What do you all think when you hear the cheater's version

[AlteredStarrling]

I think I just stumbled upon a guy's post somewhere on an infidelity section just recently and don't remember the if it was this site or elsewhere but his story sounded smiliar to what I have done to my now ex fiance. Oh dear, I guess the world is so small.

 

Not sure if it was indeed him because it sounded so familiar. When I read all of it, I just started crying again. It was so detailed that omg, I would like to think it was him. It sounded like him.

 

If it's him, I would like to say I'll forever live with this guilt. I'm still single since Sept of last year as a result. So what would you all say if I were to say the cheating fiancee was me (if the guy who posted was indeed him). Then again, not sure if that was him. I have no excuse for what I did. I already had been scolded harshly by both my parents and certain close members. I disappointed lots of people. I let down everyone. Please no insults. I really wish I would take it all back, to go back in time.

Edited May 13, 2014 by AlteredStarrling

[revelations]

AlteredStarrling,

Well I would not know what I would say since I do not cheat. I can tell you what a BH or ex fiance would want to hear. Remember though that anything you say to them may still be taken with a grain of salt or not even believed at all. Truthfully the major thing that may help in your case is that you are no longer together. So the only thing that may be read into it is wanting to try a relationship again. Now if this is actually the ex fiance you cheated on he may also react very harshly even after this amount of time. Truth is remember that your actions have caused another person to change and not for the better. Anyhow I will write out for you something that as a BS may help us change our perspective a bit.

 

"I cheated on you and hurt you in the worse way possible. For that I am deeply sorry and I am still filled with guilt to this day by it. I would like you to know that your in no way at fault for this. We may have fought at times, we may not have given each other the attention that we needed. These are things I should have been able to handle better. I was wrong for cheating on you and the pain that I caused you will forever haunt me. I know that there is nothing I can do to undo your pain. I have remain single since September of last year to work on myself and for fear of causing pain to someone else. Please know that I understand why you do not wish to be with me anymore and I would probably feel the same way in your shoes. I am a woman who was not able to give you the love and respect that you deserve. The only thing I can do now is offer my sincere apology and offer you friendship. You may not want this friendship, again I do not blame you. I just want you to know that I am their for you if you so choose to want me as a friend. Please do not hold what I have done to you against a new love you may have. Understand that all women are not like me. Some are able to give love and respect in ways that I was not capable of showing you. I am truly sorry for what I have done to you and I am ashamed of myself. I know I have no right to ask it, but please forgive me."

 

Now you may choose to word it a bit differently, however the key thing is to take responsibility for what you have done. Remain humble, show remorse, sorrow, guilt and shame for you actions. Truthfully you may have done all of these things, fact is that your ex may not believe it. Remember that for someone that is betrayed they have a very hard time believing anything that you say. I am not saying any of this to put you down or make you feel worse than what you already feel. I am just pointing out facts. I actually have a bit of a rant that I posted on what some of us BH's go through when we find out we have been cheated on. Feel free to read it and even reply if you like. Please know that not all BS's feel the way I do nor do they always follow my same path. For me it was just better to leave and remain single. My life has been getting better day by day. However this is because I am free from women and the pain they cause. Okay here is the link below.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

[AlteredStarrling]

I read your post and sorry for the pain you went through. Neither you nor my ex fiance deserved any of that. You're right, nothing what I say would make my BS believe me nor erase the pain I gave him.

 

The look in eyes, his sadness at the time and the way he was so calmed the whole time as he asked why. I mean, he didn't even yell at me nor showed anger but rather got silent and almost on the verge of tears as he was also helping me pack my stuff and actually listened to everything I was saying. I'm positive sure he didn't believe a word coming from my mouth and I don't blame him.

 

The most painful part was both of us having to explain to my parents the reason the engagement was broken off. I let them down and everything they have taught me about love, morals and respect. They were pissed off at me for treating him like that. He was well liked in my family. I threw away everything.

 

Thank you for the sharing the link. I read it. You're right. I have transformed into a monster before his eyes at that moment.

[Zahara]

Altered, I have been cheated on by two past ex-boyfriends.

 

When you're in the midst of it, in bed or in the moment with your cheating partner, are you thinking about home, your bf, how wrong it is, I should stop, etc.? What's going on in your head?

[AlteredStarrling]

Altered, I have been cheated on by two past ex-boyfriends.

Sorry you had to go through that. Hope you found someone that was able to give you the love you deserve.

When you're in the midst of it, in bed or in the moment with your cheating partner, are you thinking about home, your bf, how wrong it is, I should stop, etc.? What's going on in your head?

Thank you for asking and it's a very good question. He was my fiance at the time and during the cheating (no excuse at all for what I did), it feels at that moment that you're escaping from reality. It's like you were in Fantasyland for a while and you finally snap out of it when it's too late. Though you do expressed feelings of absolute guilt afterwards, it's when you get caught and realize what you've done and see their pain for the first time, you truly wish you had never done that. You want to take away the pain and make them feel better but can't.

[Zahara]

Sorry you had to go through that. Hope you found someone that was able to give you the love you deserve.

Thank you for asking and it's a very good question. He was my fiance at the time and during the cheating (no excuse at all for what I did), it feels at that moment that you're escaping from reality. It's like you were in Fantasyland for a while and you finally snap out of it when it's too late. Though you do expressed feelings of absolute guilt afterwards, it's when you get caught and realize what you've done and see their pain for the first time, you truly wish you had never done that. You want to take away the pain and make them feel better but can't.

 

Thank you but you don't have to apologize. It was for the best that it all happened. They've continued being cheaters.

 

Seeing your perspective on it, I understand you using it as an escape route to avoid the issues that were going on in your relationship with your fiance. The redeeming factor in this is that you are remorseful and you would do anything to change what happened versus someone that is an inherent cheater and has no self-awareness.

 

Do you want the relationship back or was this just a catalyst for an already dying and unsalvageable relationship?

[AlteredStarrling]

Do you want the relationship back or was this just a catalyst for an already dying and unsalvageable relationship?

We've been in NC for the longest and the last time I wrote to him was a while back, apologizing again and told him that if he wanted a friendship at some point, I'm there for him. Off course he didn't reply back. I have left him alone since. Our engagement wasn't dying at all. Though we did had our arguments ever now and then like any normal couple and there were certain past issues I had unrelated to the relationship, we were ok overall. I missed him still though.

[Zahara]

We've been in NC for the longest and the last time I wrote to him was a while back, apologizing again and told him that if he wanted a friendship at some point, I'm there for him. Off course he didn't reply back. I have left him alone since. Our engagement wasn't dying at all. Though we did had our arguments ever now and then like any normal couple and there were certain past issues I had unrelated to the relationship, we were ok overall. I missed him still though.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. For some, cheating is forgiveable, for some it just isn't. Maybe he's not even sure what he wants and can't respond to you. Maybe he's accepted the fact that he has to walk away. In any case, it's best for you to keep going forward as well. I hope you heal from this and find your perspective.

[drifter777]

We've been in NC for the longest and the last time I wrote to him was a while back, apologizing again and told him that if he wanted a friendship at some point, I'm there for him. Off course he didn't reply back. I have left him alone since. Our engagement wasn't dying at all. Though we did had our arguments ever now and then like any normal couple and there were certain past issues I had unrelated to the relationship, we were ok overall. I missed him still though.

Leave this poor man alone - you've caused enough damage to him.

 

You asked for "no insults" but the question you asked as the title of this thread asks for answers. I'm a betrayed husband and when I hear the cheaters version I nearly always think "what a load of crap". People can and do rationalize every bad thing they do so that they can live with themselves. Nobody thinks they are a "bad person" - not even serial killers - because their mind finds a way to excuse their behavior no matter how atrocious it actually is. Cheating is not the same thing as murdering innocents, but most of us think of it as a selfish, disgusting thing to do. So when we do it ourselves we are able to find "reasons" that what we did was somehow justified or at the very least we find excuses like "he wasn't paying enough attention to me" or some such nonsense. If a person is so narcissistic that they think their partner ought to be worshipping them and entertaining them as long as they are together then they are going to be disappointed with "love". Real life doesn't work this way, but a narcissistic person will use this to entitle them to cheat. There are lots of other bulls*t reasons like "I was drunk" or "it just happened" but none of them excuse cheating and certainly don't mitigate the damage they do to their partner.

[Editbee]

I think I just stumbled upon a guy's post somewhere on an infidelity section just recently and don't remember the if it was this site or elsewhere but his story sounded smiliar to what I have done to my now ex fiance. Oh dear, I guess the world is so small.

Wasn't there was a male poster before whose fiancee cheated just last year? He too broke it off in Sept. I think his name was Kent or something?? Not sure. That's all I remembered.

 

I read your posts (this one and another one you made) and from the sound of it, seems like your fiance found out about your in a way he probably has to live with the bad memories of what you did. Why do I get the feeling that he could have overheard you or something to do with direct triggers. You avoided certain question in your other thread pertaining to how he found out, when and where as someone else mentioned too. I assume in a bad way since you aren't telling the whole version. If that happened then I hate to bring the bad news and this isn't to judge you but the chances of him coming back or even wanting a friendship with you is zero. Men are totally visual beings and to them the physical part kills them immediately. They only time a man would probably consider working out cheating is maybe if the woman came up to him the next day and confess on her own. Even then he can still break up but a friendship would be concerned later down the road.

 

It sounds like he had to find out and catch you. This hurts even more because it's like telling him you would have still done it more times if you had the chance to.

 

What you can do is work on yourself and hope that was the last message you wrote to him. Don't contact him further since it would only hurt him even more.

[Editbee]

You know the sound Charlie Brown's parents make whenever they talk? That is what I hear from a cheater with "their version". It is always full of blah blah blah and lame excuses.

Oh good old Charlie Brown. I remembered hearing when his parents talk. It wasn't even a talk but just blah, blah sound. That's indeed a great description when listening to a cheater's excuses. In the end, nothing they say makes sense.

 

Op, this isn't to offend you but I was too cheated once and no matter what he gave out 5 years later, they are still excuses. I'll never get what's the point of getting pleasure from someone else while still being in a relationship.

[AlteredStarrling]

I'm sorry to hear that. For some, cheating is forgiveable, for some it just isn't. Maybe he's not even sure what he wants and can't respond to you. Maybe he's accepted the fact that he has to walk away. In any case, it's best for you to keep going forward as well. I hope you heal from this and find your perspective.

It was unforgiveable what I did. I cheated in such a horrible way. I'm moving on but it's also hard to forgive myself for treating him like that. I still have trouble going to sleep at times.

Leave this poor man alone - you've caused enough damage to him.

I have. That was really my last message. I wasn't asking to be taken back but just stating how there was no excuse for what I did and how I'm willing to offer him a friendship if he wants to one day. It was really my bye message wishing him the best and that he finds someone better.

[AlteredStarrling]

Wasn't there was a male poster before whose fiancee cheated just last year? He too broke it off in Sept. I think his name was Kent or something?? Not sure. That's all I remembered.

Ok so the world is small. Yes, that's his name. He was here???

 

I read your posts (this one and another one you made) and from the sound of it, seems like your fiance found out about your in a way he probably has to live with the bad memories of what you did. Why do I get the feeling that he could have overheard you or something to do with direct triggers. You avoided certain question in your other thread pertaining to how he found out, when and where as someone else mentioned too. I assume in a bad way since you aren't telling the whole version. If that happened then I hate to bring the bad news and this isn't to judge you but the chances of him coming back or even wanting a friendship with you is zero. Men are totally visual beings and to them the physical part kills them immediately. They only time a man would probably consider working out cheating is maybe if the woman came up to him the next day and confess on her own. Even then he can still break up but a friendship would be concerned later down the road.

You're right though. I don't want to go into deep details. I cheated in such a horrible way that I'm so disgusted with myself and will be for a very long time.

It sounds like he had to find out and catch you. This hurts even more because it's like telling him you would have still done it more times if you had the chance to.

Thing is I was feeling guilty too but also escaping reality at the same time.

What you can do is work on yourself and hope that was the last message you wrote to him. Don't contact him further since it would only hurt him even more.

Yes, that was the last message. I haven't contact him since and won't. Edited May 14, 2014 by AlteredStarrling

[painfullyobvious]

After cheating all you can really do is figure out why you did it and learn from it. I was cheated and it was the most awful thing I've been through. Hope you can learn why you cheated.