My story

[annawulf]

In danger. Thinking about him, wondering too much whether he's just enjoying the weekend with his family. Trying to deep breathe and see through it and realise this is about me feeling invalidated, the worry is that he's not thinking about <b>me</b>. It's Sunday and I have a big week ahead at work, I haven't achieved as much as I meant to this weekend, I have to isolate what's not about him at all. The sun is out and my kids are amazing and I have to relish that and be happy with what I have. And get off the goddamn internet. This place helps but I swear being disciplined enough not to indulge the urge to think about him would help more.

[annawulf]

To him, and to cracking. I know he's at most a mile away. Have to concentrate on how empowering it will feel to go past on my way home. And, really, what would I achieve by getting in touch? Most likely he'd ignore me and I'd feel terrible/go mad. Writing for myself, really, but also in the hope it might strengthen anyone in a similar situation.

[A.Moscote]

Be strong, distract yourself and get busy with whatever chores there are. You have made it several days already, I'm sure you can brace through this again, at least through out this week. (Hey isn't it a big week? Make it indeed meaningful as well at the end of it).

 

Let's just assume he is happy with his family now as a way to preclude any attempt to contact him. You do know that ounce of satisfaction you can get from him is so short while, in fact is just another setback on your goal. Just think of the deception associated with it, isn't it nauseating?

 

Be patience anna, you can do this.

[annawulf]

Made it. All through the day and went straight past without looking. Feels good.

[annawulf]

Not sure anyone's still following... Had a <1min call yesterday and 2 texts today. Didn't make me feel bad and made me function without panic at a professional thing today. Ups and downs, swings and roundabouts. Will keep posting in the hope I help someone someday.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi annawulf

Your mm sounds very like mine and yes we do that tense neither speaking convos and then make each other laugh.

I am leaving my marriage, if he leaves wonderful but I am trying to get head round he might not.

I can't walk away from him, but do wonder when I will give up on him?

I admire thar you have reached that point

Go on the date!

[annawulf]

different guy, actually (!)

 

Feeling terrible about it. Have texted MM 3 times and called twice, all ignored. I guess I want him to tell me not to go, which is stupid, right? And controlling/manipulative/being a dick to the other guy by using him as a pawn. I should cancel. I'm a fool. But he's ignoring my messages, probably just carrying on as usual (how???). I know theoretically the sensible thing to do would be to go but I am just not sure I can go through with it. Know the guy pretty well and he is v. sweet but doesn't know anything about this situation and it's so hard to spend an evening ignoring the elephant in my headspace. Maybe better than staying home on my own obsessing about MM, though. Argh.

 

Sorry, all

 

and I can't even reply to the NC thread because my 'efforts' are laughable.

[annawulf]

And Poppy's sister - I haven't given up on him! I want to so much and I so desperately don't want to. I don't understand how I can stay so devoted to someone who consistently treats me (and his wife!) like crap. Granted he's a goodun as far as MMs go, but he's still a liar and a cheat by virtue of being one at all!

 

UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

 

Our mutual friend yesterday told me to watch The Private Lives of Pippa Lee as she has concerns about the age gap (it's 11 years rather than 30 in the film, love that she must think of me as very young as he is younger than she is!).

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I feel terribly for you. Your pain is understandable.

 

Even if he is someone you can have sympathy for, want to wait for and so on the fact is that he is not yet divorced. It doesn't matter right now what confusion he is in. He is simply not available. You must proceed even while in pain and uncertain as if he is not available. I know how difficult this is, bit YOU need space. You need the time to move on so that should he actually divorce he can approach this potential relationship in a sober, strong and invulnerable way.

 

Do not let him hold the puppet strings, lead your life, become strong, take independence from him fully in your own hands, move on and if he contacts you when he is FREE and single maybe a year or so from now and you still want him and you are both in a more stable place, great. But you do not want him while you are both weak.

 

He may be a great guy, you may be a great girl, but you are both caught up in confusion. If it was meant to be, it will be, but for now, NC until he is single.

[A.Moscote]

Anna, don't give up, you've done quite well so far, it's just minor slips. Start the NC again, no problem with that. In fact having those little setbacks, you can now make it longer, and more persevered from reaching out. Buckle up and be patient.

 

It is indeed not easy to forget someone we've been involved and bonded with. It's just expected that we can't completely avoid the emotional tumbling that came along when we try to move away from them (as you are going through right now).

 

At least, apart from those involuntary emotions, you still can rationally discern and be conscience of this situation. You are not delusional of the real picture. That is much better than many of us has fared. So be a bit proud of that, and please continue on that awareness and always consciously remind yourself of it, rather than just succumbed to the volatile emotions and desire. Hopefully by doing so will help you build up your strength and conviction.

 

Since you have already decided on a date, just take it easy and enjoy a new company. I was wrong before, suggesting not to, because now it seems having a date is better than staying at home obsessing about that false hope (yes, the MM).

 

You don't need to pretend so hard, it's okay not to able to ignore it, a pair of sorrow eyes can still be attractive. He's a sweet guy, hopefully understanding too, you don't have to deny that you're going through a relationship problem. Maybe he's that one knight eager to put on the shining armor for you.

[annawulf]

had a lovely evening. messaged MM so he knew it was going on - feel like a total heel. we'll see what happens tomorrow. I subjected him to an evening of torture basically because I wanted to feel my pain. that's not very noble. kissed the date but nothing more.

[Poppy's sister]

I hope you had nice evening. I know what you mean about wanting them tomorrow suffer! That's human nature, you are hurt your Survival instinct is to hurt back.

Really don't sweat it, it isn't nice But it doesn't make you a bad person .

It might be for you, you need to date and fill time with other activities and gradually you will find that he is a smaller and smaller elephant in your brain.

I have told my Ap that he needs to tell me clearly what his feelings for me are.

He needs to tell me what he wants and why we are still seeing each other.

It might be that he says he wants a life with me but can't see how we can.

At least it would be a start today open up conversation about if we did want it then how would logistics etc work.

We shall see

...

[Charlie Harper]

Not sure anyone's still following... Had a <1min call yesterday and 2 texts today. Didn't make me feel bad and made me function without panic at a professional thing today. Ups and downs, swings and roundabouts. Will keep posting in the hope I help someone someday.

 

Anna Imagine your relationship without drama, everything perfect, and 3 blissful years, and we had to let go to save a lot of people from hurt, and problems, no D day no drama, no begging.

 

Its been over a year of N.C. (almost we have talked to each other 4 times but mostly chit chat and bumping onto each other.

 

It was very painful I we both survived so will you… occupy yourself, do exercise, join yoga classes, you name it, focus on yourself… its the only way.

 

Best of luck

[annawulf]

So after the last post we had a HORRENDOUS day of sobbing for hours down the phone at each other. He still doesn't know what he wants, the counselling stuff he is going through is really serious, he is staying in his M whilst he deals with that. They are talking about how they would have to have date nights etc though he insisted there is no 'love framing'. It was too much of a head**** and I did 3.5 weeks NC, till today. I had my third date with someone else (purely FB material, he also has a girlfriend which clearly is not ideal but is in some ways because at least I could get a distraction and not worry about breaking the other person's heart/being disingenuous by going on a date when I'm in love with someone else - also he is 11 years younger than me so mirrors me and the MM but gap feels HUGE in this case, he is legal though and very, very handsome). I slept with him and just can't handle it, feel like I'll never find what I had with MM again in a physical way, where love and lust add together in a chemical, synergistic way rather than pure arithmetic. Also he had to leave afterwards which obviously has associations (not that I particularly wanted him to stay for himself, maybe just having someone there which makes me feel sad and pathetic). Have texted, called and emailed MM today, nothing particularly desperate but it has definitely thrown me back in there and I infuriate myself by forgetting every time how desolate and maddening the lack of response is (though I knew he probably wouldn't respond). What would I say to him anyway? Hey, I f***ed someone 22 years younger than you last night?

 

I'm a MESS. Must remember how great I have felt for the last three weeks and bury myself in work or reading or writing. Have no kids for the weekend which is not going to help. Also had sad triggers to do with my dead parents. Have to try and imagine like above that I miss MM for someone rather than himself. God, I sound so tragic.

 

Hope you're all ok. I follow your stories but try to keep away if I'm doing well at not thinking about him 24hours a day. Cookie, Waverley etc you're amazing for maintaining NC and not going psycho about it. I admire you all for your strength and thoughtfulness.

[SoleMate]

I had my third date with someone else (purely FB material, he also has a girlfriend which clearly is not ideal but is in some ways because at least I could get a distraction and not worry about breaking the other person's heart/being disingenuous by going on a date when I'm in love with someone else - also he is 11 years younger than me so mirrors me and the MM but gap feels HUGE in this case, he is legal though and very, very handsome). I slept with him and just can't handle it, feel like I'll never find what I had with MM again in a physical way, where love and lust add together in a chemical, synergistic way rather than pure arithmetic. Also he had to leave afterwards which obviously has associations (not that I particularly wanted him to stay for himself, maybe just having someone there which makes me feel sad and pathetic).

 

Anna.......

 

Where do I start......

 

The MM is not going to leave his wife. You've both spent many hours sobbing together but he still doesn't leave. Whatever he feels for you and wants from you, it doesn't require him leaving, so he doesn't. This is an old story....read this forum going back 10+ years.

 

I would support you going out on dates, but only if:

 

* the men are available (not committed elsewhere)

* you don't have first date (or third date) sex with them

* you treat them honestly and fairly

 

SO sorry to hear you found another committed man who had what sounds like depressing, meaningless sex with you and then walked out, leaving you sadly alone. That's what you should be trying to get AWAY from! Not replicating.

 

I suggest you see a qualified therapist and get evaluated for depression or other psychological conditions. I want you to stop putting yourself in situations that foreseeably will, and do, result in harm.

[annawulf]

God, sorry, it wasn't that bad. It was a suggestion from mutual friends of ours and I thought 'why not?', as I need something to distract me and I can't seem to do dates with uncommitted people without messing them around owing to the aforementioned being-in-love-with-another business. I'm sure time will unwind this but in the meantime I was going crazy and needed something else to distract me - this worked really well. You're right, I shouldn't have slept with him.

 

I had a therapist but the therapy finished a week before the sobbing conversations following the previous date (who I have now ended up messing around as he was really keen and I was prevaricating about going out again). I guess maybe I should get some more.

 

Thanks, SoleMate, it's always good to get a strident opinion! I really trust these mutual friends to be looking out for me (they know MM well and know all about us) but I guess perhaps they didn't think it through. I think they also want Other Committed Man to get out of his relationship (he is very young and I think he does too but needs a push, happy to be his exit as I have no interest in being with him longer term). I guess casual sex is great in theory but I need to know that I am no good at it in practice.

[annawulf]

Wow, that made interesting reading.

 

So it's 16 months on. Soon after the end of this thread I met a phenomenal new group of friends (and added in an old friend returning to my home country from far away) who have totally revolutionised my life. I've been incredibly happy and content until a month ago. Have had contact with MM, various periods of NC/LC but never for that long (maybe three months? I can't even remember). Still, I have reached a point where I feel my happiness no longer depends on him at all. He's still saying he loves me more etc - I'm in a place where I feel I'd give it a go if he were single but I don't mind if that never happens. We got to a place where we could talk about it all calmly and I understand his position and a lot more about how he got to be the person he is. It may well be that staying in the marriage is the best thing for him. She contacted me (butt out, basically) in the fall and I never responded. We have seen each other four times since the last thread, first two contentious and last two recent and lovely but with no sexual contact - I have recently suffered a trauma and he has been incredibly supportive.

 

So there can be a good resolution (for me; I think he's still pretty mixed up) without either pole (NC/relationship) occurring.

 

I hope you're all doing well. This is a bit jumbled, sorry, but I hope it can be of comfort to someone. X

[Dutchman1]

Dear Anna,sorry for the drama you're in.

From the first paragraph I thought: Ah, just another cheating wife, there's 13 of them in a dozen here, but reading further I conclude I was a bit wrong, so I apologize.

I think even you played a devious game, you still didn't deserve this.

Anna If people tell you that they love you, than they will go out of their way not to hurt you. People shouldn't make promises and future fake.

 

Your MM is not going to leave his wife. He's a loser, he will string you along with smooth words.

Anna, you deserve so much better than being MM's booty call.

 

First find peace with yourself alone, don't go looking for extern happiness.

It's within you, and when you don't go looking one day your SINGLE prince will be there.

 

Take care

 

 

Dutchman 1

[truncated]

I'm not trying to be rude, but if he loves you, why doe she treat you this way? Why has he been breaking your heart for more than a year while he sorts himself out?

 

If he loved you,really and truly loved you, he would set you free, have no further contact with you and then go and figure out what he wants. If it's you, he'd end things with his wife, and only when the ink is dry on his divorce papers would he come to you and ask if you still want him.

 

He's not doing that. Instead, the way he's acting reminds me of those slot machines at a casino. You can seem so close to winning the jackpot that you keep on trying until you are broke, meanwhile, the whole thing is rigged so the house will always come out on top.

 

That's not love, that's using someone.

[Sweetgirlie]

I'm not trying to be rude, but if he loves you, why doe she treat you this way? Why has he been breaking your heart for more than a year while he sorts himself out?

 

If he loved you,really and truly loved you, he would set you free, have no further contact with you and then go and figure out what he wants. If it's you, he'd end things with his wife, and only when the ink is dry on his divorce papers would he come to you and ask if you still want him.

 

He's not doing that. Instead, the way he's acting reminds me of those slot machines at a casino. You can seem so close to winning the jackpot that you keep on trying until you are broke, meanwhile, the whole thing is rigged so the house will always come out on top.

 

That's not love, that's using someone.

 

'If he loved you, truly loved you, he would set you free, have no further contact with you and then go figure out what he wants.'

 

 

Is that is true, if MM love you they will set you free? Mine did. I'm hoping that's why...I would think they would want to continue and hold on, that's what I feel like doing! Though I have been NC.... Can you explain??

[wbm665]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry. Your story sounds so much like mine. Leaving a spouse and falling into an affair. I didn't even know I was the OW for months ... Thought we were both separated only to find out he is a pathological liar. Wife knows all about me too and hasn't ever contacted me. Supposedly she wants the divorce as much as he does and had 3 affairs before they split the first time. He just wants to be the family man that he pretends to be.

 

Stay strong and stay on NC. You CAN do it. You found a normal relationship after your MM only to give it up. There is hope for you. For us.

 

Thoughts for you.

[Sunburst]

Is that is true, if MM love you they will set you free? Mine did. I'm hoping that's why...I would think they would want to continue and hold on, that's what I feel like doing! Though I have been NC.... Can you explain??

 

They should set you free not to string you along and not to hurt you anymore. If you love someone you wish them no harm and if MM knows the amount of damage he's causing, he should let you go and stop the hurting.

But we all know human emotions and yes, when you love someone you want to hold on... Cause we're scared to lose the person. Takes a lot of will power to stop holding. My MM wanted to hold on - or as I think to keep me there to make himself more content I suppose. Having everything.

It's incredibly hard, cause he went back and left the decision to end it on my shoulders. You might not think so, but maybe it's even easier when they leave you no choice. I had to say enough of this and constantly feel as if it's my fault for us not talking. I constantly dream about just holding him for a minute, but how do I ever move on if I let it happen again and again? I would lose the last tiny bits of myself and he would carry on taking it. Completely twisted.