His wife called me and told me I was NOT going to speak to her husband again!

[K.K.]

I would have liked not to been called by a stranger and told what I was and was not going to do. I would have preferred her husband (my friend) (not a

Stranger) to have pulled me aside and told me. HE IS THE ONE that sent the message to her meant for me. But instead he cowers at her feet and I am the one UNFAIRLY wearing some kind of scarlet letter

On my forehead.

[K.K.]

Ive never been through this before. I don't understand any of it. I didn't expect it to hurt like this. I can't stand admitting that he didn't care about my welfare or my feelings when she gutted me. But he didn't. And he doesn't. And I'm stupid. And I get it now. I get it. I'm done.

[Zahara]

But instead he cowers at her feet and I am the one UNFAIRLY wearing some kind of scarlet letter

On my forehead.

 

That is what happens when you entangle yourself with a married guy. You open yourself to that sort of labeling when it all goes bust. She's going to beat his ass behind closed doors or make his life a living hell, and you will have to go through your own set of repercussions.

[Fluttershy]

I would have liked not to been called by a stranger and told what I was and was not going to do. I would have preferred her husband (my friend) (not a

Stranger) to have pulled me aside and told me. HE IS THE ONE that sent the message to her meant for me. But instead he cowers at her feet and I am the one UNFAIRLY wearing some kind of scarlet letter

On my forehead.

 

I think you don't really have empathy for other people in this. You want to be mad and throw a hissy fit. Your feeding the negativity inside of yourself.

 

For this much angst, I would say you are in love with him. You are beyon irrational and in deep pain. Can you take a few days off? Get yourself some space.

 

I also highly encourage you to seek IC. You need to Let this guy and you need someone iRL to listen to you.

[Zahara]

And OP, what does it matter that his wife is adorning you with the scarlet letter. If you say this guy for three years has been your lunch partner and that you both were inseperable at work, I am sure people at work were suspect to what was going on. What does it matter what his wife thinks of you if you didn't care about the people around you at work.

[Sub]

I can understand your anger towards him. Definitely. I don't think you deserve a scarlet letter. As another poster said, though, I do think you need to re-consider boundaries in situations like this. That's the one thing I would say can be left at your feet. And maybe that's part of why his wife is angry. You just referred to her as a "stranger". Your best friends wife is a stranger to you. So imagine what you are to her then. If anything, I'd be angry at your friend for not getting the two of you together at some point over the past three years.

[Owl]

Once she believed that he was acting inappropriately with you...her first requirment would have been for NC (non contact) between the two of you...which is what she did.

 

She would NOT have likely asked him to politely pull you to one side to discuss the situation.

 

She already views the interaction between the two of you as toxic to their marriage...so she's not going to do anything to let that situation continue. So, she's going to reach out to you directly, herself. Which she did.

 

Granted, she wasn't very respectful about it. But think about this for a minute...she is under the belief that the two of you have been having an inappropriate relationship behind her back...how respectful do you think she should have been in that case? How respectful would YOU be in her shoes?

 

Your best bet for yourself at this point is to step back...realize that what's going on in their marriage, in her life, in his life...all of it is simply none of your business. And do the right thing for them, and for yourself...remove yourself from the situation.

[serial muse]

I'm getting a strong vibe that this isn't the first time this guy has crossed a line.

 

I mean, he says his life is "destroyed" now? Because she doesn't want him to have lunch with you anymore? That's his life, destroyed? Seems a bit melodramatic for just that.

 

There's waaay more backstory there than just this most recent emotional affair, I'd wager. Honestly, OP, you're better off out of it anyway.

 

I do think it's an opportunity for you to reset - you yourself admit that you're emotionally damaged and it's prevented you from finding a healthy relationship. You had this one where you two used each other, but you pushed for it to be more and weren't getting that. It sounds like it was doomed from the start - not really a friendship, and not a relationship. Too much built-in drama.

 

You're free now. Enjoy the freedom.

[spookysonata]

I would have liked not to been called by a stranger and told what I was and was not going to do. I would have preferred her husband (my friend) (not a

Stranger) to have pulled me aside and told me. HE IS THE ONE that sent the message to her meant for me. But instead he cowers at her feet and I am the one UNFAIRLY wearing some kind of scarlet letter

On my forehead.

 

Do you hear yourself? HE is your best friend? So why is HIS WIFE a stranger? Why did you make no effort to befriend her too? This is why she's upset...YOU are the stranger monopolizing her husbands time, attention, and affection.

 

Your complete inability to focus on anything but your own hurt, plus your histrionics, led me to suspect you're a troll. If you're for real, take the advice you're being offered.

[ladydesigner]

I feel like the BS is being blamed for making her husband go no contact, which when an A happens emotional, physical or both that is usually the protocol. When you have an A with someone else's husband you open the gates for any berating I feel, so I am not surprised by the wife's reaction. Not many MM standup for their OW when Dday arrives. Most MM are cowards that's why they choose A's instead of confronting issues within the M or get a D. I understand how upsetting the situation is for you though, but I feel your anger should be placed at the MM's feet and for allowing your own boundaries to blur.

[MissBee]

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

 

Because he's a wimp...it's been established.

 

This man has his own problems and unfortunately your feelings simply didn't take precedence for him.

 

It seems like you're also expressing frustration at a pattern where you've been involved with people whom you've emotionally invested in and who you think care for you but then you find out your feelings don't matter to them....I'm really sorry for that. But at this point you have to now ask yourself how come you always end up in these imbalanced relationships where you are devalued....part of the answer lies with some reason you need to work through that keeps you expecting love and care and respect from people who cannot give it....this MM is just one of these people.

[Koopa]

I think its important to know what was in the text which seems to be catalyst in this reaction.

[FoolishOW]

Man sends flirty text to wife meant for another woman. Wife puts the hammer down. Man complies like the good husband he is.

 

A round of applause for the wife.

 

 

I can see that many are in agreement with how you've succinctly described this situation (around 12 I think), and on one hand I say to myself, "If this is how folks seem to view marriage, so be it, why should I care that so many think this scenario sounds worthy of a round of applause for the wife? No skin off my back, right?" But unfortunately, the other part of me, the part that does the typing says, "Really? This looks reasonable to you guys? The way this situation between the married couple played out seems acceptable? or applause worthy?

 

 

Take KK out of the scenario for a moment. (And yes, I know, some of you will be completely unable to do this... even hypothetically.) But if you need or want to know why "wives" (I am one, btw) are sometimes described in terms that have little to do with "classy" or "respected" or "reasonable"... your prime example is HERE in this post. If you expect people to have respect for your marriage , and understand the quality of the bond that ties you together, and understand that you are indeed a united front to be reckoned with, THIS is NOT how you go about creating that view, or god forbid, strengthening what you actually do have together.

 

 

Regardless of how upset or concerned you are with your husbands behavior, if you can't get that under control, privately, between the two of you, to the point where HE then ends the relationship that's the actual cause of the threat (be it real or assumed), then the issues are far deeper than what's being discussed here. How do you look at a man with even an iota of respect that you've virtually emasculated by yelling at another woman as he stands there (classy btw), and then hang up the phone feeling as if, "That takes care of that?" Sorry, that behavior is beyond juvenile and doesn't garner respect from anyone. Yes, he's in the wrong! and Yes, she should want to protect her marriage, but if THIS is the way it's done these days, and it deserves a round of applause??? then you leave me wondering... what kind of "men", and what kind of "woman" do these two married people represent? None I would ever hope to know. You want your marriage respected? Try presenting it (at least to the public, for God's sake) in a manner that shows you actually respect it yourself!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think it's safe to assume that she also asked to see other correspondence between the two of you.

[KaliLove]

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

 

Your feelings do matter. To you. To your friends. To your family. Who they don't matter to is his wife, who has just discovered that her husband has been emotionally cheating on her with a single woman from work. You cannot expect his wife to give a damn about you, and he is showing both of you (voluntarily, as he could easily have found other ways to communicate with you in this age of technology) where you stand. His wife comes first to him. He doesn't want to leave his marriage. She told him what she wanted in order to salvage it, and he is complying. That's all. It's not personal.

[ladydesigner]

I can see that many are in agreement with how you've succinctly described this situation (around 12 I think), and on one hand I say to myself, "If this is how folks seem to view marriage, so be it, why should I care that so many think this scenario sounds worthy of a round of applause for the wife? No skin off my back, right?" But unfortunately, the other part of me, the part that does the typing says, "Really? This looks reasonable to you guys? The way this situation between the married couple played out seems acceptable? or applause worthy?

 

 

Take KK out of the scenario for a moment. (And yes, I know, some of you will be completely unable to do this... even hypothetically.) But if you need or want to know why "wives" (I am one, btw) are sometimes described in terms that have little to do with "classy" or "respected" or "reasonable"... your prime example is HERE in this post. If you expect people to have respect for your marriage , and understand the quality of the bond that ties you together, and understand that you are indeed a united front to be reckoned with, THIS is NOT how you go about creating that view, or god forbid, strengthening what you actually do have together.

 

 

Regardless of how upset or concerned you are with your husbands behavior, if you can't get that under control, privately, between the two of you, to the point where HE then ends the relationship that's the actual cause of the threat (be it real or assumed), then the issues are far deeper than what's being discussed here. How do you look at a man with even an iota of respect that you've virtually emasculated by yelling at another woman as he stands there (classy btw), and then hang up the phone feeling as if, "That takes care of that?" Sorry, that behavior is beyond juvenile and doesn't garner respect from anyone. Yes, he's in the wrong! and Yes, she should want to protect her marriage, but if THIS is the way it's done these days, and it deserves a round of applause??? then you leave me wondering... what kind of "men", and what kind of "woman" do these two married people represent? None I would ever hope to know. You want your marriage respected? Try presenting it (at least to the public, for God's sake) in a manner that shows you actually respect it yourself!

 

Maybe this isn't the first time the wife has experienced this sort of thing. I mean someone needs to layout the boundaries. If my WH did not comply with my requests our M was OVER and guess what he jumped through hoops for me and continually threw MOW under the bus. Sometimes the WH can drive a BS to insanity. How do you know enough about this M to establish that the wife's reaction is juvenile. I would say most of the time BS react in anger on DDay is NORMAL. Juvenile is how a MM acts on Dday that's who I would consider juvenile. I disagree completely!

[Raena]

I can see that many are in agreement with how you've succinctly described this situation (around 12 I think), and on one hand I say to myself, "If this is how folks seem to view marriage, so be it, why should I care that so many think this scenario sounds worthy of a round of applause for the wife? No skin off my back, right?" But unfortunately, the other part of me, the part that does the typing says, "Really? This looks reasonable to you guys? The way this situation between the married couple played out seems acceptable? or applause worthy?

 

 

Take KK out of the scenario for a moment. (And yes, I know, some of you will be completely unable to do this... even hypothetically.) But if you need or want to know why "wives" (I am one, btw) are sometimes described in terms that have little to do with "classy" or "respected" or "reasonable"... your prime example is HERE in this post. If you expect people to have respect for your marriage , and understand the quality of the bond that ties you together, and understand that you are indeed a united front to be reckoned with, THIS is NOT how you go about creating that view, or god forbid, strengthening what you actually do have together.

 

 

Regardless of how upset or concerned you are with your husbands behavior, if you can't get that under control, privately, between the two of you, to the point where HE then ends the relationship that's the actual cause of the threat (be it real or assumed), then the issues are far deeper than what's being discussed here. How do you look at a man with even an iota of respect that you've virtually emasculated by yelling at another woman as he stands there (classy btw), and then hang up the phone feeling as if, "That takes care of that?" Sorry, that behavior is beyond juvenile and doesn't garner respect from anyone. Yes, he's in the wrong! and Yes, she should want to protect her marriage, but if THIS is the way it's done these days, and it deserves a round of applause??? then you leave me wondering... what kind of "men", and what kind of "woman" do these two married people represent? None I would ever hope to know. You want your marriage respected? Try presenting it (at least to the public, for God's sake) in a manner that shows you actually respect it yourself!

 

See bolded... wouldn't this ALSO apply to the husband? Really? He behaved in an inappropriate manner, in a public way, shaming his wife in front of every co-worker he works with by twittering away his time flirting with another female for THREE YEARS and you are busy harping on the way the wife responded to it? His behavior was a public embarrassment, why should the wife keep it all hush hush and expect him to deal with it? She felt like she needed to make her feelings on the situation known to the OP and she did exactly that.

 

Had he chosen to respect his marriage and his wife, none of this would have happened at all.

[chelsea2011]

Responding to the title. Consider his wife's demand a blessing. Now you're free to begin looking at why you depend on him so much for emotional support and you can begin developing normal attachments with people who are free and clear to emotionally support you in a healthy way.

[RoseMadder]

I think the key word you've used in this is abuse, you were in an abusive relationship and you're projecting that onto them. When you heard him crying and whimpering down the phone it most likely triggered memories (consciously or unconsciously) of your own abuse causing your ferocious anger towards both of them. You're angry at her because you see her as an "abuser" and you blame him for taking it. You're projecting your self hate for "allowing" yourself to be abused onto him, eg. he's a coward, wimp, pathetic etc... All things I'm sure you've felt about yourself because victims usually (wrongly) blame themselves. Get some help. Seriously. The anger you have towards your friend and his wife is completely disproportionate to what they've actually done, the utter distress you're showing is not a normal reaction to a regular workplace friendship falling apart. I don't think you're being honest with anyone, least of all yourself, about just how much he meant to you.

[Quiet Storm]

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

 

Because at that moment in time, you switched from being a benefit in his life to a liability. You are no longer a friend, you are a threat to the life he wants. He obviously values his marriage more than your friendship. A marriage should be protected and respected. To continue a friendship would be putting his marriage at risk, and disrespecting his wifes feelings.

 

You see it as cowardly as if he wants to talk you, but his mean wife won't let him. It's possible that he truly realizes that he put his marriage at risk and your feelings don't matter to him. And that he's not afraid to talk to you, but just doesn't want to. He probably just wants to detach and keep this as drama free as possible.

 

I think you should try to find other friends to connect with. Married guys aren't good friends, because they are not dependable. Your relationship will always be contingent on the wife's approval or obliviousness.

 

Be introspective, why are you so emotionally attached to him? Why the anger? Your feelings are not his responsibility. He was inconsiderate and turned out to not be a true friend to you. Take it as a lesson learned, move forward, make new friends. This world has plenty of inconsiderate people that will not always value your feelings. It's an unfortunate reality. It's best not to waste your time on them, and just make better choices in the people you emotionally invest in.

[whichwayisup]

telling me that I AM NOT ALLOWED to speak to my friend!! My BEST F*CKING FRIEND!

 

If you two were best friends you'd know his wife and be spending time with both of them. He may be your best friend, but he isn't yours.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck and are able to move on and detach from him. The emotional reaction that you've had from this just shows how attached you are to him.

 

Don't become 'besties' with another woman's husband. It just isn't right. One day you will understand this when you're married. You won't want your H to be so emotionally involved and attached to another woman. I get that right now you probably don't see this because you've lost a friendship and can't be objective.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why I'm so angry. I just feel so completely ****ed over. By both of them. Like I wasn't good enough to even speak with him. She talked down to me like I was trash. I am most angry because I don't understand a coward. I don't understand it. And I'm angry that he didn't even act like a human being. He could've pulled me aside and told me. Instead he LET HIS WIFE BERATE ME. He stood by and let her do that to me. I can't even believe it. I just can't.

 

I think you don't realize how much you feel for him and maybe losing him this way has jolted a reaction you weren't expecting. You do feel something more for him than just platonic friendship, if you didn't you wouldn't be so emotional, upset and angry right now.

 

You have to keep in mind that he isn't obligated to you, he is to his wife and that's why he is going to do as she asked.

 

You're better off without him. Focus on your women friends and family.

[whichwayisup]

Why do my feelings never count?!! Why didn't he pull me aside and treat me like a human being?!! Why!! Why!! Why!!

 

Gotdamnit this HURTTTSSS IT HURTSS !! He couldn't even treat me like a human being!! It hurts!!!!

 

Ive never been through this before. I don't understand any of it. I didn't expect it to hurt like this. I can't stand admitting that he didn't care about my welfare or my feelings when she gutted me. But he didn't. And he doesn't. And I'm stupid. And I get it now. I get it. I'm done.

 

K.K, you're in love. This crept up on you. Maybe you didn't realize how deep you felt for him until now. And you're not stupid, maybe naive though. I say that respectfully. Learn from this and don't let yourself be so vulnerable to married men.

 

Cry it out and grieve the loss but please remember his wife comes first before you, this is why he's acted the way he has. As I said in my first reply to you, everybody has reacted and handled it badly - But it is what it is - Can't change what has happened.

[jbelle6]

1 Cheating does not begin with a penis entering a vagina, the intent is there well before.

2 Would he send said flirty texts to a male friend?

3 If you were really his friend he would have had you over for a BBQ to meet his family in the past 3 years no?

4 Most of our hours are spend at work, free time is precious, you don't ask a married man to take time from his family to take your ass yard saleing.

5 Would he tell a male friend that he would so get with him if he was single?

6 Would you both be comfortable with his wife seeing all of your online and verbal exchanges?

7 If you are just friends why didn't you post this on the "friends" board?

 

If you are doing something that you KNOW would hurt your partner in secret, boundaries are being crossed, when he was caught he knew this so what could he really say to the wife, cause if I received that message meant for you in my inbox and forbid him from continuing this crap with you and he stuck up for YOU, that phone would have been up his ass.

[jbelle6]

I think it is ridiculous. She has the right to feel whatever she wants but I have the right to think it's over the top. I am not that insecure in that I would be upset by something so small. And if I was that upset I wouldn't try to whip someone into submission by calling people and trying to boss them around. She had no right to contact the OP imo, she does not own her husband and he has free will. She could leave him if she is that upset. But to be an adult and expect to force another adult into some kind of weird isolation because of your own insecurities just isn't my thing. I did not read the whole thread just offered my quick opinion to the OP.

 

I have had relationships my whole life and I just don't get jealous. If someone is going to leave me they will do it no matter what I do anyway because I cannot control other human beings that's a fact. I just make my decisions as I go based on what I know but no I never try to force other adults into doing anything other than what they want to do and I deal with it or I get out. In this case she already had the husband crying why did she feel the need to tell OP to stop talking to him? Did she not believe or trust that her husband would stop as he said he would? If so she is in a terrible relationship imo.

 

 

 

We'll see you put your money where your mouth is when you are married and have kids with someone and your finances are tied together. You would probably have sacrificed your career to some extent and maybe your body to deliver and raise someones children. You ever been divorced? I have. If you have only dated then you are sooooo ignorant to the risk her man leaving could be to this woman. These are also some of the reasons men will 99.9 percent choose their wives over the fling.

 

Get off the jealousy crap while you are at it, I have no problem playing with/sharing other partners when I am with a partner I trust, but crap behind my back for years? Grow up and quit trying to feel superior to this woman because he chose HER.

Edited May 13, 2014 by jbelle6