Twilightsteve Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I've been married for 16 years and have a child. Last year I visited my ex girlfriend who I dated for three months back in 1991. I hadn't seen her since that year and discovered from her brother prior to that visit that she is now in a home for mental health now that she has Schizophrenia and other health issues. She was happy enough for me to visit her and I must stress it is platonic between us. After that visit whilst returning home I became quite emotional and realised I must have strong feelings for her. My close friends know about the visit and so does my mother who was not adverse to the visit. My ex and I have recently spoke on the phone again and we plan to go out for the day, maybe not for the last time. I'd love to know your opinions on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Strong feelings for her and you want to visit her again and spend time with her. Aside from our opinions, most importantly, how does your wife feel about it? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Really you are about to throw away a 16 year marriage to the mother of your child based on some brief contact you recently had with a mentally ill woman you dated for a whoping 90 days 23 years ago? Perhaps your feelings are rooted in pity because she is now so ill. I'd work very hard to put her out of your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twilightsteve Posted May 12, 2014 Author Share Posted May 12, 2014 My wife doesn't know, I'll never tell her either. The proverbial lead balloon comes to my mind should I be stupid enough to do so. You're right d0nnivain it is all based on my feelings of pity for her. It seems she's had a very turbulant life and is now a shadow of her former self. It was an unrequited courtship and she ended it but she remained in my heart . Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Not saying you're going to make an affair out of this but be careful where your - and her - feelings are in this. As soon as it goes deeper, you cease contact if you are inclined to remain in a healthy marriage (healthy doesn't mean flawless; but let's be honest here, every relationship with a cheater is somewhat broken). Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 My wife doesn't know, I'll never tell her either. The proverbial lead balloon comes to my mind should I be stupid enough to do so. You're right d0nnivain it is all based on my feelings of pity for her. It seems she's had a very turbulant life and is now a shadow of her former self. It was an unrequited courtship and she ended it but she remained in my heart . This doesn't strike you as deceptive? And as far as meeting up with her again..I don't think you need a panel of strangers to tell you this is a bad idea. You already know that or you'd have told your wife what you've been up to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Feeling pretty terrible for your wife, she doesn't deserve to have her husband sneaking around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 DON"T DO IT! ( yes, I am yelling.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatGirl213 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You want LSers opinion. What exactly would you expect a bunch of strangers to tell you? You already know that what you are doing is wrong and there is a potential for it to end up as an affair (you did mention you had strong feelings for her). I wonder how you would feel if your wife was having 'strong feelings for an ex' and wanted to meet up with him etc. You can put yourself in her shoes, you won't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You are visiting your ex girlfriend behind your wife's back, and have realised that you have strong feelings for this ex. You now plan to continue to see her. You want opinions? I think the wife and mother of your child deserves better than this. I think your child also deserves better than this. I also find it pretty disgusting that you have told your friends and mother about these secret meetings with an ex girlfriend, and that they seem to support this level of deception. Tell your wife what you're doing, so that she can go and find someone that will be honest, loving and loyal like she deserves. Alternatively, realise that this is wrong and disrespectful, and focus on your marriage. Either way - choose one or the other - stop being so selfish. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
johnpatric Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You have to tell your wife about this, if she doesn't have any excuse then you can happily meet your ex girlfriend. yeah but it can disturb your present life so whatever you want to do, first think about the future and then you take a step.. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 My wife doesn't know, I'll never tell her either. If you want to save your marriage you should act now to change your behaviour and feelings. Normal, healthy, emotionally stable people who are happy in their marriage do not go around looking up old flames, hiding it from their spouse and generally acting like a class A douchebag. If you're not happy in your marriage then you need to resolve this (one way or the other) ASSAP. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Chalk this woman up as the "one that got away." It's not like she's in a position to date you in her present condition. Now go work on your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Did you visit her in the mental home? or is she out of there? Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You sound like a creep. Sniffing around a mentally ill vulnerable woman all the while having a wife and child waiting at home. You should be ashamed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rns4lyfe Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 This is incredibly sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twilightsteve Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 I've been married for 16 years and have a child. Last year I visited my ex girlfriend who I dated for three months back in 1991. I hadn't seen her since that year and discovered from her brother prior to that visit that she is now in a home for mental health now that she has Schizophrenia and other health issues. She was happy enough for me to visit her and I must stress it is just friends between us. After that visit whilst returning home I became quite emotional through pity for her. My close friends know about the visit and so does my mother who was not adverse to the visit. My ex and I have recently spoke on the phone again. Just do not assume I'm trying to start an affair. I'd love to know your opinions on this. The last thread was closed for some reason and I was unable to answer to the last replies Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 My opinion is that although you don't intend to start an affair, this situation is very ripe for exactly that. I would NOT pursue friendship with this ex. It's nice that you visited her, but it is not your responsibility to save her. Your responsibility is to your family, so you need to redirect your energy there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twilightsteve Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 My opinion is that although you don't intend to start an affair, this situation is very ripe for exactly that. I would NOT pursue friendship with this ex. It's nice that you visited her, but it is not your responsibility to save her. Your responsibility is to your family, so you need to redirect your energy there. Firstly she has a boyfriend, sorry about the late fact. Secondly I'm not trying to save her, that is beyond me and maybe the health services too. Although her condition makes her say to visit her one minute and then bugger off the next, I still feel compelled to stay in touch. Her brother has been very helpful and actually condones it. My family does very well out of me so I don't think for a moment that I'm being selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Firstly she has a boyfriend, sorry about the late fact. Secondly I'm not trying to save her, that is beyond me and maybe the health services too. Although her condition makes her say to visit her one minute and then bugger off the next, I still feel compelled to stay in touch. Her brother has been very helpful and actually condones it. My family does very well out of me so I don't think for a moment that I'm being selfish. So tell your wife about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Twilightsteve Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 So tell your wife about it. Tell my wife about it? If one is stupid enough to explain to their spouse about visiting an ex then expect a very bad day indeed. Furthermore if anyone else wants to have me on the ropes then I'm coming out fighting. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Tell my wife about it? If one is stupid enough to explain to their spouse about visiting an ex then expect a very bad day indeed. Well there's your answer. If your visiting her is something you have to keep from your wife, it's not the right thing to do. Furthermore if anyone else wants to have me on the ropes then I'm coming out fighting. Hey, you came here asking for opinions. Sorry if they aren't what you want to hear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I've been married for 16 years and have a child. Last year I visited my ex girlfriend who I dated for three months back in 1991. I hadn't seen her since that year and discovered from her brother prior to that visit that she is now in a home for mental health now that she has Schizophrenia and other health issues. She was happy enough for me to visit her and I must stress it is just friends between us. After that visit whilst returning home I became quite emotional through pity for her. My close friends know about the visit and so does my mother who was not adverse to the visit. My ex and I have recently spoke on the phone again. Just do not assume I'm trying to start an affair. I'd love to know your opinions on this. The last thread was closed for some reason and I was unable to answer to the last replies How is it that one can have this strong of an emotional attachment to feel pity and want to help someone you dated for only 3 months, 23 years ago? You want our opinions? You're getting them. Can't tell your wife? Then you know this is wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Tell my wife about it? If one is stupid enough to explain to their spouse about visiting an ex then expect a very bad day indeed. If it's all innocent your wife should have known about it before you went on the visit and you should be openly discussing the pity you feel for the EX with your wife. I recently got into a business deal with an EX I wanted to marry who broke my heart 20+ years ago. DH knows all about it. When I presented the opportunity to DH, I told him if he was uncomfortable with it, then I wouldn't do it. He asked some Qs then gave me the green light. Do you see the difference? You are sneaking around & hiding. I don't have anything to hide because I love my husband & don't want anything from my EX except money. Everything is out in the open. If you truly wanted nothing but friendship for this EX, you would be introducing her to your EX. The fact that you are hiding is the problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) OP, Your responses and defensiveness leads me to ask why in the world you visited her in the first place? What did you hope to gain by doing so? How close of "friends" could you have been if only dated for 3-months? So, no contact over the 16-yrs prior to visiting her? Why post such a question if you think it's innocent? And why the need to keep it from your wife of 16-years that you are visiting an ex? Edited May 22, 2014 by soccerrprp 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts