Can't have my own engagement ring

[CarrieT]

So you haven't even known this guy a full year and you are having these problems AND buying a house together?

 

This is why we suggest knowing someone through all four seasons BEFORE moving in together or getting engaged. The red flags are there and it seems you are more willing to placate to his demands than compromise.

[Jabguze]

I get stuff like "it's so pretty" or "it's so sparkly.

[clia]

Your boyfriend is being totally unreasonable.

 

You are the one who has to wear this ring for (presumably) the rest of your life, yet he wants you to have no say in what it looks like? He wants you to wear a ring that isn't even your style. He cannot be serious. And you aren't expecting him to spend a fortune on a ring, so that can't even be his argument. Why is he being so unreasonable about this? Most men want their fiance to be thrilled with her ring -- why doesn't he? Honestly, this combined with your other thread about the wedding makes him it seem like he wants you to not want to marry him.

 

Do not compromise on this -- you will be miserable. When you get engaged, everyone wants to see the ring. If you are wearing something you hate, it is not going to be the happy occasion it should be to show off your ring. You will get angry every time you look down at your hand.

 

I think you should simply tell him flat out that you want a ring that is your style and that is meaningful to you. Tell him you have shown him what you like. Period. If he gives you one of the other rings when he proposes, wear it that evening, but then the next day go to the jewelry store and buy the ring you want yourself. Then wear that. If he pitches a fit, wear the ring he gave you around his friends and family only. Wear your ring at all other times.

[EverLastluv]

My boyfriend and I have discussed getting engaged soon.

 

We want to be married, but cannot even remotely agree on the engagement ring or the wedding itself.

 

 

 

 

We went and looked at some rings at a few jewelers a couple times, found a gorgeous one at a reasonable price, and I assumed my ring would be that one, or one that's very similar.

 

 

Well, yesterday it became clear he has no intentions of buying that ring. He says he wants to save instead.

 

 

He came to me with 2 rings yesterday. One was a family heirloom, Very gaudy, massive setting, clearly a bit of costume jewelry, tarnished yellow gold.

 

 

The other one was clearly from a 25 cent machine. It was a "pearl" that was just a plastic bead held in a plastic setting, with an adjustable band that you just pinch closed.

 

 

I said no to them.

 

 

He then said that I should wear his mother's engagement ring. He told me it would be a bit big for me but that it's a yellow gold band.

 

 

He knows I don't like yellow gold. Heck, HE doesn't like yellow gold either. I told him I wasn't very fond of the idea but that I'd have to see the ring before I decided. Well, he said "no way" that I don't get to see the ring beforehand, that I should just accept it based on the symbolism.

 

 

I get how it's symbolic for him. It's symbolic of his parents love. For me though? There's nothing symbolic. I don't know his parents. All it's symbolic of for me is that he's not willing to spend the money or time to get a ring that is meant for ME. One that suits my personality and style, and was selected for me, and me only.

 

 

I don't even need an expensive one. While we were looking around the first time, I saw plenty of rings between $100-$200 that were pretty and that I would be happy with. Hell, I WILL PAY FOR IT MYSELF, but he doesn't like that, because he doesn't want me picking it out.

 

 

I just don't understand why spending just a little money for something that will be with me for the rest of my life is so big for him. He makes $25 an hour working 60 hours a week. He has no shortage of cash. Meanwhile I only make $10/hr working 40 hours a week, but I'm the one more than willing to shell out the cash so I can have a ring I'm happy about?

 

 

I don't want to wear a ring that may be unattractive, won't even fit, that wasn't even meant for me.

 

 

I told him if I can't have a ring that was specifically meant for me and he'd rather save, that I'd honestly prefer not to have an engagement ring then. He says we can't be engaged without an engagement ring.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

looks like your bf just playing around with your with the family ring. He knows you dont like yellow gold. so i am thinking he already buying the ring that you like, dont streess it just wait and see what happens.

[Radu]

The issues revolving around our wedding are literally the only problem we've ever had. We see eye to eye on most other things and happily agree on other aspects of our relationship.

For now.

You will face bigger hurdles in your relationship.

 

I just want my husband.

 

 

It's clearly a big deal for him, so I will fall back on this one and accept what he gives me.

You want the position filled or you want someone to share your life with ?

[Radu]

???

 

 

You know absolutely nothing about my relationship.

 

 

My ex was not a good boyfriend. Our relationship was lousy. I had enough, and ended it.

 

 

My boyfriend now is absolutely incredible. We get along like two peas in a pod, we are soulmates, we were made for each other. He treats me like I am the only woman on this earth.

 

 

I find it insulting that you would insinuate there is even the remotest similarity between this relationship and my past one. You could not be farther from the truth.

 

Similarity, maybe not ... causality, maybe.

 

PS: The bolded, plus knowing each other for a full yr and getting married, buying house ... have the rose-colored glasses come off yet ?

[pteromom]

I would wait and see what happens.

 

If he proposes to you with the heirloom ring, say YES. Be excited. Jump up and down and cry and all the stuff you would normally do when accepting a proposal.

 

Then later, preferably after sex , tell him that you love him and are so looking forward to marrying him, but that you aren't a fan of this yellow old heirloom ring. It's just not "you". You want to be able to look down at your finger for the rest of your life and be reminded of how much you love each other. You want a ring that is uniquely yours and represents you.

 

See what he says.

 

If he still argues about it, you do have to consider that your feelings aren't being heard or cared about. But hopefully he will listen and try to understand.

[devilish innocent]

I just wanted to point out that a jeweler will re-size a ring for less than $50. So at least the size won't be issue. You wouldn't want to wear a ring that's too big for you. There'd be a big risk of it falling off and getting lost. Hopefully, he's chosen something else and is just trying to throw you off the trail though.

[soccerrprp]

What?!?!?!!? Your bf is a cheap-arse! $200 for an engagement ring is CHEAP!!!!!!!!! I don't necessarily suggest as in quality, but it certainly would be provided everything on that ring is real gold, or diamond, or some other gemstone. Guys who argue the whole symbolism thing to avoid having to buy a nice ring are doing it b/c they don't want to spend more than they want to spend....symbolism my toosh.

 

My late wife wore her engagement ring for years along with her wedding ring. Many women actually do. Couples sometimes buy an engagement/wedding set so that the wedding ring "fits" with the engagement ring. Not as common, but it does happen. I am no rich man, but I have saved and budgeted to get my gf a very nice ring and IT'S GOING TO COST A LOT MORE THAN $200! But I want my gf to be happy with the ring and know what she wants in terms of style, color, stone, etc. She's already told me that "anything" I get her would be nice, so this anxiety of looking for the perfect ring is really my doing (or un-doing ).

 

Oh, heck, let him save some more money and get you a proper ring. It seems to me that he is able to do that. Otherwise, it sounds like he's just cheap.

[Tayla]

Ever so thankful that a marriage isnt based on the size of the ring but rather the commitment. Sorry but I find this materialistic gesture a bit pompous and not worth it in the grand scheme of things. Doubt I would accept an heirloom gift but graciously re-iterate that I am content being someones betrothed. No ring necessary

 

Yet this poster comes from a different mindset and needs encouragement to find a suitable alternative. Nothing and I mean nothing is written in stone that you will be forever tied to the token ring til something more accomodating comes along.

 

Saying that you are not engaged til a ring is produced is like saying I'm not pregant til the baby shower occurs. Pretty sure reality trumps any ill conceived notion on this gents part.

[MidwestUSA]

Breaking up is not an option, so I will compromise and wear whatever it is he wants me to wear.

 

 

This isn't compromising, it's you completely giving in.

 

OP, your entire attitude reeks of defeat and settlement. This, from the post about your last boyfriend (just under a year ago) is really sad. Do you feel some sort of pressure to be married by a certain age? What's the rush?

 

"I don't know whether I should leave or work on this. I'm not exactly the most desirable girl, he's only the 3rd guy to ever ask me out, and I'm 27. I can't afford to toss away someone who's willing to be with me if there's something I can do to make the situation better."

 

 

[todreaminblue]

I dont feel its settling for you to compromise..... when you really love someone .....i think settling is for when you dont really love someone and wont compromise and be happy with that compromise if you do....i think whatever happens if you truyl love each other you will work it out.......as far as engagement rings go i am not one to care .......never been married ......been engaged twice.......the ring doesnt really concern me...mayeb because i just see it as an empty promise not followed through with what means more than the ring.....the marriage............i sold my engagement rings when i broke up with the guys...the rings meant nothing to me once they were gone it was sadness looking at them so i didnt keep them.......like i didnt marry the guys who gave them.....

 

 

i think the follow through.....the love given and received...... the meaning of the ring...the promise is symbolic...even if it were plaited leather....i knwo ths story ....ok wont bore you...........its not the metal itself, he shape th diamond the color, the promise is most important, is way more important to em anyway...considering i have broken engagements.....broken rings.....sold rings actually........so as i said i you truly love him and he truly loves you then the ring.......is a symbol of that love.............you wont be settling.........you will both be happy whatever ring is chosen......something has to give though......you guys will work it out i have faith in that fact............congratulations and best wishes for a happy life together.......deb

[soccerrprp]

I'm a guy and even I understand the significance of the engagement ring. Symbolic ONLY- no. If we use that argument then we should all be satisfied with no wedding ring and no certificate/paper that shows that we are married. All symbolic. Even the legal designation of a wedding certificate is "symbolic."

 

Frankly, I would be happy to be with a woman who does not require an engagement ring. But I also understand the significance. It represents a promise to wed, it represents, or should, to other men that she is betrothed, off limits. It represents visible "proof" that they are taken, loved by another man and that means much to many women. To be able to show off the fact that they have been proposed to.

 

I get it. We (women) should not need to place so much emphasis on the engagement ring whether after marriage if it will not be worn again. But some women do wear it, combine it with their wedding rings, so this lends, more to how important the engagement ring must look.

 

I must say, that I am a proponent of both sides of the argument for or against the importance of the engagement ring, but in this case, it seems to me that the bf is revealing a little more something else....

 

1. He's cheap and will spend if it's in accordance with his desires, wishes, agenda

2. He's not absolutely certain she's the one and does not want to invest in an expensive ring with that doubt in mind [i shudder to think this, but it has happened does happen]

 

He has offered her rings that would cost $0 to him. No investment. He has offered rings that he and the OP have already agreed are not the most attractive (yellow gold). Right now, I see little emotional or figurative investment on his part. It doesn't sound like the lack of money is an issue either.

 

The OP will compromise. That is, take anything that her wonderfully thoughtful throws at her! That is not a compromise. That is capitulation. Will this be the trend through out their relationship. She gives in when he doesn't want to budge??? Perhaps I'm taking this too far.

[soccerrprp]

I dont feel its settling for you to compromise..... when you really love someone .....i think settling is for when you dont really love someone and wont compromise and be happy with that compromise if you do....i think whatever happens if you truyl love each other you will work it out.......as far as engagement rings go i am not one to care .......never been married ......been engaged twice.......the ring doesnt really concern me...mayeb because i just see it as an empty promise not followed through with what means more than the ring.....the marriage............i sold my engagement rings when i broke up with the guys...the rings meant nothing to me once they were gone it was sadness looking at them so i didnt keep them.......like i didnt marry the guys who gave them.....

 

 

i think the follow through.....the love given and received...... the meaning of the ring...the promise is symbolic...even if it were plaited leather....i knwo ths story ....ok wont bore you...........its not the metal itself, he shape th diamond the color, the promise is most important, is way more important to em anyway...considering i have broken engagements.....broken rings.....sold rings actually........so as i said i you truly love him and he truly loves you then the ring.......is a symbol of that love.............you wont be settling.........you will both be happy whatever ring is chosen......something has to give though......you guys will work it out i have faith in that fact............congratulations and best wishes for a happy life together.......deb

 

Sorry to hear this blue. My current gf was proposed to 2x and, well, no wedding from either. I hear you and completely understand your perspective. But, in this case, I wonder if the bf's insistence on a "cheaper" ring is not about symbolism or love, rather, some level of disdain for the idea of having to spend his money for something that HE doesn't fully value. He is offering her rings that even he would not agree are of preference to him (yellow gold dislike). He is offering her FREE rings. He is offering rings knowing full well what the OP likes and has shown. He isn't taking her desires into account at all it seems.

 

Is this only about the ring and what it represents? I'm starting think not.

 

Believe me, if my gf told me that any ring would do, I'd jump on that. But I also recognize that it is important to her. Despite two disappointments for her, the engagement ring is still important to her.

Edited May 23, 2014 by soccerrprp

[ja123]

The OP will compromise. That is, take anything that her wonderfully thoughtful throws at her! That is not a compromise. That is capitulation. Will this be the trend through out their relationship. She gives in when he doesn't want to budge??? Perhaps I'm taking this too far.

 

 

 

No, I don't think you are taking it too far, soccer.

 

 

This is a major red flag, OP, that has implications for other areas of your relationship/married life.

 

 

Don't capitulate.

[tbf]

I remember a long time ago, he showed me a ring online that was "the perfect ring" in his eyes. It was about $3600. He said how he had almost bought it once, for an ex, and how lucky he was that she showed her true colors before he'd purchased it.

 

The ring we looked at at the jeweler was about $1000, and he qualified for financing, so he would've been making low payments on it anyway.(

Not sure he'll ever buy you the ring you want but I'd say he's testing you, waiting for your "true colors" to come through. This is his baggage. Better decide if you're willing to help drag his baggage too. Your choice.

[MissBee]

It's not about the ring but the actions surrounding it obviously (as well as other aspects of this wedding)....his unwillingness to do anything the OP wants and she is clearly dissatisfied but has to be the one to , as others pointed out, capitulate (NOT compromise) is troubling.

 

It's not about ring size, color, shape or what have you but this man's stubbornness and refusal to even listen to or take his fiance's feelings into consideration but rather plowing along doing what HE wants...I mean who really does that?

 

I cannot imagine if my bf for example proposed and attempted to force me to wear a ring I've expressed that I don't like or where we're discussing it and he is insistent on doing what HE wants. He wants me to be happy and the whole point would be for him to give me the GIFT of a ring that I want as I'm the one wearing it, not him. I cannot imagine any man I'm marrying making a big to-do about this, the common sense thing is it's MY ring, something I'm gonna wear and it only makes sense that my feelings are paramount about it, not his...but the fact that this man is and is just so unwilling to do anything to make the OP happy and seems so controlling: she can't have her own ring, he doesn't want her friends at her own wedding, etc...I mean WTF?! What part of this spells normal and promising for the future? THAT's the concern...not just some little quarrel over rings.