WalkingTall Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Here is the situation. I was married for a couple years to the mother of my fantastic son. Her parents passed away - Mom when she was young, and Dad just after we broke up. During our relationship if you can call it that, my then wife and my Mother spent alot of time together while I was away at work. They bonded and took care of my son together while he was very ill and I was away at work. My ex soon told me that I didn't seem happy in the relationship, and said we should take a break. I knew what she meant right there but not til later that day did I know the reason behind it. After receiving no less than 3 calls from 3 different guys I packed up and left to go to my Mother's place just down the road. (Background: I had moved accross the country with my family to be closer to my mother who moved away when I was 7) She was my only family that I felt I could talk to and give me some comfort when I really needed to come to grips with what was happening. She was there to listen to me for a few days and provide a place to stay while I worked through my devastation. A few days after I had arrived, we were talking about it some more as I couldn't sort out what emotions I was feeling. I was recanting the events out loud to her, and to my amazement she said to me "That's not what 'she' said, and I would believe her". Needless to say I was devastated when I heard this and found out that my mother knew about this for a month prior to the breakup. What made it worse was that my ex took the time while I was away to form this story that I was unhappy in the relationship and some story that I was interested in other women. It was obvious that my mother was buying this story and comforting my ex at the same time as she was being there for me. My mother was the only one I could talk to as I had few friends that I could talk to since we had moved to that city recently, and I worked out of town. Anytime I tried to talk to her about what happened and my feelings, she would side with my ex. I would have been satisfied if she remained neutral, but I really wanted my own mother to show a little compassion in my time of need. Even if she kept her personal feelings aside, and could just be there for me it would have been appreciated. Since that day my relationship with my mother has been less than stellar. She continues to be a big part of my ex's life as my ex calls her MOM to this day. I can understand being there for my son, which I do appreciate, but its so much more than that. My family was invited to my ex's wedding to her husband, my ex was invited to my brother's wedding, (my mother sang at both weddings), BBQ's, and social gatherings, camping trips, holidays including christmas at each other's home, many times without my son present. She would have 2 holiday dinners... one for everyone including the ex and her family and one for me and "friends of the family". I have mad efforts in the past to reconcile our differences, but the issues are still there. I cannot feel comfortable with her anymore other than idle chit chat. She still feels she has done nothing wrong even after telling her I felt abandoned when I needed her the most. Is there any way to salvage my relationship with my Mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 WT.. Just a little different perspective here.. I was married and have 2 little people.. My EXH is an ONLY child. During the time he and I were married, I was very tight with his Mom.. I divorced him almost 3 years ago.. and in that time his Mom always said she didn't want to take sides.. she had developed a relationship with me and looked at me as her daughter. She is still very supportive of Him, and she will defend him to the end (even when he's wrong, and she knows his sorry butt is wrong) BUT she is STILL his Mom you know? I often tease my EXH and tell him that his Mom likes me more than him.. but the thing is.. I've really tried hard to maintain a relationship with her.. something she had said to me when I was going forward with the divorce.. "I understand that you're divorcing my Son and I wish you weren't.. but please don't take my grandbabies far, and please don't *divorce* me" She had really become very fond of me.. and she took the news of our divorce probably harder than even her Son or I did.. I guess my point is this WT.. Although I'm certain it has to be hard on you at times with all of this.. YOU are STILL her son, he child.. and even though she maintains the friendship with your EX.. in part because of your son and in part because she developed a friendship with your EX.. I still must believe (just as in the case for me) that IF push came to shove.. your EXW would have to stand the hell by.. because she is YOUR MOM.. not many bonds are stronger than that. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Wow. I've been through similar. My exhusband still to this day will be at my mom's house (with our son) when I call sometimes. We had to schedule our wedding shower around my step-dad's and ex-husband's plans to attend a football game together. My ex-husband was there when my current husband wanted to ask for his blessing for us to wed. See how over the top it can get? I think the world of my ex-husband, but he's just that. An ex-husband. I feel like my family's priority should be to me. My mom and I had it out early on. After being divorced for 2 yrs, I wanted to introduce her to my new boyfriend (current husband). But never could, "he" was always there (which was ironic b/c he didn't want to go over there when we WERE married). Mom asked why I never came over anymore, I told her. He's always there and it's interfering with my life. I'm trying to get on! I think my mom had guilt because *I* had left my ex. But that's not her place. I think you need to sit down and have a heart2heart with your ma. Mine's not perfect, no. But it helped. I think it's worth attempting. Let it be known that you're not trying to ban her from seeing her/them, but that it's interfering in you guys' relationship. Rtemind her that without you, there wouldn't be a her!!! Good luck. I feel ya. My husband has been the most patient man with this, bless HIS heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WalkingTall Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 Thank you both for expressing your experiences, it has given me hope. This happened 7 years ago, and I do understand that a big part of it is the hurt and animosity towards her. I have tried to let go and just start anew. Every time I do, something is said that reopens the wound. I wish that I could move past this, because having my son and my mother in my life at the same time would be incredible. I love them both dearly, and without my mother, I really have no family here save my son. She treats him very well, and for that I am grateful. I have problems with the fact that she believes I have committed some deplorable acts to cause the breakup of the marriage from the stories that have been told to her. I have tried to lead my life in the best way I can, and doing the right thing when possible (reason I got married). This has torn my brothers and sister apart. My sisters live with my Dad and Step-Mom, and my brother is out here, as he moved here a couple years before I did to be with our Mom and Step-Dad. As a sidenote... the breakup was the best thing to happen to me!!!! I just hope in the end its the best for my son. Again thanks... for the first time in many years I was able to voice this deep hurt to the caring people here at LS. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Sounds like the best thing you can do is to get on with your life. Date, find a girlfriend, make them take the focus off of you being the divorcee. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WalkingTall Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 Oh don't worry there... between then and now I have dated (numbers a well kept secret) but was in a 5 year relationship, and now a year and a half with the love of my life.... and the ex has hated each and every one of my partners! Oh well too bad! Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Just call her and tell her you love her...My dad died in a fire last week and I never was able to tell him that I love him one last time. Instead, I got to say goodbye to him at a funeral. I will always live with that one regret now and I am not the type of person to ever ponder the past mistakes. But, this one I will... Take a chance, what is the worse that can happen? Link to post Share on other sites
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