No Foolin Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I've been lurking here for a few months and I just started posting. I have a question that I see a quite a few people pose....But don't come right out and say. How do you all seek closure when a relationship has ended????????? It be cool for as many people to answer as possible. All realtionships end, period. The better we become at accepting this the better and stronger cats we will be. Discuss... Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I think 'Moon' was excellent on this topic and she started a thread on this...dont know havent seen her for a while..might be she is off the forum for few days and would come back.... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I actually talked about this with my therapist last week - I have a restraining order against my ex and he cannot come with in 500 feet of me, so we can't really have a closure talk. My therapist said closure isn't about the other person. It's a process you go through internally that is similar to the grieving process. When you grieve over the loss of a loved one, obviously you can't have a chat with them about how you felt when they up and died on you. Eventually you come to accept the "death" of the relationship, and the fact that that person no longer is involved with you. You go through this and that's that, you don't need to have that "last talk". Link to post Share on other sites
Numb Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I sent a letter to my ex, seemed like good closure to me since I get everything of my chest and she can't reply. She can only read it and ponder. Works good for me and it really helps to get it all out. Now you don't have to send it, sometimes its ok just to write it all out and toss it in the garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I'm still trying to figure out how to get closure. My ex sent left me a letter when he moved out, but I have had some very nasty interactions with him since. I always wanted to write him a letter, but still, many months later, my mind is still not in a place where I feel I can really really understand that he is no longer in my life. Of my recent lover / mind-f*c* (yeah, I'm slightly bitter), I thought of burning everything that I have that reminds me of her. Recently, I put every object that I had from or about her in a bag and was going to have a letting go bonfire (remember the Six Feet Under episode?) But I don't think that will do any good. Plus, I think in a way I want the memories. In a few months I want to come back and look at all the photographs, the books, the letters - and hopefully my heart will ache a little less - and I will have somehow been able to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
NewMe Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I sent a short but loving letter in search of closure -- it was a little bit "I'm sorry," a little bit "Don't feel guilty, I'm okay, I think only good things about you," and then "I accept our breakup, I guess we shouldn't talk for awhile." I felt good about it for about a month, but recently, I decided that I preferred to NOT have sent it, and that I will never do anything like this with anyone ever again. First of all, it certainly didn't bring me closure. The letter was about 2 months ago, and I still obsess from time to time. Secondly, everyone always says the dumpee always feels like it's their fault, and is caught in thinking they could do things differently now -- and that's EXACTLY where my head was, only I wanted to think that my situation was different, my ex so wonderful. Now that I've finally been able to get in touch with my anger, and REALLY understand that both partners are responsible for a relationship's failure, I'm annoyed at myself for giving the impression that I thought I was to blame. And finally, I realize now that my self-esteem was at such a low point, that I was actually more concerned about how he was than I was! I was hurting so badly that I wanted to DIE, and I was worrying about his emotional wounds?? Not good for getting respect or self-respect. In the end, I have to agree with the otter that closure will be internal. One thing that's been very helpful for my journey to closure are relationship books. There's a lot of garbage out there, but also plenty of very good ones, that have helped me understand the "what happened" and "how could he" questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Numb Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 When you write a letter you have to be in the "angry" stage I think other wise you are saying your sorry for something the other did wrong. When I wrote my letter I was in that stage (angry) and there was some nice stuff but mostly stuff she did that hurt me, the real crappy stuff she did so she could read it and think about what she did. Made me feel better but everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 I've tried em'... but I'm now against em'... closure letters. Yes, it's a good way to get out your feelings... so it's effective... but delivering them, the result and how it effects the reader... is usually ineffective. Best medicine... turning your back. The recipient of the letter KNOWS what they did wrong deep down inside. I think closure letters are more of a last 'hope' for some kind of communication and/or reaction. Usually, closure letters means someone isn't listening, answering the phone, or responding to emails.... so the letter is a last 'angry' resort. Right or wrong... doesn't matter. Probably more effective if it's unsent. AND In my experiences... I have found that when a relationship ends WITHOUT closure or mutual agreement... then it's not really over. Usually the person who DID the breakin' up.... will come back around, days, weeks, sometimes months later... for a "talk".. if and only if they feel the other has moved on... Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ In my experiences... I have found that when a relationship ends WITHOUT closure or mutual agreement... then it's not really over. Usually the person who DID the breakin' up.... will come back around, days, weeks, sometimes months later... for a "talk".. if and only if they feel the other has moved on... Really? I'd like ot hear more on this, DinNJ - and of course anyone else who shares this viewpoint. In my cases then, neither of the above relationships are really really over. I did try to talk to my ex boyfriend, but it just made him antagonistic and want me more, I think - and made him act out in crazy ways. Link to post Share on other sites
NewMe Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ In my experiences... I have found that when a relationship ends WITHOUT closure or mutual agreement... then it's not really over. Usually the person who DID the breakin' up.... will come back around, days, weeks, sometimes months later... for a "talk".. if and only if they feel the other has moved on... Huh, interesting point, DinNJ. In retrospect, I DO think the ex would probably contact me sooner had I NOT sent the letter. I am quite ambivalent about wanting the ex to call, but it is very interesting because so much of what we do after breakups achieves exactly the opposite of the desired effect that we want. For instance, we hold on, thinking it will make them want to stay. We express anger/ devastation, not realizing it will repel by inflicting guilt. We call, hoping it'll inspire them to miss us, but they'd miss us more if we didn't... For the record, I really didn't expect an immediate response to my letter. (Though I kind of got one.) But I do think I was hoping that a few months down the line, it would encourage him to call sooner rather than later (by letting him know I was okay and not angry). And now, I believe, this goal would have been better achieved by sending nothing at all! Not that it should matter, and aside from the fact that the sanest thing would have been to refrain from trying to elicit any response at all -- but it is fairly remarkable how twisted our brains get when our hearts are broken. I really hope I never have to live through another horrible breakup. But should it ever happen, no closure move like this ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Well, that was based on my experiences as well as overlooking friends/family past and present relationships. It just seems when two people with significant time invested in a relationship decide to end things mutally...with mature verbal closure.... there is less pain and suffering... no questions. Of course, rarely does this ever happen... for the most part, bad relationships that end abruptly are usually one sided... when the 'dumpee' is blind sided, then left for dead with a million unanswered questions. Thus, some pathetic fool, such as ... ahem... myself, end up here on LS asking perfect strangers why my ex broke up with me... This is typically the case, where (as talked about before) the dumper may feel remorse, possibly regret later on. Guilt could also take part in this ... 'return with some closure' or reconciliation later on down the line when the dumpee falls happily in love with someone else and has moved on, now to be completey mind f@#$'d by his/her ex coming back into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabella82 Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 In my experiences... I have found that when a relationship ends WITHOUT closure or mutual agreement... then it's not really over. Usually the person who DID the breakin' up.... will come back around, days, weeks, sometimes months later... for a "talk".. if and only if they feel the other has moved on... This is an interesting way of looking at it. But my ex broke up with me about 9 months ago, and there still hasn't been a phone call to I guess 'get closure' In the past I would say that this is true, but my most recent ex I don't think I will ever get closure from him, I think I need to get it myself because he sure isn't calling me. I think he was way over me before he broke up with me, but never let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Yup, sorry to hear that... I've seen a few of those happen too. They're the worst.... not to mention cold hearted son'sa b#$@s!!! I'm experiencing one of those now.... I won't get closure... I can feel it. Other relationships that ended, I knew I'd get a call weeks after.... but can tell this time is different.. which is ok, cause she's a heartless monster AND I deserved better from her. Link to post Share on other sites
almathea Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 I also dumbly sent a letter.....just telling him if he could just answer a few questions for me then I could move on with my life......of course no reply was given.....this is only the second breakup that has ever happened to me that has totally devastated me like this....because the majority of the time it was me ending the relationship.....so what I have done before and this time...is just surrond myself with friends and family....and when I feel the urge to call him...I call one of my good friends.....i went over to thier houses and cried my eyes out and they helped me, held me, and told me that I would be okay.......and my mom has been invalubable.....and when I did dumbly break NC my friends were there to help me through that as well.....I am the type of person that needs a huge suport network...so thankfully they were there and helped me so much more then they will ever know...and I can feel myself coming around and starting to feel like I will make it....and i still miss him like crazy and I think I always will......but I am no longer staring at the phone waiting for his call....someone else suggested reading relationship books...i have a really good one..and it's a short read too...it's called "how to survive the loss of a loved one" it's by Melba Colgrove, Ph.d, Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., & Peter McWilliams...." it helped me greatly twice....i highly recommend it....it talks about all the stages you go through......like someone else said when a relationship ends its just like when someone dies too.....and you have to go through the grieving process.....well anyway hope that helps...... Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Almathea, DinNJ: Thanks for the perspectives. It really helps knowing that others are going through or have gone through similar things. I really hope my pain and obsession will end soon. UGH! I NEED closure!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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