I wasn't happy with myself when we started, and, having now changed, I want her back

[TestaTesta]

To cut a long story short, 2013 and early 2014 were the lowest points in my life. One immensely happy thing happened to me though - I got my first girlfriend (term used loosely because we didn't go very far), and the relationship lasted for a couple of months - but other than that I really wasn't on the ball. I made excuses to avoid things that I wasn't comfortable with, I didn't make myself known when it would have been nice to, I wasn't confident, I wasn't turning up for college, I was very pessimistic, I had dreams but never did anything to achieve them... And then she tells me she doesn't have enough time for a relationship.

 

Now, this response from her is one that I'm very conflicted about, even to this day: I can see why it could be an easy way of telling me that things are over, but, because of her extremely hectic lifestyle, it also seemed believable to me (I won't tell you her story for privacy's sake, but please trust me when I say I'm astounded somebody could manage the amount of things that she does on a regular basis). I took that at a cue to look at my own flaws, and realised that I was riddled with them (see before). I really care for this girl, and I realised that I wasn't happy with myself in my old lifestyle, so I put my foot down and changed over the course of the next three months. I start treating myself to clothes that I'd always had my eye on, I start seeing friends outside of college again, I start being in photos for once, I went into class in ridiculous outfits a couple of times to have a laugh, I go to every class now, I get the correct amount of sleep and therapy, I start thinking opportunistically... And now I really want to start again with her.

 

On her birthday a few weeks ago, whilst she was home alone, I surprised her with a gift that I'd put a lot of thought and heart into. She told me she really liked the things that I got her, and started having conversations with me again for a few days. One day she doesn't reply; odd. Next day she doesn't reply to my other message; odd again, especially since I know that she's seen both of my messages. I message her again the next day, and she jumps to asking for some space whilst her art exams are going on (this time period ends tomorrow, for the record). She asked very kindly - making sure to check that I wasn't upset to hear it, and telling me that I have been (to quote) "wonderful" - so I've avoided talking to her for the two weeks that she asked me to. I'm not going to immediately swarm her with catch-up questions, nor do I expect her to start talking to me immediately, but I really want another chance with this girl, and don't know how to go about asking without infringing on her space.

 

Am I doing the right thing by letting her be the one to start the next conversation? Should I set a personal deadline of when I should talk to her if she doesn't speak soon? Are there any other things I could try to change her impression of me to a positive one?

 

Even if this spells the end in your view, I personally need to hear it from her directly in order to be a reality. I've asked if I can have a private word with her in the near future where I hope to apologise for where I went wrong, and present tickets to go see some bands that we both like, but I'm not sure if this would lend itself at all. She can be quite shy at times, as can I, so our time spent together (which didn't exceed hand holding and cuddling) was very awkward and there was a notable lack of communication. I'm confident that this wouldn't be the case anymore, and I want to prove to her that I have improved. I'm not perfect, and still have changes to be making, but the amount of things that have improved over the past little while have been huge for me.

[ayala]

Give her time. Let her come to you.

 

If she wants to be with you, she will be.

 

With shy people and those who enjoy their solitude, they like having the choice about when to contact someone. Only they will know when they're ready.

[xUnknown]

Give her time. Let her come to you.

 

If she wants to be with you, she will be.

 

With shy people and those who enjoy their solitude, they like having the choice about when to contact someone. Only they will know when they're ready.

 

I agree 100% with this. Do this.

[luvshaq]

It's best to move on. She already told you she doesn't want a relationship. You gotta stop thinking that every time you two talk, you're gonna get back together. If you can't be just friends, you should stop talking to her. This was your first relationship and it only lasted 2 months? You'll be alright. Few people go on to marry their first love, you know?

[TestaTesta]

I don't know if she has told me "no" though - all I'm hearing is "I can't now" not "I won't ever". I'm determined and I care for this person, so of course this would be my way of thinking, but I don't feel like I've been given a fair chance (not that one is ever guaranteed, I understand). Not only do I feel like a new person - ergo I don't think history would repeat itself - but, even whilst we were seeing each other, it never felt like we made enough compromises. She liked dancing, singing, and musicals (I've never really given them a fair shot, yet I've always had a curiosity), but I never experimented with any of them. I liked gaming, and had always wanted to do something together outside (ie. date material, like eating out, seeing a movie, picnic...), but she always shied away from doing any of these things (gaming I kind of understand, but, again, we could compromise our tastes for a dancing/singing game, y'know?). Our relationship was always very slow and awkward from the get-go, as I've heard is the norm for a lot of first-timers. There was a lot of pressure from our respective families, we barely had the time for each other, and we almost always just watched films together. What we had was barely a relationship, and not much of a friendship either, but I enjoyed spending time with her, and that's what I'd want a second try for - to actually get around to showing her who I am, not just the films I like.

 

I'm willing to give her time to approach me if she wants to, as the others suggested, but I also want to emphasise a reason for her to do so. I personally feel like I've made leaps and bounds towards fixing anything that made it tough to be around me, and I already feel like a lot of these things are obvious, so I don't know what more I could do to show that I've changed.