NC steps to be successful

[msoptimistic]

So, as a MOW who now realizes that in order to maintain sanity, the A must end and who has attempted NC before but failed miserably, can anyone please offer some success stories about surviving NC? Are there any tips or advice about how to handle weak moments? Any timeframes for when it gets easier to make it through an hour without that doomsday feeling taking over and the tears flowing?

 

This is not a result of any blowup or bad scene, just a need for peace or at least a little less pain from thinking about them being together and being so, so sad....I've tried thinking about the hurt and any bad traits I can think of but love is blind and I catch myself defending him in my own mind...up until now we have talked 3-4x each day, some long conversations, some 10 seconds if he was busy but he'd always attempt to answer even it was just to say "Give me x minutes or I'll call you back asap."

 

But there are so many threads here about breaking NC and being back at square 1...so anyone who has conquered NC and moved past A care to share some helpful hints?

[RickFox]

So, as a MOW who now realizes that in order to maintain sanity, the A must end and who has attempted NC before but failed miserably, can anyone please offer some success stories about surviving NC? Are there any tips or advice about how to handle weak moments? Any timeframes for when it gets easier to make it through an hour without that doomsday feeling taking over and the tears flowing?

 

This is not a result of any blowup or bad scene, just a need for peace or at least a little less pain from thinking about them being together and being so, so sad....I've tried thinking about the hurt and any bad traits I can think of but love is blind and I catch myself defending him in my own mind...up until now we have talked 3-4x each day, some long conversations, some 10 seconds if he was busy but he'd always attempt to answer even it was just to say "Give me x minutes or I'll call you back asap."

 

But there are so many threads here about breaking NC and being back at square 1...so anyone who has conquered NC and moved past A care to share some helpful hints?

 

 

Yes, just don't do it. Understand that you will have weak moments, accept the pain, and take it day by day. I broke nc after two years but realized quickly how dumb it was and have successfully continued on. Day by day

[Devastated1969]

So, as a MOW who now realizes that in order to maintain sanity, the A must end and who has attempted NC before but failed miserably, can anyone please offer some success stories about surviving NC? Are there any tips or advice about how to handle weak moments? Any timeframes for when it gets easier to make it through an hour without that doomsday feeling taking over and the tears flowing?

 

This is not a result of any blowup or bad scene, just a need for peace or at least a little less pain from thinking about them being together and being so, so sad....I've tried thinking about the hurt and any bad traits I can think of but love is blind and I catch myself defending him in my own mind...up until now we have talked 3-4x each day, some long conversations, some 10 seconds if he was busy but he'd always attempt to answer even it was just to say "Give me x minutes or I'll call you back asap."

 

But there are so many threads here about breaking NC and being back at square 1...so anyone who has conquered NC and moved past A care to share some helpful hints?

 

I'm about 6-7 weeks NC and feel a lot stronger so please believe it will get better. It's not easy though, especially at first and sometimes you feel that having contact with them briefly will make you feel better, IT WONT, it just reminds you of what will never be, reminds you that you are 2nd best or less, reminds you how little you really mean, and worse of all feeds their ego! Be strong, KNOW this is the right thing for YOU. Take care, keep busy and spend time with good friends and family xx

[msoptimistic]

What about the out-of-the-blue crying spells when you work with the public? Any ideas about how to keep it out of your mind when you're in work mode? I can be talking to a co-worker and not even feel it coming and suddenly have to make an excuse to disappear...and friends want to help but you can't tell them what's wrong so they feel like they're not as good a friend as they thought they were since you won't confide in them and the vicious circle goes on and on....

 

 

Not exaggerating here and not trying to be a drama queen or seek anybody's sympathy because I know if you're on here responding you've been at the same place I am, but this is honestly THE hardest thing I have ever been through in my life...I've been through deaths both expected and unexpected and seeing my kids hurt for different reasons but to love someone you can't have is a hurt that is almost indescribable...

 

 

Have never noticed any other way but going NC as being a reasonable alternative to ending an A, but why does it have to be this hard????

[Poppy's sister]

The only time I have had which is near to going n/c, I took my daughters on holiday. Left phone and laptop at home and booked us all on surf lessons... So could say red eyes and tears due ti salt water. Plus physical activity and lots of long walks on beach helped calm my mind.

Also meant I was solely responsible for children so had some distraction and didn't have to pretend to husband.

I have cried at work loads of times, I just give myself few mins in loo and then deep breath in and wash face and plaster smile on

 

It gets easier.... Fake it till you make it

[movingon45]

msoptimistic, I have cried once but it was after working hours and I was alone. I cried the first time I tried to go NC and realized that I have not only lost a lover but a friend. Have to let go of him completely. I cried again at home when I was alone but it was easier the second time around.

 

You just have to suck it up I guess. The moment it has begun to affect my work that's when I draw the line and get angry at myself for letting the game enter my reality. In my case there was no future faking. The worst time for me in NC is the the first 5 days. After that it becomes easier. I'm still missing him but I no longer have that itch to make contact.

[Waverly]

What about the out-of-the-blue crying spells when you work with the public? Any ideas about how to keep it out of your mind when you're in work mode? I can be talking to a co-worker and not even feel it coming and suddenly have to make an excuse to disappear...and friends want to help but you can't tell them what's wrong so they feel like they're not as good a friend as they thought they were since you won't confide in them and the vicious circle goes on and on....

 

I don't work with the public, but I am still VERY familiar with what you're talking about. I'm a remote employee, but travel to my office every few weeks. It happens to be located in the town that is associated SO closely with my xAP, and I have an incredibly hard time holding it together when I'm up there.

 

So, more often than I'd like, I find myself in the office, in meetings, giving presentations, and trying not to hyperventilate or break down sobbing in front of my colleagues who I only see every now and again. It is a TERRIBLE feeling.

 

I don't have any great trick for you. I've excused myself more than once, either to go outside and cry, get some fresh air, call a friend and sob to them for a few minutes (I have one friend who has been a serious rock through all of this mess). Lately, my therapist has just been reminding to breath -- as she keeps telling me, you can't simultaneously let go and hold onto the tension. I've been trying to be better about it, and when I find myself feeling like I am going to lose it, I stop and try to take some very deep, deliberate breaths. It's not magic; I definitely still feel the pain and the thoughts, but it does stop me from crying.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not easy. Everyone says it will get easier with time...I'm not there yet. As much solace as I find in knowing other people here are going through similar things, it's also not a feeling I would wish on anyone.

[Owl]

NC can be successful. Here are some tips.

 

1. It needs to be CLEARLY communicated on both sides, so that there's no confusion as to what's going on, or why.

2. He needs to agree to NC as well. If he refuses...he needs to be shown the 'stick' for continuing the negative behavior. You need to enforce this as a boundary. He needs to respect your wishes in this matter. This could mean sending an email to his wife when he breaks NC against your will.

3. NC is not a passive activity...it requires action. You need to not only maintain no contact, but you need to remove any easy access for him to reach out to you. You need to remove any easy access for you to reach out to him in moment's of weakness as well. That means:

A. Block his calls, emails, texts.

B. Change email/IM accounts where possible. Change phone numbers where possible too.

C. Remove his contact information from your phone, email/IM accounts, etc...

4. You need to have a 'support system' in place. People you can talk with, rely on when you're feeling weak and ready to end NC.

5. You need to fill your time, and your mind, with something other than him. Start a new hobby, resume an old one. Work out, take up running, or better yet martial arts. And practice, practice, practice. Wear yourself out mentally and physically so that you can sleep and eat normally.

[msoptimistic]

It does help to know that I don't go through these crazy emotions alone, although there is not a soul on this earth that I would wish this pain on...sometimes I try to tell myself that this could very well be the pain I would inflict on his W if we were to continue and she were to find out...don't think I could live with myself knowing I was a source of this much pain for anyone...

Poppy's sister...I have thought about a vacation; my kids are older and have summer jobs so it wouldn't be easy but it may be something I have to work on (maybe with a girlfriend!)...need some time to think!

moving on...it does bother me that it has affected my work although sometimes I think I bend over backwards to do a better job because I know my work could be compromised right now if I let my emotions take over too much!

Waverly...I have excused myself from quite a few meetings just knowing that the time of NC was coming that I have rescheduled a few things so I don't have as many meetings for a little while and have a little more freedom to break down!

OWL, I was so hoping to hear from you, my voice of reason even when it hurts! Thanks for the steps and some of them will be easy; I have a dedicated cell just to talk to him so all I have to do is turn it off, he has no other numbers...for the OW in these situations, it hurts to have the man accept your request for NC. You know you have to and you know it would be better to not be sitting and waiting to hear from him, but in the back of your mind, you want him to fight and say NO, we won't not have contact, in fact, I want to be with you all the time...that fairy tale ending we all want so badly...so there are a lot of emotions that go along with just knowing that you're losing a lover and a friend...you have to accept that you were never what you thought you were in his life and that you settled for less than you deserve and so many more negative thoughts that are magnified by the NC drama...it's hard but your list is right on and it has to happen!!! Thanks, everyone!

[Owl]

OWL, I was so hoping to hear from you, my voice of reason even when it hurts! Thanks for the steps and some of them will be easy; I have a dedicated cell just to talk to him so all I have to do is turn it off, he has no other numbers...for the OW in these situations, it hurts to have the man accept your request for NC. You know you have to and you know it would be better to not be sitting and waiting to hear from him, but in the back of your mind, you want him to fight and say NO, we won't not have contact, in fact, I want to be with you all the time...that fairy tale ending we all want so badly...so there are a lot of emotions that go along with just knowing that you're losing a lover and a friend...you have to accept that you were never what you thought you were in his life and that you settled for less than you deserve and so many more negative thoughts that are magnified by the NC drama...it's hard but your list is right on and it has to happen!!! Thanks, everyone!

 

I'm glad you find my posts and advice helpful. They truly are intended that way. I appreciate the compliment...having been called out on my "agenda", it's nice to know that some find what I've got to say helpful.

 

One suggestion...NC is intended to be PERMANENT. With that in mind...don't shut that cell phone off. Get rid of it. Take it by a local cell phone store for recycling, and drop it off. Make sure to factory reset it before you do.

 

You'll feel a brief flash of pain when you do it...but then you'll feel a huge sense of relief, as if a weight has been lifted off of you.

 

It's a clear sign to yourself that you're healing.

[msoptimistic]

You know, I am looking forward to some relief feelings at some point...I have read a few (very few) posts from people who found NC to be much easier than they thought...I've just always wondered if that were permanent or if they eventually came down off the high and gave in to make/receive contact.

I think the physical act of making NC possible is a lot easier than living with the consequences afterward...for me, the hardest thing is waking up in the mornings when reality hits and you feel like you've just run headfirst into a cement wall, your heart breaks and the tears spring up and you know you have to get up and face the day, but that being said, it is a step to recovery and you can always remind yourself of that...

 

 

Keeping busy seems to be the way to go...thinking about being out of a dead end situation helps but it is just so easy for the mind to wander over to the good times before you even realize it...I guess once people make it through to the other side they don't need these forums to help as much and maybe don't post the good side??? Sometimes we just need to hear that there's a future, and a good future, waiting if we don't give up???? (notice the optimistic in my name!)

[Goodbye]

Firstly, make sure you are in NC for the purpose of NC. Lot's of people here (initially myself included) go NC in hopes of triggering a reaction from the other side.

 

If you are in that early phase where you are obsessive almost to the point of it feeling like addiction, make a thread and post here daily. I did this to get me through the initial few weeks...not sure the moderators loved it, but whatever. I'd post each day that I'd made it through without contacting, and reading back now it seems like I was in withdrawal.

 

After you get over the initial phase (a few weeks), try and refill your life. Creating a new life minus the MM/MW is key. Fill your days with the stuff you neglected while spending time with the AP, or distract yourself with new interests. I noticed it was during this phase, a real turning point in healing, that the exMM started trying to break NC again. Its as if they sense the healing going on. Stay strong.

 

Finally, I had to remove myself from Loveshack and all things romantic/affair related to just try and feel normal. I didn't post or read here for a couple of months until I really needed advice. While this is a great source of info and support, being here too much can keep you thinking about the AP more than is good for healing.

 

I also wrote down all the raw, painful things about the relationship on a card and kept them in my purse. It is so easy when you are lonely, sad, nostalgic etc to rewrite history. Keep it real, there is a real reason you are ending things, going NC.

[lovinDKT3]

Going NC was hard and I failed 5 times. It wasn't until my husband found out, facing the choice NC became a lot easier. Worst part was I wasn't "in love" with OM. I cared for him very much. I just kept telling myself "we can still be friends". You can't be friends it will only lead you back.

 

I'm not saying you need to confess, you simply need to find a reason to stop that means more to you. Remember there is no justification for contact, no just want to see how he is doing, or I want to say one more thing. Just stop. It hard but you can do it.

[Goodbye]

What about the out-of-the-blue crying spells when you work with the public? Any ideas about how to keep it out of your mind when you're in work mode? I can be talking to a co-worker and not even feel it coming and suddenly have to make an excuse to disappear...and friends want to help but you can't tell them what's wrong so they feel like they're not as good a friend as they thought they were since you won't confide in them and the vicious circle goes on and on....

 

 

Not exaggerating here and not trying to be a drama queen or seek anybody's sympathy because I know if you're on here responding you've been at the same place I am, but this is honestly THE hardest thing I have ever been through in my life...I've been through deaths both expected and unexpected and seeing my kids hurt for different reasons but to love someone you can't have is a hurt that is almost indescribable...

 

 

Have never noticed any other way but going NC as being a reasonable alternative to ending an A, but why does it have to be this hard????

 

 

It is really hard because it is grief. And because it was an affair, you couldn't really confide in people, so you grieve alone for the most part. Try and take it easy on yourself right now. Can you book a little vacation for yourself for a couple months from now to give you something to think about? I did this, I'd think "In 7 weeks I'll be in Costa Rica and I won't be feeling like I do right now." Didn't totally work out that way, but it eased the intensity of the pain. The problem with grief is that when you are in it, it truly feels like it will NEVER END. But, it will. At least this awful phase of feeling like you are constantly on the brink of crying will. Just tell your peers you are hormonal and they'll stay away from you. Try and give yourself time to cry at home. Taper this off over time. This will get better. It is survivable.

[Mickey1982]

You know, I am looking forward to some relief feelings at some point...I have read a few (very few) posts from people who found NC to be much easier than they thought...I've just always wondered if that were permanent or if they eventually came down off the high and gave in to make/receive contact.

I think the physical act of making NC possible is a lot easier than living with the consequences afterward...for me, the hardest thing is waking up in the mornings when reality hits and you feel like you've just run headfirst into a cement wall, your heart breaks and the tears spring up and you know you have to get up and face the day, but that being said, it is a step to recovery and you can always remind yourself of that...

 

 

Keeping busy seems to be the way to go...thinking about being out of a dead end situation helps but it is just so easy for the mind to wander over to the good times before you even realize it...I guess once people make it through to the other side they don't need these forums to help as much and maybe don't post the good side??? Sometimes we just need to hear that there's a future, and a good future, waiting if we don't give up???? (notice the optimistic in my name!)

 

 

Those first few weeks of NC are the worst. I have NEVER been thru such pain and gut wrenching anguish as I felt back in January. I barely could get out of bed let alone function at all. I have zero idea how I was able to keep my job and sanity itself.

 

Anti-depressants, therapy and TIME is all that helped me along those darkest of days along with reading these posts. I knew what I was feeling was ‘natural’ and I was not alone.

 

I am 3 ½ months NC (I am not even counting the weeks any more). Does it get easier? Yes. The intense pain has stopped and I can work and function as I did before. I actually even went to conference a few weeks ago and managed to have a really great time meeting new friends and smiling and laughing for the first time in months. I actually had ‘gaps’ of time where HE never entered my thoughts. How incredible was that??????

 

However, if I told you that I still do not have sad moments of those heart stabbing ‘whys?, I would be lying to you and fooling myself. I don’t know when and if they will ever totally subside. When LS posters told me that it will get easier, I refused to believe that it would happen. But it did.

 

Unfortunately, the wishing for what will never be continues to live on. And, that is the hardest part right now.

[msoptimistic]

Yep, I have been one of those who wanted to use NC to get a response out of MM. However, at this point, I'm fighting for sanity. It's sad when all you want to do is love someone and you can't have it. It hurts when they tell you they're not happy but apparently you're not good enough to warrant the "headaches" of leaving for...so it becomes not so much a matter of a last ditch effort to get him to "see the light" but more of a soul-searching, heart-breaking decision to just let go...you don't love him a bit less and you can't control the hurt a bit more just by knowing it will get better but you still have to do it...I don't think you can stop the what-ifs in your mind and the hope that he'll come to his senses and see what he's losing, but I'm hoping that will fade with time...its also sad that I can't even remember what I did before the day we met, it's almost like life before and life after...and on some level, you have to be grateful for the experience but oh the pain makes you sometimes wish it had never happened....

I've just called in a refill for an anti-depressant prescription; had taken it for awhile but thought things were going to work out for us so I quit it - huge mistake but fixable! I've cried while typing this but I've gotten a lot of work done this morning trying to keep my mind off of him...so shouldn't be in trouble with the boss! I know it will be OK one day, just holding on till that day comes!

[Fluttershy]

One day at a time is all I can say. And if you fail, stop from going full in and start over. Think of succesful dieters. They may fail but when the cheat for one meal they try again and don't just say "I can't do it"

 

Owl gave you a lot of good tips. With any habit it is essential you break the pattern. So if there was a certain time you texted or contacted or whatever insert something new out of the norm and positive there.

[msoptimistic]

Thanks Flutter...great tips! I have just signed up for a test that is in July which will force me to have to study and give me a goal to work toward...I have also taken on some extra duties on my job that will take up a little more time both during the workday and in the evening so maybe that will help as well..I think its mostly in the attitude, if I think I can I can and if I think I'll never do it, I won't...but in these early stages, I go from one extreme to the other in about 1.2 seconds! I think during day 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, we should count minutes being successful at NC then work toward hours and maybe in a few weeks be at counting days of success...it is truly that big of a struggle at times! And here's the sad thing, I keep looking for something or someone to blame instead of it just being me...oh he has his share of the blame but I'm the only one responsible for me and my poor decisions, but I keep thinking, if we just hadn't met that one day; if I had gone to a different business instead of his; if if if if...but the day comes for everyone I guess that you have to accept life for what it is...unfair and pretty stinky if you ask me, but that also means it can only get better????

[Fluttershy]

Okay, i was a BW. And as one my mind would get stuck in what if and how could he loops. I would drag myself down looking for signs i should have seen or even the what ifs I had done this or that. So I did the thing where you visualize a stop sign and i also did snapping a rubber band (i used a hair elastic) on my wrist at the same time when I would realize my mind was stuck in loop. It took a while but it did help and it took consistency. At first I would allow myself to dwell but then I realized I would feel ill and be cranky with my toddlers. So I really started doing it and theb suddenly it seeme time passed and i no longer dwelled.

 

If you have processed something and worked through it. Or if it is something you can't change or has no answers. If it is dragging you down. Try to get it out of your life.

[WakingUp]

I am someone who is highly emotional, I laugh easily and I cry easily.

 

 

What I am doing now, and I hope this helps...

 

 

I get blindsided by waves of sadness and longing. All the what ifs.

 

 

When it happens, I mentally disconnect from the feeling. Almost like I am outside looking at it, if that makes sense.

 

 

I say to myself... This is just a feeling. That is all it is. It does not define ME. It does not define MY LIFE. It is not MY FUTURE.

 

 

Acknowledge the feeling, it is legitimate, but it will pass. Let it go.

 

 

I hope this makes sense. I ended up in a yoga meditation mindfulness retreat when I felt I was headed for a total breakdown earlier this year and found this method as an extension of that.

 

 

Just breathe, accept the emotion, and LET IT GO.

 

 

(((Hugs)))

[msoptimistic]

Thanks WakingUp and yes I am trying something very similar to that...when the crying takes hold I verbally say, this will pass and without you even realizing it, the period between crying spells will get longer and the spells will get shorter! You are exactly right; it is a feeling and while time may not heal it, surely it will make it better?