d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Do you get your MIL a Mothers' Day Gift? I don't. My mom died 3 years ago. DH & I don't have kids; I'm still trying to come to terms with that. Bascially I hate Mothers Day. It makes me profoundly sad. I think both of my MILs know this. This year I also had to attend the funeral of a woman who was like a second mother to me so the holiday sucked even more. I don't do Fathers' Day for the same reason. My dad is deceased & we don't have kids. Am I awful? Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Sorry you have negative associations with these holidays. She's not your mom, so I don't think you have to do anything. That's your husband's responsibility. I'm not married, just engaged, but no I don't get his mom a gift. Why would I? Mother's Day gifts are for your mom, not other people's. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Mothers day is a day set aside to recognize ONE to WHOM is A Mother, whether she is your personal mom or not. Heck, I have friends that I call and wish them a wonderful day because I acknowledge they are a MOM, not just my friend. There is nothing inappropriate in acknowledging a persons position in a family. Sorry that this day is a saddening one. I lost my mom 18 months ago, and I didn't stop calling my aunts or friends when Mothers's day rolled around. Celebrate or don't its your choice. I personally don't stop celebrating Labor day when I retire , nor do I stop celebrating Grandparents day or My mom's Birthday. I still acknowledge them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dovegirl Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I have gotten my mother-in-law gifts in the past, but I don't always...so it's not like an obligation. Since I have been married we alternate holidays between families, so every other year I spend mother's day with my mother-in-law. Therefore, I am giving her the "gift" of my time. Which she appreciates just as much as my own mother does. Having said that, my own mother gets first "billing" in my heart and thoughts on mother's day. There is only one of her, and no one can take her place! Even though my mother-in-law is a perfectly wonderful woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Author Share Posted May 12, 2014 I have an otherwise great relationship with my MILs. I talk to them all the time. They have both been here to comfort me when my friends' mom passed. I have also said to both of them that I just can't do Mothers' Day. So I think they understand. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Do you get your MIL a Mothers' Day Gift? I did more stuff for my MIL after my mom became demented and it was difficult to celebrate Mother's Day with her. Prior, we usually took both moms out for brunch or did something as a family group. I can understand how death can affect a person, having lost both my mother and father. To me, it's a process. Should I ever become involved again with a lady who has living parents, or is a mom/grandmother herself, those holidays will be the here and now. What's gone before is the past, to me. Soon enough we'll be gone too. IMO, enjoy the now and, if I can bring a bit of happiness into another person's life whom I interact with and care about, well, that's my mission. Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry for your pain. I do send a card, call or a gift (some acknowledgement) to my MIL. The reason why? Simply because she's the mother to my husband. In fact, I send a text to all mothers, including my sisters, on that special day. I'm fortunate that both of my parents are alive, so as long as they're alive I'm going to honor them both. Edited May 12, 2014 by Tressugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) We weren't close to my MIL when she was alive, so no. She barely remembered to call or send her own son a card on his birthday. (Even when we lived down the street from her and my H's stepfather) If we were close and she was more active in our lives, we'd definitely get her something. We'd usually send a card....the minimum, which is what she usually did for us. Most the time, they didn't even remember my birthday...maybe like once or twice when my husband told his mom about it and that was it. Edited May 12, 2014 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
delight Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Well, I'm Irish and we celebrate Mother's Day in March ..my husband is American and for his mother it's May ..last year I sent her roses because it was just after we got married but I think she kind of expects now the thing is she doesn't send any cards her husband does! She always says when he dies no one should expect any. Her hubby was getting on to my hubby about her not receiving a card ( she ll be here tomorrow and I told her we bought flowers and a card for when she arrives rather than they arrive and she leaves for a Ireland ...guess she forget to tell dear hubby even though she blabs about everything!!) I agree with other posters, it is your hubby's duty ...it depends on your level of guilt etc ... I do feel guilted into it because I know my hubby is like her and too lazy to think of sending cards, in fact I had to drum it in to him to even give me cards ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Mother's day and Father's day are nothing but the invention of retailers, trying to get you to spend your money! That's what my mum tells me and she tells me every year, NOT to get her or my dad anything. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. If I do, I get a growling for it! I don't bother with MIL, that's their son's job. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatGirl213 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I am sorry that you feel like this. I usually give a card to my ex boyfriend's mother. Just because we are still very close. She took me under her wing as my parents don't live in this country, taught me how to cook, clean, basically everything. Yesterday I got a cake for her. She has her own DILs. She told me one of them usually do not wish her and did not wish her yesterday. So I guess it all depends on the individual. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe one day when you do have children, you might change your opinion about this holiday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 When I think of it, when I give gifts to my parents (husband's parents are deceased) we usually consider any gifts given from both of us. The gifts are purchased when we're together with a joint bank account and therefore the gifts are a joint gift. If you're married or living together, no one should expect seperate gifts from each of you. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 No, I never gave my xMIL a Mothers' Day gift, that was my xH's job. Mothers' and Fathers' Days have always been very personal for me; a day where I express my appreciation to MY parents. I've never extended it beyond this. In the same vein, I've never given my step-father a gift either; my dad died more than 20 years ago and my mum remarried about 15ish years ago. Mothers' Day isn't a big deal for me with my daughter either. A hug and well wishes is fine somewhere in the date vicinity :-) Do what works for you and yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Oh man do I hate Mothers Day. I hate Fathers Day too, but I see more sanctimony on Mothers Day than any other single day of the year. I do send my mom a gift (we don't have much of a relations but what the heck), but I don't gift the spouse's mother. I'm not married, though... so maybe that will change when/if that happens. Beyond that, I avoid Facebook on that day entirely and do something outdoors instead. This year, spouse's mom came to visit so we all went for a hike. That was nice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Oh man do I hate Mothers Day. I hate Fathers Day too, but I see more sanctimony on Mothers Day than any other single day of the year. I do send my mom a gift (we don't have much of a relations but what the heck), but I don't gift the spouse's mother. I'm not married, though... so maybe that will change when/if that happens. Beyond that, I avoid Facebook on that day entirely and do something outdoors instead. This year, spouse's mom came to visit so we all went for a hike. That was nice. My husband and I did a 7 mile hike the day before mother's day (which was our anniversary). Man, that was a killer! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Oh man do I hate Mothers Day. I hate Fathers Day too, but I see more sanctimony on Mothers Day than any other single day of the year. I do send my mom a gift (we don't have much of a relations but what the heck), but I don't gift the spouse's mother. I'm not married, though... so maybe that will change when/if that happens. Beyond that, I avoid Facebook on that day entirely and do something outdoors instead. This year, spouse's mom came to visit so we all went for a hike. That was nice. I think I just went completely cross eyed on this post. Not married yet went on a hike with spouses mom? Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) I think I just went completely cross eyed on this post. Not married yet went on a hike with spouses mom? Is that difficult to understand? Edited May 13, 2014 by nescafe1982 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 The difficulty may relate to terminology, as 'mother in law' refers to one's mother as a result of a legal partnership, which could include marriage, registered domestic partnership, common-law marriage, civil union and other possible legally established relationships. As an example, when I was dating different ladies, even if 'officially' a BF, their mothers were not my 'mother in law' and wouldn't have been even if we were living together as a couple, unless that 'couple-ness' was legally established. The lady I married, yep, hers was MIL. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Right. But I said "spouse," not mother in law. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 spouse (spous, spouz) n. A marriage partner; a husband or wife. tr.v. (spouz, spous) spoused, spous·ing, spous·es Archaic To marry; wed. [Middle English, from Old French spous, from Latin spōnsus, from past participle of spondēre, to pledge; see spend- in Indo-European roots.] Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 ..last year I sent her roses because it was just after we got married but I think she kind of expects now You seem sweet, and that is a wonderful gesture after your wedding; however, beware of falling into that habit. I say that because they don't reciprocate, and before you know it you'll be everyone's gofer with no thanks. Put your boundaries in place with her and your hubby. Anytime, you are thinking or expected to go the extra mile, just think yhey should be buying you flowers. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 The difficulty may relate to terminology, as 'mother in law' refers to one's mother as a result of a legal partnership, which could include marriage, registered domestic partnership, common-law marriage, civil union and other possible legally established relationships. As an example, when I was dating different ladies, even if 'officially' a BF, their mothers were not my 'mother in law' and wouldn't have been even if we were living together as a couple, unless that 'couple-ness' was legally established. The lady I married, yep, hers was MIL. I don't find much more annoying than someone who refers to their mother in law when they aren't married. Umm okay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I don't find much more annoying than someone who refers to their mother in law when they aren't married. Umm okay? It can be confusing. I do joke that I have 2 MILs -- DH's biological mother & his father's GF; they have been together for 25 years so I refer to her as my "step MIL" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It can be confusing. I do joke that I have 2 MILs -- DH's biological mother & his father's GF; they have been together for 25 years so I refer to her as my "step MIL" True, my stepdad and mom were together for years before marriage....husband sometimes referred to him as his stepfather in law to make it easier. I mostly hear the MIL thing from young women who have a lovechild with their boyfriend of a few months to a year. It's like, no sorry, that's your child's grandma, but not your MIL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 Do you get your MIL a Mothers' Day Gift? I don't. My mom died 3 years ago. DH & I don't have kids; I'm still trying to come to terms with that. Bascially I hate Mothers Day. It makes me profoundly sad. I think both of my MILs know this. This year I also had to attend the funeral of a woman who was like a second mother to me so the holiday sucked even more. I don't do Fathers' Day for the same reason. My dad is deceased & we don't have kids. Am I awful? To each their own. For anyone who actually likes or loves you, they will react with understanding and sympathy. We always spend Mother's Day with H's family, since they live closer. Last year we told her that we were planning on visiting my family over Mother's Day weekend this year, so she scheduled a surgery for the day after Mother's Day so H would fee like he has to stay and spend it with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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