Unrequited love? She talks to me in person but no longer texts, or talks online

[alpo]

Hi I'm new here but I want to tell you my situation that has been tearing me apart for nearly 4 years now since I first met this girl. I really want someone to tell me if what I had was love at first sight for this girl.

 

First I'll give you a brief history:

 

She was a 17 when we met, I was in early 20s. We are BOTH in long term relationships and we both have children (she got pregnant about a month after we met) We were in these relationships when we met but we still talked on the text and flirted and stuff. She loved her boyfriend and I loved my girlfriend, we agreed to just have a friendship. The problem was from the start I always felt more strongly for her, like from the moment I saw her something just clicked in my head and it has never 'clicked off' ever since. Even though I knew from the start she loved her boyfriend and liked me as a friend, this feeling would not go so I asked her out behind my girlfriends back. She agreed but then with her busy with pregnancy she stopped texting me completely and we lost touch for 2 years.

 

Every single day for those 2 years I thought of her...what is she doing, what is she up to, did her pregnancy go okay etc etc. every where I went with my girlfriend I wanted her to be there instead in some form. I was desperate to see her and catch up with her. Every day I hated the fact that she probably just forgot about me while I spent every day obsessing over her.

 

Now here's the thing:

 

We recently got back in touch. I found her on Facebook and we have seen each other several times in person recently. She talks to me and flirts with me, and acts all nice still in person, but she won't text me anymore, and won't add me as her friend on Facebook either. The last time I seen her I gave her my new number and she agreed to text me but didn't, so I asked her straight up why she doesn't reply to my friend request on Facebook and she said she doesn't get her notifications since upgrading her phone or something like that. She said she would send me her new number, but of course hasn't. I don't buy the excuse that girls are busy. She is one of those girls that has her phone glued to her hand and is on FB almost every minute of the day.

 

Let me just say that I KNOW she doesn't have any of the same feelings for me that I do her. I know she is happy with her boyfriend and her family and what not, but what I don't understand is why she is now ignoring me as a friend on text and Facebook. Why would someone still talk to me and openly flirt with me in public, and call me a friend in public, but then when she gets into her phone and her social networking it's like I don't exist? Why not just ignore me completely then, or brush me off in public? She is always eager to come over and see me or make sure I see her, yet she never ever texts me anymore and just ignores my friend request yet adds tons of other people.

 

Recently I played her at her own game and ignored her the entire night when we were out at the same place. However she tried desperately to get my attention the whole evening and in the end put herself right in front of me to say hello.

 

What I want someone to help me with, is it it that I fell in love with this girl at first sight. Is this what love at first sight is? From the first second I saw this girl something changed in my head and heart and it has never disappeared even though I have a long term partner and children of my own. It is having an affect on my own relationship that still after 4 years I feel so much for her.

 

I wouldn't mind having her just as a friend as long as she talked to me and confided in me properly and not just bits and pieces when we see each other. I want her to text me every night like she used to. Why won't she?

[Tressugar]

What does your girlfriend have to say about you wanting to date someone who is obviously not into you?

[fiatflux]

I think you must know the answers to your own questions. She is not adding you on Facebook or texting you because she senses your intentions and doesn't want to open up that avenue. Flirting with someone in person in public has no realistic potential of developing into anything inappropriate--in contrast with Facebook and texting. She enjoys experiencing the ego boost of having a little flirty banter with you when she sees you in person, but she is not willing to risk it going any further at this time.

[alpo]

What does your girlfriend have to say about you wanting to date someone who is obviously not into you?

 

Well she's not pleased about it obviously but what am I supposed to do? 4 years later and I cannot get this girl out of my mind for even one day.

[alpo]

I think you must know the answers to your own questions. She is not adding you on Facebook or texting you because she senses your intentions and doesn't want to open up that avenue. Flirting with someone in person in public has no realistic potential of developing into anything inappropriate--in contrast with Facebook and texting. She enjoys experiencing the ego boost of having a little flirty banter with you when she sees you in person, but she is not willing to risk it going any further at this time.

 

That's the thing though. It's not like the minute she adds me or texts me I'm going to start bombarding her with messages asking her to have a relationship with me. I would genuinely be okay with just discussing our problems, or situations or whatever as friends like we used to do. I mean isn't the whole point of Facebook itself, friendship?

[Tressugar]

Break up with your girlfriend and find someone else where you can experience mutual love, respect and trust for each other.

[alpo]

Why would I break up with my girlfriend? She wants to marry me. We've been together years and have kids. My girlfriend knows who this girl is and how I felt for her. It's not like I'm doing anything deceitful at this point.

[whichwayisup]

Unrequited love is one of the most damaging kind. I hope you understand that? You're trying to woo a girl that you want and are in love with and she is not interested in you. Any contact feeds your obsession, your feelings and expectations. In your head you two are having some form of a relationship. The thing is, her thoughts are not like yours at all.

 

Sorry but I hope you let go of her and get help to do so. How you've built her up to be really doesn't exist. She is not that person, you've created a fantasy..

[whichwayisup]

Why would I break up with my girlfriend? She wants to marry me. We've been together years and have kids. My girlfriend knows who this girl is and how I felt for her. It's not like I'm doing anything deceitful at this point.

 

Fact that you cannot see how damaging this is to your relationship and how disrespectful it is towards your girlfriend just shows how far gone you are. How would you feel if your gf did this to you? was obsessed with some guy, even one that you knew, and had a huge crush/unrequited love for him? It's unhealthy.

[whichwayisup]

Well she's not pleased about it obviously but what am I supposed to do? 4 years later and I cannot get this girl out of my mind for even one day.

 

How fair is this to your current girlfriend? Try to see it from a new and different angle, please don't justify or rug sweep it like it's OK to do. It's not at all and as I said before, this obsession is very damaging on so many levels.

[Tressugar]

Thank you for posting today mister. You'd just renewed my appreciation in how I'm blessed that my husband loves and wants me and ONLY me. I'm truly a grateful woman!

Edited May 11, 2014 by Tressugar

[alpo]

I do know that is damaging to my relationship and me and my GF we have argued plenty about this over the last couple of years, and the way I see it is that i didn't ask for this girl to come into my life. I don't understand why if you feel like that for someone so strongly why it ends up being not meant to be. I have met girls all the time that have come and gone, but none have ever stuck in my head like this. I mean I'm not an atheist, I firmly believe in God and why would God put her into my life? Life is a test, but I don't what reasons could lie behind this being a test. Perhaps it is to bring me closer to my girlfriend and realize how much she loves me? I need to see some religious figures in my area about this.

 

The other thing is that whenever in the past I have had relationships or involvements with girls before I met my current GF, I have NEVER ever had to chase girls or pursue them or anything like that, they have always been the one pursuing me, and it's hard to accept that for once the shoe was on the other foot.

[alpo]

In your head you two are having some form of a relationship. The thing is, her thoughts are not like yours at all.

 

Sorry but I hope you let go of her and get help to do so. How you've built her up to be really doesn't exist. She is not that person, you've created a fantasy..

 

What do you mean? I already said a couple of times that I know she has none of the same feelings and thoughts for me and is happy in her relationship. I'm not deluding myself that she is in love with me or anything like that.

 

But I would like to know why she seems interested in the friendship angle still when she KNOWS I feel that way about her. Why not cut me off completely and brush me off/ignore me in person? If I see someone I don't like on the street, or in a public place, I won't make an effort to get their attention.

 

So, do you think maybe she hates me and wants nothing to do with me but won't say it aloud because she doesn't want to come across as ruthless?

[melell]

I also have a fantasy about someone, and have for many years. At times I really feel in love with this person, and they have shown plenty of interest which only fuels it.

 

The problem is that the way I perceive this person in my head isn't who they are ...I don't know them well/intimately enough to logically come to any conclusions about loving them, yet the thought of them stays in my head.

 

I was in a relationship for years, and still the whole time I thought of this other person. I am a well rounded person in most respects, good social skills, options, things i can pursue.. but I still latch onto this strange idea of this person- it isn't obsessive, just something that is in my head.

 

What you are experiencing is more about you than it is some predestined infatuation with this girl. It serves a purpose for you in one way or another. Try to figure it out.

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't mind having her just as a friend as long as she talked to me and confided in me properly and not just bits and pieces when we see each other. I want her to text me every night like she used to. Why won't she?

 

She's is trying to be your platonic friend & maintain proper boundaries. She only talks to you once in a while because she is a kind person. Nightly texts are far more intimate & would place your friendship on a slippery slope toward a romance, which you want & she doesn't. It would also lead to emotional cheating on your present partners.

[alpo]

I also have a fantasy about someone, and have for many years. At times I really feel in love with this person, and they have shown plenty of interest which only fuels it.

 

The problem is that the way I perceive this person in my head isn't who they are ...I don't know them well/intimately enough to logically come to any conclusions about loving them, yet the thought of them stays in my head.

 

I was in a relationship for years, and still the whole time I thought of this other person. I am a well rounded person in most respects, good social skills, options, things i can pursue.. but I still latch onto this strange idea of this person- it isn't obsessive, just something that is in my head.

 

What you are experiencing is more about you than it is some predestined infatuation with this girl. It serves a purpose for you in one way or another. Try to figure it out.

 

So what happened, is the feeling still there? How do you deal with it from day to day? I try to put her out of my mind, but then after a few minutes I start drifting back to thinking about her again. Random things like I will take my son to the park and then I will start thinking about her being there with her child also, and so on.

[melell]

So what happened, is the feeling still there? How do you deal with it from day to day? I try to put her out of my mind, but then after a few minutes I start drifting back to thinking about her again. Random things like I will take my son to the park and then I will start thinking about her being there with her child also, and so on.

 

I would say it is similar with me, i picture lots of scenarios involving them, and it happens quite automatically. I just try to look at it rationally, and remind myself that I am indulging a fantasy.

[spiderowl]

This is such a difficult one because you are so clearly infatuated with her that it's hard to know how much of what she is doing is actually what she does and how much is how you are interpeting her as doing.

 

She might just be being friendly and you are interpreting it as flirting. It's impossible to know. As you say, she could have accepted your friend request, but there are difficulties with that. Firstly, you would find out more about her and her family life. Maybe she thinks that could be awkward? Secondly, her husband would see that she added you and that could be difficult for her. Apart from saying hello in person and being friendly then, she is not giving you any signs that she sees it as more than friendship.

 

I know it's awful when you feel strongly for someone like you do. It's not fair on your partner either as you are barely with her and certainly not in spirit. Maybe you should got and talk to a counsellor about this issue because it's interfering with your current relationship and making you unhappy.

[littleplanet]

wow.

Welcome to the weird world where texts are more intimate than face to face contact.

And in the new surveillance society - cyber trails are more incriminating than what happens in real life?

 

You both have kids (with others.)

Do you both consider the repercussions?

Have you considered how certain consequences can affect them?

 

If you've always been a big hit with women......welcome to the one who is able to resist you.

 

I dunno......you talk like it's perfectly normal to be with one, and in love with another.

(if love is what it is - obsession might be a better term.)

 

And how you want her as a friend......is far too obsessive for any real friendship. Friends accept each others' rules. If the rules clash - usually the friendship goes down.

 

Nobody's 'real' life is in that little screen idiot box. It's out here where flesh and blood feels the warmth of the sun.

 

When I was 20, I left the woman I was living with but didn't love - for the woman I did - who had just broken up with her boyfriend. There were not kids involved on either side. It didn't work out so well, but I learned an important lesson.

Living with someone and loving/wanting someone else - is no way to live. Requires change.

 

I just don't get it. You have kids. Yet the mother of those children seems to be silent and invisible in all this. Why is that?

 

And finally: if the one you're obsessed with 'seems' to want friendship......she's not actually cutting you off and ignoring you in person. In person is actually what she's comfortable with (with you.)

She's not comfortable with "cyber-intimacy."

People seem to think that a technological device is now more real and 3-dimensional than their own solid self.

Willingness to dance on the little silver screen is what? The mating ritual of avatars?

Gimme a break.

 

Spend some time with your kids and think about things.

Such as - she's happy in her relationship. She may even be happy flirting a little in real life. She obviously isn't happy with the idea of you 'owning' her online.

You need to get over that.

[preraph]

She's refusing to put anything in writing or facebook because she doesn't want her bf to know! That should be a no-brainer. If you know she doesn't have strong feelings for you, do yourself a favor and just keep moving.

[todreaminblue]

Why would I break up with my girlfriend? She wants to marry me. We've been together years and have kids. My girlfriend knows who this girl is and how I felt for her. It's not like I'm doing anything deceitful at this point.

 

 

 

you state that your gf knows how you felt for her....past tense use of felt......do you think your gf knows how you feel about this girl now have you had that discussion yet.....i dont feel at all that you are ready for marriage if you are holding a candle for another girl in your life.........deb

[alpo]

wow.

Welcome to the weird world where texts are more intimate than face to face contact.

And in the new surveillance society - cyber trails are more incriminating than what happens in real life?

 

You both have kids (with others.)

Do you both consider the repercussions?

Have you considered how certain consequences can affect them?

 

If you've always been a big hit with women......welcome to the one who is able to resist you.

 

I dunno......you talk like it's perfectly normal to be with one, and in love with another.

(if love is what it is - obsession might be a better term.)

 

And how you want her as a friend......is far too obsessive for any real friendship. Friends accept each others' rules. If the rules clash - usually the friendship goes down.

 

Nobody's 'real' life is in that little screen idiot box. It's out here where flesh and blood feels the warmth of the sun.

 

When I was 20, I left the woman I was living with but didn't love - for the woman I did - who had just broken up with her boyfriend. There were not kids involved on either side. It didn't work out so well, but I learned an important lesson.

Living with someone and loving/wanting someone else - is no way to live. Requires change.

 

I just don't get it. You have kids. Yet the mother of those children seems to be silent and invisible in all this. Why is that?

 

And finally: if the one you're obsessed with 'seems' to want friendship......she's not actually cutting you off and ignoring you in person. In person is actually what she's comfortable with (with you.)

She's not comfortable with "cyber-intimacy."

People seem to think that a technological device is now more real and 3-dimensional than their own solid self.

Willingness to dance on the little silver screen is what? The mating ritual of avatars?

Gimme a break.

 

Spend some time with your kids and think about things.

Such as - she's happy in her relationship. She may even be happy flirting a little in real life. She obviously isn't happy with the idea of you 'owning' her online.

You need to get over that.

 

LOL. I'm not trying to 'own' her online. I don't even use social networking or texting much at all. I have a Facebook just to contact people when I can't get through to them or I lost their number or something. I am certainly NOT someone who obsesses over texting and social networking. I'm not caught in the matrix. I don't walk around with my phone attached to my arm. I don't even use a smart phone!

 

This girl is the only one I have spent significant time texting over recent years - and that's only because she seemed shy to talk on the phone and preferred to use the method of texting. However, I'm not dumb enough to think she won't reply to me if I do send her something online because she's busy. For crying out loud I can check right now and see she was active 5 mins ago! Talk to me in person and in clubs, but leave me hanging online like she doesn't know who I am? On a site which is supposed to be solely about friendship? And yet she will add every single other 'friend' like school people or whatever?

 

You say it is too obsessive to be friends, but she DOESN'T KNOW that I fell so deep for her, she isn't aware of the extent of my obsession/and my longing for her. I told her how I felt about her but I didn't go that deep into it, so how could SHE KNOW that it would be an obsessive friendship? As far as she is concerned I am someone who is her friend, she doesn't mind talking to, and that she likes being flirty with every now and then. That's it. She doesn't know what I am telling you here.

 

Of course it's not normal, but what do you expect me to do about it? I try to put her out of my head, then a few weeks go by and I see her again. How am I supposed to know if it's love? That's what I'm asking. I mean I have never felt this way regarding a girl before. How do you know where to draw the line between an unrequited love and an obsession? What is the criteria needed for it to be unrequited love?

 

The mother of my children knows all about this. She is not invisible and I haven't lied to her. She knows who this girl is and found the texts in my phone and confronted me about them. She asked me to delete the texts but I refused. I'm always spending time with my kids. I am still able to function as a father with this on my mind all the time. Oh I know she is happy in her relationship, but the guy she is with doesn't appear to love her like she loves him. At least that's impression I get from observation, and also what she has told me.

[alpo]

you state that your gf knows how you felt for her....past tense use of felt......do you think your gf knows how you feel about this girl now have you had that discussion yet.....i dont feel at all that you are ready for marriage if you are holding a candle for another girl in your life.........deb

 

Yes she knows how I feel about her now and before. She confronted me over the texts at first and then I just exploded with anger and told her the whole truth. This girl has pined for my attention while my girlfriend was in the same vicinity one time. My girlfriend noticed this and confronted me about it too. But it wasn't my fault because I was ignoring her, and it was her that approached me, so my girlfriend could see that it was her initiating the contact that time not me.

 

I also told my girlfriend that look she doesn't care about me one bit because she will never ever text me anymore or respond to my message online so obviously she loves her boyfriend and could care less about me so she can relax with that knowledge.

[alpo]

She's refusing to put anything in writing or facebook because she doesn't want her bf to know! That should be a no-brainer. If you know she doesn't have strong feelings for you, do yourself a favor and just keep moving.

 

Yes she doesn't have those feelings for me, so what would she be hiding from her boyfriend? That's what I don't get. It's not like she is going to be sending me flirty messages. From her perspective she has nothing at all to hide because she has always insisted on friendship, so what exactly has she done wrong to be hiding from her BF? Apart from the flirting when her BF isn't around which he obviously doesn't even know about, there is absolutely zero evidence for him to hold anything against her regarding me.

Edited May 24, 2014 by alpo

[Rainbowx]

I also told my girlfriend that look she doesn't care about me one bit because she will never ever text me anymore or respond to my message online so obviously she loves her boyfriend and could care less about me so she can relax with that knowledge.

 

That isn't the problem. The problem is your interest towards her.