His wife called me and told me I was NOT going to speak to her husband again!

[jbelle6]

Nobody has heard from the OP?! Maybe she's the one who's snivelling now.

 

 

What happened to all that fire you had?![/]

 

Yea um it's called a JOB. Perhaps if you got one or something you wouldn't have as much time to sit around on a messageboard acting like a douchebag.

 

Funny how this whole thread went down. I tried to tell you that my POINT in this thread was that I was sickened by him being a coward. One minute I'm driving down the road minding my own business. The next some weird psycho

is talking down to me like I'm a piece of **** telling me that I AM NOT ALLOWED to speak to my friend!! My BEST F*CKING FRIEND! AND HE'S STANDING THERE WHIMPERING IN THE BACKGROUND. COWERING FROM HER.

 

It wasn't a secret anything! He called her while we had lunch! She knew who I was! I met her at work one day! There was no secret!

 

The fact that I said I hadn't had a date in 3 years is because I was trying to tell you that THAT is how much I can not connect with another person anymore.

I connected with him. Call it anything you want! I wasn't going to see him outside of work. I respected that he couldn't. So I wanted to go to a yard sale with him. Oh GOD EXECUTE ME.

 

She had NO RIGHT TO CALL ME LIKE THAT. NONE. Nobody owns another person. If she would've acted differently about it I would have completely respected her and backed off the joking. But since SHE CHOSE to act like that I have absolutely NO REGARD for her feelings. NONE.

 

And yes he has a conflict avoidant personality. It's been something about him that I really don't like. But I NEVER thought he would do this to me. HE LOOKS like a fool! He is eating his lunch by himself and will not speak to me and is looking like he feels like the biggest wimp on the planet and he's doing it YES because she wants him to! How does that make her feel as a PERSON. ??????

 

I'd this what MARRIAGE IS? CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER WITH FEAR ! THIS IS ABUSE. THIS IS COMPLETELY ABUSE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HIM.

 

AND WHEN HE gets his balls back if he ever does he is going to REBEL.

 

I am not going to get myself into trouble at work. I see him and I wanna tell him how disgusted I am. But I know he already knows. He's a mess. He doesn't even look like the same person. He looks like a beaten down dog.

 

 

And you wonder why I'm angry???!!

 

Why do you think?? That piece of paper does NOT make you his MASTER.

 

If this is marriage you can HAVE IT.

 

 

When I have a connection with a platonic friend I do not compare it in any way to a romantic connection. I would not say of my best friend Lori, wow, I really connected with her and I have not had a date in 3 years. Do you not get it at all? Daft. And don't front, you never had nor ever will have regard for anyone's feelings but your own regardless of how they go about it if it doesn't suit you. This whole thread is about you and your hardship. Suck it up buttercup and make some new friends.

Edited May 13, 2014 by jbelle6

[cocorico]

I can see that many are in agreement with how you've succinctly described this situation (around 12 I think), and on one hand I say to myself, "If this is how folks seem to view marriage, so be it, why should I care that so many think this scenario sounds worthy of a round of applause for the wife? No skin off my back, right?" But unfortunately, the other part of me, the part that does the typing says, "Really? This looks reasonable to you guys? The way this situation between the married couple played out seems acceptable? or applause worthy?

 

 

Take KK out of the scenario for a moment. (And yes, I know, some of you will be completely unable to do this... even hypothetically.) But if you need or want to know why "wives" (I am one, btw) are sometimes described in terms that have little to do with "classy" or "respected" or "reasonable"... your prime example is HERE in this post. If you expect people to have respect for your marriage , and understand the quality of the bond that ties you together, and understand that you are indeed a united front to be reckoned with, THIS is NOT how you go about creating that view, or god forbid, strengthening what you actually do have together.

 

 

Regardless of how upset or concerned you are with your husbands behavior, if you can't get that under control, privately, between the two of you, to the point where HE then ends the relationship that's the actual cause of the threat (be it real or assumed), then the issues are far deeper than what's being discussed here. How do you look at a man with even an iota of respect that you've virtually emasculated by yelling at another woman as he stands there (classy btw), and then hang up the phone feeling as if, "That takes care of that?" Sorry, that behavior is beyond juvenile and doesn't garner respect from anyone. Yes, he's in the wrong! and Yes, she should want to protect her marriage, but if THIS is the way it's done these days, and it deserves a round of applause??? then you leave me wondering... what kind of "men", and what kind of "woman" do these two married people represent? None I would ever hope to know. You want your marriage respected? Try presenting it (at least to the public, for God's sake) in a manner that shows you actually respect it yourself!

 

Well said!

 

If a M is so fragile that it cannot withstand any "temptation" / pressure from the outside, then frankly it is not much of a R at all, IMO. It's like surrounding your bank vaults with egg boxes instead of reinforced concrete, and then having a tantrum when a kid with a stick pokes a hole through them. If you want a strong M, strengthen it from the inside. Throwing hissy fits at any outside you perceive in your insecurity to be a threat does not protect your M - it's weakens it, because it undermines the ability of one party (the H, in this case) to draw his own boundaries where he sees fit, it undermines the other party's ability to respect those - and thus him, and reduces the M from being a partnership between adults to a parent-child R where one party has to police the other (and all of the other's external Rs).

 

I understand that for some, that's what M is, but for me, that's not a M worth having! If I ever saw fit to border patrol my H's friendships, my M would be over! I respect my H, myself and our R far too much to venture down that route.

[cocorico]

Maybe this isn't the first time the wife has experienced this sort of thing.!

 

That makes it even worse, IMO. In that case she *definitely* does not have a M, just a sham. She needs to face the problems in her R with her M - if she can still be said to have a M - and if he is a "repeat offender" she has to choice of accepting it or moving on. Screaming at the rain because you wanted sunshine won't change the weather, it will just make the neighbours think you're mad. If you don't like the climate, move. She has the choice, but it seems she'd rather "control" her H by trying to control other people, than admit the limits of her control and do something about the one thing she does have control over - herself, and what she's prepared to accept.

[AjisenHi]

That makes it even worse, IMO. In that case she *definitely* does not have a M, just a sham. She needs to face the problems in her R with her M - if she can still be said to have a M - and if he is a "repeat offender" she has to choice of accepting it or moving on. Screaming at the rain because you wanted sunshine won't change the weather, it will just make the neighbours think you're mad. If you don't like the climate, move. She has the choice, but it seems she'd rather "control" her H by trying to control other people, than admit the limits of her control and do something about the one thing she does have control over - herself, and what she's prepared to accept.

 

What the BS is, needs or does or omits or thinks she has (a M or a sham) is not relevant here.

 

Why? Because her H is accepting of her behaviour and THEIR M. They may have a rotten M, they may just be going through a rough patch we don't know. What we do know is, she wants OP out of her H's life and however she chose to achieve this end it worked!

 

Dissecting the BS's character and M and disparaging it does not change the fact that this man has made his choice. He didn't choose OP's "sunshine" he stayed in the "rain" of his M. It's not OP's job to provide an umbrella either.

 

OP needs to move on and find some sunshine of her own, staying angry and in the "rain" of his M will only get her drenched.

[cocorico]

What we do know is, she wants OP out of her H's life and however she chose to achieve this end it worked!

 

Who knows? It may seem to have worked, for KK, for now. It hasn't worked for all the other friends KK's friend will go on to make, and get close to, in future. KK's friend will just learn to be really careful about what texts he sends the insecure W.

 

And KK and her friend may yet get beyond this. Once the dust settles, he may go and apologise to KK for the insecure W's behaviour, and chat to her about how unhappy he feels in his M, getting even closer than before. Only this time, they have a common "foe" in the W, and she'll be cast as the big baddy, and perhaps talk will circulate at work about how mean she is, and she'll get frozen out by all of his colleagues, and become even more insecure, causing him to retreat even further from her and bond even more closely with KK or others.

 

It's really a very hollow, short term "victory", if it can be termed a victory at all. It may at best have won a minor skirmish, but it can never win a war.

[Catwoman13]

I'm putting this in this forum because that sure what it feels like now.

 

I have not had a date in 3 years. It's not because I couldn't get one.

It's because after my breakup with an abusive ass, I am damaged.

 

The only person I've spoken to, who knows me inside and out (almost)

is a guy I work with who is married. 3 years sitting at the lunch table

has made us inseparable at work. I have never seen him outside

Of work. I've tried to get him to take me to yard sales and various

Things we both find interesting but he says his wife won't allow it. Um ok.

 

Anyway, I thought we were as close as two people could get without being

Lovers. Boy was I wrong.

 

We both have a very sick sense of humor. He gets me.

You know how refreshing that is? To have somebody get you?

He tells me all the time how if he wasn't married he would love to be

With me. I laugh it off. He tells me I'm perfect and awesome

And I admit... I ate it up.

 

I always knew he didn't have the strongest backbone

But I tried to overlook it because of his good points. He's polite

Nice, funny, thoughtful etc.

 

Anyway long story short- last week he sent his wife a

Flirtatious stupid message that he meant for me. It was just dumb

Corny crap. The next thing I know she's on the phone screaming

And yelling at him and he's CRYING.

 

I say omg are you serious.

 

He quits speaking to me right then and there.

 

The next day I get a call from his number and it's his

WIFE and in a Julia Childs voice she tells me that I am

not ALLOWED to talk to her husband again.

 

I say "lady we work together. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

 

She says "you will NOT speak to him"

 

So I say "ill speak to him any damn time I want to!!

 

She says "this is what he wants. "

 

I say "let him tell me that then. "

 

So then she puts it on speakerphone and I hear him

Whimpering in the background. Muttering something.

 

So I finally get fed up and can't even believe this situation. So I say yea

Whatever BYYYEEE

 

So I was angry the whole weekend. Monday came and he wouldn't even look at me. I said how could you do that to me?? He said his life was "destroyed".

 

Over a text message?? Dude you know what a destroyed life is are you serious??

 

So now he eats his lunch and goes to break in his car that's probably 100 degrees just so he doesn't have to be near me.

 

I got no apologies. I got nothing. I lost a friend of 3 years. Over a text message.

 

The worst part is the disgust that I feel for him being a coward.

 

He's jumping through hoops for her now. But when it hits him

Just how much he lost by treating me like I'm some kind of home wrecking slut

I hope it hurts. I hope it hurts bad.

 

I did NOT deserve this. He sat there by the phone while she

Berated me. And told me what I WAS NOT GOING TO DO.

 

YEA OK SHE WAS JEALOUS I GET IT.

 

But this HURTS. Does she think she can just control him

For the rest of his cowardly life?? If so they deserve each other.

 

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to even go about my work day KNOWING that this guy did this to me. He was my friend! I trusted him!

 

It was a FLIRTY text. If it was your husband, I don't think you'd be best pleased to have your hubby carry on talking to this h* who is "inseparable" from him either. Get real - he's taken, move on. You should never have let this become a "close friendship" in the first place, because of that. I'm not surprised she's mad at you. Did you ever make an effort to know her, his WIFE?? No, you treated him like he was single, and like she didn't exist. Oh - because you never "kissed" him you think that was acknowledging his situation?? Please!!

 

It's too bad this hurts but you know what - move on, like you should have done to begin with, and find attention from people who are ideally not at work and who are single. You'll get over it. Is he leaving his wife? No. Know why? Because she comes first. Not some "friend".

[Catwoman13]

 

WHOA. OK, let me explain a few things quickly.

 

It is inappropriate to ask your married coworker to take you places socially outside work. It is inappropriate to be his "BEST F*CKING FRIEND!" and exclude his wife from the friendship. You said you were "a family friend"...then you said you "met her at work one day". Those are two very different things.

 

It is especially inappropriate to send and receive flirtatious texts, and it is SUPER inappropriate to encourage his feelings to the point where he tells you if he were single he would be with you. (I'm sure you will retort that you didn't MAKE him say this, and that's true enough. But did you DIScourage it?)

 

I could give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you somehow don't know this. But your rage over his wife's (totally normal and understandable) reaction, shows that you do.

 

If you truly thought this were a totally innocent friendship, you would be mortified at upsetting his wife, and you would understand how your actions with him undermined his marital relationship. I strongly encourage you to step back, drop the defensiveness, and LOOK at your own role in

 

When the **** did I say I was a family friend?!!

 

It is wilfully ignorant to not understand that when you are a friend of someone who is married, that automatically should mean you become a friend or at least acquaintance of the family's /wife/husband's too. That is what naturally happens. You were not his best friend. That is his wife's role. Duh.

[darkmoon]

I feel sad for KK

 

 

she needs to find new friends, try meetup on-line, if he ever divorces it will be KK he thinks of, so KK, let what happened be a dress-rehearsal, but not a funeral

 

 

get out more meanwhile, he might not like seeing you dolled up but not for him, getting dolled up is good for the inner person, fun and uplifting, and you never know who might want to marry you you might yet marry the boss of the company

Edited May 13, 2014 by darkmoon

[cocorico]

I find it interesting that this entire scenario that you have concocted puts all of the blame of possible future cheating husband directly on the wife's shoulders rather than where it belongs... on the husband. If he isn't happy with the way his wife is treating him (because he chose to sneak around having an inappropriate relationship with a female coworker), then he needs to address that. Not go using it as an excuse to cheat in the future. What this wife did in this situation is a perfectly normal reaction to finding out about this situation. It was inappropriate to have that type of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. It's scenario's like this that make zero sense to me. It smacks of "blame the BS" when the blame should be placed right where it belongs... on the husband who behaved badly.

 

Placing blame on the wife for being upset and marking the boundaries of her marriage very CLEARLY for the OP in this situation is ludicrous. She did what her husband should have done in the first place.

 

Wrong.

 

If you read the post in the context of the post it quoted, you will not that it was a direct response to another post which claimed that the insecure W's actions had attained a good outcome. I merely pointed out that any outcome achieved by the insecure W's actions could be thought of as "good" (in the sense of, achieving what the insecure W hoped they would achieve) in the shortest term only, and that longer term their impact would likely backfire and achieve the exact opposite of what the insecure W hoped to achieve.

 

It was not a comment on "assigning blame for cheating" on either party - in large part because I don't believe any cheating has taken place.

[spookysonata]

Wrong.

 

If you read the post in the context of the post it quoted, you will not that it was a direct response to another post which claimed that the insecure W's actions had attained a good outcome. I merely pointed out that any outcome achieved by the insecure W's actions could be thought of as "good" (in the sense of, achieving what the insecure W hoped they would achieve) in the shortest term only, and that longer term their impact would likely backfire and achieve the exact opposite of what the insecure W hoped to achieve.

 

It was not a comment on "assigning blame for cheating" on either party - in large part because I don't believe any cheating has taken place.

 

You don't believe any cheating has taken place...but you referred to "the insecure W" three times, like it was her name. You absolutely blame her for what happened. Your disdain for wives in general and support for affair relationships comes through loud and clear.

 

I think everybody read you just fine.

[cocorico]

I feel sad for KK

 

 

she needs to find new friends, try meetup on-line, if he ever divorces it will be KK he thinks of, so KK, let what happened be a dress-rehearsal, but not a funeral

 

 

get out more meanwhile, he might not like seeing you dolled up but not for him, getting dolled up is good for the inner person, fun and uplifting, and you never know who might want to marry you you might yet marry the boss of the company

 

This makes no sense at all.

 

It also smacks of childish "tit-for-tat" mentality - your friend hurt you (by allowing his hysterical W to throw a tantrum at you) so you should try to hurt him by dressing up "but not for him". Surely no one older than 10 actually thinks like that? Incredible.

 

And how is "getting dolled up" "good for the inner person"? If your self-esteem is so fragile that it only feels good when you hide your face behind a mask, that's saying a lot.

 

And what does it matter "who might want to marry you" - surely who *you* might want to be with matters far much more? And, of course, the irony of holding out M as some kind of grand prize on a thread where it's been shown to be a hollow, fragile she'll that requires every other opposite sex person on the planet to refuse to befriend a spouse lest the other spouse feel threatened... Well, that's self evident to anyone with a basic level of reading comprehension.

[cocorico]

You don't believe any cheating has taken place...but you referred to "the insecure W" three times, like it was her name. You absolutely blame her for what happened. Your disdain for wives in general and support for affair relationships comes through loud and clear.

 

I think everybody read you just fine.

 

Of course I "blame her" for what happened, ie her phoning KK and throwing a tantrum. Who else is to "blame" for her behaviour - the puppet master pulling her strings? She is responsible for her own actions, just like everyone else on the planet.

 

You're wrong about "disdain for Ws in general" though. Some of my closest friends are Ws, and I am one myself. However, I don't feel that being a W qualifies you for beatification or bestows a Get Out Of Jail Free card on anyone. I judge Ws, like I judge anyone else, according to their behaviour. And phoning a stranger and throwing a tantrum because you feel your fragile R is threatened is behaviour I judge as insecure, yes.

[gettingstronger]

OK- so I understand your anger- you feel betrayed by a friend-but relationships are complicated and when you are involved with someone that is involved with someone else that only amplifies it-

Again, try to control this hurt and anger at work-and in the future weed your garden of insecure MM or really insecure people period-they tend to suck the life right out of you and complicate your life- I think we all can complicate our lives on our own without being drawn in to others-

Good luck-

[GreySkyMorning]

I have to wonder how much certain poster's personal relationship histories are playing into their responses to this situation.

 

A three year secret "friendship" that he couldn't share with his wife, including flirty texts, is an emotional affair at a minimum.

 

I think the wife reacted in the best way that she knew how. When I found out my xH was having an emotional affair, I reacted the same way. I came home from work one morning, sat down at the computer and his "friend" popped up on the chat he forgot to close. She thought I was him. It wasn't pretty. I never got the full story on that one and considering we've been divorced for 12 years now, I never will. But I can still remember that feeling and that outrage like it was yesterday. Finding out about his PA years later didn't hurt as much as that one did. I do know he dropped her friendship that same day, during that same chat conversation. I wasn't going to let another woman walk in and take my husband without a fight. She found out exactly who I was that day. He had a choice to make. He could drop her immediately and start showing me the respect I'd earned as his wife and mother of his children, or he could get out then. He made his choice and it included telling her goodbye about five minutes after I found out.

[Robert]

thread closed, too many posters who think it is okay to post off topic and take pokes at other posters here.