Cyberstalking former colleague and our Mutual Friends

[nescafe1982]

Honestly, I don't know that there is anything I can do about this problem, but I'm stuck, so here goes:

 

Back in grad school, I had this colleague who became a fast friend of mine. We shared a lot of interests (both professional and personal), we came from similar backgrounds, and she was a senior grad student who could show me the ropes... I want happy to be her friend and I felt like she helped me a lot in those early days.

 

But on the flip side: she was chaotic, loud, negative, critical, and she liked to pick fights with people. She was the kind of person who would fixate on one person she didn't like, and she would trash-talk them to anyone who would listen. In committees and group-work, she was a bully. She was a toxic presence in the office. She was always politicking, and this meant a lot of people were afraid of her. But she and I were tight... so even though she said and did a lot of things I didn't agree with or like, I kept the lines of communication open with her at the office. We shared a thesis adviser, furthermore... so working closely with her was, well, compulsory. I made the best of it.

 

Well, this student was about 3 years ahead of me in the program. But as you might imagine, she struggled with just about every aspect of school. Many of her problems were of her own making: she fought with the dept. chair, she made a mess of her funding, she alienated potential mentors, etc. Meanwhile, my work progressed and I did pretty well: not the top of my class but I was publishing, earning kudos, grants, etc. Around the time we went up for the same award and I got it, she went sour on me. Like, she went from being my "very best friend" in the office to sniping me behind my back, unfriending me on facebook, and trying to get our mutual friends to join her in ostracizing me on campus. She sent me dozens of threatening emails (which only stopped when I threatened to report her for them); she tried to steal some resources from me through obfuscation; I would sometimes hear from people outside my university that she was bad-mouthing me to publishers, respected scholars, and at conferences.

 

This was all 2 years ago. She graduated and has taken a post far away from me. I have given up trying to "work it out," and have mostly forgotten about her.

 

EXCEPT for one issue: she's continuing to webstalk me. She cannot see me on Facebook (I blocked her long ago), but she regularly accesses my personal webpage, my academic webpage, and my LinkedIn account. I don't know to what purpose, but it's frequent enough to be alarming.

 

And she continues to try to interfere in my relationships with mutual friends. This is the issue I'm most worried about... because a couple of times, she has been successful at creating negativity, drama, and alienation between my friends and I. Two of our mutual friends no longer speak to me... and a third and I have a relationship so marked with tension that I fear losing touch with them. I know I cannot control what others think of me, or whether they listen to/entertain this malicious other party when she chooses to bad-mouth me.... but is there a way to protect myself against this kind of crap?

 

Examples of the aforementioned crap:

 

- mutual friend posts a group photo on Facebook, one in which I appeared. The toxic ex-colleague posts in the comments that I won some award for Academic Research because I'm friends with the selection committee, and that I talked **** about mutual friend (who had also been nominated for said award). Blatantly not true, but still caused some drama within my group of friends (many of whom were tagged in the post).

 

- telling another mutual friend (who is not white... I am white btw) that I regularly said racist things when we would hang out. Told this same friend that i didn't approve of her relationship with her husband because they were biracial. Also blatantly not true.

 

- on at least one occassion, she complained to a close friend of mine that I was sending her threatening emails. This one is most strange to me... because the only "threat" I sent was that if she did not stop harassing me, i would tell Human Resources. This same friend was well aware of her documented list of threats sent to me... so luckily that did not create much drama.

 

- On at least two occasions, this person went to people of importance in my field and told them that i was not minimally qualified to do the work I do. In one case, she told a publisher that I had been caught plagiarizing (not even remotely true). In the other case, she told a senior scholar who was mentoring me that i did not possess the language skills I say I do (again, a lie).

 

I was hoping that this stuff would subside after this toxic colleague moved elsewhere. She graduated, and so did I. But apparently, she's still at it. I've just found out about more crazy accusations being made on Facebook. I just don't know if there is something I can do to protect myself here... most of my close friends know she's bat-**** crazy and aren't going to buy any of her crap. But what about people who don't know me so well? Potential employers? etc?

 

Is there anything I can do?

[ayala]

Maybe if you present documentation and proof then you might be able to go to the FBI to help protect you.

 

I can't say I had this particular experience although I have been cyberstalked before.

[nescafe1982]

Maybe if you present documentation and proof then you might be able to go to the FBI to help protect you.

 

I can't say I had this particular experience although I have been cyberstalked before.

 

I appreciate the response, but I don't think I'm in danger. I'd rather not create more drama or introduce legal issues into this matter. I guess I was asking more along the lines of: is there any way to mitigate this person's ability to influence people in my professional/personal circles?

 

I feel like I'm in a catch 22, you know? If I bring it up with people, I risk looking paranoid or insecure. If I pretend she doesn't exist, I feel like I have less control over whether the people she slams me to believe her.

 

Until now, I've been ignoring her, hoping that with no reaction she'll eventually move on. But that has not seemed to be the case.

 

Sigh. Perhaps there isn't really anything I can do. We can't really control the actions/opinions of others, I suppose.

[mercuryshadow]

nescafe, having been in your spot before, you must ignore anything this person posts about you. In fact, ignore them completely, and if you have to, limit your interaction with those who are still connected to her. In my early 20's, there was a group of girls I was friends with. When one particular girl and I had a disagreement, I became her target, and she relentlessly stalked and harassed me for about two years. In fact, she pulled another girl, who was a loose cannon to begin with, into her scheme, so it was not one, but two people "after me". My mistake in all of it was looking, reading, and responding to their comments, emails, texts, and so forth. I even began getting phone calls at work. Looking back, the best thing I could have done was: DELETE, BLOCK & IGNORE.

 

 

Good luck with this, I know how much it sucks.

[esteem-jam]

A word from the crazy, myself.

That person is jealous of your life and probably feels wronged in some aspect, dealt unjustly. Also she may see you as a threat - you know how in those TV shows people eliminate the most probable competitor first, also bullying can come from the same reason.

 

I would advise to limit your posts on social media. Just drop like dead. Of course this is contrary to what social media is made for - posting sharing. Or at least dont post the juicy stuff - travels, family, success, only neutral - likes, music videos, movies. Also dont post any preaching stuff - quotes, motivational stuff, that heats me up, cause the logic is this - she is the wrong one yet has the guts to post tips how to live life- Ill show her!

[The Like Fairy]

nescafe, having been in your spot before, you must ignore anything this person posts about you. In fact, ignore them completely, and if you have to, limit your interaction with those who are still connected to her. In my early 20's, there was a group of girls I was friends with. When one particular girl and I had a disagreement, I became her target, and she relentlessly stalked and harassed me for about two years. In fact, she pulled another girl, who was a loose cannon to begin with, into her scheme, so it was not one, but two people "after me". My mistake in all of it was looking, reading, and responding to their comments, emails, texts, and so forth. I even began getting phone calls at work. Looking back, the best thing I could have done was: DELETE, BLOCK & IGNORE.

 

 

Good luck with this, I know how much it sucks.

 

 

I agree with Mercury Shadow. To the extent you can, Delete, Block and Ignore.

 

 

She will eventually find a new victim.

 

 

This will likely be a lifelong pattern for this unstable individual...... and unfortunately, this behavior is not uncommon, I've seen it many times in unstable individuals, and yes it can last for years. In fact, it is likely increasingly common in this cyber age we live in. I don't do Facebook nor Linked In for these very reasons. Silence and avoidance it the best strategy.

 

 

They do find a new focus of hate eventually, God willing.

 

Hang in there, sorry this is happening to you. All the best to you.

Edited May 13, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[mrs rubble]

Ignore, she is jealous. She'll eventually get sick of it, especially when people pay no attention to her.

Also I wouldn't be worried about her bad-mouthing you to others in your industry,she is the one being untruthful and she is the one going to look bad when the truth comes to light.

I once used a former boss as a referee for a new job, I thought she'd give me a glowing reference. Instead she told the new boss I had a terrible tremor and wouldn't be any good at the job (taking blood).

Part of the interview was taking blood off the new boss, who saw for herself I did not have a tremor! I got the job. A year later my old boss got laid off and applied for a job where I now was, and failed to land the job as the boss already knew she was vindictive and untruthful.

[preraph]

I had nearly this exactly situation some years ago that lasted for 3 years and was two brothers I'd never met but knew online on a fan board. So completely different scenario but the actions sound very much alike. Another woman was involved and they were making threats to send her husband underwear and such because she didn't want to be friends anymore after meeting one of them.

 

Anyway, I fought it, saved everything. They went anywhere I might be and bad-mouthed me and lied that I was doing anything to them. They kept this up with me refusing to communicate with them in any fashion for 3 years, and 2 years of that was "no contact" from me directly or me saying anything in public about them online. I have a common name but one finally called every one of my name in the phone book until he found me and then began calling every time he saw me online. He forged my email address and wrote to people as if he were me. I reported all this meticulously to each server it involved as well as law enforcement and FBI and no one did anything. Someone else they were bugging called one of their employers (he was doing some of it from work) and he went online griping about that and saying it was me.

 

I finally paid to get any criminal records from their county and discovered that they weren't entirely harmless. Battery charge, accusations of child abuse. I didn't do anything overt where anyone online except them would know I had this info or put this info anywhere, but I did go and casually mention the name of the victim someplace in a completely unreal context where I knew they'd see it so they'd know I had some ammo. They thought that was very unfair.

 

What finally stopped them is the wife of one of them got sick of him being obsessed with staying online and since he told her it was because me and the other woman were harassing him, she came out on a board complaining and I wrote her and gave her this challenge: Ask your husband to produce any e-mail or IM or post on any blog anywhere by me or (the other woman) that has anything to do with him since (I gave a date when I shut it down two-plus years prior). I said, He can't do it because it doesn't exist. Dead silence. She eventually divorced and that gave him someone new to harass. Really, getting rid of harassers is about them getting interested in someone else, sadly.

 

Here's what you have to remember about people like this. He and the other one believed I was doing this to them in their minds. They were sick, sick people and their thinking was completely delusionary. Any number of mutual online friends had tried to reason with them in the early days before we shut it down, realizing you could talk until you were blue in the face and they were delusionary and it would make no difference.

 

Your friend is also sick. I do recommend you run a background criminal check on her so you know if she's ever done anything violent. Save what you have and keep a log of every drive-by, time she spies on you, etc. Take screenshots of her IP or however you know that. Save these and if she threatens you at some point, do call police. I'm in U.S. Pretty much all states have stalking laws, but mostly they won't enforce them. It's not true you have to be threatened to report, but they will tell you that. There are anti electronic harassment laws in that same stalking statute most places.

 

Do zero contact, keep banning. If you feel comfortable doing it, you could send a very brief email out to any clients/friends you think she is trying to influence telling them, Sorry to distract you with this, but I've been told an ex-acquaintance with mental issues has randomly contacted some of my business and personal contacts to disparage me. I initiated a policy of "no contact" with this person some time ago and am taking any steps available to me to protect myself from her. Meanwhile, I hope if you are contacted you will discount anything she may tell you and avoid giving her any information about me.

[nescafe1982]

Thank you, everyone. I'm surprised to hear from some of you that have experienced this too.... guess it's more common than I thought. I definitely plan to maintain no-contact: she's blocked on any social media that allows blocking. Unfortunately because of the nature of my work I can't keep a low profile (engaging with the public is part of my job)... but I guess it is simple enough to document and file away these instances digitally when necessary, just in case.

 

I'm going to try to disregard any and all attempts on her part to damage me professionally. That's the hardest thing to do, because honestly it's hurts my ego. But there is simply no way to engage without looking like I'm party to her issues.

 

Anyway, thanks for the insight and suggestions!

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you, everyone. I'm surprised to hear from some of you that have experienced this too.... guess it's more common than I thought. I definitely plan to maintain no-contact: she's blocked on any social media that allows blocking. Unfortunately because of the nature of my work I can't keep a low profile (engaging with the public is part of my job)... but I guess it is simple enough to document and file away these instances digitally when necessary, just in case.

 

I'm going to try to disregard any and all attempts on her part to damage me professionally. That's the hardest thing to do, because honestly it's hurts my ego. But there is simply no way to engage without looking like I'm party to her issues.

 

Anyway, thanks for the insight and suggestions!

 

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do. If she is relentless even in the absence of your response, save EVERYTHING. And if it ever gets to the point where you need help from law enforcement, give her no warning, just DO IT.

 

 

It's sad when adults behave this way. Just try to keep in mind that it has everything to do with her own insecurity and jealousy, and in reality, nothing to do with you.

[littleplanet]

Stalking at one time only used to happen in the real world. Time and especially distance has changed the dynamic.

Cyber-stalking can become ubiquitous - especially through social media. Limiting your use of it when and where possible can help.

I agree with all posters here - to ignore it, block it as best you can.

If this person creates stress and worry in you regarding what she "might" do - then she's accomplished a perfect act of terrorism. She doesn't have to really do anything - just give you the impression that she might.

 

Documentation of hate messages, threats etc. - is always helpful.

Other than that, go on living your life.

Remember - you will never be the only person that earns her venom. (for no good reason) As time goes by, no doubt she'll have her hands full with others.

 

You can't have a 100% guarantee that she can't damage you professionally - but if she ever does, the grounds for a lawsuit probably go up exponentially.

[Radu]

Honestly, I don't know that there is anything I can do about this problem, but I'm stuck, so here goes:

 

Back in grad school, I had this colleague who became a fast friend of mine. We shared a lot of interests (both professional and personal), we came from similar backgrounds, and she was a senior grad student who could show me the ropes... I want happy to be her friend and I felt like she helped me a lot in those early days.

 

But on the flip side: she was chaotic, loud, negative, critical, and she liked to pick fights with people. She was the kind of person who would fixate on one person she didn't like, and she would trash-talk them to anyone who would listen. In committees and group-work, she was a bully. She was a toxic presence in the office. She was always politicking, and this meant a lot of people were afraid of her. But she and I were tight... so even though she said and did a lot of things I didn't agree with or like, I kept the lines of communication open with her at the office. We shared a thesis adviser, furthermore... so working closely with her was, well, compulsory. I made the best of it.

 

Well, this student was about 3 years ahead of me in the program. But as you might imagine, she struggled with just about every aspect of school. Many of her problems were of her own making: she fought with the dept. chair, she made a mess of her funding, she alienated potential mentors, etc. Meanwhile, my work progressed and I did pretty well: not the top of my class but I was publishing, earning kudos, grants, etc. Around the time we went up for the same award and I got it, she went sour on me. Like, she went from being my "very best friend" in the office to sniping me behind my back, unfriending me on facebook, and trying to get our mutual friends to join her in ostracizing me on campus. She sent me dozens of threatening emails (which only stopped when I threatened to report her for them); she tried to steal some resources from me through obfuscation; I would sometimes hear from people outside my university that she was bad-mouthing me to publishers, respected scholars, and at conferences.

 

This was all 2 years ago. She graduated and has taken a post far away from me. I have given up trying to "work it out," and have mostly forgotten about her.

 

EXCEPT for one issue: she's continuing to webstalk me. She cannot see me on Facebook (I blocked her long ago), but she regularly accesses my personal webpage, my academic webpage, and my LinkedIn account. I don't know to what purpose, but it's frequent enough to be alarming.

 

And she continues to try to interfere in my relationships with mutual friends. This is the issue I'm most worried about... because a couple of times, she has been successful at creating negativity, drama, and alienation between my friends and I. Two of our mutual friends no longer speak to me... and a third and I have a relationship so marked with tension that I fear losing touch with them. I know I cannot control what others think of me, or whether they listen to/entertain this malicious other party when she chooses to bad-mouth me.... but is there a way to protect myself against this kind of crap?

 

Examples of the aforementioned crap:

 

- mutual friend posts a group photo on Facebook, one in which I appeared. The toxic ex-colleague posts in the comments that I won some award for Academic Research because I'm friends with the selection committee, and that I talked **** about mutual friend (who had also been nominated for said award). Blatantly not true, but still caused some drama within my group of friends (many of whom were tagged in the post).

 

- telling another mutual friend (who is not white... I am white btw) that I regularly said racist things when we would hang out. Told this same friend that i didn't approve of her relationship with her husband because they were biracial. Also blatantly not true.

 

- on at least one occassion, she complained to a close friend of mine that I was sending her threatening emails. This one is most strange to me... because the only "threat" I sent was that if she did not stop harassing me, i would tell Human Resources. This same friend was well aware of her documented list of threats sent to me... so luckily that did not create much drama.

 

- On at least two occasions, this person went to people of importance in my field and told them that i was not minimally qualified to do the work I do. In one case, she told a publisher that I had been caught plagiarizing (not even remotely true). In the other case, she told a senior scholar who was mentoring me that i did not possess the language skills I say I do (again, a lie).

 

I was hoping that this stuff would subside after this toxic colleague moved elsewhere. She graduated, and so did I. But apparently, she's still at it. I've just found out about more crazy accusations being made on Facebook. I just don't know if there is something I can do to protect myself here... most of my close friends know she's bat-**** crazy and aren't going to buy any of her crap. But what about people who don't know me so well? Potential employers? etc?

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

She stopped when you threatened with complaining to the ppl in charge, why do you think that is true ?

 

Stalking someone is a crime that is incredibly hard to prove, because it has to be documented over a long period of time.

But this is not stalking, this is maliciously trying to destroy your career.

And not only do you have proof of it, but you have proof going back a long way.

I'm sure a few ppl will testify they also had problems with her and that she's nuts.

 

Talk to a lawyer and see if this is enough to go after her.

 

PS: You are in a battle of perception and you refuse to fight.

That can only spell trouble for you.

 

Fight it, fight the normal way, the legal way, without any sneaky punches, and with stuff that can be proven.

[nescafe1982]

She stopped when you threatened with complaining to the ppl in charge, why do you think that is true ?

 

Well, in that case, she was sending me threatening emails. Like daily, sometimes more than once daily. When it began, I engaged, trying to resolve the squabble that she brought to me (I'm a peacemaker and was engaging a bully... I see now how wrong-headed that was but I was scared that he negative feelings about me, well, mattered at the time).

 

When trying to talk it out failed, I told her something like "look, we're grown folks. If you want to talk this out in person, let's do that. if not, please don't email me anymore." Then I got a slew of emails full on invective. When that didn't stop for over a week, I told her "look, one more email from you and I will wrap these up in a bundle and send them to our thesis adviser, our department chair (e.g. the boss), and possibly to the university HR office. Stop it, now."

 

I didn't get any more emails after that. Of course, the harassment continued, but the biggest reason she stopped wasn't because I stood up to her. It was because she realized that she was making one hell of a paper trail.

 

So the other forms continued. Some even worsened. This was around the time she went about trying to muck up my courses (I was teaching at the time and she tried to convince my boss that I had not right to teach), steal resources (telling my thesis adviser I was not planning on taking my funding for X semester), and disrupt my committee work on campus (she led a crusade of haters against a group I chaired that year).

 

So it continued. It just wasn't in written, electronic format. At the time I chalked it up to "meh, you can't be a woman who succeeds in this industry without earning your share of haters."

 

But it's been years. And although I'm basically isolated from why real damage she could inflict (e.g. I'm no longer in a subordinate status as a junior grad student), she's apparently still trying.

 

I'm not interested in getting the law involved.... fighting this crap that way will just get my hands dirty too. But yeah, it is a little anxiety inducing.

[littleplanet]

Well, in that case, she was sending me threatening emails. Like daily, sometimes more than once daily. When it began, I engaged, trying to resolve the squabble that she brought to me (I'm a peacemaker and was engaging a bully... I see now how wrong-headed that was but I was scared that he negative feelings about me, well, mattered at the time).

 

When trying to talk it out failed, I told her something like "look, we're grown folks. If you want to talk this out in person, let's do that. if not, please don't email me anymore." Then I got a slew of emails full on invective. When that didn't stop for over a week, I told her "look, one more email from you and I will wrap these up in a bundle and send them to our thesis adviser, our department chair (e.g. the boss), and possibly to the university HR office. Stop it, now."

 

I didn't get any more emails after that. Of course, the harassment continued, but the biggest reason she stopped wasn't because I stood up to her. It was because she realized that she was making one hell of a paper trail.

 

So the other forms continued. Some even worsened. This was around the time she went about trying to muck up my courses (I was teaching at the time and she tried to convince my boss that I had not right to teach), steal resources (telling my thesis adviser I was not planning on taking my funding for X semester), and disrupt my committee work on campus (she led a crusade of haters against a group I chaired that year).

 

So it continued. It just wasn't in written, electronic format. At the time I chalked it up to "meh, you can't be a woman who succeeds in this industry without earning your share of haters."

 

But it's been years. And although I'm basically isolated from why real damage she could inflict (e.g. I'm no longer in a subordinate status as a junior grad student), she's apparently still trying.

 

I'm not interested in getting the law involved.... fighting this crap that way will just get my hands dirty too. But yeah, it is a little anxiety inducing.

 

Put as much of this paper trail aside as fits - and keep it safe.

Your main concern is potential damage she (might) be capable of doing to your professional reputation, in the future.

 

I work in a university, and as a staff person am protected by stiff monitoring and codes of conduct. Recently there have been changes made to include into this protection (to some degree) private, as well as working life.

Working for an institution that is dedicated to freedom from harrassment of any form, sexism, racism, etc. - these protocols help to minimize friction.

 

Of course - there are times when toes get stepped on. We're all only human and sometimes it can't be helped.

But the guidlines are there to keep the worst sorts of offences in check.

 

By the way....just out of curiosity - does any of this stuff happen to have anything to do with gender feminist issues?

I've been reading a bit of stuff by Christina Hoff Sommers lately - and it's real eye-opening. Vicious.

 

At any rate, if you have enough past documentation that proves a distinct pattern, should you ever need it, it's there.

Hopefully that won't ever be necessary.

Even crazy bullies are often smart enough to know there's a certain line they can never cross - otherwise they cut their own throats.

 

Hopefully, over time - it just fades.

[preraph]

Well, if you're afraid of the police, then hire an attorney to take her on.

[nescafe1982]

 

By the way....just out of curiosity - does any of this stuff happen to have anything to do with gender feminist issues?

I've been reading a bit of stuff by Christina Hoff Sommers lately - and it's real eye-opening. Vicious.

 

 

I haven't read any Sommers, but given when a google search pulls up, nah, it's not really that.

 

There is a way that my graduate institution contributed to the problem, though. My department there was (unfortunately) quite disfunctional and has a screwed up gender politics that encouraged women to compete with one another and cut each other's throats, mean-girls style.

 

I'm not sure how, um, deliberate it was. But basically, 90 percent of the time in that dept, if there was extra money, or an extra course, an award, a prestigious grant, etc... really anything of value... it went to one of the men. Despite that women comprised 60% of the grad student population. When a woman did get the limelight, it was usually that ONE woman... and she immediately became a target for a lot of unearned nastiness.

 

I saw it happen to women in that position before me. It happened to me. And I've since seen it happen to women who followed me. It's almost like my grad dept engaged in female tokenism. And that made a very ugly atmosphere for the female academics involved in the program.

 

Obviously, that didn't help. For a while, I sympathized with my bully because we were operating in a screwed up system... one which I was a beneficiary for a while. That had to suck to be in her situation, you know?

 

The other ways my department contributed to the problem were clear cut signs of bad program building:

- This woman, a fellow student, should not have been put in a position to be my "mentor" in the first place;

- My adviser was not trained in how to deal with office bullying, workplace conflict, or anything like that;

- There was no student orientation to show grad students how to deal with this stuff. So when it began, I had NO clue what to do... and it got worse as a result of my own bungling;

- the program itself was designed to place students into competition with one another over funding, resources, mentoring, often with little/no clarity, ground rules, or accountability. I saw a lot of downright unethical behavior there, and no one did anything about it.

- Students who complained about the system were punished, usually through the dissolution of their funding (kicked out, basically).

 

Dysfunctional academic departments are a dime a dozen these days, definitely. but the one I was in as a grad student instructor was a doozie. I do wonder how much of the insanity I saw there (from this person but also others) was literally institutionalized in our office.

[Haydn]

I agree with Radu. No compromise in your professional life.

 

Sometimes someone wants the life you have. Petty.

[Radu]

Plus, it's academia OP ... and no offense, but that generally is a place where back-stabbing passive-aggressive pri*ks thrive.

 

OP, you should do what is best for your career as this is the biggest danger.

If it crossed into career attacks, make sure you have proof her allegations are false.

[Tayla]

Truly flabbergasted that a viable and sensible recourse of legal advisal has been rebuked. Seems that the Op's remedies have failed yet suffers from the gee i hate to get my hands dirty syndrome. Try to reconsider legal help, its the avenue to stop this person and keep your reputation clean. Your hands remain dirty by keeping silent and passively allowing this person to make false statements.

[lollipopspot]

Plus, it's academia OP ... and no offense, but that generally is a place where back-stabbing passive-aggressive pri*ks thrive.

 

Why do you think that is?

[nescafe1982]

Why do you think that is?

 

I can take a stab at it. I think it's because the academy is an incredibly retrograde employment space. Academics labor under the culture of meritocracy, but in reality, the University is not at all meritocratic. We tell ourselves that if we work harder, better, smarter than everyone else, we will be promoted and rise to the top of our discipline. That's simply not true... but it creates some very negative feelings and unrealistic expectations in the meantime.

 

Also, most faculty are competing with one another for limited (and shrinking) resources. What's the saying? Something along the lines of "the lower the stakes, the more vicious the fight." I think there's something to that.

 

Then there might be why certain types of people choose academia in the first place: intellectual (or generalized) insecurity, an obsessive approach to work, lack of social skills... who knows. But those who stay in academe despite the fact that it is a place where passive aggressive backstabbing thrives, well... they do so because either a) they've learned how to successfully unplug from it/compartmentalize it, or b) they are consumed with trying to "win" the game. The latter are the ones to look out for, IMO.

 

Tayla, if you would like to pass judgement on me, you do not need to use the passive voice to do so. I find that incredibly irksome. I "rebuke" legal action for the same reason that most universities bury cases of professorial plagiarism. It's not "right"... I acknowledge that. BUT accusations make the accuser look just as bad as the accused in my line of work.

 

In a perfect world a person could simply sue anyone who defames them, end of story. But in the real world, it gets very, very messy, and no one who is an emerging academic wants to have the smell of scandal surrounding them. It isn't right. But it's how this screwed up industry works. Not to mention... erm, pressing charges against someone isn't going to make them shut up about me. If they want to talk dirty... they're going to talk dirty.

[preraph]

It sounds to me like you've got something to hide or you'd be willing to take action. As you said in your original post, she's already done damaging things to you, but you're unwilling to take any action to stop it, so that tells me you are afraid of something else coming out. Seeing an attorney doesn't necessarily mean lawsuit. It could mean he writes some well placed letters on your behalf which will make people sit up and decide not to enable this person.

 

You should just go ahead and tell people whatever it is you're afraid of her disclosing and beat her to it. Obviously, she's not going to stop. She's probably told them all that and more already.

[Sugarkane]

Keep all the threats as proof.

[nescafe1982]

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Edited May 25, 2014 by nescafe1982
<redacted>

[Tayla]

Edited

Tayla, if you would like to pass judgement on me, you do not need to use the passive voice to do so. I find that incredibly irksome. I "rebuke" legal action for the same reason that most universities bury cases of professorial plagiarism. It's not "right"... I acknowledge that. BUT accusations make the accuser look just as bad as the accused in my line of work.

.

 

Pardon as I'll permit you to re-read the post. .

Not sure how to interpret "passive voice" , can you give a more solid example with concrete meaning? I stand by the suggestion to reconsider legal advisal, funny how I considered my words supportive in the context of the topic.