GorillaTheater Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 wow. OK. She is not asking for divorce this time but she will grant it. She is OK to stay together if I forgive her. I can do that. that's not a problem. I'm not too sure there's anything more futile than forgiving her without consequences and without a shred of remorse on her part. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Okay, let's take all of that at face value. You suck. Long term it's something you have to work through so that future relationships will be successful, and simply so you can be the man you want to be. Short term, it doesn't mean crap. It certainly doesn't justify infidelity. She had other, honorable ways of dealing with that, like going through with a divorce. The fact that by all appearances she chose to cheat on you demonstrates pretty adequately that she sucks, too. Besides, you're in a frame of mind that makes it easy to believe that you suck far more than you probably actually do. Step one is to change your frame of mind. Now it's down to business, and nobody is going to take care of your side of that business but you. 1) Don't move out until your attorney (who you'll hire within a week) tells you that it's okay to do so, and probably not until you have a separation agreement in place. You don't want to set any precedents regarding possession of the home and custody of the kids until you're fully protected from any consequences, because judges love precedents. Hell, if it was me, I wouldn't move out at all. F*ck her, she doesn't like it, then she can move. 2) Carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) with you at all times. Fifty bucks at Best Buy or Walmart. Use long-life batteries. What you want to prevent is a situation where your wife brings false charges to get you out of the house and gain a tactical advantage in the divorce proceedings. It's more common than you may think, and your wife IS capable of this. You've already demonstrated that you don't know her as well as you thought. 3) Pay off joint credit cards, cancel them, and then separate finances completely. I should have put this first, because it's an ASAP item. 4) Go for nothing less than 50-50 custody. My bet is that you're a much better dad, and her not quite as good of a mom, as what you believe at the moment. 5) Work out like crazy. Lift weights. Short term, you'll get some endorphins that you desperately need right now; long term you'll have an ass-kicking body and the confidence to go with it. 6) Stay cool, calm, and collected at all times. As far as she's concerned, emotionally you're a sub running in deep water. Wish her good luck with the new man with a smile. 7) Speaking of the POS, is he married? You don't have much to go on, but enough to have a chat with his wife. You shouldn't be the only one dealing with a sh*t storm, fair's fair. You can handle this. You can handle anything that comes your way. Only thing I would add (and a perfect opportunity was just blown off in latest report) is to have said VAR ready whenever you guys are talking about the guy, and lunches. It would have been great to get the "forgiveness" bit. Forgive what? That she doesn't love you anymore? Come on man. Wake up and smell the coffee. This buys her time to steal money to cushion the love nest. I'm sorry for you. This will hurt the divorce industry only a short time. The writing is on the wall, you will be there soon enough. Re-read your thread from an objective point of view. Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) I'm not too sure there's anything more futile than forgiving her without consequences and without a shred of remorse on her part. Yes, very true. She will develop more contempt for him, and hide her extra-curricula activities much better. He, will end up paranoid, clingy, ill with resentment. Sooner or later. He can rationalize till the cows come home to roost. The facts are the facts. Living a lie is very frustrating to the betrayed, especially when they have every red flag except DIRECT evidence - like a photo of couple having sex (which is near impossible to get - even for a PI, especially if couple know they are being watched closely [which makes it so much more fun]). Oh, dear. I recommend you some good medical insurance asap, and get aqainted with a excellent psychiatrist and MD. You can thank me later for this outstanding advice. Y PS. The type of forgiveness you are talking about is referred to as "cheap forgiveness" by author Janus Abrams. It is a temporary band-aid that solves nothing. You can read the full definition in the pinned thread in our forum, and linked below in my signature line. Edited May 16, 2014 by Yasuandio 2 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Your wife is innocent, calm down okay. Don't think with your head too much, it will only gives rise to suspicions and rational-biased perspectives. She has actually done a lot to keep this committed relationship, so be a bit appreciative. She cares about you (some wives rarely said that), she tolerates your "demanding, and judging, and others you name it". Oh how she wish she could help you... and she really did it by considerately and appropriately stop meeting the guy. I really believe they have not met, after the last time they met. Again, please don't question your wife commitment, that's unfair. She is willing to stay, she is willing for you to forgive her, she's bracing through this with calmness and poker face. Still you dare to talk about being better for another woman?! Wake up! Please cherish and live the past, and evade supporting the divorce industry. Take care, good luck. (((jjsk))) Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 I believe the above comment has sarcasm through throughout...so don't take it word for word, like I'm sure you're wanting to do. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Your wife is innocent, calm down okay. Don't think with your head too much, it will only gives rise to suspicions and rational-biased perspectives. She has actually done a lot to keep this committed relationship, so be a bit appreciative. She cares about you (some wives rarely said that), she tolerates your "demanding, and judging, and others you name it". Oh how she wish she could help you... and she really did it by considerately and appropriately stop meeting the guy. I really believe they have not met, after the last time they met. Again, please don't question your wife commitment, that's unfair. She is willing to stay, she is willing for you to forgive her, she's bracing through this with calmness and poker face. Still you dare to talk about being better for another woman?! Wake up! Please cherish and live the past, and evade supporting the divorce industry. Take care, good luck. (((jjsk))) That's all well and good. As long as he doesn't mind a secretive wife, who is engaging in a little emotional infidelity at an absolute minimum, and who hasn't ever loved him. Hell, I'd jump at a deal like that. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 wow. OK. She is not asking for divorce this time but she will grant it. She is OK to stay together if I forgive her. I can do that. that's not a problem. If I meet another woman I could try to be better with her, learning from this marriage. Or I try to be better with my wife who I love. Her 'cheating' was a payback for the way I treated her I guess. You seem to have misplaced your balls... Here, I have a pair I'll let you borrow - you're going to need them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjsk Posted May 17, 2014 Author Share Posted May 17, 2014 I told her I would walk away and leave home to her and kids as she asked years ago (but it seems she no longer wants that). I'm meeting with a friend who is an attorney tomorrow. I think my wife is genuinely sorry. She is not eating, and crying all the time. She made an appointment at the counseling . She offered to write a letter to POS about her ruined marriage and ask to stop communication by all means emails, texts, through friends etc. We won't go to any events where she may bump into him, and she won't ever work at the same company. She said we will write and send that email together. Should she also CC his wife? I said that I love her and she texted back that she loves me too. My daughter had the happiest smile when I showed her the texts. my wife is terrified that I will tell kids and everybody else how she betrayed me. a scar she will live with for the rest of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 I'm sure you do love her and have the highest expectations that things will work out. Let us know when you come back to earth, thinking clearly and understanding the genuine implications. You both are in shock. And shock ultimately brings jolting revelations. Be prepared. I personally think you are nieve to hand over your home & family to the offender. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 I told her I would walk away and leave home to her and kids as she asked years ago (but it seems she no longer wants that). I'm meeting with a friend who is an attorney tomorrow. I think my wife is genuinely sorry. She is not eating, and crying all the time. She made an appointment at the counseling . She offered to write a letter to POS about her ruined marriage and ask to stop communication by all means emails, texts, through friends etc. We won't go to any events where she may bump into him, and she won't ever work at the same company. She said we will write and send that email together. Should she also CC his wife? I said that I love her and she texted back that she loves me too. My daughter had the happiest smile when I showed her the texts. my wife is terrified that I will tell kids and everybody else how she betrayed me. a scar she will live with for the rest of her life. That seems like she's guilty of wrongdoing. Yes, tell his wife. Don't be so quick to forgive when she hasn't proven with time and changed behavior that she's changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjsk Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) just a short update: it took a whole month but my wife apologized. one of the calm days she suddenly mentioned something about our future together. Like what we will do when kids grow up... I joked about it. "thought you've never loved me". She thinks everything is getting back to normal and we will work out things. I made an album for her, with pictures of us doing things together and having a good times in the last several years. Vacations, days off, kids. (is 180 the ONLY right way to do things?) This was in response to "i was neglected and miserable and mentally tortured". I'm mad about that wannabe womanizer coworker who got into her bubble and that she let that go on. I still feel betrayed . I talked to lawyers but kind of put things on hold for now. Since kids are involved I don't want to make decisions on top of emotions. Kids made cards for us 'mom loves dad', ask to work things out. They have a bunch of friends with divorced parents and they don't envy them. This really motivates to put extra effort into fixing this situation. I told her I will not put up with half truths and she will have to do something about it... PS. Is there anyone here who successfully repaired their relationships and continued on? Edited May 26, 2014 by jjsk Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Trust but verify and be ready jjsk. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 This really motivates to put extra effort into fixing this situation. I told her I will not put up with half truths and she will have to do something about it... PS. Is there anyone here who successfully repaired their relationships and continued on? No one has been successful when there are half truths and lies. I speak from experience. It is possible to repair and continue on. But it requires a lot of work from both of you. One cannot put in the effort for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 it took a whole month but my wife apologized. Apologized for her conduct or your pain? Big difference between the two. I told her I will not put up with half truths and she will have to do something about it... People lie to protect things that are important to them. 6 weeks after your first post, you're not any closer to understanding why she deceived you about her relationship with him ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 I told her I would walk away and leave home to her and kids as she asked years ago (but it seems she no longer wants that). I'm meeting with a friend who is an attorney tomorrow. I think my wife is genuinely sorry. She is not eating, and crying all the time. She made an appointment at the counseling . She offered to write a letter to POS about her ruined marriage and ask to stop communication by all means emails, texts, through friends etc. We won't go to any events where she may bump into him, and she won't ever work at the same company. She said we will write and send that email together. Should she also CC his wife? I said that I love her and she texted back that she loves me too. My daughter had the happiest smile when I showed her the texts. my wife is terrified that I will tell kids and everybody else how she betrayed me. a scar she will live with for the rest of her life. So, I'm guessing there was more to this than having luncheon's with this guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
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