Revealing a cheater

[Breaking123]

I guess I'm here more to vent. My coworker was not bothering for a while. Then, he starts the communication again. He led me to believe and his mistress were no longer together. He told me he enjoys talking to me, and he will always be a friend and be here for me. He also said he cares about me. So, I would respond to his calls and texts. Turns out, the mistress is still in the picture. Apparently, they were just taking time apart, but not officially broken up. He still would text and call. I told him it needed to stop. He then sent me a picture of "himself" and told me we can work on stopping our communication some other time. I have so many emotions going on because of this. I have developed feelings for him. I feel used and like he only wants me around to boost his ego and only when it's convenient for him. I feel like telling his mistress what he is doing (I found out who she is from another coworker). I won't report him to HR because he will lose his job, and that will affect his kids since he still supports them.

 

Would any of you tell? I doubt I will, but I would like to hear your opinions.

[d0nnivain]

He's a Player with a capital P. Train your brain to turn off any emotional feelings you may think you have for him. They aren't returned & he will break your heart once he gets what he wants.

 

The fact that he sent you a picture of "himself" if you didn't ask for it & you are not initimate just grosses me out. Talk about lack of boundaries. Yuck.

[No Limit]

I'd probably walk over to her with printed proof and tell her to please tell her boyfriend to leave me alone. That would do enough to him.

[Zahara]

Back in January, you mentioned issues with as him being separated from his wife and dating this woman. You also mentioned he was dating this woman even before he separated from his wife. So, he is a known cheater. Four months later nothing has changed.

 

Granted you have feelings for this guy but really, you need to look at the reality of who he is. The wife wasn't enough, then he found the gf, then she now isn't enough and he's onto you. You're just one on his cycle of women. Yes, you are being used.

 

If you want him out of your life, implement it yourself. You think the mistress isn't onto him. She probably shuts an eye. She probably knows he has scumbag in him when he was cheating on his wife with her. There is no need to go to HR. If you want to have boundaries with him, you can implement and enforce. You want to go to the mistress because you either 1) want to hurt him 2) hope it goes to hell and he chooses you.

Edited May 12, 2014 by Zahara

[Breaking123]

No limit - the gf does not work with us. She is friends with one of our co-workers.

 

Zahara - I admit it would be to hurt him. I feel hurt and betrayed because I have told him I expect honesty. He promised he was always honest. I never thought of the possibility of her actually knowing. It would surprise me if she does because when he found out that I am also friends with the coworker who she knows, he got really nervous. I will never go to HR, but I'm tired of his games and everyone thinks he's the best employee in the office. From now on, I'm going to enforce strict boundaries with him. Im also hurt because he's always said he's a friend and will do anything for me. A friend doesn't behave the way he has behaved.

 

I'm also mad at myself for giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting him.

[Zahara]

I feel hurt and betrayed because I have told him I expect honesty. He promised he was always honest. .

 

This is the thing. You expect honesty from a man that cheats. Does that make sense to you? If a man can cheat behind his wife's back, why do you think he's going to bestow you honesty?

 

He is not your friend. People can tell you whatever you want to hear to make themselves look appealing and to get you to break your walls.

 

Enforce your own boundaries. You are the only one that is responsible to protect yourself. Don't bring HR into this because the least amount of drama, the better. You can handle this on your own. You know what you need to do.

[No Limit]

No limit - the gf does not work with us. She is friends with one of our co-workers.

 

Then give said coworker the message. He or she should bring it to her right away if he or she is really her friend.

[Breaking123]

The coworker is off today. So, I decided to text him a few times. Since he has commented several times that we are friends, he should be okay with me texting. Also, if we are friends, his gf should know he and I are friends. So, again, there should be no problem with him receiving texts if he's with her.

 

Yes, I am doing this to be spiteful since he has lied to me and led me on. I want him to be honest with me and his gf (I know that is wanting something that will not happen).

[Zahara]

Yes, I am doing this to be spiteful since he has lied to me and led me on. I want him to be honest with me and his gf (I know that is wanting something that will not happen).

 

"I feel used and like he only wants me around to boost his ego and only when it's convenient for him."

 

You really need to stop this. You're trying to gain honesty from a man that cheats and lies. Does that make sense to you?

 

He is not responsible anymore for making things right for you. You are now responsible for accepting the reality of what this situation is and you are responsible for moving yourself forward from this.

 

You said you feel used and that he only wants you around to boost his ego. At this point, you're the only one that is doing this to yourself.

 

You're bitter, angry and upset. I get it. But it's futile to keep feeding your spite in hopes HE makes it better for you. He can't make it better when he is the one that is causing you pain. All you keep doing is keeping yourself stuck.

[BeingMe]

You know what? I would tell HR.

 

I know you have all kinds of unhealthy motives right now, but this man is abusing his position and he clearly has poor boundaries. You have proof of this. The next person may just quit their job before they get proof. I wonder how many women he has done this to before...and how many he will do it to in the future.

 

I'm not saying this lightly. It might be that you're taking about my STBXH. It might be that he could lose his job. I know how I would feel about that happening to my STBXH. But and it's a big BUT I would rather lose that child support money etc, than have him take advantage of any more women. People like him expect others to collude with them and rely on others being 'nice' for them to get away with this kind of behaviour,rather than exposing it. People like him need to have the consequences of their actions, or they will not change and will keep doing this to others.

[Breaking123]

He has text me every day this weekend. It was very unusual because he rarely stays at his place because he practically lives with his gf. I'm thinking she must have been out of town, or they were fighting because it was literally every day...including today. I tried to back away, and he kept calling. He would start talking about sex, and I would change the subject. He really makes me feel like he cares about me and has deep feelings for me, but then I have to remind myself that he has a girlfriend. I've been an emotional mess today because I try to stop the communication, and he comes on even stronger. I have developed feelings for him, and I am having trouble turning off those feelings.

[Echomaker]

Last week:

 

I'm tired of his games and everyone thinks he's the best employee in the office. From now on, I'm going to enforce strict boundaries with him.

 

5 days ago:

 

So, I decided to text him a few times.

 

....

 

Yes, I am doing this to be spiteful since he has lied to me and led me on. I want him to be honest with me and his gf (I know that is wanting something that will not happen).

 

Recently:

 

I tried to back away, and he kept calling. I try to stop the communication, and he comes on even stronger.

 

You need some tough love here. Stop with the petty excuses - "I tried" or "He keeps coming on stronger." That's all they are: excuses. These boundaries you spoke about last week haven't been enforced at all, and you keep letting him in. You're willingly texting/calling him, and answering him when he texts or calls you. Stop saying you're going to set boundaries, and do it already.

 

You expect honesty and integrity from him, but yet you are intentionally doing things to spite him. You're playing the same game as him, and it's time to stop rolling the dice.

 

Friends do not do this.

Edited May 19, 2014 by Echomaker

[Zahara]

He would start talking about sex, and I would change the subject.

 

He really makes me feel like he cares about me and has deep feelings for me.

 

Very contradicting. What he has is deep feelings in his pants.

 

A man that cares for you:

 

1) Let's you go when he knows he can't give you what you need.

2) Doesn't talk sex to you when he's with another woman

3) Doesn't have a relationship with someone else.

 

And what sort of man is this that does that when he is dating another woman. You think you have a prize on your hands? I bet you my bottom dollar he'll treat you the same way. What best way to teach a man that you have no boundaries by accepting his contact and enabling his repulsive behavior.

 

Let's be real. You don't stop communication. You encourage it when you entertain it. NC is not his responsibility. It is yours to implement and adhere to. I tried this and I tried that is a cop out. You either NC or you entertain him and don't complain when you feel like crap from it.

[No Limit]

Block his number, then. Just don't fall for this theatre.

[Tressugar]

Remove yourself from this fiasco. You come across as having low self esteem. No healthy adult would want to befriend any who has a lack in morals. Next time screen anyone who wants to be your friend. Watch how they walk and talk and scrutinize if it's in alignment of the truth.

[Breaking123]

I'll admit I do have low self esteem. I've been trying to work on this.

 

I can't block his number because the co-worker is actually one of my superiors. I have not shared that because I did not want all the lectures for getting involved with someone who I indirectly report to. He's much easier to work with if I do occasionally answer his calls and texts. Otherwise, my work load increases.

[Zahara]

I'll admit I do have low self esteem. I've been trying to work on this.

 

I can't block his number because the co-worker is actually one of my superiors. I have not shared that because I did not want all the lectures for getting involved with someone who I indirectly report to. He's much easier to work with if I do occasionally answer his calls and texts. Otherwise, my work load increases.

 

If you don't want to go to HR, you don't want to implement NC because he's a superior and retaliates by giving you more work, then there aren't any other ways to avoid him. But I do have to say that you stay in contact not because of workload but because you still harbor feelings for him.

 

The situation cannot change if you have no self-value. Personally, give me the damn workload so I can be rid of your sorry ass -- but you use that as an excuse to keep contact. And if he's abusing his position to control you, I'd soon enough tell him that I will be heading to HR if the manipulation doesn't stop.

 

But you can't because you still want contact from him, you want to be available because you hope by doing that, maybe, just maybe the next time he contacts you -- he may want you.

[soccerrprp]

OP, you need to record what is and has been happening to the minute. Eventually, you will also need to move on, that is, find another job, if things don't improve. You need to be ready to reveal the affair to HR if it comes to that.

[Breaking123]

I have all kept almost all of the inappropriate pictures he has sent. I also have all of the texts where he talks sexual and then asks where I am because I haven't responded. I have honestly been trying to stop. It's just a cycle I cannot seem to break.

[Zahara]

I have all kept almost all of the inappropriate pictures he has sent. I also have all of the texts where he talks sexual and then asks where I am because I haven't responded. I have honestly been trying to stop. It's just a cycle I cannot seem to break.

 

Work on your self-esteem. When a man treats you like an object and you still continue to engage and entertain him, it's indicative of how little value you see in yourself.

 

Other than that, I'm not sure how any of this advice can help you if you can't help yourself. It's a cycle you CAN stop, you just don't want to. There is a difference. You cannot break it because you're not ready to let him go.

[preraph]

You need to get over your feelings for this serial cheater. You should just block him and be just barely polite to him at work. If he raises a fuss, go to HR.

[Breaking123]

Work on your self-esteem. When a man treats you like an object and you still continue to engage and entertain him, it's indicative of how little value you see in yourself.

 

Other than that, I'm not sure how any of this advice can help you if you can't help yourself. It's a cycle you CAN stop, you just don't want to. There is a difference. You cannot break it because you're not ready to let him go.

 

You're right - I see little value in myself. I am now seeing a professional therapist for help. I have been to a few session now. We are not only working on my self esteem, but we are trying to figure out how and why I have allowed this whole thing to happen. So far, we have determined that part of it stems from past issues with men. I truly do want to stop the cycle or I would not have recently chosen to spend $$$ for professional help because I realize I cannot stop this on my own.

 

Thank you all for your comments, thoughts, and advice.

[ascendotum]

I'm not sure I see the issue here exactly, unless when you say you are friends with this guy, does that mean you had a fling with him after he said his other gf/mistress was out of the picture?

 

You talk about him being a friend and being there for you, and I gather might have some feelings for you...or given you that impression. I haven't seen any mentions of him shmoozing you hard to get you into his bed or sleeping with you then ignoring you. It seems you have feelings for him and he has been showing more interest in you lately. Then you discover the mistress/gf is still in the background so your feelings are hurt that you were not going to be that special to him, but I have not seen where he said you were the new love of his life.

 

As for HR. No, mind your own business. what has he actually done wrong to you? Is he in a position of authority over you and made unwelcome sexual advances on you? Not that I gather. He is separated from his wife and what he does with his love life in his spare time off work is not the HR manager's business.

[Breaking123]

I'm not sure I see the issue here exactly, unless when you say you are friends with this guy, does that mean you had a fling with him after he said his other gf/mistress was out of the picture?

 

You talk about him being a friend and being there for you, and I gather might have some feelings for you...or given you that impression. I haven't seen any mentions of him shmoozing you hard to get you into his bed or sleeping with you then ignoring you. It seems you have feelings for him and he has been showing more interest in you lately. Then you discover the mistress/gf is still in the background so your feelings are hurt that you were not going to be that special to him, but I have not seen where he said you were the new love of his life.

 

As for HR. No, mind your own business. what has he actually done wrong to you? Is he in a position of authority over you and made unwelcome sexual advances on you? Not that I gather. He is separated from his wife and what he does with his love life in his spare time off work is not the HR manager's business.

 

The answers to your questions can be found in my prior posts on this thread.

[Breaking123]

Things have finally ended with the guy. I started ignoring his inappropriate text messages. He called me out on it last week. I told him that if he is to communicate with me, it must be work related. We had an intense discussion because he was not happy with me. He finally said, "Fine! I will not be contacting you anymore!" We have only communicated once since all of this happened, and it was strictly work related.

 

I admit I feel for this guy. I developed really strong feelings for him. I even thought (or wanted to believe) that he has/had feelings for me too. I'm thinking he knows I fell for him because he would say certain things that make me believe such. Oh, and he also told me I am the only one he has skyped with while he was nude. Seriously? If he has a gf, why would he skype me and not her? Anyway, I know he doesn't care about me, he only cares about his ego. The hard part is that even though it wasn't a relationship, it truly felt like a break-up because I was so emotionally invested in him. I realize that we cannot be friends.