ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 My boyfriend and I are looking to be engaged soon. We cannot agree on an engagement ring (different thread) and we cannot agree on a single detail of the wedding. It started with him wanting a backyard wedding. We'd get married in his backyard and his uncle would barbecue. I did not like this. His backyard is junky. My backyard is junky. It's just dirt and weeds and a busted up fence. That is an awful backdrop for a wedding. He said he would weed the yard and we could put up decorations -____- Once he realized I would never get married in his backyard, he decided we could get a wedding package somewhere. He created a strict limit of 50 guests. I have about 21 family members and my best friend. He has about the same amount of family members. I figured I wouldn't bother with trying to pick and choose from my remaining friends who would or wouldn't get an invite with the few remaining spots I had left. Didn't seem fair. Well then he changes his mind a bit and decides he wants to add more of his friends and coworkers. I say "Ok, but in that case I would like to add friends as well". He said no, that it wouldn't be OK because the majority of my friends are men. I have about 3 female friends and the rest are male. He doesn't want my male friends at our wedding. But alternately when he realizes that my wedding guests would consist only of my family, he says "wow babe, that's pretty gay" - SORRY can't help it that you won't let me bring my friends. Then there's the wedding party. He wants like 7 groomsmen. I only wanted one bridesmaid, my best friend. I told him I could compromise with him and add in 2 more of my girlfriends (I'm not that close with them, that's why I didn't want to originally) and have a party of 3, if he could cut his side down a bit to 3 as well, but he doesn't want to budge at all. Then we can't agree on the time of year. I always liked the idea of a december or october wedding, but I also am fond of the idea of an outdoor wedding. So if it was winter, it would need to be indoor. If it was outdoor, I'd want late spring. HE wants an outdoor wedding in December. He's bonkers. It will be so cold. He's like "No it won't, the weather will be fine" - sure. He'll be toasty in his tux and I'll freeze in my dress and the guests will be miserable in their seats. He would like a wedding in Vegas. That is 6 hours away. He also said he wants guests to pay for their own food and drinks, which would dramatically cut down our costs. I said NO WAY, that it is very classless. He got defensive, said "Well I know my whole family would gladly pay, so if you think your family won't, well that's on you." - Ok. So in the case of my cousin, she's got a husband and 2 kids. That's 4 people, if the dinner is about $30 or $40 a person, that adds up quick for them. Then there's the 6 hour drive there, the 6 hour drive back, PROBABLY would have to get a vegas hotel for the night, on a weekend - under those circumstances, why would she bother coming? That's way too much. I can kiss the idea of my family coming goodbye There are wedding packages at locations maybe an hour away, for a small amount of guests (50 max) that are all inclusive and cost maybe $2000 or $3000. It is not my ideal, but I can settle on that. But he doesn't want to pay for all that. I don't get it. Together, we make about $6000 a month. If we both put a small chunk every month away in savings, we'd surely have enough by December 2015 (he won't budge on the date). Even my DREAM wedding would only be about $7000 max, which is still doable. My dream wedding would be outdoors, a small quaint ceremony by a lake, then a small reception at a nearby hall. Simple. But I know I won't get my dream wedding. I don't need fancy. I can do my own hair and makeup, the dress would be under $200, I don't need tons of flowers, I can create a bouquet from my own garden, get flower girl petals from my own garden. I can make centerpieces and such. My dream wedding isn't an unreasonable one. When I tell him I am not okay with the above ideas he's presented me he says "But this is my day too babe. This is my wedding too. This is not just your day." - Which I get. I'm not trying to make this only about me. But I'm not getting any compromise from him. We cannot agree on a single thing. I suggested, since we can't agree in the slightest, that we don't have a wedding. I don't want us to pay a single cent for me to settle on a wedding that I am not happy with. I suggested we just get legally married at the courthouse and call it done. He said if we do that, that I will hate him for the rest of our lives. So he's not okay with that. He wants a wedding. I am stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 This is about your compatibility and ability to compromise. You aren't compatible and you can't compromise. You are correct, no wedding because you can't have a marriage if you cannot even agree and be kind about a wedding. He sounds immature and selfish and honestly,that isn't the type of person you will want to share your life with. If there is only push and pull a relationship will implode. Don't waste your time or your life with someone who is selfish, immature and inconsiderate. You are being given a gift, red flags that are warning you of what life is going to be like with this guy. Be thankful they came now instead of down the line when you can't compromise over the everyday details of life or your children, finances, boundaries or sex. You know I always hear people say, I wish I had known how hard marriage was going to be, well, it is a million times harder than planning a wedding for one day in your life so take this as your sign. Move on, he isn't right for you, Grumps 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 But alternately when he realizes that my wedding guests would consist only of my family, he says "wow babe, that's pretty gay" I'm not into gender roles, but I'm kind of surprised that this guy is so extremely fussy about his wedding - most guys have some general suggestions and desires, but for the most part leave it to their women to plan - and then un-ironically calling something "gay" on top of it. He's actually being a bit of a drama queen himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 This is about your compatibility and ability to compromise. You aren't compatible and you can't compromise. You are correct, no wedding because you can't have a marriage if you cannot even agree and be kind about a wedding. He sounds immature and selfish and honestly,that isn't the type of person you will want to share your life with. If there is only push and pull a relationship will implode. Don't waste your time or your life with someone who is selfish, immature and inconsiderate. You are being given a gift, red flags that are warning you of what life is going to be like with this guy. Be thankful they came now instead of down the line when you can't compromise over the everyday details of life or your children, finances, boundaries or sex. You know I always hear people say, I wish I had known how hard marriage was going to be, well, it is a million times harder than planning a wedding for one day in your life so take this as your sign. Move on, he isn't right for you, Grumps I understand your viewpoint, but it is surely more than "We can't agree on wedding details so let's not get married at all, goodbye!" He is my soulmate, my heart, my better half, my sun, moon, and stars. Sex and boundaries have been fine for us. All other communications have been fine for us. We've already agreed on details for future children. If he would just budge on a few things, I can MORE than budge on everything else. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Why do you want to marry this man? Wedding budget is usually the big stressor. My take has always been the Golden Rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. If you are the one ponying up the $7,000 do what you want. You are correct that making guests pay for anything is classless. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I understand your viewpoint, but it is surely more than "We can't agree on wedding details so let's not get married at all, goodbye!" He is my soulmate, my heart, my better half, my sun, moon, and stars. Sex and boundaries have been fine for us. All other communications have been fine for us. We've already agreed on details for future children. If he would just budge on a few things, I can MORE than budge on everything else. Well your moon and stars is either not the one for you because of compatibility and compromising issues or he is sabotaging all efforts at a wedding because he doesn't want to be married, take your pick. This is just the beginning.... G Link to post Share on other sites
dovegirl Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I agree with Grumpybutfun. It is a big red flag if you are having this much trouble compromising on plans for a wedding or picking an engagement ring (I read your other thread too). The wedding is not important. Let me say that again. The wedding is not important. The *marriage* is important. If you two can't even compromise on things that don't matter, what is going to happen when you disagree on things that do?? Think about this for a minute. This is the man that you supposedly want to be with for the rest of your life. Every day, he is there. Every decision you make from now on, you consider how it effects him. You place him above every other person in your life...your parents, your siblings, your friends. And you two can't agree on a band of metal for your finger. That's a problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 The wedding is not important. Let me say that again. The wedding is not important. The *marriage* is important. I know this. If you reread my original post, you'll see that I offered to just forgot the wedding altogether and just be legally married. We want to be married. We are 100% in agreement on that. The general consensus seems that either a compromise needs to be made or we go out separate ways. Since breaking up is NOT an option, and he's already made it clear on what he won't budge about, I will compromise. Whatever wedding he wants, we will do that. If he will be most happy getting married in his backyard, then we will do that. He can plan it however he wants. I have no business caring about the ceremony. I just want my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 I have no business caring about the ceremony. Really? You don't want your friends and family shivering outdoors in December, or paying a lot for the privilege to attend your wedding, or driving a long distance. Why wouldn't that be your business? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 Really? You don't want your friends and family shivering outdoors in December, or paying a lot for the privilege to attend your wedding, or driving a long distance. Why wouldn't that be your business? Well he doesn't want my friends there anyway, and I'll propbably just cut down my guest list to just my parents and my best friend (maid of honor). Keep it simple. Link to post Share on other sites
dovegirl Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Yes, I did see that you were willing to forget the wedding. However, I didn't see where he was willing. My post applies just as much to him as it does to you. It is not a "compromise" if you give up on all of the things you want to give him everything he wants. If you do that, the two of you aren't working together to solve a problem. Go back to your original post, and pick out how many times you said some variation of "I want" or "He said". So, my question is, where is the "we" that should be there? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well he doesn't want my friends there anyway, and I'll propbably just cut down my guest list to just my parents and my best friend (maid of honor). Keep it simple. Wait what...he doesn't want YOUR friends at your wedding???? Um...explain how you said this so casually like it is normal. Why not and why are you fine with this? I'm sorry Chelle, but this man sounds selfish and controlling and you seem all too happy to go along with whatever simply because you want a husband it seems. You also really don't seem to get that compromise isn't doing what HE wants....you keep saying you're gonna compromise and have the wedding he wants and wear whatever he wants and I assume now not invite your own friends and just have your parents and bestfriend because it suits him. This is NOT the definition of compromise. This is an imbalanced relationship where one person clearly fears losing the other more (hint: you are that person) so will go along with whatever. Good luck as you carry on your lives as this doesn't bode well at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm not into gender roles, but I'm kind of surprised that this guy is so extremely fussy about his wedding - most guys have some general suggestions and desires, but for the most part leave it to their women to plan - and then un-ironically calling something "gay" on top of it. He's actually being a bit of a drama queen himself. Honest to God I agree. when I got married the first time, I, pretty much was the fifth wheel. My job was to stand at the alter, look stupid until she came down the aisle with her Dad. All in all, when she was planning the wedding I was included but my job was to nod my head in agreement. Not to mention, I couldn't give a rats ass if she had roses in her bouquet or dandelions. The groom pretty much is a mannequin whose sole purpose to stand there. Second wedding was better. Stood in front of the justice of the peace and got out of there in ten minuets. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Wait what...he doesn't want YOUR friends at your wedding???? Um...explain how you said this so casually like it is normal. Why not and why are you fine with this?. I was just about to say the same thing. Honestly, I don't think this about the rings or wedding plans. Something bigger is afoot here... and I think GrumpyButFun nailed it already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Honestly, I don't think this about the rings or wedding plans. Something bigger is afoot here... and I think GrumpyButFun nailed it already. What, that he doesn't want to marry me? Marriage was all his idea. I never brought it up, mentioned it, or pressured in any way. He's been hinting towards wanting to marry me for months! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 What, that he doesn't want to marry me? Marriage was all his idea. I never brought it up, mentioned it, or pressured in any way. He's been hinting towards wanting to marry me for months! Most likely the part about: This is about your compatibility and ability to compromise. You aren't compatible and you can't compromise. You are correct, no wedding because you can't have a marriage if you cannot even agree and be kind about a wedding. He sounds immature and selfish and honestly,that isn't the type of person you will want to share your life with. If there is only push and pull a relationship will implode. Don't waste your time or your life with someone who is selfish, immature and inconsiderate. You are being given a gift, red flags that are warning you of what life is going to be like with this guy. Be thankful they came now instead of down the line when you can't compromise over the everyday details of life or your children, finances, boundaries or sex. You know I always hear people say, I wish I had known how hard marriage was going to be, well, it is a million times harder than planning a wedding for one day in your life so take this as your sign. Move on, he isn't right for you, Link to post Share on other sites
Cynicalme Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Oh geez...why is he acting like such a girl? Ask him, maybe he'll get the hint. But really...why don't you both post on a forum for wedding etiquette regarding making your guests pay, destination wedding, outdoor/indoor weddings during inclement weather, etc. He just may see a whole lot of his wrong. Post your situation together so he can't accuse you of twisting things. Then come back here and let us know how it went! He's being totally unreasonable. You need to study that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 What, that he doesn't want to marry me? Marriage was all his idea. I never brought it up, mentioned it, or pressured in any way. He's been hinting towards wanting to marry me for months! No, that's not it at all. I seems pretty clear to me, though, that from what you've said, his idea of marriage doesn't leave much room for compromise at all. This is purely my speculation, but I venture that you are feeling unwilling to compromise on the ring thing, because its some kind of symbol of his "my way or the highway approach to marriage and commitment. Now, only you can know for sure if compromise is truly happening in this relationship. Only you can assess that. But there are what look like serious red flags here to me. I would think carefully before committing to this man on his terms alone. Do you want your friends at the wedding? Have you told him so? what happens when you tell him what you wish to happen at the ceremony? Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 OP, Don't get married to this guy. Put your energy into improving yourself, educating yourself, and making more of your own money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 OP, Don't get married to this guy. Put your energy into improving yourself, educating yourself, and making more of your own money. Well, I must say, I think I am a great person, am bettering myself everyday in different ways, am highly educated (I have a masters degree), and making more money is something that will come with time. Not sure what the point of your jab was. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 How old are you guys? 'Cuz, honestly, this sounds like the sort of thing young 20-somethings would plan without any consideration to the future of the marriage. What the others have said - particularly Grumps - postpone until you are both 100% on the same page. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 How old are you guys? 'Cuz, honestly, this sounds like the sort of thing young 20-somethings would plan without any consideration to the future of the marriage. What the others have said - particularly Grumps - postpone until you are both 100% on the same page. We are both 28. I do not want to wait too long. We want children. I refuse to have children out of wedlock. I am ready to be married. WE are ready for this. I hate the idea of putting it off indefinitely just because we can't agree on the ceremony. Since it seems to be much more important to him than it is to me, I feel it's appropriate that I fall back on my refusal of his ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouched Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Since I just joined here I have been looking at past threads to see if I can get to know a bit about the people here. I hope that this is not the same man you were dating last year at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Since I just joined here I have been looking at past threads to see if I can get to know a bit about the people here. I hope that this is not the same man you were dating last year at this time. No it is not the same man. I broke up with that man shortly after the thread was made. Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I hate the idea of putting it off indefinitely just because we can't agree on the ceremony. Since it seems to be much more important to him than it is to me, I feel it's appropriate that I fall back on my refusal of his ideas. If you feel that the ceremony itself isn't as important to you, are you 100% sure you wouldn't regret it in the future? Thoughts of "damnit, we should have gone with that outdoor wedding in spring" or something are bound to happen in future years. I would hate to give up my "dream wedding" just because my bf wants it another way. We'd both work to find a compromise. Because a wedding is about both persons involved. And I would definitely hate it to be the only one giving up on my wants while the guy gets what he wants... In your case, the engagement ring AND the ceremony. Isn't that too much on your part? What is the guy doing on his part? Because apparently, he doesn't seem to care about your needs Link to post Share on other sites
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