Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) I certainly do not want to be propositioned by men and my body language when I am out does not say that I am open to being approached. And I also do not go to inappropriate places. From what some of you are implying, you'd think I was hitting up the singles clubs, the bars, or trying to flag down cars on the street. lol. I'm at the grocery store, the shopping mall, or walking home from work. Men approach me, find out I am married, and then proceed to proposition me. They are not deterred by the fact that I am married. I'm not misinterpreting their intent, either. When they find out that I am married, they do not back off. My sister experienced a man approaching her and handing her his phone number and telling her to call him as soon as her husband left to go to the men's room. I'd certainly call that propositioning a person. Or the woman who gives an inordinate amount of attention to my sister's husband, makes every effort to sit by him at their group's functions, and follows him around the room wherever he goes. She knows he's married. He has given her no signals of interest, and is no more friendly to her than to any man or woman in that group, but she is attracted, so she makes her interest known. He has had to be very cold to her to try to get her to back off, either totally ignoring her or giving very brief and cold responses to her attempts to engage him in interaction. At first, when my sister mentioned her concerns about this woman, I also tried to say to her that maybe she's just interested in befriending them as a couple, or maybe she behaves that way to the other men in the group also, but no, this woman follows him around like a puppy dog, trying to corner him in the room as soon as he leaves my sister's side, and always makes sure she sits in the seat right next to him, has started to dress up quite a bit more than she used to at these functions, and goes way overboard with enthusiastic greatings to him. This is not exaggeration by his wife or by me. I know what you mean. My husband is exceptionally good looking with a fantastic body and the more he ignores women, the more they want him. He will look angry with sunglasses on looking at his phone and they still approach him. I don't know what attraction vibe he is sending...except it seems like please leave me alone, I'm busy. I see it from afar and think I would never approach a man who looked at me with such contempt, but that seems to not faze them. I think it is a challenge for some women to go after men who are married or who don't act interested. I think it is hard for people who aren't extremely attractive and who have never had to deal a with this to think it is somehow your fault. You and your husband are just really attractive and probably a challenge because you don't seem to be interested. Some people can never understand. I get attention but I am the queen of the float by, which is saying something really inaudible while getting around them like I am in a hurry. My husband just walks off. Edited May 13, 2014 by Smilecharmer Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I think it is hard for people who aren't extremely attractive and who have never had to deal a with this to think it is somehow your fault. You Are Less Beautiful Than You Think - Scientific American Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You Are Less Beautiful Than You Think - Scientific American I love this campaign. I had not read this before and it a great article. If I do this, think I'm prettier than I am, it means I love myself and am well balanced. That is better than being beautiful anyway. Thanks for reminding me of my great self esteem. I'm so happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 That's a bit ridiculous now is it? I know plenty of beautiful people who are not constantly approached, propositioned or otherwise bothered with unwanted sexual attention. I also think it isn't that black and white correlated to physical attractiveness - you make it sound as if not being showered in attention means you are some kind of hunch-backed leper. There's also the problem that the cool, uninterested guy attitude (:cool:) seems to get the exact opposite reaction than you'd expect - given that he's indeed attractive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) That's a bit ridiculous now is it? I know plenty of beautiful people who are not constantly approached, propositioned or otherwise bothered with unwanted sexual attention. I also think it isn't that black and white correlated to physical attractiveness - you make it sound as if not being showered in attention means you are some kind of hunch-backed leper. There's also the problem that the cool, uninterested guy attitude (:cool:) seems to get the exact opposite reaction than you'd expect - given that he's indeed attractive. I didn't say constantly....but it happens to people even if they don't want it sometimes. This thread is about being propositioned (I assume for sex) and I have veered off topic by including flirting and being casually approached, so I apologize. Sorry, OP for getting OT. Taken men who are nice looking are probably never approached either, just sharing my experiences with Kathy. Edited May 13, 2014 by Smilecharmer Had to get back On Topic. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I didn't say constantly....but it happens to people even if they don't want it sometimes. Yeah, well nobody argued against that. But did you not in post #26 put the cause for this attention (in the two mentioned cases) completely on attractiveness and 'acting not interested'? Not only do I think that's just simply not true (because it's more complicated than that) - it's also a bit harsh. Are you just basically telling the OP that his answer is that he would understand if he would have been more attractive...? This thread is about being propositioned Actually it's about not being propositioned but ok. Ananas/pinapple 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Yeah, well nobody argued against that. But did you not in post #26 put the cause for this attention (in the two mentioned cases) completely on attractiveness and 'acting not interested'? Not only do I think that's just simply not true (because it's more complicated than that) - it's also a bit harsh. Are you just basically telling the OP that his answer is that he would understand if he would have been more attractive...? Actually it's about not being propositioned but ok. Ananas/pinapple I didn't mean to be harsh. It is probably more complicated than that....I was just commenting on variables that were the same such as attractiveness and not wanting the attention. You are right and I was wrong. I should have said...sometimes people will approach others based on attractiveness, and that some people won't understand this but it does happen. I was mean. I'm sorry, OP, I am a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Don't take it that bad - it's just a bit poorly formulated I guess. If anyone is an insensitive jackass on this board it's me. It's just that it's okay for people to say that because they are attractive they are being approached - but when we start to consider the implication of that - you are not being approached because you are not attractive then all of a sudden it's needed to search for alternative explanation to avoid this conclusion. This is not per se something that you are doing, Smilecharmer, but something I've noticed all the time in these kind of threads. And I don't understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Don't take it that bad - it's just a bit poorly formulated I guess. If anyone is an insensitive jackass on this board it's me. It's just that it's okay for people to say that because they are attractive they are being approached - but when we start to consider the implication of that - you are not being approached because you are not attractive then all of a sudden it's needed to search for alternative explanation to avoid this conclusion. This is not per se something that you are doing, Smilecharmer, but something I've noticed all the time in these kind of threads. And I don't understand it. I still should have been more sensitive and made sure I was clear this is just my very limited opinion based on similar variables I read in Kathy's post. I'm sure there are many people who don't get approached who are very nice looking and who are wonderful people. I just think the idea that people put out a vibe that they want to approached doesn't always ring true for some of us. Maybe those who aren't approached are good at deflecting...I don't know why my husband has gotten approached when he clearly does everything to deflect these women that he can do besides carry me around like a shied (wouldn't that be funny, smile charmer, the human shield?) It is clear that he is not interested, but you are right, it is always more complicated than we can sometimes understand. I'm really not a mean person, and can't believe I wrote something so offensive when the OP is clearly struggling with wondering why he isn't approached. It wasn't very nice of me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I almost feel bad for bringing this up. Your response is very considerate and forthcoming. Most people rather cut of their own thumb than concede. It it's any consolation the OP has a history of bringing up these kind of topics so I highly doubt he'll see anything new. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 It's an opinion a lot of people have and probably the root cause behind why so many exaggerate and lie about their experiences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I almost feel bad for bringing this up. Your response is very considerate and forthcoming. Most people rather cut of their own thumb than concede. It it's any consolation the OP has a history of bringing up these kind of topics so I highly doubt he'll see anything new. I conceded your point because you are correct. “Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. ” ― C.G. Jung I knew it felt wrong to write and should have listened to my own conscience. You actually validated what I myself should have caught. Thank you for being so good hearted. I would much rather be kind than prideful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 My H SWORE women never approached him, looked at him, propositioned him, etc. until I pointed out that they indeed were. It's possible the OP simply doesn't notice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I knew a girl who did some modeling a few years ago and every time she would go out in public she made sure to not make eye contact with anyone and always had her ear phones on. Ended up meeting almost every boyfriend online because she would never get approached in public. Even though she rode the subway to work everyday. I purposely try not to make eye contact and try to have closed off body language, and for the most part, people get the message, but there's always some guy who won't take the hint. How does the conversation with these guys even get to the point where they find out you're married? You can't be one of these women that thinks they come up to you just to be friendly. Example: Walking down the street, minding my own business, not looking anyone in the eye. Guy walks up along side of me and says, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I keep walking, he follows and says "You have really beautiful legs". (I'm wearing a business suit). "Could I take you out sometime?" I look him in the eye, keep walking, and say "My husband would not appreciate that." He says "Oh, you're married. Are you happily married?" I say "Yes, very happily married" while still walking to my car, not stopping, and trying to walk faster away. He follows and says "If you weren't happily married, I'd take you out to dinner." This is one example of many I could give. I have learned to totally ignore strangers who try to talk to me on the street. But I still have to deal with strangers who come to sit or stand next to me in public places, such as the bench at the mall, or the line at the grocery store, or people I have to do business with. I'm not really talking about the exceptionally crazy person that you can run into now and then. It's about attention in general. When a man comes up to me in the grocery store to "ask a question about the grocery", I usually don't even look at the guy, and just say "I don't know", and he gets the hint and goes away. Sometimes they don't go away, and continue to try to engage me in conversation. I keep my answers minimal and show disinterest. Some men do not take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 And that's probably a conversation he could have de-sexified at any time before she started dropping hints. By simply sending out the right vibe. You don't even have to be rude or standoffish. Usually being very polite but formal and boring works wonders. At least with women. He was polite and formal. She still dropped the hints. Some women are bold, gaius. They go after what they want, and they don't consider a guy's marital status to be a deterrant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodOnPaper Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 I didn't mean to be harsh. It is probably more complicated than that....I was just commenting on variables that were the same such as attractiveness and not wanting the attention. You are right and I was wrong. I should have said...sometimes people will approach others based on attractiveness, and that some people won't understand this but it does happen. I was mean. I'm sorry, OP, I am a jerk. Don't give it a second thought. By no means was any offense taken. On the one hand, my life is too full to be dealing with women approaching me or otherwise be flirting with them, etc. On the other hand, I went into my relationship with my wife at the most emotional low point of my life and have never been able to shake the insecurities and esteem blows that defined my singlehood. I feel I need to somehow make up (at least in a mental/emotional sense) for how inept I was/am when it comes to women, but being able to just let it go would be even better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodOnPaper Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 My H SWORE women never approached him, looked at him, propositioned him, etc. until I pointed out that they indeed were. It's possible the OP simply doesn't notice. That argument's put out there a lot to those of us with "nice guy" issues. When we think we are so hypersensitive to anything that a woman within 100 feet of us is doing, saying, gesturing, etc., it's hard to believe that we might be missing signals of interest. On the other hand, if poker can be a guide, tells are much more obvious to a disinterested third party than to someone who is playing the hand and very emotionally invested. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 So what are you going to do to fix your self-esteem? Personally I think it's a bad idea to put that responsibility in the hands of random persons but that's just my 0.02€. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I suppose it depends. Sometimes you can't tell upon meeting someone that he's in a committed relationship. I knew a guy for a few years. We always joked & flirted when we were together. He never wore a wedding ring. I sent out all sorts of signals that I wanted him to ask me out. Knowing he's an avid golfer one day I had an extra spot in a charity foresome so I called him & asked if he would like to play. He politely declined because he was already playing in a different foresome at the same event but told me to meet him at the 19th hole. It wasn't until about 6 months later that I found out he had a steady GF the whole time. Usually if I did flirt with somebody not knowing he was taken & he informed me of his status, I'd say something like "oh she's a lucky girl", wrap up my conversation & move on. A few male buddies of mine call their wedding rings, the Ring Of Power because certain women make a sport out of seducing married men. My own husband will admit that he gets hit on now more then he did when he was single. (I submit he's a bit more savvy now & missed it 1/2 the time when women hit on him before until I pointed it out to him lol) Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodOnPaper Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 So what are you going to do to fix your self-esteem? I've been trying to figure that out for a long time. The usual routine is staying busy and chipping away at it bit-by-bit -- eventually I will be through the mid-life crisis years. I've been in a running/fitness kick the last few months, and that's been good. It's not like I have the guts to flirt with or try anything more with another woman. Reading the other thread, I just had a does-a-tree-make-a-sound-when-it-falls-with-no-one-around moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 How many girls approach guys divided by how many guys are taken = your answer. There's going to be a large proportion of girls that don't know if your taken, or married, or dating or whatever. and then on top of that there's the ones who just don't care Obviously you don't get propositioned by 10 girls a day or anything, but it happens! Waiter did that to my fiancée when I got up to move the car or something, we were out at dinner with my family and everything. Crazy! I certainly don't give of vibes to girls - but im a friendly guy, im friendly to strangers and colleagues and what have you - i'm not gonna start being grumpy to folks just cause im in a relationship - im very capable of saying "no!" A guy did this on my WEDDING NIGHT!!! I was sitting on a couch with our friends around me, not in my dress any longer but hair and make still on and this younger guy just plops down next to me and compliments me and asks me to get a drink with him!?! Well color me stunned as that doesn't normally happen. My new husband popped up from the next couch over and was coming over when I set this kid straight. I was completely flabbergasted and assumed the guy was intoxicated. I had not spoken to him or even noticed him prior to him sitting down next to him. I am actually not comfortable being hit on and make sure to give off very unapproachable vibes. It just isn't my thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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