His wife called me and told me I was NOT going to speak to her husband again!

[Anela]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

 

Maybe he acted that way, because he felt that the relationship was wrong as well?

 

I don't think she was jealous, I think she was scared. When you marry someone, it's with the idea that it's for life ("til' death us do part"). Your spouse is supposed to be the one person you can talk to about anything, the person who is supposed to be there, no matter what. Then she sees a text that points to his attention being elsewhere - not on football, or another activity, but another woman. If there are problems in their marriage, that's their business. If he can't speak up, then that's on him.

[KathyM]

You and the man crossed boundaries that jeopardized and compromised his marriage. You had an emotional affair with him, not just a friendship. The wife was right to be concerned and alarmed with your behavior and with her husband's behavior. It's perfectly appropriate for her to call you and tell you to stay away from her husband. You are intruding on their marriage. The husband was an a** for crossing boundaries with you, which disrespected his wife. He got caught and now is turning on the waterworks to save his marriage, just as most MM do when they are caught having an affair.

[gettingstronger]

You sound angry and reactionary- so my only advice to you is to remember this situation involves a co-worker so be very careful IRL on how you act on those emotions- its one thing to vent on a forum like this, quite another to go off at work-be careful to not do anything at work you can not take back- take a deep breath and think before you take any action that could affect your job-

[Realist3]

K.K.,

 

As others have pointed out, you were in an emotional affair, it wasn't just a friendship. You may tell yourself it is a just friendship, but that is simply denial. You are emotionally invested with this man, and he with you.

 

He got busted. His wife felt you were intruding in their marriage, and you were. How she reacts to that I don't think can be judged as right or wrong. Betrayed spouses react in all sorts of ways, and this reaction seems pretty mild compared to other reactions you read about. When someone feels betrayed they tend to be controlling, and his agreement to abide by those demands shows he too knows the relationship with you was inappropriate. That doesn't make him a wimp, it makes him a man that doesn't want to jeopardize his marriage for continuing his emotional affair with you. Completely normal.

 

If this relationship is as important to him as it is to you, I'm sure it will resume in a couple of weeks after his initial shock of getting busted wears off. You will both figure out a way to take it further underground. At that point at least you will finally know what you are really dealing with, and it is not just a friendship.

[Fluttershy]

K.K.,

 

As others have pointed out, you were in an emotional affair, it wasn't just a friendship. You may tell yourself it is a just friendship, but that is simply denial. You are emotionally invested with this man, and he with you.

 

He got busted. His wife felt you were intruding in their marriage, and you were. How she reacts to that I don't think can be judged as right or wrong. Betrayed spouses react in all sorts of ways, and this reaction seems pretty mild compared to other reactions you read about. When someone feels betrayed they tend to be controlling, and his agreement to abide by those demands shows he too knows the relationship with you was inappropriate. That doesn't make him a wimp, it makes him a man that doesn't want to jeopardize his marriage for continuing his emotional affair with you. Completely normal.

 

If this relationship is as important to him as it is to you, I'm sure it will resume in a couple of weeks after his initial shock of getting busted wears off. You will both figure out a way to take it further underground. At that point at least you will finally know what you are really dealing with, and it is not just a friendship.

 

 

Good post. The wife was very likely in shock and trying hard to keep her head above water. For those accusing her of all sorts of things and doing it with the better than thou attitude (we get it you are perfect so no wrong types). This woman has no idea if they are getting it on in the copy room or not. Or his past history of fidelity. She doesn't know what went on. And she just had a load dumped on her. That call is a pretty minor actions as Realist said and on DDay not at all over the top.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Don't waste another minute worrying about it k.k. Let go of the anger and the friend, and move on. This is why I don't tend to befriend mms, they bring too much drama to a single woman. Just about every mm I've been friends with, inevitably I've drawn fire from either the w accusing me of being after the hubby, or from the h starting to have feelings, either way, you can't win, so now I steer clear of the balls and chains, lol!

[Owl]

Don't waste another minute worrying about it k.k. Let go of the anger and the friend, and move on. This is why I don't tend to befriend mms, they bring too much drama to a single woman. Just about every mm I've been friends with, inevitably I've drawn fire from either the w accusing me of being after the hubby, or from the h starting to have feelings, either way, you can't win, so now I steer clear of the balls and chains, lol!

 

Sage advice here!

 

These are called "boundaries".

 

When (and it usually is when, not if) a friendship starts to cause issues with a marriage...it's time to end that friendship. NO friendship should take prority over a marriage...at least not for those in it. Clearly, when it became a problem (with his wife, if no one else), that's exactly what THEY chose to do.

 

And yes...he was indeed part of that choice...otherwise he'd have had lunch with you, rather than sit in his hot car.

 

It ain't rocket science.

[Sub]

I'm wondering if the same pretext the OP gave - not having had a date in 3 years, coming from an abusive relationship - was involved in his story to his wife. If so, I can't say it helped. Think about it. If this was truly "just friends", what does the OP's relationship history have to do with it? Any rational-thinking human being would look at those variables, add them to the flirtatious texts and requests to go places outside of work(?), and deduct that this was more than "nothing".

[K.K.]

Nobody has heard from the OP?! Maybe she's the one who's snivelling now.

 

 

What happened to all that fire you had?![/]

 

Yea um it's called a JOB. Perhaps if you got one or something you wouldn't have as much time to sit around on a messageboard acting like a douchebag.

 

Funny how this whole thread went down. I tried to tell you that my POINT in this thread was that I was sickened by him being a coward. One minute I'm driving down the road minding my own business. The next some weird psycho

is talking down to me like I'm a piece of **** telling me that I AM NOT ALLOWED to speak to my friend!! My BEST F*CKING FRIEND! AND HE'S STANDING THERE WHIMPERING IN THE BACKGROUND. COWERING FROM HER.

 

It wasn't a secret anything! He called her while we had lunch! She knew who I was! I met her at work one day! There was no secret!

 

The fact that I said I hadn't had a date in 3 years is because I was trying to tell you that THAT is how much I can not connect with another person anymore.

I connected with him. Call it anything you want! I wasn't going to see him outside of work. I respected that he couldn't. So I wanted to go to a yard sale with him. Oh GOD EXECUTE ME.

 

She had NO RIGHT TO CALL ME LIKE THAT. NONE. Nobody owns another person. If she would've acted differently about it I would have completely respected her and backed off the joking. But since SHE CHOSE to act like that I have absolutely NO REGARD for her feelings. NONE.

 

And yes he has a conflict avoidant personality. It's been something about him that I really don't like. But I NEVER thought he would do this to me. HE LOOKS like a fool! He is eating his lunch by himself and will not speak to me and is looking like he feels like the biggest wimp on the planet and he's doing it YES because she wants him to! How does that make her feel as a PERSON. ??????

 

I'd this what MARRIAGE IS? CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER WITH FEAR ! THIS IS ABUSE. THIS IS COMPLETELY ABUSE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HIM.

 

AND WHEN HE gets his balls back if he ever does he is going to REBEL.

 

I am not going to get myself into trouble at work. I see him and I wanna tell him how disgusted I am. But I know he already knows. He's a mess. He doesn't even look like the same person. He looks like a beaten down dog.

 

 

And you wonder why I'm angry???!!

 

Why do you think?? That piece of paper does NOT make you his MASTER.

 

If this is marriage you can HAVE IT.

[Owl]

Query...if you were close friends...how does his conflict avoidance in any way suprise or anger you? I would have thought that this would have been a rather obvious personality trait.

 

I'm also curious...what do you think he should have done? Are you angry because he didn't choose your friendship over his wife? If his wife felt this strongly about it (as she clearly did)...what should he have done differently and still resolved the marital issue that this created?

 

I'm also wondering why you're this angry over the whole thing in general. You're stormingly angry at his wife, and him. Why? Really, in the scope of things...they didn't do anything to you.

 

They asked you to stop talking with him, and end a 'friendship' that was creating marital strife.

 

What does it MATTER TO YOU if his marriage is like this?

 

Why so angry?

[K.K.]

Query...if you were close friends...how does his conflict avoidance in any way suprise or anger you? I would have thought that this would have been a rather obvious personality trait.

 

I'm also curious...what do you think he should have done? Are you angry because he didn't choose your friendship over his wife? If his wife felt this strongly about it (as she clearly did)...what should he have done differently and still resolved the marital issue that this created?

 

I'm also wondering why you're this angry over the whole thing in general. You're stormingly angry at his wife, and him. Why? Really, in the scope of things...they didn't do anything to you.

 

They asked you to stop talking with him, and end a 'friendship' that was creating marital strife.

 

What does it MATTER TO YOU if his marriage is like this?

 

Why so angry?

 

I don't know why I'm so angry. I just feel so completely ****ed over. By both of them. Like I wasn't good enough to even speak with him. She talked down to me like I was trash. I am most angry because I don't understand a coward. I don't understand it. And I'm angry that he didn't even act like a human being. He could've pulled me aside and told me. Instead he LET HIS WIFE BERATE ME. He stood by and let her do that to me. I can't even believe it. I just can't.

[Sub]

K.K., have you ever met his wife? (I'm sorry if I missed this in the thread.)

[spookysonata]

Nobody has heard from the OP?! Maybe she's the one who's snivelling now.

 

 

What happened to all that fire you had?![/]

 

Yea um it's called a JOB. Perhaps if you got one or something you wouldn't have as much time to sit around on a messageboard acting like a douchebag.

 

Funny how this whole thread went down. I tried to tell you that my POINT in this thread was that I was sickened by him being a coward. One minute I'm driving down the road minding my own business. The next some weird psycho

is talking down to me like I'm a piece of **** telling me that I AM NOT ALLOWED to speak to my friend!! My BEST F*CKING FRIEND! AND HE'S STANDING THERE WHIMPERING IN THE BACKGROUND. COWERING FROM HER.

 

It wasn't a secret anything! He called her while we had lunch! She knew who I was! I met her at work one day! There was no secret!

 

The fact that I said I hadn't had a date in 3 years is because I was trying to tell you that THAT is how much I can not connect with another person anymore.

I connected with him. Call it anything you want! I wasn't going to see him outside of work. I respected that he couldn't. So I wanted to go to a yard sale with him. Oh GOD EXECUTE ME.

 

She had NO RIGHT TO CALL ME LIKE THAT. NONE. Nobody owns another person. If she would've acted differently about it I would have completely respected her and backed off the joking. But since SHE CHOSE to act like that I have absolutely NO REGARD for her feelings. NONE.

 

And yes he has a conflict avoidant personality. It's been something about him that I really don't like. But I NEVER thought he would do this to me. HE LOOKS like a fool! He is eating his lunch by himself and will not speak to me and is looking like he feels like the biggest wimp on the planet and he's doing it YES because she wants him to! How does that make her feel as a PERSON. ??????

 

I'd this what MARRIAGE IS? CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER WITH FEAR ! THIS IS ABUSE. THIS IS COMPLETELY ABUSE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HIM.

 

AND WHEN HE gets his balls back if he ever does he is going to REBEL.

 

I am not going to get myself into trouble at work. I see him and I wanna tell him how disgusted I am. But I know he already knows. He's a mess. He doesn't even look like the same person. He looks like a beaten down dog.

 

 

And you wonder why I'm angry???!!

 

Why do you think?? That piece of paper does NOT make you his MASTER.

 

If this is marriage you can HAVE IT.

 

WHOA. OK, let me explain a few things quickly.

 

It is inappropriate to ask your married coworker to take you places socially outside work. It is inappropriate to be his "BEST F*CKING FRIEND!" and exclude his wife from the friendship. You said you were "a family friend"...then you said you "met her at work one day". Those are two very different things.

 

It is especially inappropriate to send and receive flirtatious texts, and it is SUPER inappropriate to encourage his feelings to the point where he tells you if he were single he would be with you. (I'm sure you will retort that you didn't MAKE him say this, and that's true enough. But did you DIScourage it?)

 

I could give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you somehow don't know this. But your rage over his wife's (totally normal and understandable) reaction, shows that you do.

 

If you truly thought this were a totally innocent friendship, you would be mortified at upsetting his wife, and you would understand how your actions with him undermined his marital relationship. I strongly encourage you to step back, drop the defensiveness, and LOOK at your own role in this situation.

[K.K.]

I met her briefly when he first came to work at our job. He had just gotten married and wanted to introduce her and basically himself. We work long hours together. I do hear stories of everyone's families but basically it's just us. We don't have get togethers or parties. He asked me once if she and him invited me for dinner would I come. I said I would. It never panned out.

[spookysonata]

I don't know why I'm so angry. I just feel so completely ****ed over. By both of them. Like I wasn't good enough to even speak with him. She talked down to me like I was trash. I am most angry because I don't understand a coward. I don't understand it. And I'm angry that he didn't even act like a human being. He could've pulled me aside and told me. Instead he LET HIS WIFE BERATE ME. He stood by and let her do that to me. I can't even believe it. I just can't.

 

Dude, she's angry and scared because her husband is having an EA with his coworker. Take your own hurt feelings out of it for a second and look at that.

As for him, he knows he was disrespecting his marriage, and he's showing you that his loyalty is with her.

[Lostinlife4now]

The point is the guy HAS NO BACKBONE. Is this the kind of wimpy cowards out there? Is this the norm? I would NEVER make a

MAN stand there like a

Coward while I acted as his

Mommy. It's disgusting! We were ONLY FRIENDS.

 

 

Hi K.K....... My mother has a neighbor named K K....just love her...But that is neither here nor there...

 

Listen to me...I am Older and wiser....Well in some things anyway.....

 

Just don't waste your time on ANY of this. I once was the OW and let me tell you something....THE WIFE ALWAYS COMES FIRST NO MATTER WHAT! And as she should! Single woman and Married Men should Not be friends. Nope, Nada, No Way! Just one of the lessons I learned in life!

 

Now really, would you want to be friends with a man, that is well what we call it in my neck of the woods....P....whipped?

 

Just keep moving and lay low...this will all blow over....and I have to admit, I feel sorry for the dude! Can you imagine living your life like that? Poor soul!

[K.K.]

 

WHOA. OK, let me explain a few things quickly.

 

It is inappropriate to ask your married coworker to take you places socially outside work. It is inappropriate to be his "BEST F*CKING FRIEND!" and exclude his wife from the friendship. You said you were "a family friend"...then you said you "met her at work one day". Those are two very different things.

 

It is especially inappropriate to send and receive flirtatious texts, and it is SUPER inappropriate to encourage his feelings to the point where he tells you if he were single he would be with you. (I'm sure you will retort that you didn't MAKE him say this, and that's true enough. But did you DIScourage it?)

 

I could give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you somehow don't know this. But your rage over his wife's (totally normal and understandable) reaction, shows that you do.

 

If you truly thought this were a totally innocent friendship, you would be mortified at upsetting his wife, and you would understand how your actions with him undermined his marital relationship. I strongly encourage you to step back, drop the defensiveness, and LOOK at your own role in

 

When the **** did I say I was a family friend?!!

[letmoc]

I think that you care about him very much, maybe you are even in love with him, and I am sorry you are hurting. But I think this may be for the best because you need to find a relationship of your own. Be mad at her all you want but he is her husband and her bestfriend not yours.

[K.K.]

Dude, she's angry and scared because her husband is having an EA with his coworker. Take your own hurt feelings out of it for a second and look at that.

As for him, he knows he was disrespecting his marriage, and he's showing you that his loyalty is with her.

 

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

[K.K.]

Gotdamnit this HURTTTSSS IT HURTSS !! He couldn't even treat me like a human being!! It hurts!!!!

[spookysonata]

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

 

Errr.....okay. I'm starting to think this is trolling. Good luck with everything.

[sweet_pea]

Yes, I'm curious as to what you would've liked to happen in regards to this situation? How would you have liked for this to play out?

[K.K.]

Tell me... Which part makes me a troll. The fact that I'm hurting or the fact that my hurting offends you and makes you uncomfortable. Smh

[Sub]

I think you were operating from a position of weakness, given your previous relationship. That said, it doesn't take much to realize that this wasn't your garden variety friendship. Honestly, this man was your "best f***ing friend" for the past three years, yet you've only met the most important person in his life once, very briefly at the beginning of that three years. Do you have any good female friends? What's their take?

[Zahara]

Gotdamnit this HURTTTSSS IT HURTSS !! He couldn't even treat me like a human being!! It hurts!!!!

 

I understand it hurts but you have to understand that he's doing damage control and that means behaving in a way that protects him and his marriage from everything and anything. If that means pretending you never existed, then he is going to do that. I don't think he means to treat you like you're not a human being but it is most likely he is quivering with fear and feels like this is the only way he knows how to deal with the wrath of his wife.

 

You're not the first woman to get cast aside after MM gets caught. Most times you either get thrown under the bus or you get shut out. It's happy and rosy when they're sneaking around but the moment they're caught, you will see what that "friendship" really meant.