Finally, fog has been lifted (update)

[movingon45]

My back story: I had an affair with my ExMM who was also my first and only college bf before my husband. My ExMM and I were on and off in college because he was always busy earning a living to pay for college and honestly he was a struggling artist whom I caught taking drugs twice. I broke off with him and then I met my husband that I thought was my knight in shining armor. My husband and I had nothing in common and I basically just married him for convenience. My ExMM and I were both poor.

 

My husband has ED due to cancer when he was 14 that he didn't tell me directly (I just found out when he finally had sperm test after 10 years which came out negative - he can't produce sperms) and diabetes much later. We only had penetrative sex for one year. Been married for 20 years. I was a virgin wife so I had no idea what to expect and what I was missing.

 

When my ExMM and I met for grade school class reunion 5 years ago, he was now a very successful artist and he quickly texted me a lot and after 3 years the texting became sexting and we had PA 3 times. Sex was great and I realized what I was missing. I tried to end it many times, but I get sucked back in. I thought that we were soul mates, texting every day sometimes for an hour or two straight. In contrast to my husband, my ExMM and I have a lot of things in common and being an artist he is very romantic with his words and music. He once sent me his composition on guitar.

 

After about 2-3 years of on and off affair (no future faking, no promises, purely unfinished business on his part and for me I just wanted sex and attention) I finally decided to end it once and for all after I realized that the more I communicate with him the more he made me realize that I chose the wrong guy. He'd give me advice even with my sexual life with my husband. I'd feel miserable after our texts because by some stroke of coincidence whatever I'm feeling frustrated about with my husband, my ExMM would text that he is doing it. For ex, I'd feel frustrated that my husband still won't buy that shelf. Then my ExMM would text that he's building a shelf for his family etc etc.

 

Knowing about my sexless marriage, my ExMM mentioned an article written by a famous sex therapist. I then saw this therapist 3 times and she made me realize that I was just in a fog and maybe my ExMM was consciously or subconsciously in an A with me for revenge because I chose my husband over him. She made me realize a lot of things and slowly I began to see the pattern and see my ExMM for what he really is. She told me that he can't be my friend and adviser.

 

For the first time after my therapy sessions I didn't feel the urge to text him anymore. That went on for 2 weeks and I really thought I was over him until last week when I saw his wife and daughter in a theater. I saw his back towards me. I texted him later after that saying that hey I saw your wife and daughter at the restroom in the theater hahaha. He didn't respond. The following day I received a call from him but there was nothing on the other end. It usually happened before that he'd press my number by mistake. That was probably it.

 

So here I am now back to new hurts because my ExMM didn't respond to my text. I have since bought sex toys so that my husband can penetrate me somewhat but of course it's not the same thing.

 

I don't want my ExMM back because I know that there's no future and I really feel hurt because he has a perfect family and that whatever I want he has. My husband is no longer earning much in contrast and I now earn more than him. The reason for getting married is no longer there!

 

However, I still miss my ExMM. My therapist said that it will take a long time for me to get over this but it will come. It has been 1 week since my last text that was not answered.

 

Just sharing an update. Venting. Thanks for reading.

[Soverysad123]

Stay strong. You can do this. Have lots of positive thoughts. Time heals.

 

So sorry that you are hurting.

 

Well done on having some counselling.

[movingon45]

Thanks for the kinds words and for taking the time to read. I wanted to keep it short, but it quickly became one of those long posts that I myself don't want to read!

 

My therapist ended my last session with the thought of me deciding whether to stay in my marriage or to leave knowing that I'm still attractive, in my 40's, and can still meet someone. I don't know. I was resigned to my sexless marriage until I met my ExMM again.

[DKT3]

Leaving your marriage shouldn't be about having a future with the other man, it should be about finding in life what you want and need. If its not your husband then he deserve a chance to find someone who loves him. Sadly for him he is married to a woman who thinks he has nothing to offer because his earning have been stable for 20 years.

 

Let him go, its clear you neither love or respect him. Then you can both find someone, its not fair that you have someone yet your like an anchor on him.

[movingon45]

I do realize that I met my karma so my therapist could be right that my exMM could be doing it for revenge whether he's aware of it or not. During our reunion he bought a new flashy car.

 

If there's one lesson I learned here is that one should not marry for the wrong reason.

 

However, my H is not entirely blameless here either. I do own the wrong that I have committed.

[DKT3]

I do realize that I met my karma so my therapist could be right that my exMM could be doing it for revenge whether he's aware of it or not. During our reunion he bought a new flashy car.

 

If there's one lesson I learned here is that one should not marry for the wrong reason.

 

However, my H is not entirely blameless here either. I do own the wrong that I have committed.

 

Unless he put the other man's p in your v he is blameless in this situation