I'm pathetic

[jangle04]

Well it's been almost 3 months since my wife left me for a guy she worked with. We were married 7 years and together nine and have two kids together. Needless to say as I have posted before she put me through hell. She has told me such things as when it first happened "Can I have you both? I'm not in love with you anymore, I love him! I couldn't quit thinking about him. I had to follow my heart" and so on and on. I caught her at a hotel with him and she said nothing was going on. She had me believing I was crazy for a long time.

 

I have did everything you are not suppose to do. I thought I was over it recently but it just snuck back up. We e-mail back and forth still and it turns into a big argument. I still try and tell her she hurt me very bad and he is just an escape. I tell her what we had was real. I really do believe that still. What is my friggin problem. I don't know why I do this. I know I can't ever be with her again after what she did nor do I want to but it's the thought of me not being good enough.

 

She'll call sometimes and say things like I messed up and I'm sorry. He gives me 25% of what you gave me. You were the only one who ever put me first and nobody will ever love me like you. She also says stuff like if she knew it could work again she'd give him up in a heartbeat. Other days she acts like she could care less and is very cold. She acts like he is the best thing ever on those days. I just don't get it. I have the kids and she walked out on me. She still keeps them a couple nights a week but is working two jobs and a lot of the responsibility is on me with the kids.

 

My point is I don't have the opportunity to meet any women and I can't get the vicious memories out of my head. I just still have trouble understanding how she could leave me when I was so good to her and treated her like gold. No amount of therapy will ever help me understand that. I still get crying spells and get very lonely. I have tried no contact but that's impossible with kids, I've tried being nice but can't for long. I don't know what to do. I don't understand how I can miss things so much after all she did to me and hurt me. I want to let it go but can't seem to. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like it's all a nightmare and I haven't yet awaken.

[tiki]

Lose her. She's like a disease.

[Ladyjane14]

Sounds like the "let's be friends" scenario.

 

Try limiting your conversations with her to the bare minimum. No contact unless it's business. It'll be really hard for awhile, but worth it in the long run.

 

Imagine for a moment what your life will be like 5 years from now. Are you still gonna want her interfering in it? If you allow her to enact "let's be friends" now, you'll be stuck with it later when you REALLY won't want it.

 

As far as getting out is concerned, make the most of the time when she has visitation, and don't feel bad about getting a sitter now and then.

 

You're going to feel so much better when you are out of her drama, and when you have your own life back. I said it earlier today, and I'll say it again: "Close your emotional door.

 

Hang in. You'll get there.

[FolderWife]

I just still have trouble understanding how she could leave me when I was so good to her and treated her like gold.

 

I'm getting a LOT of people who post just want to understand why something happened. My best answer is WHO CARES WHY IT HAPPENED. It happened, so there's nothing that you can do to go back and fix it and change the outcome.

 

My best guess as to why she left you for him was that she's an idiot.

 

There's obviously something wrong with someone who cheats on a perfectly good spouse. It may just be in her make up.

 

The guy she cheated with works with her? I get off work at 5:30. My husband has to go to bed at 8:30 to get enough sleep for work the next day. So I get home around six, it takes me an hour to get chores done, and wind down, and then we have an hour together before it's time to get ready for bed. So I see him 2 hours a night max. I see my co workers 9-10 hours a day. My husband is good to me, but it can get lonely.

 

I work with a guy who goes to school and works full time. He and his wife probably see each other three hours a week!

 

So sometimes it's too easy to have an affair with a co worker.

[jangle04]

Thanks! I will never understand. You're right! She said she had feelings ever since she first met him. What the f'k. Did she not ever feel anything for me. How can that be? That was three years ago. I feel like I have been deceived for that long and he was married then until a few months ago. That's when she said she told him how she felt. After his wife left. I don't know what to believe. I believe something was going on a while. I honestly believe she had to convince herself she loved him to justify a reason to get out. She still sees him. I believe she just doesn't want to be married. No matter what I say she defends him. I think deep down inside she knows the truth but has to believe what she did is right. She has to now because she can't believe she made the wrong decision. She says she's sorry. I just believe she's someone who needs constant change and needed excitement and the newness. I mentioned that to her but of course she doesn't agree. She has to believe things in her own mind. I know she did love me at one time. So what you get those new feelings for someone else and walk out on your vows. What kind of man would destroy someone's marriage anyway? Is that good character? Will he honestly be there in the long run and accept all that goes along with her besides the sex. I did but I don't think he will. I think it's best for me in the long run and she has to live and learn. I can't turn back the clock!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by jangle04

I just still have trouble understanding how she could leave me when I was so good to her and treated her like gold.

 

JANGLE04, i feel for your loss and know it must be quite hard for you. The above statement caught my eye.

 

When the next woman comes along try not to be treat them so "good" or treat them like "gold" all the time or even most of the time.

 

You need to sometimes treat 'em bad and sometime treat 'em good. Depending on how they are behaving.

 

Treating women too well is a big turn off for them although they will NEVER confess to it themselves.

 

I wish you the best sir.

[Yikes]

Sounds like another case of emotional disconnection.

 

Man, I felt like you. I have been angry trying to figure out how someone that used to love you can do something so hurtful. On my better days, I realize that maybe my ex made some bad choices, but she never set out to hurt me. Some people take the easy way by turning to someone else rather than mustering up the courage to just be honest. Unfortunately that is like rubbing salt in the wound, it's bad enough just being rejected without anything else to pile on.

 

It is too bad that by the time one party (usually the guy) realizes how bad things really are, it's too late... 'cause once the emotional connection is gone, you are pretty much dead in the water. Sadly part of the blame is simply the in the different ways that men and women are wired. For the most part women hint rather than come right out and say it, and guys are generally as dumb as a stump to hints. There are always exceptions, but when the connection is gone it's gone... sorry. Ask some of the ladies around these forums, the emotional connection is absolutely key.

 

Stay positive.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Yikes

Sounds like another case of emotional disconnection.

 

Ask some of the ladies around these forums, the emotional connection is absolutely key.

 

exact-a-mundo YIKES...and you keep the emotional connection by not being too nice or too boring and acting like a man as much as u can.

 

a woman NEEDS to see both a man's good side and his bad side.

[Yikes]

Alphamale,

 

Very true. Women do not want and they quickly get bored of wussies that continually kiss their butts and give them everything they want . They want a guy who is a bit of a challenge, who is unpredictable.

 

They do want someone who treats them with respect and listens. REALLY listens. I found out that the hard way. I WAS one of those guys, boring responsible, predictable and not challenging enough and I probably didn't listen as intently as I should have. After a while you get emotionally disconnected and walls go up. I didn't even see it happening

 

You still need to treat them special - just not all the time. If you always treated them like a princess what fun is that and what's more, they wouldn't appreciate it. I try to pay attention to things that she really likes, and then every now and again surprise her with a special night and do several of those things all in one night, with no hidden agendas, strings or expectations, do it just because you want to.

 

It is very difficult when you get pressures of work, bills and kids often the two of you as a couple suffer. I know I busted my butt trying to do the big responsible father and dad things often forgetting the husband things. Ater a while you become mom and dad, not Steve and Angie or whatever. Trying to keep a good emotional connection is hard work. I can't help but think that when they talk about "working at your marriage" that is a big part of it.

[jangle04]

Well trust me I wasn't a pushover guys. I was in the beginning but I began to grow tired of her crap and took it to a point but let her know when I'd had enough. I admit I was still nicer than what I should have been though.

 

I don't know she just confused the hell out of me. Nothing was ever good enough for her. If I was nice I was smothering her and if I was mean I was just an a-hole who didn't care about her. No good answer. She just wasn't happy with herself and I realize that now. She's looking for someone to do that and he's not the answer either. It's about herself I believe.

 

You're right though alpha. Since we've split up I've tried everything and it seems like when I'm being a jerk is when she calls me a hundred times or e-mails me constantly. I can't be nice to her anymore though. I have no reason to be. She did me wrong and I will never forget the deceit. Ten years and it seems that is the memory I have to leave from it with. She has no idea about the pain and visions that haunt me everyday.

 

I will never again give and give and not get that back in return. I felt the disconnection with her a long time ago as much as I hate to admit it. Her temper and lack of mutual respect pushed me away too. I guess I denied it and still stayed committed to her because I knew it is what it is. You don't always feel those butterflies everyday. Maybe she felt that and looked somewhere else. I don't know. I wanted counseling and everything else but it was too late. It was gone! I was just too scared to admit it.

 

People tell me they don't know how you put up with her as long as you did. I don't know either. She is a very very dominant female. It's her way or nothing. I stoppped putting up with some of that crap. Maybe he does I don't know and after you've been married so long there's nothing you don't know about one another. Then things become annoying to each other. It will happen with him too I believe and she'll become bored with that too. I believe once you make that commitment though you stick with it for better or worse til death do you part. It's no game. You work and work at it and talk. I know I gave all I could and tried my best but I still wonder what was so wrong with me for her to hurt me so bad sometimes.

[Yikes]

"Well trust me I wasn't a pushover guys. I was in the beginning but I began to grow tired of her crap and took it to a point but let her know when I'd had enough. I admit I was still nicer than what I should have been though."

 

Same here, but by the time I started standing my ground she didn't much care for it. I think I was just too late, I should have challenged her more early on. I think she mistook my non confrontational personality as a lack of backbone. Also I got tired of "trying to please her" and found it was less work to take the "whatever" position. (mistake on my part)

 

Ever had this happen? Your taking your wife out for dinner, and say honey where would you like to go? Is there some restaurant that you'd really like to try? No, you just pick something. Anyplace is okay. So you do. Then what happens? She complains about how long it took to get there. How long the wait was to get a table. We didn't get our drinks fast enough. The food wasn't hot enough. The drinks were too expensive. The food was too expensive. She didn't REALLY feel like steak or fish. Then why didn't you speak up when I asked your opinion! If you won't give it, then you forfeit your right to bitch about it later! I tell ya that makes the veins in my neck bulge.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Yikes

I tell ya that makes the veins in my neck bulge.

 

YIKES, I wish I could buy you a drink man.

[jangle04]

Yikes,

 

Yes I know exactly how you feel. Had the same thing happen to me many times. It seems to be a no win situation. Never happy. If she had picked the place and things went wrong then you would of been blamed because you let her choose. Some women are just like that.

 

The next relationship I have, which won't be for a while, I'll know not to be such a giver. If I don't get back even half of what I put into it then they can hit the road. Why give so much and not get anything in return. They hold that sexual power over you and you lose your mind. I know that's what happened to me. Now I look back and think why did I do that. Why didn't I just make a stand. I thought she was the only woman in the world at the time!

[Yikes]

Part of the problem is just our DNA. Men and women are just wired differently.

 

Guys might think the big stuff is important. Bringing home a good paycheck, taking advantage of overtime when it's available (because sometimes it's not). Being sure the $$$ are there to take the family on summer vacation, for Christmas, bikes, home renovations, whatever. Maybe Coaching the kid's hockey team or soccer team. Seeing that the car is properly maintained and clean. Seeing that the house is not falling down around you.

 

Guys have been like this for millions of years. We are supposed to be the protector and provider. Damn it, it's our real job. At least it always felt that way to me.

 

Sadly while those things are important, they are not necessarily the warm and fuzzy things that a women feels are MOST important. I know I didn't realize that the small stuff can be just as important as the big stuff. At least not until it was too late.

[Numb]

Jangle, man I feel for you. I'm going though the same stuff myself been together 3 years and she was cheating on me for 8 months, we broke up about 3 weeks ago. I have no idea why she did this, she was telling me she just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and needed some time for herself just to find out she had another guy.

 

Nothing hurts more than that NOTHING. I thought she was the love of my life and she "acted" the same way and all I see anymore when I close my eyes is those 2 together and the pain is hell, I still work with her everyday she sits right in front of me eye to eye and that makes me die alittle more inside every second, she is all happy with her new boyfreind and I'm still at home freaking out trying to figure out what I did wrong and why she doesn't love me anymore.

 

So I know how you feel bro, the pain is just sick and trying to find out what they are thinking is impossible. The only hope I have that keeps me going is that he **** cans her and she feels the pain I do but I get to watch and tease her about it. Pretty sad I know but thats all I have.

[Yikes]

Numb,

 

All I can say is OUCH!! You work with her to boot? That has to be about the worst thing going. You get high marks from me for being able to suck it up and go in to work.

 

Are you getting any counselling? You don't want this screwing up your job too.

 

Look after yourself.

[Numb]

Ya its the WORST thing I have ever had to deal with, I've had freinds die and it was easier. I still love her like crazy and going to work with her and hearing her talk to her new b/f is a killer, it takes everything I have all day to fake being happy by the time I get home I cry for a couple hours and push myself forward hopeing the next day will be better.

 

This girl is just Fuc*ing me up so bad but I have bills to pay and there's no other job out there right now that pays like this one does, since I have the house a brand new car and the rest of the bills to pay I have no choice right now but to suck it up and deal with it.

 

The worst part is we got this house and my car together when she was with the other guy and knowing she was not going to be with me....now think about that for awhile.

 

 

And no counseling at all, just family and freinds.

[jangle04]

Man that has to be tough working together. It would drive me bonkers. Seeing her five minutes a day drives me nuts enough. It's so funny how you can love someone for so long and think everything is fine and how one person in the relationship can turn you into bitter enemies after all you've shared. The betrayal scars you for life.

 

I guess there will never be an easy answer. The responsiblities at home tear people apart. You lose the intimacy. When they are with the other person they are in another world and can forget about all that. It's an escape. The emotional needs are being met. I have emotional needs to and they weren't being met, but I didn't look elsewhere for it. I tried to look to her. No doing though. She'd already shut me out.

 

Hey Numb! Try this one. We also bought a new car and house and she also wanted me to get a vasectomy this past summer. This was during the time she was seeing him. So glad I didn't do it.

 

Live and learn!

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Yikes

Sadly while those things are important, they are not necessarily the warm and fuzzy things that a women feels are MOST important. I know I didn't realize that the small stuff can be just as important as the big stuff.

 

This looks like this has turned into a "Men Only" thread, but I'll stick my neck out. Simply put, the above statement illustrates the lack of balance.

 

Nearly every regrettable breakup situation I have read, seen or experienced comes down to lack of communication - by both men AND women.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

 

Nearly every regrettable breakup situation I have read, seen or experienced comes down to lack of communication - by both men AND women.

 

Most certainly. Did you think I was implying that one sex wasn't communicating? Maybe I didn't explain myself as well as I could have. Some people (men and women) are just poor communicators. In most cases, men and women tend to communicate DIFFERENTLY. Women tend to hint, and most guys are dumb as a stump to hints, you need to hit us upside the head with the TV remote. (assuming you can pry it out of our hands.

 

By the way, I love to get the female perspective, so by all means jump in and let me have it if you think that I'm off base!

[Lil Honey]

Yikes,

 

Sorry, but I hafta chuckle. (No, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you. Your laugh is just delayed. You just don't know that you are going to laugh yet. )

 

I only mentioned "men AND women" because I learned (from a different board) that I shouldn't stereotype. Some guy didn't like it and took great offense. (I think he had issues. >insert shrugging smilie here< ) I learned to (at least) be very careful. If I "picked on" any gender, I had to pick on ALL of 'em.

 

I completely agree that men and women communicate differently. Good grief! Even the meaning of the same word can be gender-specific. We all know how many words have different nuances as well. I know when I say, "You know, one of those thingies," I generally get a funny, not-understanding-you look from a guy. It seems the word "thingy" means different things to different people.

 

Anyway, I don't think you are off-base. I just try to clarify, from a woman's POV.

[Yikes]

Cool. So we're good then?

[debilou]

I believe it has everything to do with the sex of the "quitter". My STBXH left me. I agree our marriage wasn't perfect.

 

Unfortunately for myself and our kids, my STBXH chose to have an affair with a co worker (of which he is in denial). He didn't tell me he had a list of issues regarding me and the kids, HIS kids, until August 04.

 

He moved out October 04, his 40th birthday. We all thought he was having a mid life crisis. Maybe he did. It's been the worst experience of my life.

 

I believe the list of problems was a smoke screen for the reason to leave. He needed to leave because he was involved with someone else. I am crushed. BTW, I positively reacted to the list of problems. He had valid reasons to be unhappy in our marriage. So did I. I chose to stay committed to the man I married, flaws and all. He didn't. He broke my heart!

 

I have been in MC and IC for about 5 months. I read self help books. I do volunteer work to fill "my empty heart and time". I got a new job with benefits! That was one on the list.

 

Regardless if I stay married to him I will be a better wife some day. It sounds so easy, but I still love the jerk. I guess I have the problem. I'm a door mat or in denial.

 

His mom tells me I need to get mad. I'm not mad. Just stunned silent. We're in the no contact phase. He treats me as though I've done something wrong. A complete head trip.

 

The bottom line, the person who was dumped is crushed. Never to look at life the same way again.

 

Every thought in my brain is about him or the situation. That can't be healthy. I'll recover.

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

I know when I say, "You know, one of those thingies," I generally get a funny, not-understanding-you look from a guy. It seems the word "thingy" means different things to different people.

 

Okay, I hate to be pickey "doo -am -ma-hickies" or possibly "thinga-ma-bobs" but NEVER EVER EVER "thingies". "Thingies are something different entirely!

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

The bottom line, the person who was dumped is crushed. Never to look at life the same way again.

 

You are SO right.

 

You'll do fine. Your grieving still, but I can tell that you'll do fine.