Isn't it unfair that some people struggle to find love?

[irc333]

I noticed, lately, a lot of single women that do actually find me interesting enough to date me, like to call the shots or have this "bossy" personality that I soon find out later. I usually have to cut it off, but I was wondering the remaining few women that ARE unattached are unattached for this reason, because it's like "I'm a woman, you date me, it's under MY conditions/control".

[Frank2thepoint]

Nah. That's not always going to be that clear of a signal. Really depends on the situation, I guess, and their body language.. But that's still a very indirect, passive "approach" and can easily be misinterpreted on both sides, whereas the girl will walk away thinking he's not interested while the guy is thinking "uhh.. hmm.. that was random"

 

I don't take a girl saying hello as a blatant sign of interest. Very indirect and passive.. As if a total stranger expects me to be a mind reader.. I'm naturally outgoing and sociable in general, I can easily mistake some small talk with a girl for just what it is.. Small talk..

 

It definitely will not be clear if a man and woman just say "hi" to each other, and then stand/sit there staring at each other without trying to converse. There has to be a little flirtation. Something like commenting on the person's attire, smile, or just general looks, to convey your interest.

 

 

If a girl had spoken to me unsolicited in the past, and they have, I'd never seen them slink away all rejected looking, because I never actually rejected them just because I didn't throw "OHMAWGAW SHE SAY HI TO ME, HOW IS YOU GURL? YOU WANT GO ON DATE? HERPITY DERP" ... into the flow of our conversation.. Unless the girl generally steers it in that direction or makes herself seem like she'd be receptive to it.

 

If a woman has the courage to approach a man, say hello, and make a subtle flirtatious comment such as her liking his shirt, the man obviously has to pick up on it and flirt back. Just because one person does the approaching, does not mean it is solely up to the approacher to steer the conversation. It takes two to tango.

[salparadise]

You are probably not that attractive. You are probably cute and all but come on, if you were THAT pretty and have such an amazing personality, why are you without any dates?

 

Why would you say this to her and then go on about how you have no trouble attracting men despite not being very good looking?

 

I think it has a lot to do with the energy that people exude. Some people have a kind of energy that attracts almost everyone, some have energy that attracts a narrower range of people, and some have negative energy that repels many and attracts few. I think it's more about finding someone that you resonate with, and then having the social/interpersonal/compatibility characteristics to sustain the relationship.

 

That's not to say that looks don't matter, or that other factors don't contribute... but I've seen some pretty unlikely parings and if it were just about looks then how do you explain people who would seem superficially mismatched falling in love with each other? A person's energy is usually palpable if you make any effort at all to tune into it.

[thedj10show]

In all honestly, I simply don't see why a genuinely pretty girl who is intelligent and has a great personality would be without ANY dates.

 

You are probably not that attractive. You are probably cute and all but come on, if you were THAT pretty and have such an amazing personality, why are you without any dates? Unless it was purely down to living in a small town and you not being the type to go out much. I know that happens. If you only go to work and the gym and never really venture out much, then yeah, even the most desirable, affable person would likely go a year or more without dates. You have to actually socialise at venues where the opposite sex is bound to be. OR try online dating to increase your odds.

 

People rate themselves too highly in the looks department. They think they are so pretty and desirable then they wonder why they cannot get any dates? It doesn't count if your "friends and family" say you are gorgeous. You could look like a troll and many people whom like or love you will try to lift you up and tell you that you have some nice features. It doesn't count if other people call you good looking. Other people regularly say that to me; I know that I am nothing special. I have model friends who ARE legit stunning so yeah, having a few fans who say you're very attractive doesn't mean the masses find you beautiful.

 

There is no reason why a girl like me who is still finishing her college degree and doesn't have a successful career and is fairly average looking can get dates with decent enough men and the hot women cannot. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I have had guys who have jobs/were cute want to date me. Not only losers at all. Are you guys just saying it isn't fair that the guys that you want don't ask you on dates? Are you only feeling chemistry for guys who don't fancy you? Come on I am sure there are guy who ask you out that you deem "beneath you" due to being unemployed (yet looking hard for another job), who have big ears, who don't have a college degree but earn a decent living, nor are they academically minded yet are intelligent in their own ways.

 

Would you consider asking a totally objective third party to give you some insight as to why you are not desirable enough for men to want to date you?

 

 

 

I don't know, it just doesn't cross my mind that I will wait years to find a loving relationship?

 

I truly believe that SOME people are born with the ability to generate more chemistry and desirability than others. Average people who have dating chooses and who get dates. When their hotter friend cannot (and not because she is too intimidating either, that is rare that someone is THAT stunning).

 

I don't know about some of this stuff. Phoe is a quite attractive female, and if I remember correctly, she said she got 0 attention when living in a big Cali city.

 

People rate themselves too highly in the looks department? Why is it when people question whether they're ugly or not, the response is always to have confidence in your appearance? This seems to be circular logic except in the cases where you're shooting WAY out of your league.

 

You said you can't fathom waiting years to find a loving relationship, yet you did write that you've not pursued relationships with plenty of good-hearted men that would move mountains for you because that instantaneous passion was not present. Ever think that you may just have so many options that you can afford to be discriminate, while some are just hoping for a single chance?

 

In regards to chemistry and desirability. There are always outliers, so if some people are born to create attraction, conversely some will be born that cannot do it at all despite all their efforts. Maybe it's a pheromone, neurotransmitter thing? I'm not a human biologist so I have no idea. I'll look some stuff up though.

[somedude81]

In all honestly, I simply don't see why a genuinely pretty girl who is intelligent and has a great personality would be without ANY dates.

 

You are probably not that attractive. You are probably cute and all but come on, if you were THAT pretty and have such an amazing personality, why are you without any dates? Unless it was purely down to living in a small town and you not being the type to go out much. I know that happens. If you only go to work and the gym and never really venture out much, then yeah, even the most desirable, affable person would likely go a year or more without dates. You have to actually socialise at venues where the opposite sex is bound to be. OR try online dating to increase your odds.

 

People rate themselves too highly in the looks department. They think they are so pretty and desirable then they wonder why they cannot get any dates? It doesn't count if your "friends and family" say you are gorgeous. You could look like a troll and many people whom like or love you will try to lift you up and tell you that you have some nice features. It doesn't count if other people call you good looking. Other people regularly say that to me; I know that I am nothing special. I have model friends who ARE legit stunning so yeah, having a few fans who say you're very attractive doesn't mean the masses find you beautiful.

 

There is no reason why a girl like me who is still finishing her college degree and doesn't have a successful career and is fairly average looking can get dates with decent enough men and the hot women cannot. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I have had guys who have jobs/were cute want to date me. Not only losers at all. Are you guys just saying it isn't fair that the guys that you want don't ask you on dates? Are you only feeling chemistry for guys who don't fancy you? Come on I am sure there are guy who ask you out that you deem "beneath you" due to being unemployed (yet looking hard for another job), who have big ears, who don't have a college degree but earn a decent living, nor are they academically minded yet are intelligent in their own ways.

 

Would you consider asking a totally objective third party to give you some insight as to why you are not desirable enough for men to want to date you?

 

 

 

I don't know, it just doesn't cross my mind that I will wait years to find a loving relationship?

 

I truly believe that SOME people are born with the ability to generate more chemistry and desirability than others. Average people who have dating chooses and who get dates. When their hotter friend cannot (and not because she is too intimidating either, that is rare that someone is THAT stunning).

You make a great point, the same one I've been making for years

 

If a woman is cute and has a decent personality, she will get lots of positive male attention. Dating will not be hard.

 

The only real exception to this is if she's super quiet, then people might think that she's stuck up.

 

But a girl who is cute and bubbly, will never be single if she doesn't want to be.

[Leigh 87]

I don't know about some of this stuff. Phoe is a quite attractive female, and if I remember correctly, she said she got 0 attention when living in a big Cali city.

 

She has said she is a tom boy. I dress in sexy, retro dresses that are super feminine and I have very long hair which I wear out every day. I have great dress sense and can dress in comfort while also wearing super pretty feminine style clothes.

 

I wouldn't get dates if I had shorter hair and wore tom boy style clothes.

 

My dresses cover up my cleavage so that is not why I get dates either. Most dresses cover my knees.

 

People rate themselves too highly in the looks department? Why is it when people question whether they're ugly or not, the response is always to have confidence in your appearance? This seems to be circular logic except in the cases where you're shooting WAY out of your league.

 

To an extent confidence works...

 

I am plain but I at least have straight teeth and fairly clear skin plus I am in my late 20's.

 

Confidence and oozing sexuality through the retro/feminine way I dress and present myself, wouldn't work for someone who was hideous; I am plain so it works for me 100%.

 

You said you can't fathom waiting years to find a loving relationship, yet you did write that you've not pursued relationships with plenty of good-hearted men that would move mountains for you because that instantaneous passion was not present. Ever think that you may just have so many options that you can afford to be discriminate, while some are just hoping for a single chance?

 

Again, I am a plain Aussie gal who happens to have a nice smile. This last year I have developed a really feminine, retro dress sense and guys flock to it.

 

I do not have "so many options" the way a beauty queen does. Guys have told me I am instantly "different" and I have a "different" energy about me that they notice.

 

So it has nothing to do with looking pretty, since I AM NO beauty queen myself....you just have to be at least plain and your dress sense/sense of style, and the image you project can get you dates or land you with none.

 

In regards to chemistry and desirability. There are always outliers, so if some people are born to create attraction, conversely some will be born that cannot do it at all despite all their efforts. Maybe it's a pheromone, neurotransmitter thing? I'm not a human biologist so I have no idea. I'll look some stuff up though.

 

I believe with me it is a combination of factors. I have always been "different". I lived overseas and have travelled a LOT, and did so at a relatively young age.

 

I am also very socially conscious and guys tend to like kind girls.

 

Being "different", I have been told many times, has made a lot of guys take note of me. The "different" vibe I give out plus the fact I wear really feminine retro dresses most days and have a killer hand bag collection, and curves, get me dates.

 

I am not very pretty to most people. It is honestly down to the chemistry a person generates, which is probably down to your genes and biology, AND the environment in which you were raised.

 

So genes and environmental factors, in my opinion, seem like key determinants of the chemistry you can generate.

Edited May 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Leigh 87]

You make a great point, the same one I've been making for years

 

If a woman is cute and has a decent personality, she will get lots of positive male attention. Dating will not be hard.

 

The only real exception to this is if she's super quiet, then people might think that she's stuck up.

 

But a girl who is cute and bubbly, will never be single if she doesn't want to be.

 

Yep in most cases for sure.

 

I have a nice smile albeit I am no beauty queen, but hey, I am 27, I look okay and I am very friendly so I get dates.

 

It isn't hard for some people like me, yet my friend who is thinner than me, models and is a podiatrist (when I am still going through college), DOES NOT get the same male interest as I seem to generate.

 

I don't think it is because guys are intimidated by her either. She is BEAUTIFUL but no offence, she is not stunning enough for men to be intimidated.

 

She is positive and has a fun personality.

 

Hmmm, she is aloof and sort of stone cold for men.. she NEVER gets that giddy, crazy firework like feeling for men.

[salparadise]

Hmmm, she is aloof and sort of stone cold for men.. she NEVER gets that giddy, crazy firework like feeling for men.

 

Yes, she's not giving off the kind of energy that makes men feel motivated and safe to approach.

[somedude81]

Aloof and stone cold.

 

It doesn't matter how hot she is, men won't even bother with her.

[Leigh 87]

Aloof and stone cold.

 

It doesn't matter how hot she is, men won't even bother with her.

She is only 24 and she has been engaged twice so she has options at least.

 

One guy told her he wanted to partner swap so he could have sex with her friend.

 

The other guy cheated on her.

 

She is very loving and warm, she is from Belarus so when she met my boyfriend for the first time she gave him a hug and she always gives me and my bf a hug when she says hello and goodbye to us.

 

She is warm and lends me money when I have needed it. She is lovely, I am not sure why she comes across as cold, but she does:( at first glance sort of...

[Phoe]

It won't let me quote that quote.

 

Leigh, I am not a tomboy in looks. I am more a tomboy in the sense that I am sporty, athletic, love the outdoors, and am low maintenance.

 

 

My hair is long, halfway down my back, and I wear it down every day. I wear dresses maybe once or twice a week in the summer. And all my other clothes are well-fitted and show my shape.

 

 

It's as if you likened me to looking like a man or something. If you look at my photos you'll see that I'm not boyish. I'm not ultra feminine but I'm not manly...

[Leigh 87]

It won't let me quote that quote.

 

Leigh, I am not a tomboy in looks. I am more a tomboy in the sense that I am sporty, athletic, love the outdoors, and am low maintenance.

 

 

My hair is long, halfway down my back, and I wear it down every day. I wear dresses maybe once or twice a week in the summer. And all my other clothes are well-fitted and show my shape.

 

 

It's as if you likened me to looking like a man or something. If you look at my photos you'll see that I'm not boyish. I'm not ultra feminine but I'm not manly...

 

 

LOL I certainly never thought you looked the least bit "manly":lmao:

 

I got the impression that you may have not dressed very feminine but now you have clarified it, so your lack of dating options is obviously not down to the tom boy thing after all.

 

You have to admit it is a little baffling that a non active out of shape curvy gal like me who is no better looking than you gets dates in a smaller city than you?

 

It has to be down to the ... subconscious way people come across, it has to be since there are not logical explanations.

 

More and more, I am thinking it has a lot to do with biology/genetics and the environment in which you were brought up. SOMETHING about you was hindering you from getting asked out/dates. It isn't to do with looks or personality, both of which you have in spades.

[somedude81]

She is only 24 and she has been engaged twice so she has options at least.

 

One guy told her he wanted to partner swap so he could have sex with her friend.

 

The other guy cheated on her.

 

She is very loving and warm, she is from Belarus so when she met my boyfriend for the first time she gave him a hug and she always gives me and my bf a hug when she says hello and goodbye to us.

 

She is warm and lends me money when I have needed it. She is lovely, I am not sure why she comes across as cold, but she does:( at first glance sort of...

That seems pretty odd. So some guys have manged to get past the cold.

 

Has she had a lot of trouble with dating or just some bad cases?

[somedude81]

It won't let me quote that quote.

 

Leigh, I am not a tomboy in looks. I am more a tomboy in the sense that I am sporty, athletic, love the outdoors, and am low maintenance.

 

 

My hair is long, halfway down my back, and I wear it down every day. I wear dresses maybe once or twice a week in the summer. And all my other clothes are well-fitted and show my shape.

 

 

It's as if you likened me to looking like a man or something. If you look at my photos you'll see that I'm not boyish. I'm not ultra feminine but I'm not manly...

Phoe, how sociable would you say you are? Is your personality more quiet or are you bubbly and open?

 

I know you've often described yourself as acting like tomboy but also nerdy.

[Leigh 87]

That seems pretty odd. So some guys have manged to get past the cold.

 

Has she had a lot of trouble with dating or just some bad cases?

 

 

 

Yep one guy she dated last year she didn't feel a spark with instantly but she gave him a go anyways. She ended up really falling for him after a month or so and then he dumped her and started dating overweight/unattractive women.

 

He kept wanting to meet up with her after to talk about his new sex life with his new gf:rolleyes:

 

The most recent guy is a fellow church goer, as the first guy was, and he doesn't date unless he thinks the relationship would have long term potential.

 

He flirted with my friend and gave mixed signals, before declaring that he is more into Asians.

 

Both were average looking dudes. She is well above average. And they know it?!

[Bruce Leigh]

Point being, attractive girls make unexpectedly bold moves occasionally, and they should be well rewarded for their efforts.

 

The bold moves are easy to spot, the not so bold ones are harder to read to read no doubt.

I used to ask my friends to slap me if i didn't realize a girl was hitting on me.

Got a few slaps and a few strange looks too

[Phoe]

in a smaller city than you?

 

How small of a city are you in? I live in a really small desert town

 

 

Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting

 

 

That's my drive from my house to the boyfriend's house.

 

 

In SoCal most statistics will tell you there are more males than females, but I've found the opposite is true here. Definitely more females. I don't know many single men here.

 

 

I'm sure this location is less than ideal for me, but I did also struggle in different locations. There's still more that I suck at haha.

 

Phoe, how sociable would you say you are? Is your personality more quiet or are you bubbly and open?

 

I know you've often described yourself as acting like tomboy but also nerdy.

 

 

I'm more quiet around strangers, I'm naturally introverted, but I smile. I'm just not super talkative. But I am always smiling, making eye contact, being polite, perhaps saying hello to people, but not much more.

 

 

Around friends I am more bubbly and open up a lot more. I'm a dork and a goober around friends haha.

 

 

Nerdy and tomboy have always fit me. Sporty, athletic, was always running around with the boys playing sports and getting dirty, while also being a bookworm and total geek.

 

 

I think the nerdy tomboy thing made it so that guys were quick to be happily friends with me, but not to date me.

[Phoe]

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if me smiling at strangers is offputting.

 

I probably look more like a demented serial killer than a warm and friendly girl LOL

[Babolat]

Ugh, I relate. Sometimes I'm afraid that my emotional injuries from childhood are going to prevent me from finding a healthy, lasting love. And then I'll just have to live with that

Ugh times two, same here. I struggle with if I should even be trying and breaking hearts along the way.

[Babolat]

I think I'm too boring for guys, honestly. They want the drama, and the excitement that these psychos come with.

My female best friend and I say this all the time, as recent as this weekend. We are single, there is no drama in our lives, but almost as soon as we meet someone, poof, there is drama, and it's always theirs and we are trying to figure it all out!

 

Her and I get along amazingly well, no drama, we are best friends. My best guess is it's because...we don't date!

[Babolat]

How small of a city are you in? I live in a really small desert town

 

 

Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting

 

 

That's my drive from my house to the boyfriend's house.

 

 

In SoCal most statistics will tell you there are more males than females, but I've found the opposite is true here. Definitely more females. I don't know many single men here.

 

 

I'm sure this location is less than ideal for me, but I did also struggle in different locations. There's still more that I suck at haha.

 

 

 

 

I'm more quiet around strangers, I'm naturally introverted, but I smile. I'm just not super talkative. But I am always smiling, making eye contact, being polite, perhaps saying hello to people, but not much more.

 

 

Around friends I am more bubbly and open up a lot more. I'm a dork and a goober around friends haha.

 

 

Nerdy and tomboy have always fit me. Sporty, athletic, was always running around with the boys playing sports and getting dirty, while also being a bookworm and total geek.

 

 

I think the nerdy tomboy thing made it so that guys were quick to be happily friends with me, but not to date me.

 

Yikes, you do live in the desert!

 

You should take one of the many online Myers Briggs Personality Type tests. You sound a lot like me, Introverted (80%), Extroverted (20%), a Thinker, Logical, etc. I'm ISTJ.

 

A lot of the ENFP types describe to me what you say, lots of male friends growing up, men really don't approach them now, and they have male friends.

[Phoe]

Yikes, you do live in the desert!

 

You should take one of the many online Myers Briggs Personality Type tests. You sound a lot like me, Introverted (80%), Extroverted (20%), a Thinker, Logical, etc. I'm ISTJ.

 

A lot of the ENFP types describe to me what you say, lots of male friends growing up, men really don't approach them now, and they have male friends.

 

Yep, middle of nowhere!

 

 

I'm an INTJ (which I guess is rare for women?)

 

 

The link below really does describe me quite well.

 

 

INTJ personality | 16 Personality Types

[Ruby Slippers]

Ugh times two, same here. I struggle with if I should even be trying and breaking hearts along the way.

No wonder we get each other so well

 

I think I'm getting better, though. What I'm realizing is that my worst habit is believing too much in potential, rather than going on the cold, hard facts. I've always been a dreamer and idealist - though with maturity I'm growing more pragmatic. Now I'm much smarter about conserving my risk-taking energies only for very good bets.

[somedude81]

Yep one guy she dated last year she didn't feel a spark with instantly but she gave him a go anyways. She ended up really falling for him after a month or so and then he dumped her and started dating overweight/unattractive women.

 

He kept wanting to meet up with her after to talk about his new sex life with his new gf:rolleyes:

 

The most recent guy is a fellow church goer, as the first guy was, and he doesn't date unless he thinks the relationship would have long term potential.

 

He flirted with my friend and gave mixed signals, before declaring that he is more into Asians.

 

Both were average looking dudes. She is well above average. And they know it?!

That's pretty weird. Some guys just get really dumb with women.

 

Though I think it's really cool that she gave a guy a chance and ended up falling for him. I wish more women would do that.

[somedude81]

How small of a city are you in? I live in a really small desert town

 

 

Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting

 

 

That's my drive from my house to the boyfriend's house.

Have you considered getting a camel? They get very good gas mileage and are a lot cheaper to insure then cars.

 

 

In SoCal most statistics will tell you there are more males than females, but I've found the opposite is true here. Definitely more females. I don't know many single men here.

That's because men leave most of the small towns and go to the bigger cities to find work, higher paying jobs. Women, such as yourself don't really leave the cities they grew up in, unless they go away with a guy.

 

I actually thought about moving to a smaller town to meet more women to date, but I have doubts about what kind of job I can do and how much I'd get paid. Plus I don't know if I'd want to live in Agrabah

 

This is my commute to school

 

Well, not exactly but I'm sure you get my point

 

 

 

 

 

I'm more quiet around strangers, I'm naturally introverted, but I smile. I'm just not super talkative. But I am always smiling, making eye contact, being polite, perhaps saying hello to people, but not much more.

 

 

Around friends I am more bubbly and open up a lot more. I'm a dork and a goober around friends haha.

How much do you talk when a strange man tries to make conversation with you? How much did you talk to guys when you are in college? Do you think you may have come across as awkward?

 

It's good that you are always smiling. It's a very good sign that a girl is open and friendly, even if she's quiet.

Nerdy and tomboy have always fit me. Sporty, athletic, was always running around with the boys playing sports and getting dirty, while also being a bookworm and total geek.

 

 

I think the nerdy tomboy thing made it so that guys were quick to be happily friends with me, but not to date me.

I have absolutely no idea why guys didn't want to date you up until now.

 

A nerdy tomboy girl sounds amazing. And if she's willing to girl it up it up too every now and then with makeup and dresses. That's perfect.

 

I used to have a huge crush on a girl who was nerdy and tomboyish, but she hated the girl side of her and almost tried to pretend that she wasn't a girl. Unfortunately because of that, she was completely against dating. As far as I know she graduated college without ever having a boyfriend and a was virgin, and that was completely her choice.