After the affair, what meaning does your rings hold?

[beach]

I say ons because it was in my mind two different things. We had sex then didn't speak for a long time. Then we started back up as friends which lead to an EA the PA back to EA. At the time I lumped it all together. In IC I came to understand I in fact cheated on DKT twice first with the one night stand then with the A. Being with the same man doesn't make it different.

 

Ok good. I'm trying to see if you can be COMPLETELY honest with us.

 

A ONE night stand is ONE time.

 

So please don't call it that again.

 

In trying to CHASE your truth I went back to your other thread - which stated with twists and turns that it was at least 8 times sex with him.

 

I think if your relationship with DK is to grow - it may be more useful not to make your truth so difficult to obtain.

 

Just state what's real - no BS around it - no fluff - just the obvious truth, ok?

 

 

So when someone says how long and how many times just state - almost two years and at least 8 times. Make no bones about it - it makes it easier for the betrayed one when you OFFER HONESTY that doesn't need to be deciphered!

 

I'm here to help - it may not seem so - but communicating clearly and concisely may help both of you.

 

Have you read the book the four agreements? By Ruiz - I think it may help both of you to grow together.

[Buckeye2]

Ok good. I'm trying to see if you can be COMPLETELY honest with us. A ONE night stand is ONE time. So please don't call it that again.

 

 

I don’t want to beat a dead horse here but Lovin has been extremely honest. Her description of an ONS that turned into an affair is the most accurate.

 

 

She was mad a DKT3 for being away from home so much for work. When he called to say that he missed his flight and wouldn’t be home until the next day it was the final straw. She went out and found a guy to scr@w.

 

 

Then she didn’t see him for some time. That is an ONS. He wasn’t a friend she had been lusting after. The OM must have thought he won the lottery it was so easy to pick her up.

 

 

I described it as an ONS myself on another thread.

 

 

You seem to be hung up on it being one time as the only criteria. Let’s say that a guy picks up a woman in a bar and they have sex. Then a year later he’s in a bar trying to pick up women and he happens to get the same woman. I think the best description of that is two one night stands.

[Fluttershy]

OP don't worry about thos ethat dictate how you can or cannot post. I and I am sure others got what you meant. You were relating the events as they unfolded. You had a ONS then later an affair with the same person. It is liek when people have a ONS that becomes a marriage. Doesn't change the fact that at the time it was a ONS.

[beach]

I don’t want to beat a dead horse here but Lovin has been extremely honest. Her description of an ONS that turned into an affair is the most accurate.

 

 

She was mad a DKT3 for being away from home so much for work. When he called to say that he missed his flight and wouldn’t be home until the next day it was the final straw. She went out and found a guy to scr@w.

 

 

Then she didn’t see him for some time. That is an ONS. He wasn’t a friend she had been lusting after. The OM must have thought he won the lottery it was so easy to pick her up.

 

 

I described it as an ONS myself on another thread.

 

 

You seem to be hung up on it being one time as the only criteria. Let’s say that a guy picks up a woman in a bar and they have sex. Then a year later he’s in a bar trying to pick up women and he happens to get the same woman. I think the best description of that is two one night stands.

 

He was in their social circle.

 

After the first time - then months passed - then she continued seeing him for an extended time and stated that they had sex about 8 times.

 

That doesn't classify as a one night stand.

[Buckeye2]

He was in their social circle.

 

After the first time - then months passed - then she continued seeing him for an extended time and stated that they had sex about 8 times.

 

That doesn't classify as a one night stand.

 

 

 

"she continued seeing him for an extended time and stated that they had sex about 8 times." Yes, that part is called an affair. Everyone agrees on that.

[lovinDKT3]

Ok good. I'm trying to see if you can be COMPLETELY honest with us.

 

A ONE night stand is ONE time.

 

So please don't call it that again.

 

In trying to CHASE your truth I went back to your other thread - which stated with twists and turns that it was at least 8 times sex with him.

 

I think if your relationship with DK is to grow - it may be more useful not to make your truth so difficult to obtain.

 

Just state what's real - no BS around it - no fluff - just the obvious truth, ok?

 

 

So when someone says how long and how many times just state - almost two years and at least 8 times. Make no bones about it - it makes it easier for the betrayed one when you OFFER HONESTY that doesn't need to be deciphered!

 

I'm here to help - it may not seem so - but communicating clearly and concisely may help both of you.

 

Have you read the book the four agreements? By Ruiz - I think it may help both of you to grow together.

 

In all honesty the ONS could have been with any number of guys that was there that night, I was in a bad place. Had it been with another guy I'm not sure that the affair with OM wouldn't have still happened.

 

It took me a long time to get to that truth, so respectfully I have to disagree with you. There was a ONS and then there was an affair they are two totally different things.

 

I have read tons of books over the years, putting those words into actions aren't as simple has just reading and doing.

 

Im a work in progress, we are making our way thru this. I'm trying here. He tells me I'm doing a great job, and that is all that should matter. But I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and not make a mistake. Maybe asking him to wait on the rings was a mistake. He says he would like to do this, but its my ring. At the end of the day I will do what he wants. I only asked that he think about it.

[Owl6118]

DKT told me yesterday we will deal with rings when the time is right, and as suggested by a poster we talked about a commitment ring.

 

If you do this, post a picture. It would make me very, very happy for both of you.

[gettingstronger]

Maybe this will help. Someone once said that marriage after infidelity is like a broken mirror. You can not put it back together but you can scoop up the pieces and make a beautiful mosaic out of them. The original mirror looks different but it's still the same mirror in its new incarnation. So if you look at your rings that way maybe you can understand what your husband is trying to do.

[atreides]

He says he would like to do this, but its my ring. At the end of the day I will do what he wants. I only asked that he think about it.

 

As i was saying to DKT, the rings held meaning in the beginning as a M from the both of you. You wearing them for a period of time up until his request in my opinion was hope. Which i posted, that if he held no meaning to the ring that it was all on you, your hope. However, what you two create from here is again the both of you.

 

In short, i hope to see in the future that the thinking behind saying "my ring" be seen as "our ring"

[drifter777]

I have to say I don't understand why you'd stay in the marriage? You share no intimacy and sleep in separate rooms, so I would wonder why stay married? Not trying to put you on the spot, just curious. The only reason I can think of for you to stay would be if you have kids.

When a person gets older their minds often close to the option of starting over. They want a companion - even if that companion isn't all they want them to be. As long as the SO is also trying to make life better for the both of you then, what the hell? Might as well stay married for the tax benefits and the extra social security. Two people in one household can live a LOT cheaper than they can in two separate ones. As you near retirement things like this get a lot more important than young people can imagine. It really gets down this: for many of us companionship and financial security are much more important than dumping our former WS to punish them and "free" ourselves. Life is hard; and it's not quite as hard with a partner.

[Trustnoone]

Lovin

 

My WW had, an affair for six months. WW and OM "made out" two to three times a week during this six months. WW groped OM during these make out sessions and was shocked I asked her to not wear the ring after I discovered this information. The ring on her finger was a testament to my vows, my love, my commitment to her. I took these vows, love, and commitment to heart and never imagined she was capable of such destruction. WW never once thought of me during these six months. However, while having sex with OM she admitted looking at her ring! WW says that afterwards she felt guilty! She wore my testament to her, touching OM, have sex with OM, and is shocked I told her

to stop wearing the ring! Think about that, my testament being rubbed on OM. I will never be able to convey to my WW or you how this made me feel. I triggered just seeing the ring and do to this day.

 

I recanted after about a month because the ring is MY testament to her. My vows, love, and commitment were not broken. She broke this with her ring to me. I don't wear my ring due to this fact. I will never slide that ring on my finger again, it is tarnished beyond any "cleaning".

 

I will share with you that what my WW did to me devastated to my very core. I became depressed and wanted to die. How could the woman I love tear my heart from my chest, throw it on the floor, and kick it aside without any feeling? As for her feeling guilty, I know this to be a lie. How you ask? Very simple, her lips moved. Also add to the fact she had sex the second time four months later. I share this with you in the hopes that you fully understand the beliefs behind your rings and the pain and devastation caused to your BH.

 

I am less than five months from b-day and chose reconciliation. I am a man of strong beliefs and commitment. My vows to her were for better or for worse. This is worse. I fight each and every day for reconciliation as does she. I won't lie and say I haven't thought of divorce either. You have a second chance on the table in front of you, I only hope you are successful as you seem to understand the damage to a certain degree.

[lovinDKT3]

Lovin

 

My WW had, an affair for six months. WW and OM "made out" two to three times a week during this six months. WW groped OM during these make out sessions and was shocked I asked her to not wear the ring after I discovered this information. The ring on her finger was a testament to my vows, my love, my commitment to her. I took these vows, love, and commitment to heart and never imagined she was capable of such destruction. WW never once thought of me during these six months. However, while having sex with OM she admitted looking at her ring! WW says that afterwards she felt guilty! She wore my testament to her, touching OM, have sex with OM, and is shocked I told her

to stop wearing the ring! Think about that, my testament being rubbed on OM. I will never be able to convey to my WW or you how this made me feel. I triggered just seeing the ring and do to this day.

 

I recanted after about a month because the ring is MY testament to her. My vows, love, and commitment were not broken. She broke this with her ring to me. I don't wear my ring due to this fact. I will never slide that ring on my finger again, it is tarnished beyond any "cleaning".

 

I will share with you that what my WW did to me devastated to my very core. I became depressed and wanted to die. How could the woman I love tear my heart from my chest, throw it on the floor, and kick it aside without any feeling? As for her feeling guilty, I know this to be a lie. How you ask? Very simple, her lips moved. Also add to the fact she had sex the second time four months later. I share this with you in the hopes that you fully understand the beliefs behind your rings and the pain and devastation caused to your BH.

 

I am less than five months from b-day and chose reconciliation. I am a man of strong beliefs and commitment. My vows to her were for better or for worse. This is worse. I fight each and every day for reconciliation as does she. I won't lie and say I haven't thought of divorce either. You have a second chance on the table in front of you, I only hope you are successful as you seem to understand the damage to a certain degree.

 

I'm sorry for you pain.

 

The ring DKT was his commitment to me. He stayed faithful and loyal to me so I continued to wear my ring after the A and even after the divorce. I understood my he removed his ring, it was a broken promise, I was unfaithful and would never even suggest he wears his ring again. I would be excited if he did but I don't expect him to, ever to be honest.

[drifter777]

I am less than five months from b-day and chose reconciliation. I am a man of strong beliefs and commitment. My vows to her were for better or for worse. This is worse. I fight each and every day for reconciliation as does she. I won't lie and say I haven't thought of divorce either. You have a second chance on the table in front of you, I only hope you are successful as you seem to understand the damage to a certain degree.

Don't punish yourself because of some false, idiotic notion of honor. If you truly are a man of strong beliefs and commitments you need to consider just how much you are compromising your values. Living with a cheater can wear you down. Things trigger your memory and those mental images of her having sex with some other man come crashing in and you will ask yourself over and over again "why am I staying with a woman who would do this?" If you want to try to reconcile at least do it because you love her and she has somehow demonstrated to you that she will do anything to make it up to you. Don't do it for the kids or for some romantic notion of honor.

 

You have to search your own feelings and try to decide whether you are the kind of man who can live the rest of your life with a wife who cheated on you. Some men can, some men can't. And if you believe you are one of the ones who will never truly forgive because you will never forget what she did then stop the charade right now. Divorce her and start your life fresh as soon as possible.

[Trustnoone]

@ Drifter

 

I can easily see why you think I don't love her from what I wrote. Contrary to what I wrote she is my true love. I could love nobody more than her which is why I chose reconciliation. My pain is because of how much I love her. WW is extremely remorseful and doing heavy lifting to repair what is destroyed. Going to MC which has helped immensely. Therapist has helped me to realize that her ring is my testament.

 

As far as honor it is deep within me. No false romantic honor. Honor is a code I live by. I don't quit when faced with adversity but meet it head on to be stronger, wiser, and a better man. My WW is amazed I chose reconciliation. We discussed what we both wanted and are both committed. This will be a long hard road to travel, but others have made it, I hope to also.

[Owl6118]

This right here makes me question if you ever truly loved your husband. ...

 

I am not trying to make DK feel bad, but I guess I would wonder why he has so little respect for himself?

 

This is all water long gone under the bridge for DKS and Lovin. They have clearly found their own way through this stuff and it was hard. But they are now on to other questions and in another place. Maybe we could try to help with were they are, not where they were.

[DKT3]

This right here makes me question if you ever truly loved your husband. You shouldn't be caring about the man you are betraying your family for. The man whom you sleep with right before you have to go pick up your children? That part is also disturbing to me. You had to think about cleaning your wedding ring in order to realize you were doing something wrong. But..every single time you looked your kids in the eyes you should of realized this. Every time you husband told you he loved you..the guilt should of been too much right there.

 

You should of felt utterly ashamed every time you looked at them, or were around them after betraying their father..but it was a dirty ring that made you realize you were doing wrong. I'm also hoping your rings weren't dirty because of anything you did with the sleazeball.

 

 

 

I guess this is why I'm trying to figure out what is worth saving in this relationship, why it is worth rekindling after the utter disrespect shown to the husband and children. He missed a flight, probably not on purpose, so that triggers banging another man? That to me just isn't the mentality of someone who ever felt any kind of genuine love for their partner. What happens next time he misses a flight or something?

 

I am not trying to make DK feel bad, but I guess I would wonder why he has so little respect for himself?

 

If I had been a better more selfless husband to lovin then it may have been different in terms of my willingness to try again. As I have said, looking back on our marriage I earned divorce papers. For whatever reason she made the choice to cheat instead. Hurt, angry, alone and full of resentment she deal with it in a horrible way. Yet was it truely worse then simply dropping divorce papers on me at that time? I'm not sure I wouodnt have felt the same level of betrayal. I was happy in the marriage and she wasn't, I had no clue she was in such a bad place.

 

Even with infidelity in our past, I have seen since then the wonderful person I fell in love with. I simply couldn't get her out of my system, she was/is the woman I want to be with.

 

I think that some are missing its not only her that has to prove ones self here, again I was a horrible husband. Upon reflection I can admit that, for a long time she was better then I deserved. So I feel she is also giving me a second chance.

[DKT3]

You are right, if DK is set on getting back with her..I think they definitely need to set some boundaries then. First, he should be given access to her phone, facebook, and email account whenever he wants, and given immediate access at that, with no chances to delete anything. He needs to be given all the passwords and told immediately if they are changed. She has lost all chances at privacy for good. I'm sure this next thing is common sense, but she can't ever see the OM again, or talk to him..in any way. No texts, no emails, nada. If she is walking down the street and see's this guy she needs to immediately cross to the other side without giving him so much as a hello or even a nod.

 

Also needs to make sure she checks in with him whenever she is out without him. If I were him I'd also say that not a single drop of alcohol is to be consumed by her unless he is present. I'm not saying she was drunk when she did this cheating, but if she could do that stone cold sober then she can't be trusted when drunk or even just buzzed. There should be zero hanging around other guys too. I don't mean the guy she cheated with, but guys in general.

 

There also needs to be zero tolerance for future slights. The first time she lies to him about anything, even if it has nothing to do with other men..the relationship should be ended. The first time she tries to hide a text msg or something, it needs to end. If they ever have an argument and she throws any of this stuff in his face, it needs to end.

 

We are past most of the things your talking about here. She hasn't had any contact with OM in like six years. She wants share one email, I have passwords to everything. The thought of her never drinking again is laughable, she rarely drinks, I'm talking New Years and maybe her birthday. We did get pretty tanked a few weeks ago at a winery.

 

All and all she has done some good stuff.

[DKT3]

Turnpike, I think if the question was asked of the women here would divorce be an option for a husband who was only home one week a month by choice, who had little to no involvement with the kids, did what he wanted with little input from her in terms of where their lived what house they brought what car she drove. I pretty much left lovin out of the decision making process for almost 20 years. I'm sure most would say yes, divorce is an option.

 

Now don't confuse me taking ownership of being a chitty husband with accepting blame for her affair, that was 100% her. What I'm saying is if I was a better husband I kinda doubt we would be here today.

 

Just because I wasn't cheating or being abusive doesn't mean I was an idea husband or even a good one for that matter.

[WasOtherWoman]

Turnpike, I think if the question was asked of the women here would divorce be an option for a husband who was only home one week a month by choice, who had little to no involvement with the kids, did what he wanted with little input from her in terms of where their lived what house they brought what car she drove. I pretty much left lovin out of the decision making process for almost 20 years. I'm sure most would say yes, divorce is an option.

 

Now don't confuse me taking ownership of being a chitty husband with accepting blame for her affair, that was 100% her. What I'm saying is if I was a better husband I kinda doubt we would be here today.

 

Just because I wasn't cheating or being abusive doesn't mean I was an idea husband or even a good one for that matter.

 

I can relate to this... maybe with time brings clarity? Many years ago I was a BW. I was FLOORED when I found out my then husband had been cheating. Went through all of the emotions, etc that everyone else on here has.... thought he was all kinds of an A-hole and divorced him. But, after some time had passed, I was able to look at the situation more clearly.

 

I was a crappy wife.... truly I was. I put my career first and can honestly say I neglected him. That said, the choice to cheat was all him, but, I do feel that, had i conducted myself differently, he would not have engaged in an affair.

 

So, to admit you were a crappy spouse, does not imply, in my humble opinion, that you are taking responsibility for their choice to cheat.

 

I really do believe that time brings clarity.

[Buckeye2]

In order to justify their affair the WS finds fault with the BS.

 

The WS can use significant facts, blow insignificant facts out of proportion or outright lie to themselves about the BS. When placing blame I think it all boils down to how much material the BS gave the WS to work with.

 

Another way of saying it is asking how much the WS have to fabricate in order to justify the affair.

 

I think the real test for who is to blame is communication. Pre-affair did the WS ask to go to MC or bring up the subject of divorce if things didn’t change? Just because you know how unhappy you are doesn’t mean everyone else does.

[WasOtherWoman]

In order to justify their affair the WS finds fault with the BS.

 

The WS can use significant facts, blow insignificant facts out of proportion or outright lie to themselves about the BS. When placing blame I think it all boils down to how much material the BS gave the WS to work with.

 

Another way of saying it is asking how much the WS have to fabricate in order to justify the affair.

 

I think the real test for who is to blame is communication. Pre-affair did the WS ask to go to MC or bring up the subject of divorce if things didn’t change? Just because you know how unhappy you are doesn’t mean everyone else does.

 

There is a ton of truth to the above. In my case, my ex didn't really communicate just how unhappy he was... his bad. But that does not excuse ME from knowing that I am neglecting my marriage. I give myself more credit than that. A mistake a won't make again.

[Owl6118]

DKT and Lovin--forgive me, this is going to be a bit of a brain dump.

 

I have been thinking of you guys a lot, because your story has really touched me. I want to share with you what I see, looking from the outside, judging just by why you have both written here. Obviously I don't know you, and you have to take-- or leave-- this for what its worth.

 

DKT--brother, it seems pretty obvious from the outside that you have fallen back in love with you ex-wife. However, you fear exposing yourself again to the horrific pain you went through during the affair and maybe especially between DDay and the divorce papers. You have been, recently, in a place that allowed and encouraged you feelings for lovin to grow again--time with kids, time with her, intimacy. But you kept yourself safe by holding back and keeping your exit always open. But brother, your feelings have changed. You can't stay where you are any more. You need to make a choice, soon--go all in, or really back away and get on with being divorced and building a life without lovin. Sitting on the fence is no longer an option--you have too many feelings for her, and you are encouraging her feelings for you and letting her hope blaze up. It is obvious which way your heart leans. In my opinion, it is time for you to make a choice, open yourself to the possibility of a life of love with partner you chose in the beginning. And yes, this means trust. And yes, it means the possibility of hurt.

 

You are to be greatly commended for the long and serious thought you have put into reflecting on your former marriage. It is easy to get caught up in the circular debate over who owned the problems of the marriage vs. the fault of the affair. It seems clear to me that you know your answers to this conundrum clearly, and they are good and mature answers. They will make you a much better parter for lovin--or someone else.

 

Lovin--you too are greatly to be commended. Yes, your fog was long. But your own actions since divorce are the definition of remorse and sustained commitment. But gently, there still seem to be some areas you can work on. My suggestion for you is to read about, and cultivate, the wonderful gift of empathy--the art of stopping before you respond, actively imagining yourself into the other's shoes, and trying with all your being to feel the way the world feels from the other's perspective. A small example is the question that started this thread, the rings. You have tended, more than once, to focus first on what the ring meant to you. When he brought it up lately, the idea of melting them down, you again were aware first and more strongly of the meaning to you, and you lead your response to his idea by stating your needs. Try inserting the empathy step between his statements and your responses.

 

If you do reunite, truly, with commitment, I will be very happy for you. But I also have a stern warning.

 

To be blunt, you guys still have problems communicating. And these have been largely papered over during your friends with benefits/co-parent period of late. They are going to come roaring back. You are going to need MC to work with you on this. And there is work you can do on your own, right now.

 

I encourage both of you to read about, and work on, the art of "active listening." This is a way of dealing with confontational issues in any conversation or negotiation. The heart of it is stretching your capacity for empathy, and deliberately inserting a moment of empathy into a discussion or negotiation. Like this:

 

1. DKT suggests melting down old rings to make new rings for kids

2. Lovin has powerful feelings about the meaning of the rings she wears, responds by saying she does not like this idea, can we hold off

3. DKT feels frustrated, probably feels that lovin is not working to see things from his point of view, comes here to get other perspectives

 

Try it this way.

 

1. DKT suggests melting down old rings to make new rings for kids

2. Loving feels a powerful "no" emotion--the rings she wears have a lot of meaning to her, she hurst at the idea of her rings being destroyed.

3. Here is the active listening part. Before speaking, Lovin takes time to think about DKT's idea from his perspective. She imagines herself into his shoes. She asks herself, "what problem is DKT trying to solve here? What does the ring mean to him that he would ask me to do this?" If you stop and think about it, its not rocket science to see that to DKT, maybe the ring means a broken promise, or a reminder of the A. Maybe even you could remember that men are very, very visual creatures, and suspect that he might be troubled--even if he does not consciously realize it--by your wearing the ring while intimate with AP. Or maybe it really is just the symbolism.

4. State your observations. Lovin would say to DKT: "I hear what your asking. I thought hard about what the ring might mean from your perspective. I think you might feel A, B and C that makes it painful for you.

5. CHeck for understanding: ask, "DKT, am I on the right track? Was this what was behind your suggestion?" This is very important! By stating back to him what you have heard him say, as well as your understanding of the underlying meaning, and checking with him to see if you got it right, you have validated his feelings, and assure him that he is heard through and through, and that you "get." where he is coming from.

6. Ask if you can now share some of what you feel.

7. See if he can say back to you and validate to you understanding of how you feel.

8. Seek compromises that meet both your underlying, emotional needs.

 

The same could have been done, other way around, to handle Lovin's jealousy about office girl.

 

It is a learned skill. It takes work. I have probably summarized it badly--you should read up and get expert guidance. But you are going to need to acquire skills like this to get your new relationship off on a solid foorting. All the more so as you will sometimes be working opposite schedules--I am doing this right now too, and I tell you it's hell on keeping a good bond and good communication.

 

I wish you guys well. I hope, both of you, you choose the road of vulnerability and trust and see if you can have the life with one another I think you both want very much. But I caution you that despite ALL you've been through--your road is not nearly over, and you are going to find some adult challenges after the endorphins and erratic rewards of your current FWB situation ends, and your new committed partnership begins.

[Clay]

Cheating is flaw with the cheater. Not with the BS. There is no justification that ever can be made for this behavior. Its just like someone that lies or steals. You did not force them to do so. It was there choice and clearly they are the only one they consulted with when making that choice. It might not always be the case once a cheater always a cheater but I bet the cases that they are not are so rare that you would have better luck with a lottery ticket. Once a person lies, steals or cheats the next time they do it, it gets easier and they improve upon there levels of deception. I know there are some ws that probably do deserve a second chance but I can not in good faith ever recommend someone stay with a cheater even when there are kids involved.

[drifter777]

If I had been a better more selfless husband to lovin then it may have been different in terms of my willingness to try again. As I have said, looking back on our marriage I earned divorce papers. For whatever reason she made the choice to cheat instead. Hurt, angry, alone and full of resentment she deal with it in a horrible way. Yet was it truely worse then simply dropping divorce papers on me at that time? I'm not sure I wouodnt have felt the same level of betrayal. I was happy in the marriage and she wasn't, I had no clue she was in such a bad place.

 

Even with infidelity in our past, I have seen since then the wonderful person I fell in love with. I simply couldn't get her out of my system, she was/is the woman I want to be with.

 

I think that some are missing its not only her that has to prove ones self here, again I was a horrible husband. Upon reflection I can admit that, for a long time she was better then I deserved. So I feel she is also giving me a second chance.

I kind of understand what you mean here - at least I think I do. One thing you might consider is that her choice was not as simple as Cheating vs. Divorce. There was also the option of telling you how unhappy she was and demanding a change in the relationship. Even an "or else" would have given you a choice in how you wanted your life to proceed.

 

That said, I think if I had been a bad husband (as you describe yourself) acceptance and even forgiveness of her cheating would have been much more likely. It shows maturity to have the insight you have developed to look at all sides of such a horrible situation and put yourself in her shoes. Of course you wish she wouldn't have cheated but you are putting the whole situation into perspective and making rational decisions based on the facts at the time.

 

I would have advised you to divorce her and never look back when all this occurred because - lets face it - you've put a ton of emotional energy into this for six years and you are just now getting to a place where R looks like it could really happen. That's a lot of time and a lot of work and it was also a huge gamble. What if after all of the blood, sweat, and tears you have invested you finally discovered that you simply could not live with a cheater? Now it might look like a good investment, but that's hindsight. Its such a risky proposition when faced with the choice in the early stages after d-day I couldn't advise anyone to take a leap of faith and hope that time will heal the wound.

 

You seem to be recovering well and I wish you the best.

[suckerpunch55]

My wife did tell me that at no point did she ever take her rings off during her affair, not too sure if this a comforting thought as surely engagement and wedding rings mean a commitment to another person?