His wife called me and told me I was NOT going to speak to her husband again!

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

There's nothing wrong with being friends with a married man as long as you understand boundaries. I have a male BFF who just got married. His then fiancé knew all about me and had no issues with our friendship. Why? Because we gave her no reason to. He calls me in front of her and will engage her in the conversation. She and I would also talk, and she is aware our friendship began long before their relationship. He and I have NEVER flirted or gone beyond anything outside of a normal friendship. Once the friendship becomes hidden, secret, or flirtatious, then you are indeed crossing lines.

[Grumpybutfun]

So you're saying that married people cannot be friends with the opposite sex and IM THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP??

 

Ya know, come to think of it. You're just like my coworker.

Always blah blah blah-ing about how your wife is so perfect no woman would ever temp you blah blah what a moral person you are. Yea yea your wife and life is sooooo perfect huh. So let me ask you the same thing I asked him . WHO YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE WITH THAT ****. Me or YOU.

 

You're also the one that just said yesterday I believe or the day before that you still think about your OTHER woman every single day. Maybe it's time you GET HELP. (Now was that helpful? Nah didn't think so)

 

 

I have never had another woman, you must have me confused. I do think you need help.You think that is how male and female friends behave and that is why you need help...you were in an emotional affair. I don't have to confirm or deny anything, I'm perfectly happy. This woman should be insecure because her husband was obviously flirting with you on the phone, she could tell he was involved in an emotional affair with you. Go NC and get some help to see why you seek out emotional validation by inappropriate men.

G

[whichwayisup]

This whole situation has been handled badly by you all. You, him and his wife.

 

If your friendship is innocent and completely platonic, no emotional affair happening, no feelings and no sexual tension, then there's no reason why you can't be a part of his life, get to know his wife and hang out together once in a while. What you may not know about, meaning, if he talks about you a lot at home, could be what has flagged his wife's attention. She is not a stupid woman, she may know her husband has a thing for you. Fact is, your friendship with him is TOO much, the texting all the time, hanging out, being very personable is not good behaviour on his behalf since he is married. Imagine you being married and your husband was doing this with some co worker - Texting ,flirting and spending a lot of time together - I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be too happy about it.

 

Respect her request by backing off, stop seeing her as the enemy or 'his mom' keeping him on a tight leash. See that he is a wimp and he can't stand up to you or to his wife.

 

Make new friends, preferably females, try not to befriend and become close friends with married men. You'll get burned! Just read in this section how easy it is to think you're having a simple so called friendship and then all of sudden you're in the midst of an emotional or physical affair. It happens.

[Raena]

See this!!! This right here!! You have just restored my faith in womanhood!! This is what I'm talking about!! This is how it should be!! What you just said says everything and then some about you! A loving kind secure woman!! omg Thank you so much I thought I was going crazy. Where's the feel like crying happy tears smiley.

 

(I didn't read the rest of this thread yet because I felt like I HAD to respond to this comment of yours... apologies if this has already been said)

 

I'd be careful about taking this as the gospel truth and completely ignoring the countless other people on here telling you that what you did was wrong. You are only thinking about yourself here and not thinking about what your relationship with him did to his marriage. If you were truly a friend then at some point in those 3 YEARS you would have made it a point to meet his WIFE and befriend HER as well. Instead you snuck around chatting it up with him at work all the time while she was completely unaware of it. This is NOT a normal healthy attitude. You should take it as a lesson learned... stay away from married men or at the very least, don't encourage them to flirt with you because that really isn't a platonic friendship. If you wish to remain friendly with a male then you should also seek to be friendly with his wife as well so that she KNOWS you don't seek anything other than friendship. THAT'S the way to avoid this exact situation from occurring... or of course you could have told him to stop flirting with you and stayed away from him but you chose not to. You must have liked the way he made you feel, whether it was platonic on your end or not, it was inappropriate for his marriage and he knows it.

 

In addition... I will tell you that anyone woman that says she would be perfectly ok with her husband flirting with and telling some female coworker that he talks to EVERY DAY at work without her knowledge that he would be with said coworker if he wasn't married is blowing smoke up your arse because that's NOT the normal reaction. Even in the best of marriages this would be seen as a red flag and cause for concern.

[spookysonata]

(I didn't read the rest of this thread yet because I felt like I HAD to respond to this comment of yours... apologies if this has already been said)

 

I'd be careful about taking this as the gospel truth and completely ignoring the countless other people on here telling you that what you did was wrong. You are only thinking about yourself here and not thinking about what your relationship with him did to his marriage. If you were truly a friend then at some point in those 3 YEARS you would have made it a point to meet his WIFE and befriend HER as well. Instead you snuck around chatting it up with him at work all the time while she was completely unaware of it. This is NOT a normal healthy attitude. You should take it as a lesson learned... stay away from married men or at the very least, don't encourage them to flirt with you because that really isn't a platonic friendship. If you wish to remain friendly with a male then you should also seek to be friendly with his wife as well so that she KNOWS you don't seek anything other than friendship. THAT'S the way to avoid this exact situation from occurring... or of course you could have told him to stop flirting with you and stayed away from him but you chose not to. You must have liked the way he made you feel, whether it was platonic on your end or not, it was inappropriate for his marriage and he knows it.

 

In addition... I will tell you that anyone woman that says she would be perfectly ok with her husband flirting with and telling some female coworker that he talks to EVERY DAY at work without her knowledge that he would be with said coworker if he wasn't married is blowing smoke up your arse because that's NOT the normal reaction. Even in the best of marriages this would be seen as a red flag and cause for concern.

 

I am slow clapping for this post

[Survivor12]

He wasn't there for my ego. I leaned on him for support. Just like he did me. The part where he was married was irrelevant to me because I never planned on touching him. He was a

Friend.

 

Quote:

He tells me all the time how if he wasn't married he would love to be

With me. I laugh it off. He tells me I'm perfect and awesome

And I admit... I ate it up.

[Anela]

Nope - only the insecure ones.

 

If my H was close to a female friend - M or S - at work, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Nor would a flirty text. He's my partner, not my puppy. He's with me because he chooses to be, not because I keep him on a leash.

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Here are flakey, insecure women out there who treat every other woman as a threat, and she's clearly one. I hope your friend learns from this how controlling she is, and uses the opportunity to wean himself away from her apron strings, and I hope your work situation normalises soon so that you don't have to feel the fall-out on an ongoing basis.

 

Please recognise that she is the one with the problem here, not you. Her life will always be unhappy with such high levels of insecurity, whereas you are free to find other friends and not be tied to such craziness.

 

Since he's married, I think he should be weaning himself off the woman he spends too much time with, hurting his wife.

[Minnie09]

You both acted inappropriately. You got excited from all the attention he gave you, and he flirted with you secretively ....... He got his ego-feed and you got yours. There's no doubt about it. His W was oblivious, until she got the text, and you were very well aware of that, too. You knew she had no clue, and you enjoyed the competition. Everything in your posts screams "anger". If it was an innocent friendship, why be so angry? You're clearly jealous, and hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you put yourself in that position, OP.

 

You knew he wasn't "just" a friend. The first time he told you he would pursue you if he were single, you ate it up. Butterflies, anticipating the next lunch date, flirtatious text messages, excitement. It was all there, right? If this was just an innocent friendship, compare it to your other friendships. Do your girlfriends hide you from their significant others? Can you call them anytime? Do they restrict your time together to lunchbreaks? No? I wonder why. There's no way on earth you truly believed that he was just a friend. This relationship was different. No need to get angry at his wife. She probably didn't know about your existence, and he has no business sending flirty texts to other chicks, unless that's how they handle things in their marriage. But then he wouldn't have to be deceitful about it, right? See the difference? That's not a friendship. He's a coward, yes, I agree, and he could've handled things differently, but it's not like you are the innocent victim here. It's not like a friend let you down or anything. It's an inappropriate relationship that wasn't meant to be found out, and you were a willing participant.

[MissBee]

K. K., you guys did have an inappropriate relationship, it seems odd that you are posting as if his wife is just deranged and crazy and your friendship was completely normal...if you didn't, you probably wouldn't have thought to put it on this section of the forum and things would have probably played out way differently. Yes what his wife did and how he reacted is bizarre and yes it makes him seem wimpy and her controlling, but that is the dynamic he chose for himself and you are also not without blame. This wasn't some crazy woman searching through her husband's phone and reading into innocuous platonic texts then calling an innocent coworker in rage because of her insecurities, come on. This is a woman who has a wimpy husband who is in fact having an inappropriate relationship with his coworker and who sent his wife a flirty text meant for said coworker by accident.

 

Platonic friends do NOT send flirty messages to each other, esp when one or both of them are married/in a committed relationship.

 

As others have said, you were in an emotional affair and using this man to meet your emotional needs and he you, but it was inappropriate to do so. I have male friends but you know what? I don't need to eat lunch with them everyday, we are not "inseparable", I DON'T send them flirty messages, I know their SO's and am respectful of them i.e. I have boundaries and don't act in any way that could make them get the wrong idea and if I see my guy friend seeming to cross the line, I can't control him, but I can stop myself from playing into his disrespectful behavior towards his SO.

 

You keep shrouding this relationship in "friend" terms when clearly you had something more going on and the other ways you speak of it make it clear he wasn't just any old work friend. You can't/shouldn't use MM for friendship in this way.

 

His wimpy behavior...well...that's his own thing to deal with. That's his and his wife's business and you can be glad you get to walk away from it and in going forward you should really think about what a friend is and how being genuine friends with a married person should look on both of your parts. Married people with healthy relationships may have opposite sex friends, but they are transparent with their spouses about them and have boundaries in their dealings with them so as not to accidentally cross the line. On your end as the single one it should be similar...anything where it is clandestine, hidden, excessive and you are so dependent and emotionally distraught over your friendship means it is not a healthy friendship at all.

Edited May 12, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

No. Friends don't talk about "if I were single we'd be together":rolleyes:.

 

It boggles my mind that someone can say the wife is the insecure one for being in a monogamous marriage and not finding it appropriate that her husband has this kind of "friendship" with someone...

 

I mean if you're in an open marriage where both of you are okay with your spouse developing romantic feelings for others and emotional intimacy that can lead there, then by all means. However, MOST people aren't in such marriages, so fidelity isn't just about keeping your pants or panties up...one needs emotional boundaries as well that come BEFOREHAND that help to keep them up, since most people don't just say "Hello, want to have sex?" but have to cross more and more emotional boundaries before it gets there. Anyone who doesn't understand this process and doesn't see how it is in fact healthy for monogamous couples to actively maintain integrity in that way doesn't have a good grasp on how human relationships and interactions work.

 

 

K.K...your behavior is on one hand understandable given the emotional turmoil you've been through but it's not a healthy outlook and it is well documented that often people who've been abused have thinner boundaries than normal and usually need to build up their boundaries to a healthier level. At this point it is CLEAR your boundaries are poor....and this crying puddle of a man...well it is no surprise his are as well. But when you are emotionally healthy, it becomes clear to you what is and isn't appropriate and I really do suggest you read more about this instead of simply agreeing with the lone voices encouraging you to believe you are in the right....if you think we're all wrong then simply do your own research about boundaries and what they look like in healthy relationships as well as how people who've been abused can learn to rebuild their boundaries which will help them choose APPROPRIATE relationships and friendships....as your own case shows that often people who've been abused tend to also have trouble choosing healthy friendships as well. I do wish you well with that!

[KaliLove]

Yea he got a

Great catch there. Someone that reduces him to a pile of sniveling

Crying wimpiness. Lucky him.

 

His wife had every right to react however she wanted. He didn't have to take it. Obviously he doesn't mind because he's still with her, and he's doing what she told him to do.

 

Lucky you that you didn't get stuck with the sniveling crying wimp. Hope this will help you learn your lesson about who to open your heart to (hint..not married men).

[AmyBamy]

I agree with you, this is ridiculous. Some people are just so jealous though of anything and everything. She can't tell you who you can and cannot speak with even though she obviously thinks that she can. Of course she can boss him around if he lets her and that's on him. It sounds to me like you are better off without having anything to do with either of them as neither seems very desirable to me as a friend or anything.

[Radu]

OP, are you aware of your own inner rationalizations or is this the first time someone someone mentioned them ?

 

Page 1 you were upset and you wanted some comfort from anonymous ppl.

Page 2 likewise, but you started hitting back at ppl who disagreed with you.

Page 3, you started altering what you wrote on the first 2 pages, to fit in a more positive thing; you focused on individual aspects of the situation instead of the whole in order to get these positive responses ... essentially you put a spin on this stuff.

After this you started being less active, and on page 4 you agreed there might be something to it.

 

Are you aware of this process happening ?

Because it means 2 things :

- you were really emotionally invested in this relationship, which just proves the EA angle [and most if not all ppl would classify this as an EA]

- you have a history of warping perception to suit your belief system at the time, which is basically what rationalizations are ... [a way to rationalize something that is otherwise not OK as something OK without feeling bad about it]

 

As for him, someone mentioned he is a conflict avoider around page 4 and i haven't seen it since then.

It's most likely true.

[snappytomcat]

I agree with you, this is ridiculous. Some people are just so jealous though of anything and everything. She can't tell you who you can and cannot speak with even though she obviously thinks that she can. Of course she can boss him around if he lets her and that's on him. It sounds to me like you are better off without having anything to do with either of them as neither seems very desirable to me as a friend or anything.

amybamy if this was your boyfriend,or husband woule you like him to be in this kinda of relationship?put yourself in those shoe.not picking on you,just pointing out its not ridiculous,the wife feels like this

[Radu]

It boggles my mind that someone can say the wife is the insecure one for being in a monogamous marriage and not finding it appropriate that her husband has this kind of "friendship" with someone...

 

I mean if you're in an open marriage where both of you are okay with your spouse developing romantic feelings for others and emotional intimacy that can lead there, then by all means. However, MOST people aren't in such marriages, so fidelity isn't just about keeping your pants or panties up...one needs emotional boundaries as well that come BEFOREHAND that help to keep them up, since most people don't just say "Hello, want to have sex?" but have to cross more and more emotional boundaries before it gets there. Anyone who doesn't understand this process and doesn't see how it is in fact healthy for monogamous couples to actively maintain integrity in that way doesn't have a good grasp on how human relationships and interactions work.

Wanted to add this ... in an open marriage, this kind of behaviour would probably be even less tolerable.

Open marriage means that one/both will have sex with others outside of the marriage, with or without the consent of the SO.

Because of the risks associated, there is greater then normal communication, so it's doubtfull the situation would have gotten to this.

But if it had, it would have hurt the marriage just as much if not more.

 

Open relationship with emotional aspect added [feelings and such] is what happens in Polyamorous relationships.

 

 

K.K...your behavior is on one hand understandable given the emotional turmoil you've been through but it's not a healthy outlook and it is well documented that often people who've been abused have thinner boundaries than normal and usually need to build up their boundaries to a healthier level. At this point it is CLEAR your boundaries are poor....and this crying puddle of a man...well it is no surprise his are as well. But when you are emotionally healthy, it becomes clear to you what is and isn't appropriate and I really do suggest you read more about this instead of simply agreeing with the lone voices encouraging you to believe you are in the right....if you think we're all wrong then simply do your own research about boundaries and what they look like in healthy relationships as well as how people who've been abused can learn to rebuild their boundaries which will help them choose APPROPRIATE relationships and friendships....as your own case shows that often people who've been abused tend to also have trouble choosing healthy friendships as well. I do wish you well with that!

This a 1000 times !!!

[Snipercatt]

K.K. it isn't unusual, after having been in an abusive relationship to choose someone unavailable to become emotionally intimate with. It rarely turns out for the good.

[AmyBamy]

amybamy if this was your boyfriend,or husband woule you like him to be in this kinda of relationship?put yourself in those shoe.not picking on you,just pointing out its not ridiculous,the wife feels like this

 

I think it is ridiculous. She has the right to feel whatever she wants but I have the right to think it's over the top. I am not that insecure in that I would be upset by something so small. And if I was that upset I wouldn't try to whip someone into submission by calling people and trying to boss them around. She had no right to contact the OP imo, she does not own her husband and he has free will. She could leave him if she is that upset. But to be an adult and expect to force another adult into some kind of weird isolation because of your own insecurities just isn't my thing. I did not read the whole thread just offered my quick opinion to the OP.

 

I have had relationships my whole life and I just don't get jealous. If someone is going to leave me they will do it no matter what I do anyway because I cannot control other human beings that's a fact. I just make my decisions as I go based on what I know but no I never try to force other adults into doing anything other than what they want to do and I deal with it or I get out. In this case she already had the husband crying why did she feel the need to tell OP to stop talking to him? Did she not believe or trust that her husband would stop as he said he would? If so she is in a terrible relationship imo.

[hoping2heal]

So you're saying that married people cannot be friends with the opposite sex and IM THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP??

 

 

I think the point is, when you are married one day, you probably wouldn't appreciate your husband having the same type of intimacy with another woman. Calling it friends doesn't make it any the more innocent.

 

So just try to put yourself in her shoes and maybe you will realize what was so wrong about this. Someone else's husband shouldn't become your emotional comforter; not that it is entirely you who is to blame as its not.

 

I know you're hurting and you feel wronged in all of this but again, think about how you'd feel if this was your husband having this kind of closeness with another woman.

[snappytomcat]

I think it is ridiculous. She has the right to feel whatever she wants but I have the right to think it's over the top. I am not that insecure in that I would be upset by something so small. And if I was that upset I wouldn't try to whip someone into submission by calling people and trying to boss them around. She had no right to contact the OP imo, she does not own her husband and he has free will. She could leave him if she is that upset. But to be an adult and expect to force another adult into some kind of weird isolation because of your own insecurities just isn't my thing. I did not read the whole thread just offered my quick opinion to the OP.

 

I have had relationships my whole life and I just don't get jealous. If someone is going to leave me they will do it no matter what I do anyway because I cannot control other human beings that's a fact. I just make my decisions as I go based on what I know but no I never try to force other adults into doing anything other than what they want to do and I deal with it or I get out. In this case she already had the husband crying why did she feel the need to tell OP to stop talking to him? Did she not believe or trust that her husband would stop as he said he would? If so she is in a terrible relationship imo.

maybe hes a miserable ahole with no backbone,and has done this to his wife before,i have no idea,but how people feel is not ridiculous,cause that's how they feel,and you cant say that's not a right way to feel.

and maybe you have always felt secure in your relationships,but not everyone does,cause maybe he has proven to be a d*ck.

I never thought my husband would cheat in amillion years,but he did,so never say never,cause that's what I said.

and please amybamy don't think im picking on you,i really appreciated you apologizing on one of my recent post,and I thank you for that

just seems like this op might be very young

[cif]

He fed you to the wolves. Otherwise how did it get from he mistakenly sent his wife a text to her calling and threatening you?

 

If it was truly platonic you would've met the wife... At work functions or when she visits to have lunch, etc.

 

Do you love him? Why haven't you dated in all these years? (Previous abusive R is a poor excuse as you could've gotten help to move on)

Edited May 12, 2014 by cif

[Snipercatt]

"Previous abusive R is a poor excuse as you could've gotten help to move on."

 

Maybe this learning experience is part of Kk's journey in "moving on."

 

KK, if you think bsck there were probably many signs that this married man is wimpish. From what you describe I get the impression that he was doing a lot of "mirroring" back to you what he thought you wanted to hear, etc. This can, mistakenly, lead us to believe that this person is our soulmate rather than more accurately realizing they are chameleon in nature - never really authentically original.

 

How do you move on? You choose to. You choose to learn from this and pick better in the future.

[Lady2163]

I am sorry for what you've been through. You didn't understand the dynamics.

 

It is very, VERY common for conflict avoidant men to seek out inappropriate relationships when they are unhappy. This type of man will never divorce--can't stand the thought of so many people against him--and so he simply finds a happy diversion. Divorce is very difficult. Even properly confronting marriage problems openly and honestly is difficult. Most people don't know how. It is clear that this friend of yours has no clue how to be heard in his marriage. When it comes to his wife, on a good day he is only a little wrong, and on a bad day everything about him is wrong; he has no idea how to feel better.

 

You are not responsible for their dishonest communication habits, but the crying mess you saw? That IS him. He is conflict avoidant. It would take a lot of counseling for him to learn any other way, and you don't need that. Yes, pity him and move on. They have much bigger problems than you.

 

But you have seen how needy married men can be, and it often shows in the workplace. Steer clear. A strong man only needs one close relationship at a time, even if it's not sexual.

 

The attack your suffering from other posters? They are mostly betrayed spouses who read here from the infidelity section. Take what you believe is fair and accurate, and leave the rest.

 

Good luck at work.

 

This is a fantastic post.

 

1). I was in the military. I have a lot of male friends. Some of our conversations and comments are never repeated to wives (or in my case, boyfriends). There is an intimacy that can become sexual, but more often than not is just a deep bond and friendship. We are a band of brothers.

2). Unfortunately, where the mistake was made, was NOT spending time outside of work with his wife/family. The wife needed to observe the friendship in action. Instead, I think the MM was having a lovely fantasy relationship with you X number of hours a day. You had things in common, you were friends and pals and worked well together. That had to be quite a change from the controlling shrew he has at home. But, you were thrown at the wife after a three year history of friendship had been built.

3). Undoubtedly, the wife is worried and concerned about what he has told you. That is human nature. Oddly enough, I think he must have left out after three years how demanding things are at home.

4). Conversely, and as an aside, I get very cranky when the men I'm dating flirt with a waitress in front of me. I confront the man. It's pretty tasteless to do that on a second or third date. Do I get bent out of shape if I catch them looking? Not as long as it is subtle.

5). While you did consider him a friend, maybe even your best friend, face it...you enjoyed the other attention as well. I think you are reacting to someome who has just taken your friend away, BUT there were elements of the friendship that were wrong.

6). My last boyfriend and I worked together. I was actually his boss. My contract renewal was not what I wanted, his was. After I left the company,meh would never let me have lunch with him, he didn't want people to know we were dating (the whole stigma and snide comments of dating the boss). But, I found out from someone else that he was having lunch with the same woman every day. Then they went to a work function together. He was actually spending more time with her each week than with me. After a two year relationship with me, where we didn't even live together, he ended it with me, moved her in to his house three weeks later and married her five months after that.

So lunch is not as innocent as you think.

 

My advice...run. Who wants a friend like that? It doesn't matter if they are male or female.

 

Don't give him a second chance to treat you like crap.

 

The first time is on him. The next time will be on you.

[cocorico]

Basically OP only a sociopath would actually agree with you that the wife was in the wrong.

 

:lmao: Well in that case the "sociopaths" are emotionally healthier than the paranoids... :lmao:

[anne1707]

:lmao: Well in that case the "sociopaths" are emotionally healthier than the paranoids... :lmao:

 

 

Well they would think that too by their very nature

[waterwoman]

I think she was wrong to ring you. Her business was with her husband - she just made herself look a bit daft doing that.

 

But any work relationship that offers ongoing emotional support, leads to discussion of being together if things were different, involves flirty texts and that is hidden from the spouse is problematic. Good purely platonic friendships should also include the spouse in some way - the problem with work relationships is that they can totally exclude the spouse without any difficulty. It's so easy for things to develop - there is endless time and opportunity. I don't blame his wife for feeling the way she did or asking her H to step away from you. And his reaction indicates that neither does he!

 

I have some experience in this from both his and her POV btw. So easy to get into dangerous waters.

 

However I think your anger at her demonstrates that you have more invested in this relationship than you want to admit and she has just interfered. Although I can appreciate it must have been humiliating to be told off over the phone by an angry wife!