Isn't it unfair that some people struggle to find love?

[jay1983]

as for me, i've only been in one short relationship, and getting a woman to fall in love with me sounds like some kind of stupid fantasy that will never come true.

 

+1...........

[Bruce Leigh]

Depends on the situation, i have never wanted kids, some women stuck around hoping to change my mind, some did not. I was never going to change my mind though. 20's/early 30's were good fun but they were a relationship disaster zone But it was my choice at the time.

People tell me it should be easier to find someone who doesn't want kids/anymore kids at 38 but i'm not convinced.

 

Life is Life.

 

[endlessabyss]

+1...........

 

 

Bur.......

[Targetlock]

Life isn't fair or unfair its just life and what you can make of it and yes OP i know your frustration, i sometimes feel my love life is cursed.

[R3d]

Yeah, I know. It really puzzles me too. I have been asking for months on how guys are getting girlfriends so easily around my age (16). While it might not seem too bad that I am going 0/7, never had a date or a girlfriend at 16, I have always been curious as to how guys two years younger than me are having no problems getting girls. I have figured it out though, sort of. For me personally, it's not having much of a social life and being socially alienated from the school that has been deleterious to my dating potential. See, if I am not recognized and not known by people, it's really hard to meet girls when I am in no social circles. Having realized that, I am taking steps to become less alienated and have more of a social life so I feel less lonely, make more friends, and have a better chance with girls.

 

Part of the problem is, as someone pointed out in one of my earlier threads, a lot of girls are just looking for flings or fun, and care more about qualities like popularity, having a car, being tall and handsome (which is understandable, but it seems like some girls place way too much emphasis on this and have ridiculously high standards), and things of that nature. If I was to point out tthe good qualities in myself (please don't take this as me being conceited), it would be that I guess I am smart, benign, polite, and down-to-earth (these are a lot of the qualities that I look for in a girl in addition to physical attraction). A lot of people seem to say I am very nice. I am a good violin player (I am in a lot of orchestras), play tennis, and do TaeKwonDo as far as my hobbies go. However, as other people pointed out, these qualities don't really make you shine in high school...but whatever, I will keep trying anyway.

 

(As far as my looks go, I am around average I guess, based on the rate me polls on other forums, like a 5 or a 6, but the thing is I am short, and my parents are short, so it's unlikely I am going to be tall. But what can I do? Right? I am try not to let that ruin my confidence too much. And my looks are still going to develop, so I might turn out to be a lot better-looking later on. We can only wait and see.)

[TheBladeRunner]

I don't think it's unfair at all. The next relationship I have......"I" just want it to "happen" . The more I chase the worse I seem to do. I'll take it as it/if it comes. I'm in a very good place these days and I don't want to screw it up.

 

For once I'm going to try the ol' "It happens when you least expect it" approach.

[R3d]

I don't think it's unfair at all. The next relationship I have......"I" just want it to "happen" . The more I chase the worse I seem to do. I'll take it as it/if it comes. I'm in a very good place these days and I don't want to screw it up.

 

For once I'm going to try the ol' "It happens when you least expect it" approach.

 

Yeah, but if you're a guy, that doesn't really apply because you're the one that is usually expected to initiate everything. Its extremely unlikely that a girl will come and sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.

[TheBladeRunner]

Yeah, but if you're a guy, that doesn't really apply because you're the one that is usually expected to initiate everything. Its extremely unlikely that a girl will come and sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.

 

Yeah, I wasn't very clear...but agreed. Not looking to be "swept off my feet", but looking to get to know someone before dating them. I have had 3 opportunities over the last 2 months where I get to know them first. Two didn't work out and the one that is interested will not work for me.

 

I'm taking the slower approach because although I had some decent success with OLD, I kept meeting woman that wanted to move way too fast for my taste.

 

I guess what I really mean about not expecting it is to find someone I have gotten to know and if the spark is there for both of us, then there I have it.

 

Oh, and as far as getting approached: It has happened a few times........with my first and second wives . What does that tell ya'?

[Keenly]

Yeah, but if you're a guy, that doesn't really apply because you're the one that is usually expected to initiate everything. Its extremely unlikely that a girl will come and sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.

 

It happens. I've had a few girls initiate.

[R3d]

What is "OLD"? I have heard this acronym being used quite a few times on this board and have been wondering what it means.

[TheBladeRunner]

What is "OLD"? I have heard this acronym being used quite a few times on this board and have been wondering what it means.

 

Ah, acronyms......they are tough. OLD = Online Dating, IRL = In Real Life (my preference these days).

[somedude81]

It happens. I've had a few girls initiate.

 

Yeah, I had a few girls initiate as well, or at least try to. They were about double my size.

[TheBladeRunner]

Yeah, I had a few girls initiate as well, or at least try to. They were about double my size.

 

Oh buddy.....you have no idea.....but NOT the XW's (both)......they were about average

[Frank2thepoint]

And here I am, struggling to find some guy to fall in love with me, of course I don't get what I want, I've been in the dating world for awhile and I know when a guy isn't feeling me. I go on dating sites, hoping that it will be a fairy tale story, nothing. I don't go out to clubs/bars alot, just because I don't have any friends that want to go with me. I've tried the gym, exercising in the park, going to a friend's party, hopefully to meet someone. Still nothing. They say single people have to put themselves out there, but when we are trying to find something, it hardly ever leads to anything, yet its easy for some to casually meet their love of their lives without trying or looking. I don't get it. Isn't it unfair?

 

There has been another thread about the concept of finding love when you're not looking. Some will attest to this concept as truth, others will say that it's a farce. Personally, I have heard this phrase countless times, and it was usually women that said it. I say this because the way the mating dance occurs most of the time, women are the one's being approached. Most women that vehemently shout that men should do the initiating, postulates that women can afford to not search, while men are required to search. I hope you can see where I'm going with this. There is absolutely no truth in that phrase of "if you don't look for it, it will happen". Because at the core of it, someone has to be looking.

 

I'm sure you'll hear those lovely stories where two people, with no care in the world, single, happened upon a cosmically random encounter with each other, said "Hi", and now they are happily married for 20 years, with children, and a nice house. But your missing the fine point of that lovely tale. When there was that chance meeting of the two people, someone in that pairing decided to get brave and initiate the conversation that lead to the two people saying "Hi" to each other. Someone, for a brief moment, was looking.

 

The moral of my story is, that someone doing the looking, does not have to be the man. You said you put yourself out there, you've gone to bars/clubs, gym, parties, etc., but no where did you say that you initiated a conversation, asked a man out, or at least hinted to the man that he should ask you out. Maybe you feel just like other women, that it is the man's duty to initiate, to approach, otherwise you won't have respect for him, and you don't want to risk looking desperate. But if you feel this way, then just look at your situation. Is it working? Is holding onto archaic dating habits worth more to you then your own happiness? Maybe you could try to take the initiative and see where it leads. Believe it or not, many men actually have respect for the woman and appreciate her if she happened to do the initiating. And the initiative can be something as simple as walking up to a guy and saying "Hi".

[R3d]

There has been another thread about the concept of finding love when you're not looking. Some will attest to this concept as truth, others will say that it's a farce. Personally, I have heard this phrase countless times, and it was usually women that said it. I say this because the way the mating dance occurs most of the time, women are the one's being approached. Most women that vehemently shout that men should do the initiating, postulates that women can afford to not search, while men are required to search. I hope you can see where I'm going with this. There is absolutely no truth in that phrase of "if you don't look for it, it will happen". Because at the core of it, someone has to be looking.

 

I'm sure you'll hear those lovely stories where two people, with no care in the world, single, happened upon a cosmically random encounter with each other, said "Hi", and now they are happily married for 20 years, with children, and a nice house. But your missing the fine point of that lovely tale. When there was that chance meeting of the two people, someone in that pairing decided to get brave and initiate the conversation that lead to the two people saying "Hi" to each other. Someone, for a brief moment, was looking.

 

The moral of my story is, that someone doing the looking, does not have to be the man. You said you put yourself out there, you've gone to bars/clubs, gym, parties, etc., but no where did you say that you initiated a conversation, asked a man out, or at least hinted to the man that he should ask you out. Maybe you feel just like other women, that it is the man's duty to initiate, to approach, otherwise you won't have respect for him, and you don't want to risk looking desperate. But if you feel this way, then just look at your situation. Is it working? Is holding onto archaic dating habits worth more to you then your own happiness? Maybe you could try to take the initiative and see where it leads. Believe it or not, many men actually have respect for the woman and appreciate her if she happened to do the initiating. And the initiative can be something as simple as walking up to a guy and saying "Hi".

 

I agree and that's what I said in the other thread (I will copy the post here):

Hey, if you really want, why don't you try approaching yourself? Statistics show that girls get accepted way more if they approach. There was a test done to show this. Both a guy and a girl used the same obnoxious and forward pickup line to pick up a member of the opposite sex. The guy got accepted only a little more than 10% of the time, but the girl got accepted 50%. And that's for using a douchey sexual way too strong pickup line. Imagine if you just went up to a guy and kindly started a nice conversation with him in an attractive matter...I honestly think the whole "women who approach men are desperate" line is bull****. Now if you give off the desperate "vibe", sure, but I think it's silly to label a girl as desperate for simply approaching. It's the 21st century. Times are changing anyway, so it's not even that uncommon anymore.

 

If a guy sees you as "aggressive", "pushy", "easy", "desperate", whatever for simply approaching him, he's probably not worth your time anyway.

 

Now I realize that this is your marriage, your life lol, so I am not saying that you should settle for any random loser just because, but I mean you're still going to go on dates and stuff so if a guy doesn't cut it for you, just tell him off. After dating a few guys, hopefully you're one will come.

I have taken out some the parts because after thinking about it and talking with some other people on other boards, I came to realize that some of the parts weren't true.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Or could it be that some people are too ugly? Idk, not trying to sound harsh but it is one possibility. Or what about your facial expressions. Do you look like you are going to murder someone??? There is this chick in my college that is very good looking. Killer curves, culo, melons, seems smart, pretty, but always looks like shes pissed and is going to strangle someone. I had an interaction with her and I was completely intimidated and dared not carry on a conversation with her. Maybe she thought I was an ass because I tried to keep my distance but everyone should try to look friendly if they are looking for a potential mate.

 

On attractiveness, some girl poster said she had killer curves. Now, some men might be intimidated by that. Others will say they have no chance because she is probably taken or has 1000 of men lined up ready to date her so they think, "why bother?" Now with me, I'm always down for some killer curves. They are my kryptonite.

 

But all in all, if you can't find attract a mate then I would seriously consider initiating...something. And then you can take it from there. I hope I helped OP and everyone else's problems

[Do_The_Herp]

It is ironic that the slender, more petite women with "better bodies" than me sometimes get lesser attention. Perhaps guys are intimidated? But HMM I only believe men are intimidated by truly stunning women to be honest. Not the run of the mill 8/10's. My model friend never gets interest but I don't think it is because guys get intimidated? I am plain but she is not that much prettier than me in my opinion and the opinion of the people who know us both.

 

I have heard of a theory: some people are born to fall in love and attract people where as other people are left stone cold.

 

I think there is some validity to that theory ^^ there has to be, there are not many reasons guys wouldn't approach or ask out so called " hot, successful" girls unless they truly WERE stunning.

 

http://www.girlsinyogapants.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/bbq-booty.jpg Give me a girl like this any day..

 

http://intentionalsilence.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/thick-girls.jpg Eww.. I don't think I'd go for someone much skinnier than the one on the left.. If at all..

[Keenly]

Yeah, I had a few girls initiate as well, or at least try to. They were about double my size.

 

 

Eh....

 

I used to work at wendy's back in the day. I worked there for 6 years.

 

 

I'd be at work all day, sweating, in a stupid practically paper shirt.

 

One girl threw herself at me, and that is not even an understatement. This was based SOLELY on 3 or 4 5 to 10 minute interactions. She was only 15 though, and I was 20 or 21, but it was a good feeling.

 

The second also happened while I was at work. She never said it, but the look on her face said it all. Oh... and her best friend who was my co worker. She kind of spilled everything.

 

Point being, attractive girls make unexpectedly bold moves occasionally, and they should be well rewarded for their efforts.

The other one also

[somedude81]

Eh....

 

I used to work at wendy's back in the day. I worked there for 6 years.

 

 

I'd be at work all day, sweating, in a stupid practically paper shirt.

 

One girl threw herself at me, and that is not even an understatement. This was based SOLELY on 3 or 4 5 to 10 minute interactions. She was only 15 though, and I was 20 or 21, but it was a good feeling.

 

The second also happened while I was at work. She never said it, but the look on her face said it all. Oh... and her best friend who was my co worker. She kind of spilled everything.

 

Point being, attractive girls make unexpectedly bold moves occasionally, and they should be well rewarded for their efforts.

The other one also

Lordy, getting attacked by a 15 year old.

 

As I said earlier, I've never been hit on by a remotely attractive girl. I would most definitely reward them for their efforts, reward them with me that is

 

Don't forget that I'm only 5'6, most women aren't dying to talk to me.

[Revolver]

Life aint fair. It's a cold world out there. But I'm guessing you probably have advantages/skills that other people would probably envy.

[carhill]

IMO, the more people I bury and funerals I go to, there's no rhyme or reason for anything in life, just life and death. As long as you're on this side of the dirt, OP, I'd say you're doing pretty good.

 

BTW, I dealt with the same issues as a younger person, so BTDT. 55 and still alive. Lucky I guess.

[ashy555]

Life just isn't fair.

 

Im 24 and I have never had a relationship. I consider myself reasonably attractive and genuine. I have dated quite a bit. I do get a fair share of men who chase me who always turn out to be complete idiots. Usually arrogant narcissists. Most of my friends are in long term relationships and have been in many previously. My best friends are married. I am certainly not the luckiest person around and i do worry that i will never meet someone but i need to make changes to the men I pick.

 

One of my closest friends pointed it out to me. I ALWAYS seem to put up with men who treat me like garbage and I have realised how every time i get treated with disrespect, I brush it under the carpet and let them do it again and again because I am that besotted by them, usually to the point where they find someone else and dump me. According to 'google' i have low self esteem which I didn't believe at first. Though it has to be true otherwise I would not let men treat me the way they do.

 

One guy i dated for a while had about 10 gfs before and since(has been 2 yrs) has had about another 5. Although after 4 or 5 dates he tells me he doesn't date and is not looking for a relationship. a week later he is in a relationship with someone else. LOL I felt like the only girl he didnt want, and everytime i see his fb status change with another girl, I feel a little sad... Not because I wish it was me, but it seems he wants relationships with everyone BUT me. I have had this happen to me 4 times. I am surprised I still have an ounce of self esteem left. Sometimes i feel a bit like a human blow up doll good to sleep with and... thats about it lol

 

For me, I need to start respecting myself more and hopefully one day i will meet someone special. For now i have absolutely no desire for anyone. I feel like I have a ginormous stubborn wall around me that wont come down for anyone.

 

It is unfair. I have been unlucky but also brought upon a lot myself. Though I don't think its right for me to say that at my age, but I will be pretty upset if I am 50 and never had a relationship. Then I will start questioning my own self worth.

[Teraskas]

Oh yeah, right there with you. I can't even get a guy to date me. These are the only words I have to say and men go running: "I'm looking for an exclusive relationship." And then POOF. Gone.

 

Meanwhile people all around me meet guys absolutely out of no where, are getting engaged, having kids etc.

 

Or I watch all these psycho women I know get boyfriends like it's not even a thing. They are legit psycho, drama, treat the guys like garbage.

 

And I'm just here like, "hey I want a relationship." And it's like I have the plague. I don't get it at all.

 

I think I'm too boring for guys, honestly. They want the drama, and the excitement that these psychos come with.

 

Same here, but the other way around. :/

I utter those words as a guy and am countered with the "Let's be friends / I'm only looking for fun / I just got out of a relationship / I'm not ready for a relationship / There's no spark." argument.

 

In all honesty though, I'd leap at the chance to date you.

Want me to head over there as you're having such a tough time with it ? ^^

[Leigh 87]

In all honestly, I simply don't see why a genuinely pretty girl who is intelligent and has a great personality would be without ANY dates.

 

You are probably not that attractive. You are probably cute and all but come on, if you were THAT pretty and have such an amazing personality, why are you without any dates? Unless it was purely down to living in a small town and you not being the type to go out much. I know that happens. If you only go to work and the gym and never really venture out much, then yeah, even the most desirable, affable person would likely go a year or more without dates. You have to actually socialise at venues where the opposite sex is bound to be. OR try online dating to increase your odds.

 

People rate themselves too highly in the looks department. They think they are so pretty and desirable then they wonder why they cannot get any dates? It doesn't count if your "friends and family" say you are gorgeous. You could look like a troll and many people whom like or love you will try to lift you up and tell you that you have some nice features. It doesn't count if other people call you good looking. Other people regularly say that to me; I know that I am nothing special. I have model friends who ARE legit stunning so yeah, having a few fans who say you're very attractive doesn't mean the masses find you beautiful.

 

There is no reason why a girl like me who is still finishing her college degree and doesn't have a successful career and is fairly average looking can get dates with decent enough men and the hot women cannot. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I have had guys who have jobs/were cute want to date me. Not only losers at all. Are you guys just saying it isn't fair that the guys that you want don't ask you on dates? Are you only feeling chemistry for guys who don't fancy you? Come on I am sure there are guy who ask you out that you deem "beneath you" due to being unemployed (yet looking hard for another job), who have big ears, who don't have a college degree but earn a decent living, nor are they academically minded yet are intelligent in their own ways.

 

Would you consider asking a totally objective third party to give you some insight as to why you are not desirable enough for men to want to date you?

 

 

 

I don't know, it just doesn't cross my mind that I will wait years to find a loving relationship?

 

I truly believe that SOME people are born with the ability to generate more chemistry and desirability than others. Average people who have dating chooses and who get dates. When their hotter friend cannot (and not because she is too intimidating either, that is rare that someone is THAT stunning).

[irc333]

Wow, it's 4 pages into it already, surprised I didn't jump on this one from the get go. lol

 

But yeah, everytime I heard a "how we met" story, it's like it fell into their lap really. The man never had to jump hoops for his wife or play some back and forth tag-team game to "win her over" or even try to "create attraction" as some people so eloquently put as a dating advice on her.

 

They didn't really have the struggles some of us did to achieve that.

 

 

I don't get it, almost everyone that I know have met their spouse unexpectedly, like they found their boyfriend/husband without even trying/looking. My friend met her husband at work and she wasn't even looking, she told me that it just "happened." And now they have been married for 12 years.

 

This co-worker met her future husband at our work place-and I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to meet anyone, they just started chatting and boom, they hit it off and now they are getting married. Then, I read these love stories that my local newspaper prints out every week about couples that send their so-called love stories writing about how they met, and like 99.9% of the time, they were not even looking, most of them met by chance, like a majority were in relationships, then they broke it off with them for whatever reason and now they are happily together.

 

And here I am, struggling to find some guy to fall in love with me, of course I don't get what I want, I've been in the dating world for awhile and I know when a guy isn't feeling me. I go on dating sites, hoping that it will be a fairy tale story, nothing. I don't go out to clubs/bars alot, just because I don't have any friends that want to go with me. I've tried the gym, exercising in the park, going to a friend's party, hopefully to meet someone. Still nothing.

 

They say single people have to put themselves out there, but when we are trying to find something, it hardly ever leads to anything, yet its easy for some to casually meet their love of their lives without trying or looking. I don't get it. Isn't it unfair?