Waverly Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 My affair has been over for months, and I have slowly been getting rid of stuff as I have the strength. Emails went during the A, as I didn't want a record of anything. Underwear of significance (now there's a phrase I never thought I'd type) went in the trash pretty much the day it ended. But, months later, there are still a few things that I just don't know what to do with. There's a book he gave me that I've shoved somewhere in the middle of my bookshelf. And there are clothes. The dress I wore the first time we met up during the A. Shorts that I know he liked. I don't know what to do with them. I've tried wearing the dress, and it just is depressing, because it reminds of being with him. But...I really like it, and it seems kind of ridiculous to just get rid of things like that that still are practical. If your A has ended, what did you do with everything?? I want to get rid of the reminders, but my practical side gets in the way sometimes. If I threw out everything that reminded me of my x in some way or another, I'd be filling garbage bags full and then moving house. And he's never even been in my house. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I never had an affair but at the end of a relationship I would box up all the stuff & put it away. When I was over the person, I'd get the box out, keep anything I wanted & give the rest away. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl6118 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I am going through something kinda similar as I recover from four years of major depression. Coming out the other side, I am not the same person I was going in. My interests, my passions, my understanding of who I am have all changed. But my house is full of the trappings of my old selves. They feel like a boat anchor. I find the best thing is to firmly set aside memories of what something once meant, and also firmly set aside the fallacy of sunk costs (I have to keep it because it was valuable/expensive/a bargain and is still useful) and listen only to how it makes you feel right now, and what it is likely to make you feel in the future. If wearing something is depressing, let it go. Letting go is hard. But I find the moment something is gone, I feel lighter, better, more my true self. This week I dropped off over 120 books that represent old life and abandoned interests, dreams, or plans. I feel 10 times better. Goodwill, Salvation Army, pick your recipient, but thrift stores are your friend. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I threw it away, anything of hers was gotten rid of. There was nothing practical of me keeping anything that she gave me. Memories will always be there, I don't need the other crap Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I keep what's the most important to me from every R I've ever had. The A was no different. I hold onto what has the most meaning to me and I put away or give away the things that don't mean much. I too have culled out remnants of past Rs when some time has passed. I'm a packrat so I do tend to keep more than most people do. For me it's momentos from specific times we had. Everything has some ridiculous story behind it and they all make me feel really strong emotions of some sort. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I'm the last person who should comment...I have every d**m thing saved along with a hundred e-mails, pictures and 10 voice mails on my phone---pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I'm the last person who should comment...I have every d**m thing saved along with a hundred e-mails, pictures and 10 voice mails on my phone---pathetic. I think voicemails would completely send me over the edge. Luckily our phones at work switched so I had no choice but to lose them. Do you mind me asking how often you've gone back to listen to them? I tried to wear one of my xMM dresses out with my H this weekend in an attempt to make a new memory with it but as soon as I looked in the mirror, I knew I still couldn't. It's been almost 2 years since I debuted it with xMM. Maybe next summer. I told my therapist I refuse to let the A ruin a beautiful dress for me too, dammit! Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I think voicemails would completely send me over the edge. Luckily our phones at work switched so I had no choice but to lose them. Do you mind me asking how often you've gone back to listen to them? I tried to wear one of my xMM dresses out with my H this weekend in an attempt to make a new memory with it but as soon as I looked in the mirror, I knew I still couldn't. It's been almost 2 years since I debuted it with xMM. Maybe next summer. I told my therapist I refuse to let the A ruin a beautiful dress for me too, dammit! I've only listened to one of the voice mails twice since the affair ended for the very reason that it DID set me back BOTH times. E-mails or pictures are easier for me to digest, but hearing his voice had me ready to jump off a cliff. I listened to it once when I was alone and one time I played it for my therapist. The voice mail was the VERY last one he ever left me and it was on New Year's Eve. In the voice mail, he tells me he loves me at least six times, "lives" for the day when he and I would be able to bring in a new year together and emphatically stated twice that ME and ME alone would be the ONLY ONE on his mind at midnight. He ended it with a d-day happening just 12 days later...... Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Everyone is different. I had a best friend boyfriend who gave me a necklace thatI still have. It is nice and we split mutualy. But as far as my H's affir and our moving on. I had to get rid of the very nice clock they gave me for my birthday, the tool case given to my husband. And the wedding gift from them. The clock was the worst because it was during their A and she picked it out, not her husband. And gave it to me while f'ing my H. (though the clock has significance because it made my h ill and it was the beginning of the end for him). I would say think into the future. Unlike honest relationships do you want fond memories with you of that time? Will those items cause you pain? Or even pleasure? Or do they not really connect you to that person? Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I'm the last person who should comment...I have every d**m thing saved along with a hundred e-mails, pictures and 10 voice mails on my phone---pathetic. All you have to do is delete them. And you know that. You can and there is no being "ready" or perfect time. There is just doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I'm the last person who should comment...I have every d**m thing saved along with a hundred e-mails, pictures and 10 voice mails on my phone---pathetic. I think that you'll know -- to the minute -- when you were finally on the road to healing when you start purging all that stuff. And it will feel great, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 well after my H affair ended,he gave me all the stuff she gave him,one was a computer that I pawned,and a couple tshirts,that I threw in a bondfire,and a granite beer tap,that I sold for 40 bucks,and 3 bottles of wine,which the wine was flowing right after dday Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I think that you'll know -- to the minute -- when you were finally on the road to healing when you start purging all that stuff. And it will feel great, I promise. I wish SO BAD I could. OMG, I wish I could. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 23 years of M and when I divorced that cheater - I got rid of a TON of stuff! Most anything that reminded me of the M I gave away! Even pictures - I separated - gave bags to my kids and exH. Ones that pertained to them. Sold the monster house and contents. It is very freeing not looking at my old life! A fresh start that is all my own! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I wish SO BAD I could. OMG, I wish I could. You will. It took me 6 months & then I just did it one night when I knew I'd be alone in peace to cry hysterically as much as I needed to (and I definitely did!) But it felt awesome when they were gone. I trashed some of my own "underwear of significance", his favorite lip glosses, keepsakes from trips, then packed up the less triggery expensive stuff along with some clothing of significance & buried them in the winter closet. Deleted all the relevant music off my phone & iPad, Took the cd he made me out of my car. I was a woman on a mission, moving with purpose, drinking wine & crying but it was time and I was ready. You will get there too Mickey! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Gave them away, then shop for new ones with your husband, kids, friends, whoever you want to bond with. Do it piece by piece as though you are savoring your every improvement/achievement/progress with each new item. Remember, you are striving for your self healing and future happiness, don't compare that to mere item practicality. You've done well so far, don't let those items peg you. Good luck, you will be where you want eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 You know, in this instance, it isn't that much different than a regular relationship. I was so heartsick when my last real relationship ended 11 years ago, I kept everything. Gradually, over the years things became less significant. Sometimes, I'd even look at something and wonder why I was keeping it. I'd set it in the trash pile and before trash day came, I'd normally remember. In most instances, come to think of it, in all instances, I was able to toss whatever it was. When my marriage ended, I had a yard sale and sold a lot of my stuff. I started over. It took ten years, but I replaced everything. The last thing to be replaced, was ironically our marriage mattress and bedroom set. You will know when it is time. I know it is hard to imagine, but someday the messages won't mean anything to you. But it does take time. I would set a goal for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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