My life has been a royal f*** up

[jonsnuh]

I feel like academically, my life has been full of mistakes. One was falling in love with someone that was the right person, at the wrong time.

 

It's been mainly due to lack of information, lack of clear self-awareness, self-delusion. These things had only led to depression and anxiety that resulted in isolating myself when I needed help most. This severely impacted my academic record and decision making. Furthermore, this has only led to huge opportunity costs, a waste of my time and effort, and complete lack of direction.

 

I feel like I got into the wrong major, the wrong school when I should have switched to another program. My accounting designation path is going to take longer considering major changes to the accreditation process happening in Canada. I thought I was going to be a somebody by now, and done enough things (like travel before I get older).

 

On top of this, there are responsibilities that are progressively getting worse. I may have to support my parents due to their age, health, and limited education/certification/designation in an increasingly competitive market tat seeks overqualified applicants. I am also experiencing little to no success in getting interviews, and I am only now recovering from what was an implosion in my very last term. Now I'm trying to figure out if I should graduate now or to do another term, and where that might lead me.

 

I'm not sure what to live for anymore. Counselling hasn't helped. Seeking career counselling hasn't helped. It's only after the fact, that I find out my education is pretty useless. It's like I've done myself in, if not by forces I cannot control.

 

I'm tired. I feel like what I've done so far to get back in shape, to readjust and to remove myself from the environment shame, the anxiety and reminder of failure has only been running away from my issues. My marks stick with me for life. And I don't know where to go from here. Grad school (more debt, is it even a possibility)? Work? What now?

 

I am not asking for pity. Pity gets me no where. I had wallowed enough in self-pity that it's been unproductive. It's alright if LS doesn't say anything. I just needed to vent, and hopefully inspire some other people who could be going through the same.

 

Time I lie in the bed I made, and figure if and when I get out of it.

Edited May 13, 2014 by jonsnuh

[Erlaad]

One was falling in love with someone that was the right person, at the wrong time.

 

Falling in love is never a mistake unless it leads you to self-destruct in order to please somebody, in my opinion. And even then, the misstake lies in the action, not in the feelings. May I ask what happened to make you say this?

 

On top of this, there are responsibilities that are progressively getting worse. I may have to support my parents due to their age, health, and limited education/certification/designation in an increasingly competitive market tat seeks overqualified applicants. I am also experiencing little to no success in getting interviews, and I am only now recovering from what was an implosion in my very last term. Now I'm trying to figure out if I should graduate now or to do another term, and where that might lead me.

 

May I ask how old are you? By my country's standards you should be around 23-24 in order to graduate this term, but it might not true. I think it's important to put yourself in perspective in relation to you life path.

 

I'm not sure what to live for anymore. Counselling hasn't helped. Seeking career counselling hasn't helped. It's only after the fact, that I find out my education is pretty useless. It's like I've done myself in, if not by forces I cannot control.

 

I'm tired. I feel like what I've done so far to get back in shape, to readjust and to remove myself from the environment shame, the anxiety and reminder of failure has only been running away from my issues. My marks stick with me for life. And I don't know where to go from here. Grad school (more debt, is it even a possibility)? Work? What now?

 

[...]

 

Time I lie in the bed I made, and figure if and when I get out of it.

 

While it is possible to be "marked", I do not believe that you're "marked for life". Everything can be washed away, and there is always a chance to start anew. Think about all the famous people that began their life as outcasts or forsaken and then found their way to greatness - take your favourite example to mind (mine could mean very little to you).

 

I think you might need to put yourself in perspective. It's okay to have bad periods in life - it doesn't make you a fail or a monster. What is relevant is what you do about it. Don't like your bed? Go out there and get a new one.

 

I know it's easier said than done, what do you have to loose? Hang in there, and if you need to vent more, know that at least I will be reading.

 

Hugs,

- Erl

[learning_slowly]

I agree, however far down you are, there is always up:)

[gaius]

All I can really suggest is to try and develop some purpose in life beyond your professional career that can keep you getting up every day. I like to daydream and invent. Even if someday something catastrophic happens and I end up a homeless bum I think I'll still enjoy getting up everyday just to start imagining what happens next.

 

It's important to have something like that. People very rarely get it from their career, and even more rarely get it from going to school. There's not much true purpose in any of that anymore. Just a means to an end.

[Haydn]

We all have paths we could have taken but didn`t. You are being hard on yourself. You fall in love when you fall in love. Cannot choose. If it ......s up then you have hopefully learned and gained by it. Coming to LS is a good step. People can be hard or kind or pretty crazy. Hang in there. Vent away to us.

 

Take care.

[Haydn]

I reckon you should graduate. A few more options never hurt. My Dad died in August, pretty young. My mum is in her 50`s and unable to really push on at the moment. Life can be pretty brutal at times. We all seem to mess up or be messed up in some RS. (Not all). Heartbreak is a set back. It is real. But you sound like a sensible fella. You have a good sense of humour and if you want to travel then work a few ****ty jobs if you have to and save and go. A few trips can really open your eyes, meet new people. Don`t want you to think what i am saying sounds so simplistic. Its not, most things in life we want are hard to get. I am still waiting for Shakira to text back. NC for her.

[Brenda G. Hansen]

I think that one of the things that you have that many others lack is self-awareness. The fact that you able to identify issues and discuss them is one of the indicators that you are going to be able to change things around eventually. I hope that even small, gradual changes are going to inspire you.

[jonsnuh]

I think that one of the things that you have that many others lack is self-awareness. The fact that you able to identify issues and discuss them is one of the indicators that you are going to be able to change things around eventually. I hope that even small, gradual changes are going to inspire you.

 

My therapist says this is a double-edged sword because I become too self-critical and not self-compassionate. One of the real reasons why I've been such an awesome candidate as a Christian, I suppose.

 

The truth is, I only observe. I don't know who I really am, and thus I question myself. Problem is, there isn't enough time in the world to do this and it is frequently diverts me from other things that matter in life. Future professional-- /scoff.

[writergal]

Choose a different path than the one you're on. See where that road takes you; what opportunities and what experiences and what relationships it will bring into your life.

 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again.

 

Everything you perceive that you lack, is just that, a perception. It's not reality. You have everything you need within you.

 

The path that you've been on has been the wrong path. You somehow know this deep down but haven't taken the steps yet to forge a new path for yourself.

 

Pool your resources together to check off the practical responsibilities. First, your parents. Can they get care from another source aside from you?

 

Take time off school. Go travel. Take up a hobby. Do something different than what you've been doing, because it hasn't been working for you. It's made your miserable.

 

You don't need counseling. You just need to make changes in your life. Once you do that, your perspective will shift and you will view life differently.

 

I feel like academically, my life has been full of mistakes. One was falling in love with someone that was the right person, at the wrong time.

 

It's been mainly due to lack of information, lack of clear self-awareness, self-delusion. These things had only led to depression and anxiety that resulted in isolating myself when I needed help most. This severely impacted my academic record and decision making. Furthermore, this has only led to huge opportunity costs, a waste of my time and effort, and complete lack of direction.

 

I feel like I got into the wrong major, the wrong school when I should have switched to another program. My accounting designation path is going to take longer considering major changes to the accreditation process happening in Canada. I thought I was going to be a somebody by now, and done enough things (like travel before I get older).

 

On top of this, there are responsibilities that are progressively getting worse. I may have to support my parents due to their age, health, and limited education/certification/designation in an increasingly competitive market tat seeks overqualified applicants. I am also experiencing little to no success in getting interviews, and I am only now recovering from what was an implosion in my very last term. Now I'm trying to figure out if I should graduate now or to do another term, and where that might lead me.

 

I'm not sure what to live for anymore. Counselling hasn't helped. Seeking career counselling hasn't helped. It's only after the fact, that I find out my education is pretty useless. It's like I've done myself in, if not by forces I cannot control.

 

I'm tired. I feel like what I've done so far to get back in shape, to readjust and to remove myself from the environment shame, the anxiety and reminder of failure has only been running away from my issues. My marks stick with me for life. And I don't know where to go from here. Grad school (more debt, is it even a possibility)? Work? What now?

 

I am not asking for pity. Pity gets me no where. I had wallowed enough in self-pity that it's been unproductive. It's alright if LS doesn't say anything. I just needed to vent, and hopefully inspire some other people who could be going through the same.

 

Time I lie in the bed I made, and figure if and when I get out of it.

[pink_sugar]

I agree with the others that allowing your educational and professional life to consume you isn't good. For many years and sometimes even today, I have based my self worth on my academic or professional accomplishments. I feel unworthy or something is wrong with me if I'm not always doing great at something. I went through many majors in college before I was sure what I wanted to do career wise. I fell in love at 16 and I never planned to have a boyfriend at all. It changed me in so many ways. I honestly let my education slip as well....I was just so head over heels at the time. But most of us are young and stupid at some point. You start learning to prioritize and understand what you really want out of life.

[learning_slowly]

Yes I have to agree. And if you really want to, get a job and save up and do any course you want.

 

The problem is working out what you want from life. Write a list of 5 things. Then look at ways to achieve them. Review them every year as our goals change.

[jonsnuh]

Choose a different path than the one you're on. See where that road takes you; what opportunities and what experiences and what relationships it will bring into your life.

 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again.

 

Everything you perceive that you lack, is just that, a perception. It's not reality. You have everything you need within you.

 

The path that you've been on has been the wrong path. You somehow know this deep down but haven't taken the steps yet to forge a new path for yourself.

 

A massive problem is not knowing where and how to start with my past faults. I am playing the game that most schools value work experience and high entrance marks to compensate for a low GPA. More importantly, I know where I am isn't for me but I don't know what might be. I have mentioned in previous threads or LSers that I do want to consider my childhood dream as a doctor, but since then I have been mindful of my limitations.

 

Pool your resources together to check off the practical responsibilities. First, your parents. Can they get care from another source aside from you?

 

I strongly feel I have familial obligations to my mother, my father, and my sister. This is even without the guilt-tripping that my father has voiced (of which he is insecure about after I become independent). This is also part of the culture my parents grew up coming from a big family that lived in festering and destitute poverty. I had always wanted a sister and I feel like I threw that on my parents when I was only 4 or 5. We were close but grew apart starting with when I dislocated her arm playing with her, and when broke our trust when I sought my parents' approval as a hypocritical ethical police officer. Once again, shame separate the worlds between my sister and I despite living in the same house, washroom, and being next door to each other. I would do a lot for them, but with my individuality in shambles I cannot help but keep my guard up to avoid being manipulated even if it was unintentional or if my parents had no idea of how it would affect me.

 

I have ambition and aspirations, and my counsellors have mentioned that I see the bigger picture. It might have to do with the instant gratification expectation I have which is highly unrealistic, where I neglect the smaller steps. This results in me not getting anything done, and being hard on myself when I fail if the steps are too big.

 

Take time off school. Go travel. Take up a hobby. Do something different than what you've been doing, because it hasn't been working for you. It's made your miserable.

 

I've got a full-time job offer starting in a few weeks at a smaller city where I plan to save up and to get my life back in order. It's not something I will like, but it'll at least provide me with a decent way to put food on the table with the skills I have at the moment and a way out. Travelling is quite expensive. I get shot down by my parents because of flight expenses, and we always end up choosing plans that involve the family together in cheap places that I am indifferent to. Yes, I am being picky, but I also do appreciate that this is time well spent given that we will only be together for a small amount of time. It also grounds me in a world full of compromise, to do something I haven't done since 2010 when I missed my cousin's wedding and 4 other family trips because of work/school obligations.

 

You don't need counseling. You just need to make changes in your life. Once you do that, your perspective will shift and you will view life differently.

You're right in one sense. I've been and feel stagnant, and I need my momentum and mojo back. Counselling and therapy help me keep in check. Once in a while, I feel I'd rather be out of the therapist's office and doing something. But, more than once... a lot of things I've done haven't been appreciated and have add very little value to my life. Yes, perhaps it has built character, but all of it has been blown away with someone I had invested and trusted with my life who didn't see eye to eye.

 

I know my self-worth, and I get told I'm a big shot by my father and being full of myself like when I'm seriously considering a negotiation offer (referred to on other thread). My first love had complained about my massive ego which was counterbalanced with my humility, and lack of empathy which I thought I had when I made the most significant changes I could in my position to her life.

 

All in all though, I don't feel broken. I don't want people's pity and my pride beaten but intact.

[jonsnuh]

I agree with the others that allowing your educational and professional life to consume you isn't good. For many years and sometimes even today, I have based my self worth on my academic or professional accomplishments. I feel unworthy or something is wrong with me if I'm not always doing great at something. I went through many majors in college before I was sure what I wanted to do career wise. I fell in love at 16 and I never planned to have a boyfriend at all. It changed me in so many ways. I honestly let my education slip as well....I was just so head over heels at the time. But most of us are young and stupid at some point. You start learning to prioritize and understand what you really want out of life.

 

What I want out of life cannot be done without years of schooling. This is the reality I face. That feeling of knowing that you are fully capable of greater things. It comes down to discipline, determination, prioritization, and perseverance. This is a danger of being self-aware. You begin to question why you might be taking these courses, like a circus monkey jumping through hoops as Salieri's father put it in the movie Amadeus. But it comes down to whether I want to be good at it.

 

Momentum is a big thing. People who are successful and have spotless track records are supported and put on pedestals, whereas those who struggle have it much harder because non-success breeds... well it might/might not be success. And there are plenty of people who are in this place. Like playing on the piano, you must be in motion before you can strike the key, and a runner needs ample energy to push off the ground the hardest before going through revolutions and other resistance or obstacles becoming more efficient with travel.

 

Yes I have to agree. And if you really want to, get a job and save up and do any course you want.

 

The problem is working out what you want from life. Write a list of 5 things. Then look at ways to achieve them. Review them every year as our goals change.

 

I'm rather bad at keeping notes or writing things down. Might be laziness, I like to keep things in my mind, and I'd rather not have others see it. I also don't like being reminded of failures because I tend to be fully accountable. And I realize after writing this... I'm just being lazy

[hoping2heal]

There are always opportunities to start over and improve, always.

 

There are no quick and easy fixes aside from doing it the hard way, but it's doable!

 

Try reading about people who have pushed past their mistakes. Try to remember you aren't the first person anyone has heard of who had a rough go academically, or otherwise. The hard part is when you tell yourself you're down and have no chance of moving upwards.

 

My step cousin took APA classes and completed a ton of PSO classes by the time she graduated. She worked part time too and volunteered for causes in the community with her family. She wanted to go to law school and was indeed accepted to a great university. But, she's only human and and was an 18 year old kid and going to college turned her into the proverbial kid in the candy store. She flunked out her first year and that was 4 years ago and now she shuffles between loser boyfriends and fast food jobs. She has more potential than this, she just has unfortunately put a limit on what she can do because she flunked out, and she has to pay back several thousands in scholarship money she had earned.

 

I'm sure online you'll find several people with stories just like yours and I hope you'll be able to find some who have made a comeback and that it will inspire you. Things didn't turn out how you thought, but do they really for any of us? Even when we get what we thought we wanted? Don't let that limit you. Change the perspective.

[sarbunoemi]

All the so-called mistakes you have told us here, are to help you to be a better person. Mistakes aren't bad, they teach us how to know ourselves and about life. And there is always a reason why we have unfortunate moments.

Now, you look around and see no possibilities in changing your life but soon as you watch your whole life from a wider perspective, new possibilities come up.

Don't give up, you might feel sad now,find new ways in enhancing your life, your career, whatever makes you happy, don't be afraid of making mistakes, they exist to help you in your growth.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I wish you good luck!

[Leigh 87]

You need to travel...

 

.. I am 27 and have been to Russia, America, all over Asia, Europe...

 

I am due to go on an around world trip in Jan to Iceland, Chile, New York, London then through middle each and back to Sydney. All for a discounted student fare of 3200 !!! It is more like 5000 to get an around world trip as a non student...

 

I am on Aussie minimum wage working full time soon, and yet I will manage to save 10K by end of year as the lowest bracket, I will likely save a lot more....

 

I honestly would be such a different person had I not travelled overseas. It can be really awe inspiring being in a different part of the planet. It can bring about inspiration to live. It really can. During my worst moments I think about being in Norway, the green mystical, wet glacier laden country... It gets me through the worst moments in my life.

 

It doesn't cost much to travel if it is a once off thing and not something you do ALL the time.....

 

You can get a return ticket to Australia for about 2500 AUD, or as little as 1500 return from Sydney to Los Angeles.....You can save 1500 or 2000 in one year working full time? Plus another 1000 for budget hotels or hostels (many are clean and pleasant).

 

All up you can have a pretty nice trip for 5000 including return airfares.

 

You don't have kids or a mortgage yet, I urge you to get out there, see the world once and then gauge whether or not it has helped your predicament.....

[learning_slowly]

I am on Aussie minimum wage working full time soon, and yet I will manage to save 10K by end of year as the lowest bracket, I will likely save a lot more....

 

You don't have kids or a mortgage yet, I urge you to get out there, see the world once and then gauge whether or not it has helped your predicament.....

 

I was going to say you don't have a mortgage yet!

 

But its great you travel. Its easy to get to Europe here. And I have been to the us a few times.

 

I'm a bit lazy when it gets to trying to read asian script though, so I have kind of played it safe. Maybe that's for this year.

[jonsnuh]

Thank you for all your responses. If there was anything that reminded me that challenges will only make me a more refined version of myself, it was last night's reminder in Hannibal:

 

"God is in the rain"