His wife called me and told me I was NOT going to speak to her husband again!

[K.K.]

I'm putting this in this forum because that sure what it feels like now.

 

I have not had a date in 3 years. It's not because I couldn't get one.

It's because after my breakup with an abusive ass, I am damaged.

 

The only person I've spoken to, who knows me inside and out (almost)

is a guy I work with who is married. 3 years sitting at the lunch table

has made us inseparable at work. I have never seen him outside

Of work. I've tried to get him to take me to yard sales and various

Things we both find interesting but he says his wife won't allow it. Um ok.

 

Anyway, I thought we were as close as two people could get without being

Lovers. Boy was I wrong.

 

We both have a very sick sense of humor. He gets me.

You know how refreshing that is? To have somebody get you?

He tells me all the time how if he wasn't married he would love to be

With me. I laugh it off. He tells me I'm perfect and awesome

And I admit... I ate it up.

 

I always knew he didn't have the strongest backbone

But I tried to overlook it because of his good points. He's polite

Nice, funny, thoughtful etc.

 

Anyway long story short- last week he sent his wife a

Flirtatious stupid message that he meant for me. It was just dumb

Corny crap. The next thing I know she's on the phone screaming

And yelling at him and he's CRYING.

 

I say omg are you serious.

 

He quits speaking to me right then and there.

 

The next day I get a call from his number and it's his

WIFE and in a Julia Childs voice she tells me that I am

not ALLOWED to talk to her husband again.

 

I say "lady we work together. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

 

She says "you will NOT speak to him"

 

So I say "ill speak to him any damn time I want to!!

 

She says "this is what he wants. "

 

I say "let him tell me that then. "

 

So then she puts it on speakerphone and I hear him

Whimpering in the background. Muttering something.

 

So I finally get fed up and can't even believe this situation. So I say yea

Whatever BYYYEEE

 

So I was angry the whole weekend. Monday came and he wouldn't even look at me. I said how could you do that to me?? He said his life was "destroyed".

 

Over a text message?? Dude you know what a destroyed life is are you serious??

 

So now he eats his lunch and goes to break in his car that's probably 100 degrees just so he doesn't have to be near me.

 

I got no apologies. I got nothing. I lost a friend of 3 years. Over a text message.

 

The worst part is the disgust that I feel for him being a coward.

 

He's jumping through hoops for her now. But when it hits him

Just how much he lost by treating me like I'm some kind of home wrecking slut

I hope it hurts. I hope it hurts bad.

 

I did NOT deserve this. He sat there by the phone while she

Berated me. And told me what I WAS NOT GOING TO DO.

 

YEA OK SHE WAS JEALOUS I GET IT.

 

But this HURTS. Does she think she can just control him

For the rest of his cowardly life?? If so they deserve each other.

 

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to even go about my work day KNOWING that this guy did this to me. He was my friend! I trusted him!

[forbidden_love]

I know this hurts but sorry it really is funny ...... I was having an affair and my MM got a gun to his head and I got calls from her on HIS phone. I am still seeing him silly me. But your friend is a wimp being controlled by his mum. It is also possible he has let on he has more feelings for you in some way to her. Maybe he shouted your name in his sleep lol

[SoleMate]

What am I supposed to do now?

 

* Find someone new to have lunch with

 

* Go NC (no contact); limit your contact with the co-worker to strictly work-related questions only

 

* Rethink your part in this mess; you WERE at fault when you let a MM say and do this and gave him all encouragement:

 

He tells me all the time how if he wasn't married he would love to be

With me. I laugh it off. He tells me I'm perfect and awesome

And I admit... I ate it up.

 

Since the flirty text was enough to get the married couple screaming and crying, then clearly there was something wrong with it. The fault is primarily on his side, but guess what? In the aftermath of a MM/OW D-day, OW gets thrown under the bus.

 

* Don't let any work friendship turn into a flirtation, be the man married or not. Find a man outside the workplace.

 

My 2c.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yes, you deserved this. You were having an emotional affair with a married man. He should have set boundaries but he is a wimp so she had to do it for him. Stay away from them and stop using someone else's husband to get your emotional needs met. You don't have an emotional affair with someone then act like nothing happened to their wife. You need to understand healthy behaviors and this is not one of them. Stay away for married men. Get some professional help for you because your behavior is damaging and destructive not only to you but those around you. You don't get to spew your damage into others....you have to take responsibility for your actions. I understand you say you came from an emotionally abusive relationship but that doesn't give you any right to do dysfunctional things and then cry " I'm damaged." Plenty of people are damaged in life and they don't resort to flirting with and emotionally engaging married people. Get help.

Grumps

[Tressugar]

Single women should NEVER become friends with married men. I don't care if you're co workers or not.

[K.K.]

Yes, you deserved this. You were having an emotional affair with a married man. He should have set boundaries but he is a wimp so she had to do it for him. Stay away from them and stop using someone else's husband to get your emotional needs met. You don't have an emotional affair with someone then act like nothing happened to their wife. You need to understand healthy behaviors and this is not one of them. Stay away for married men. Get some professional help for you because your behavior is damaging and destructive not only to you but those around you. You don't get to spew your damage into others....you have to take responsibility for your actions. I understand you say you came from an emotionally abusive relationship but that doesn't give you any right to do dysfunctional things and then cry " I'm damaged." Plenty of people are damaged in life and they don't resort to flirting with and emotionally engaging married people. Get help.

Grumps

 

So you're saying that married people cannot be friends with the opposite sex and IM THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP??

 

Ya know, come to think of it. You're just like my coworker.

Always blah blah blah-ing about how your wife is so perfect no woman would ever temp you blah blah what a moral person you are. Yea yea your wife and life is sooooo perfect huh. So let me ask you the same thing I asked him . WHO YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE WITH THAT ****. Me or YOU.

 

You're also the one that just said yesterday I believe or the day before that you still think about your OTHER woman every single day. Maybe it's time you GET HELP. (Now was that helpful? Nah didn't think so)

[K.K.]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

[Tressugar]

Uh oh! Stay tuned.

[Allumere]

I am sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately, I think most wives would react the same way. It may be hard for you to empathize but for a moment slide into her shoes. Everything in her world is going along just fine and she reads this text message. In a matter of mere moments everything she has known of her husband, her marriage and the life she has is now threatened. He also knows he has to deal with this reality now, that he has hurt his wife and may lose it all and he loves his wife....what else would he do? A friend or his wife? I am not saying you shouldn't hurt but unfortunately him sending a text message like that wasn't appropriate and does cross the line. And to be honest because he was filling a void in your life and feeding your ego that line was crossed by both of you a long time ago. It happens and I understand why but if you do truly value him as a friend then you have to appreciate the situation he is in and step away. Whether his wife is controlling or he has no backbone is irrelevant. It'll be hard and lonely for awhile but you were able to open up with him which is proof you are capable. Try moving on, make some female friends so you have a good support system, and don't close yourself off to the possibility of a new relationship in the future.

[TylerDurdenn]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

 

Yes you are right, you were only friends. That's why he picked his wife over you.

 

Deal with it.

[somedude81]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

 

All the more reason for you to never speak to him again.

 

Find somebody who isn't taken that you can talk to.

[K.K.]

I am sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately, I think most wives would react the same way. It may be hard for you to empathize but for a moment slide into her shoes. Everything in her world is going along just fine and she reads this text message. In a matter of mere moments everything she has known of her husband, her marriage and the life she has is now threatened. He also knows he has to deal with this reality now, that he has hurt his wife and may lose it all and he loves his wife....what else would he do? A friend or his wife? I am not saying you shouldn't hurt but unfortunately him sending a text message like that wasn't appropriate and does cross the line. And to be honest because he was filling a void in your life and feeding your ego that line was crossed by both of you a long time ago. It happens and I understand why but if you do truly value him as a friend then you have to appreciate the situation he is in and step away. Whether his wife is controlling or he has no backbone is irrelevant. It'll be hard and lonely for awhile but you were able to open up with him which is proof you are capable. Try moving on, make some female friends so you have a good support system, and don't close yourself off to the possibility of a new relationship in the future.

 

Thank you for that. I am not cold hearted. Of course I understand she was jealous. But to call me on the phone while he stood there whimpering like a baby just took it to some level it didn't need to go. He wasn't there for my ego. I leaned on him for support. Just like he did me. The part where he was married was irrelevant to me because I never planned on touching him. He was a

Friend.

 

I think this is probably where alot of wives go wrong. Things like this tend to backfire. Nobody likes being told what they will and won't do like a 2

Year old.

[K.K.]

Yes you are right, you were only friends. That's why he picked his wife over you.

 

Deal with it.

 

Yea he got a

Great catch there. Someone that reduces him to a pile of sniveling

Crying wimpiness. Lucky him.

[K.K.]

All the more reason for you to never speak to him again.

 

Find somebody who isn't taken that you can talk to.

 

Thank you. You're right.

[fiatflux]

Give it a few weeks or months...he will come around if you are willing to wait for this to blow over. In the meantime, go NC and let him miss you. The reason he has reacted this way is obviously because he does have strong feelings for you and has an emotional bond with you that competes with what he has with his wife. So whatever the wife is accusing him of, he feels guilty of.

[forbidden_love]

Yes you are right, you were only friends. That's why he picked his wife over you.

 

Deal with it.

Correction...... his wife was the one making the decision, she was his mum - does not bode well for their future. If he could not tell her himself without his mum then it proves there is something wrong with their marriage nothing to do wtih OP. Jee why would you even care about this pathetic man?

[Hope Shimmers]

Guess the wife didn't like the "stupid, crappy, flirty" text message. Hey, maybe it even made her wonder what else was going on!

 

Most wives in that situation would be upset. I would. Think about it... if you were married and your husband was sending flirty text messages to another woman he worked with, how would you like it?

 

Given your reaction to some of the advice here, I think you are way over the top in your reaction. If he was just a friend, then understand that he wants to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. It's not really your business whether she is 'bossing him around', or what. I don't understand why you are so upset, defensive, and even nasty in your replies.

 

And yes... YOU can talk to him anytime you want, but he doesn't have to choose to respond, and it seems that is what he is choosing. So, move on. He was just a friend after all.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I've tried to get him to take me to yard sales and various

Things we both find interesting

 

Anyway, I thought we were as close as two people could get without being Lovers.

 

He tells me all the time how if he wasn't married he would love to be With me. I laugh it off. He tells me I'm perfect and awesome. And I admit... I ate it up.

 

Flirtatious stupid message that he meant for me.

 

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to even go about my work day KNOWING that this guy did this to me. He was my friend! I trusted him!

 

 

I think what you should do is take a step back and try to look at it from different point of view. If this was your husband or boyfriend, would YOU be okay with this sort of relationship with another woman?? Would you be alright if she asked him to take her places they both found interesting? If he was sending flirty texts to her? HOW exactly did you expect him to stand up to his wife? To tell her, "NO! I'm going to keep being in this emotional affair with this woman I have a crush on, because as long as we aren't having sex, it's not cheating!"

 

He didn't do anything to you. His wife is the one who was wronged. Marriages are supposed to be far stronger that any "work friendship", yet you somehow believe he is supposed to put all of that on the line because he was having an EA with you? He has nothing invested in you. Wake up.

[Allumere]

He did make you feel like you mattered with comments he made...you admitted as much in your original post. And on the surface those aren't awful comments and may not even be leading comments on his part. I have many guys friends and I have a couple I am very close to that are married that I hang out with, sometimes with their wives, sometimes not. They have made comments along the lines of they can't believe I am still single or that if they were single they would go out with me. I take it as them being kind and also since they are my friends I would expect them to point out my flaws, maybe things I do that chases men away and they have done that as well. I think the difference may be that I know and am friends with their wives so there is a level of trust. Heck one guy is only allowed to go to music festivals with me if his wife can't go cause I'll keep him out of trouble (i.e, no stupid drinking and driving etc.) I don't view that as whimpy but rather him just having respect for her concerns and being a small enough issue to not argue about.

 

If he is in a controlling relationship that is his choice and something he needs to work through. It is possible that her handling of the situation could backfire or it could simply be the catalyst for him to express himself and his needs in the marriage....who knows. As outsiders we never really know everything that happens in the context of a dating relationship or marriage.

 

Again, I get the hurt and how it feels almost like a betrayal. Unfortunately I think you have to handle it like many advise handling a romantic relationship on this site and that is to simply walk away. It'll be tough giving you work together but do the best you can.

[TylerDurdenn]

Correction...... his wife was the one making the decision, she was his mum - does not bode well for their future. If he could not tell her himself without his mum then it proves there is something wrong with their marriage nothing to do wtih OP. Jee why would you even care about this pathetic man?

 

Sorry I disagree, the ball was in his court. If he really liked the OP he would leave his wife, but he didn't.

[notserene]

Correction...... his wife was the one making the decision, she was his mum - does not bode well for their future. If he could not tell her himself without his mum then it proves there is something wrong with their marriage nothing to do wtih OP. Jee why would you even care about this pathetic man?

 

If this guy is going along with what his wife wants, he must be okay with it at some level.

[notserene]

You make this guy sound like a wuss, but perhaps he's cheated on her before, or had one too many "flirty" friendships. Hence the reaction from his wife.

[Radu]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

Who cares ?

You describe him as your emotional tampon, a function he fulfilled.

 

A friend is supposed to be asexual, because hey, it's a platonic friend.

Why does it matter that this guy has no backbone ?

 

Why does it matter that you would not treat a man like that ?

 

Thank you for that. I am not cold hearted. Of course I understand she was jealous. But to call me on the phone while he stood there whimpering like a baby just took it to some level it didn't need to go. He wasn't there for my ego. I leaned on him for support. Just like he did me. The part where he was married was irrelevant to me because I never planned on touching him. He was a

Friend.

 

I think this is probably where alot of wives go wrong. Things like this tend to backfire. Nobody likes being told what they will and won't do like a 2

Year old.

You're grasping at straws here.

He's married ... does he have kids ?

 

Here's a hint, MM always [think high probability right now] pick their wives if they are forced to.

 

As for weather wives are in the wrong, yeah ... i'm sure you would have acted differently if 10+yrs of marriage and kids were on the line.

[mammasita]

Marriage comes first. I'd certainly be pissed if my husband were sending flirty messages to some female coworker. You can bet she'd be cut off immedieately.....or better yet, my husband would hopefully know better than to not let his "friendship" cross that boundary.

[K.K.]

See that's just the thing. I can see where alot of you are

Coming from. I do. I understand she is his wife. I am just a coworker

Friend. Ok I get that. But for me, and I thought for him

As well that we were as close as family. Three whole years of friendship. Sharing laughing joking. I donated money every year to his AND his wife's charity. I cared about them as people. I didn't cross any lines.

 

I wasn't asking him to "pick me".

 

I was just assuming that after all we've been through, he could

Have at LEAST pulled me aside and told me the text message fiasco didn't go over too well and that he was going to have to curb our friendship

To spare her feelings.

 

It would've still hurt but it would have been a human thing to do.

 

It's the part where he stood in the background like a

Sniveling baby while

She COMMANDED ME to never speak to him again and he let her that got to me.

Edited May 11, 2014 by K.K.
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