and hit driver over 280, so that's dope, haha.

 

I don't really know what to say to you, my man. It's tough being down here below the clouds, but if you're healthy and mentally sane, never take that for granted.

Edited June 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ZipperZapper]

I don't know you so I am not saying this is you, but sometimes men I have known that complain they can't get dates are maybe a 5/6 out of 10 but they go after the 8's-10's. I know SO many like that, then they wonder why they get nowhere (unless they are loaded).

 

The height wouldn't bother me, I'm only 5'1 and petite though, but it could be a lot worst than 5'7.

 

I agree that you should try to approach more women. I feel bad for men being expected to do the approaching most times, must be nerve wracking.

 

So, are you personally approaching men and exhorting your female friends to do the same if they're having trouble finding a guy? If not, why not?

 

Women are supposed to be fully equal to men these days, and if they really want to live up to the claim of being equal, and support real equality, then they need to ante up and start doing what men have to go through - asking people out and bearing the brunt of rejection just like men do.

 

It is grossly unfair and hypocritical to insist that you (and by saying 'you', I don't mean you personally) are equal but also insist that men do all the work in dating and relationships, and then expecting them to work very hard at this, only to get nothing in the end besides being cut down and laughed at for even trying. Is it any wonder why men are pissed off and upset with women these days? Is it any surprise why men are complaining about not being able to get dates or find partners when women endlessly keep raising the bar and their demands?

 

Women have never been in such a favoured position as they are now. And they're abusing their new-found power. Keep it up, ladies, the men are just starting to walk away from the table.

[greenbee81]

I think Confidence helps greatly.

 

I am by no means what girls look for, but time to time I do get flirty with women. Though I lack game, girls have said I am mysterious and interesting (I have a lot of life experience and sought adventures with friends).

 

Some girls like a good book rather than a great looking pulp less movie?

[carhill]

I wonder if most guys learn these skills from their Father or some male role model in their family when they are young, or their friends?

In my generation, it was often the 'older brother' or if their father was younger, meaning in his twenties/teens when the son was born. My dad was in his forties when I was born in the 50's and he didn't teach me much about womanizing, though he was a good role model of what a husband and father should be. Missing the intermediate part of that process proved to be very frustrating and there was no older brother to watch. I did have a somewhat lecherous uncle who was pretty good at womanizing, much to the chagrin of my aunt, but I didn't watch his moves much.

 

I started accepting 'reality' in my late twenties when all my friends were married and had kids and I was still struggling to get a date. The main reason was being out of sync with my generation, where the males in my social circle focused on getting laid as much as possible and I was looking for 'the one'. Women didn't know what to do with that so said 'no'. Finally, I gave up on finding the few single unmarried women around and started dating single mothers and things improved, but that fundamental 'acceptance' took years. The real change happened when I started approaching women outside of my local area and accepted that my skills sucked locally but appeared to be OK in demographics where women weren't in such high demand.

 

One clear way to accept one doesn't have the skills to be part of the game is to lose some of the male 'stuff' which impels us head-on into this buzz-saw that can be relationships with women. Marriage fixed that for me. I simply have no interest anymore. Any 'desire' has to be consciously ratcheted up. Otherwise, it's one project after another and one friend after another and women are the last thing on my mind. TBH, considering all that has gone before, it's very peaceful.

 

Good luck, OP. I've walked some of your path, seen a lot in life and found some peace with it all. Best wishes for you finding your own peace and happiness.

[jay1983]

I've given up, dating game's got me beat, I just don't have the energy to pursue women anymore. I'm just gonna do me, focus all my energy into myself and my son.

[kodakgirl]

Short girls want tall guys; tall girls want tall guys...who wants short guys?

 

I do! All else being equal I feel more attracted to shorter fellows. I'd prefer a guy who is 5'4" over a guy who is 6'4", although pretty much everything else is more important and I wouldn't turn down a great tall guy. Some women do not even consider short guys, it is true, and it sucks, but I think everyone has some quality that certain people consider an automatic dealbreaker, and others consider a turn-on. There are many, many more limiting factors. Like someone said above, if you are healthy, you are well ahead of a lot of people who would trade just about anything for that.

 

To the OP-- I understand your feelings and frustrations. When you've worked really hard on other aspects of your life, really worked to be the person you want to be, and have the life you want, and achieve success, it is even more frustrating when romance comes up against a wall. All your life you've had the corroboration between working hard for the things you want and being successful in them, but when the thing you want is love, it suddenly isn't working. So you feel you must be missing something essential to success in the field, some skill or qualification or talent.

 

But love isn't like that. It's much more arbitrary. It isn't completely arbitrary--there are factors that are going to make you more successful, and some of them you can work on, like confidence, optimisim, and happiness with your life. The line of cause-and-effect though isn't so direct. If you're great at soccer, it shows right away and you get a great place on the team. If you're great academically you get A's and scholarships. If you're a great potential partner.... it depends. You certainly don't automatically have a great partner walk into your life as a result. It's so much more complex with that. You've got to meet someone who doesn't just think you're good on paper, who really feels a connection, AND wants the same things you want at the same time, AND who you feel a connection with. How long it takes is honestly just luck. You can improve the odds by being out there, meeting more people, trying more avenues, but nothing you can do will give you a guaranteed time frame, or even a guarantee of love. The more you work on making yourself a great partner, the better a chance you have of getting them when you meet them, absolutely. But I think you have to accept that no matter what you do, there is this arbitrary aspect that there just isn't in a lot of other areas of endeavour. You can't give up because you aren't seeing immediate results. It doesn't mean you suck at it.

 

Accepting it is something I struggle with myself. And I'm a 26 year old, attractive, "good catch" woman. I am really happy with my life and I have worked incredibly hard to get here. But I've always really struggled romantically. Sometimes I tear myself to pieces trying to find the faults, or feeling I'm just lacking the "skill" everyone else seems to have. Of course I am not perfect and of course there are things I can work on, but ultimately-- it's that luck thing. You sound like a really great guy-- motivated, caring, loyal, confident. Cute and well-dressed is the perfect appearance combination to me, anyway. Keep doing what you are doing, and I believe your time for luck is going to come.

[El Brujo]

If you don't like the rules, you should consider switching to a different game... one which isn't rigged as badly against you.

 

I quit the bar scene and OLD because I got better results when I started going to meetups.

[Ranchero44]

 

 

My other faults that I know are a big deal:

- balding, but can't force myself to use Propecia and risk having my dongle never work again. My hair in undergrad was an afro and was the only thing that girls positively commented on.

 

Well, OP, you made me laugh out loud, and believe me, you'll get a lot more mileage with women out of a wicked sense of humor than height. BTW, 5'7" isn't really that short. I am a 5'7" woman, and I had a very lovely relationship once with a man who was 5'3". I don't think 5'7" is short at all.

[Imajerk17]

You're young, had a ex-fiance, and have all these other things going for you. So what are you asking again?

 

This thread strikes me as humble-brag OP. Stop whining.

[irc333]

If you don't like the rules, you should consider switching to a different game... one which isn't rigged as badly against you.

 

I quit the bar scene and OLD because I got better results when I started going to meetups.

 

Yes, Meetups are highly recommended. That way you have face time and the same woman at the Meetups, that would normally reject you online, may not likely reject you in person.

[Badsingularity]

Why is it that even when men don't have their youthful looks anymore they can still be able to attract young 20-something women?

 

Men and women are different.