Can't agree on a wedding.

[ChelleBelle00]

If you feel that the ceremony itself isn't as important to you, are you 100% sure you wouldn't regret it in the future? Thoughts of "damnit, we should have gone with that outdoor wedding in spring" or something are bound to happen in future years.

 

I would hate to give up my "dream wedding" just because my bf wants it another way. We'd both work to find a compromise. And I would definitely hate it to be the only one giving up on my wants while the guy gets what he wants... In your case, the engagement ring AND the ceremony. Isn't that too much on your part? What is the guy doing on his part? Because apparently, he doesn't seem to care about your needs

 

He's always been the far more romantic and mushy one of us.

 

 

I have never been a romantic. I never had a dream wedding. It wasn't until I envisioned myself marrying him that I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like.

 

 

It's not like I had some princess fairytale idea in my head since I was a little girl.

 

 

I guarantee that he cares MUCH more than I do.

[Untouched]

To read your posts, they seem to have a lot in common. It bothers me when you say things like, "why should I care about the ceremony," or "why should I care about my ring." Of course you should care!

[ChelleBelle00]

To read your posts, they seem to have a lot in common. It bothers me when you say things like, "why should I care about the ceremony," or "why should I care about my ring." Of course you should care!

 

Because while talking this out and being harped on to end the relationship, I'm realizing what's important to me. Having this man as my husband is far more important than a ceremony and a band of metal on my finger.

 

 

I guess it took people telling me to leave to get me to see that.

 

 

Screw the ring. Screw the ceremony.

[lollipopspot]

It's not like I had some princess fairytale idea in my head since I was a little girl.

 

I guarantee that he cares MUCH more than I do.

 

Then I guess he'll get his fairy tale prince idea of a wedding - in a weedy back yard in December, or a Vegas celebration paid for by the guests. His ideas don't sound very polite to the guests though.

[CarrieT]

Then I guess he'll get his fairy tale prince idea of a wedding - in a weedy back yard in December, or a Vegas celebration paid for by the guests. His ideas don't sound very polite to the guests though.

 

This is what is striking many of us here... OP, many girls don't have an ideal of a fairy tale wedding. Heck, I am 50; *just* got married and my new husband was definitely more of a Bridezilla than I was. However, I didn't need to start to separate threads on basic differences we were having on something as important as the wedding. No, mine was far from grandiose, but neither was it akin to a weekend BBQ in someone's backyard.

 

Take a step back and realize that your "compromises" are you giving him his way. How is he giving you anything YOU want? That is all we are asking you to do....

[CC12]

OP, is there anything you're not being 100% honest about? A lot about this just doesn't make sense.

 

He doesn't want to just go get married at the courthouse because he thinks you'll hate him forever for it, yet he's putting up so much resistance to your ideas for the wedding. So on one hand, he's making this wedding out to be something you two have to do because you're the one who wants it, yet he won't let you have any say in it? Then he limits the number of guests you can invite, yet mocks you for it and calls it gay?

 

That sounds like he's playing some sort of really weird control game with you. It's truly strange. I mean, if I saw this on TV or something, his behavior would be comical:

 

"Yes, I would like a wedding in the backyard and Uncle Joe will grill up some 'dogs. ...No? Okay, fine, then let's have an outdoor wedding in December, a six hour drive from where we live, and charge our guests for their own dinners. Also, you may not invite any of your male friends."

 

Your boyfriend is trolling you. Or you're trolling us.

 

 

Sex and boundaries have been fine for us. All other communications have been fine for us. We've already agreed on details for future children.

 

Have things been fine because you've both always agreed on everything? What normally happens when you two disagree on something?

[Shepp]

I understand your viewpoint, but it is surely more than "We can't agree on wedding details so let's not get married at all, goodbye!".

 

he says jump and you say how high!

Where's the "it's my wedding and I'm inviting my friends, deal with it".

 

It's okay to come from different viewpoints if you can compromise but no where in your posts did you compromise - you just got pushed around and bowed to him.

Id be concerned about that start to a marriage you shoud be looking forward to your wedding.

 

 

My fiancee's untraditional, if it was down to just her we'd be getting married just me, her, & our boys on a beach somewhere. But I have a lot of family, friends I want there, I want a big party! Compromising isn't choosing one or the other it's having an outdoor wedding with lots of people but having some retro fair games and fun food and making it a less formal! Meeting somewhere in the middle!

[xxmusical]

OP, sorry if it sounded like some of us were suggesting you to end the relationship, but I think most of us really want you to reconsider your decision on complying with what he wants. This is not compromising. This is BOTH of your special day. This is the problem: him not willing to compromise. You said he cares about you. But have you ever wondered why he's not willing to compromise at all? Could it be that he doesn't want you to think/plan/worry/stress over the wedding and he wants the whole thing to be sort of a "surprise"-ish thing (since you mentioned he didn't want you to see/pick the ring beforehand = sort of similar...)? (Wild guess)

 

You haven't really answered my question from earlier: are you 100% sure you won't regret just going along with his wedding ideas after you're married? Yes, you said the wedding isn't as important to you as to him, but...are you sure you won't be looking back and think, "we should never have done the wedding in the backyard"? Yes, you (or he) could get a better ring after you're married. But the wedding? The wedding is [hopefully] a once in a lifetime thing... Are you sure there would be no regrets?

 

And I don't really understand why he doesn't want your friends (most of whom are male) attending the wedding?

 

Regardless, I hope you would think over and discuss with your bf again before making your decision. Good luck.

Edited May 14, 2014 by xxmusical

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not into gender roles, but I'm kind of surprised that this guy is so extremely fussy about his wedding - most guys have some general suggestions and desires, but for the most part leave it to their women to plan - and then un-ironically calling something "gay" on top of it. He's actually being a bit of a drama queen himself.

 

Guys are allowed to give a sh.it about their wedding day too.

[lollipopspot]

Guys are allowed to give a sh.it about their wedding day too.

 

Sure, but even if he were a female he'd be being an uncompromising drama queen about it, and a possibly homophobic one with bad ideas (outdoor December wedding in a crappy yard, or making guests drive a long way and pay for their own meals etc.) too.

[Silly_Girl]

Sure, but even if he were a female he'd be being an uncompromising drama queen about it, and a possibly homophobic one with bad ideas (outdoor December wedding in a crappy yard, or making guests drive a long way and pay for their own meals etc.) too.

 

 

Bridezillas are often talked about affectionately, it comes with the territory. If he wants to be a bridezilla he's every right

[lollipopspot]

Bridezillas are often talked about affectionately, it comes with the territory. If he wants to be a bridezilla he's every right

 

I don't talk about bridezillas affectionately, and I'm not sure that most people do either. They're known as pains in the asses, I think.

 

If you want to defend him mowing over his gf and making plans that will probably have the effect of making the guests uncomfortable though, go ahead.

[Silly_Girl]

If you want to defend him mowing over his gf and making plans that will probably have the effect of making the guests uncomfortable though, go ahead.

 

I didn't defend his actions, I just like equality.

[lollipopspot]

I didn't defend his actions, I just like equality.

 

Yay! Men get to be unyielding, rude, homophobic bridezillas too! Men aren't usually bridezillas - and that's a GOOD thing. Not sure why you'd pick this hill to die on.

[soccerrprp]

You two need to sit down and talk about having a very inexpensive "gathering" of friends and family and get married w/o any pomp and circumstance.

 

My gf and I are in the middle of this right now. Neither of us want to spend thousands of dollars when we could use that money for a nice trip/honeymoon, etc. OP, $7000 is too much in my book.

 

My gf reads my posts, so here I go.... My desire is to have a small ceremony with myself and my gf and our kids. Months later (or sooner) have a larger family/friends get-together to celebrate. Are you reading this, hon?!

 

To be honest, she is open to the idea, but other influences cannot be ignored.

Edited May 15, 2014 by soccerrprp

[MissBee]

I didn't defend his actions, I just like equality.

 

In this case, I don't think I'd personally like equal bad behavior. Neither person should be acting like that IMO and I'd rather be on the side of you both equally need to act better than you both should act equally ridiculous.

 

I'm not fond of Bridezillas and personally haven't heard it spoken of affectionately...side note: have you ever watched that reality show Bridezillas? I see it from time to time and I'm always appalled that anyone is marrying this person let alone friends and family putting up with their atrocious displays.

 

But back on topic...men can care about their wedding too...however in the case of the OP I really don't think that is the crux of the issue or what the problem is about in any way. The problem isn't if a man can care, many men care and aren't behaving like asses. The problem is that this woman has more than one thread where she's clearly upset that this guy seems to want everything his way or the high way, from having none of her friends, to ignoring her desires for the kind of ring she wants, to all kinds of other things and while she is obviously bothered by it, now she's trying to say she will "compromise" by doing everything he wants and the whole thing raises a red flag to many people.

[pink_sugar]

You two need to sit down and talk about having a very inexpensive "gathering" of friends and family and get married w/o any pomp and circumstance.

 

My gf and I are in the middle of this right now. Neither of us want to spend thousands of dollars when we could use that money for a nice trip/honeymoon, etc. OP, $7000 is too much in my book.

 

My gf reads my posts, so here I go.... My desire is to have a small ceremony with myself and my gf and our kids. Months later (or sooner) have a larger family/friends get-together to celebrate. Are you reading this, hon?!

 

To be honest, she is open to the idea, but other influences cannot be ignored.

 

I agree...if I could go back, we would have kept the ceremony cheap...(close friends and family only) and spent more on the honeymoon we never had. Most of the guests were people we hardly ever see anyways.

[soccerrprp]

I agree...if I could go back, we would have kept the ceremony cheap...(close friends and family only) and spent more on the honeymoon we never had. Most of the guests were people we hardly ever see anyways.

 

...honeymoon...never had???? That sucks! Is he an ex now?

 

That's what I mean, use the money for a nice honeymoon. Not some dog and pony show for family, friends and total strangers.

Edited May 15, 2014 by soccerrprp

[MuscleCarFan]

...honeymoon...never had???? That sucks! Is he an ex now?

 

That's what I mean, use the money for a nice honeymoon. No some dog and pony show for family, friends and total strangers.

 

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary this past Saturday.

[soccerrprp]

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary this past Saturday.

 

Start saving or get busy planning that "honeymoon you never had!!!!"

[MuscleCarFan]

Start saving or get busy planning that "honeymoon you never had!!!!"

 

Haha, no kidding!

[d0nnivain]

[quote name=soccerrprp;5702123 That's what I mean' date=' use the money for a nice honeymoon. Not some dog and pony show for family, friends and total strangers. [/quote]

 

 

Engaged couples need to jointly plan the wedding & HM they both want AND can afford.

 

 

We had the whole big, overpriced to do. But it's what my parents wanted. Both of them died shortly after that & looking back I am so very thankful they we got to have one last grand party with everyone we love.

 

 

While our HM was also on the grand side, I would have been just as happy with something simpler & cheaper because all I cared about was being alone with DH & we are fortunate enough to travel regularly I was so freaking tired after months of stressful wedding planning & running around that I barely had fun on the HM tour. In fact I got the flu & was pretty miserable for several days. We actually recreated that part of the HM 4 years later so I could see what I missed.

 

 

In the end there are 2 people in any marriage so both should have a say in the planning. If one person really doesn't care, fine. DH wasn't all that interested in many of the details but I was very conscientious about trying to accommodate him on the things that really mattered to him. Sometimes I wasn't able to give him everything he asked for but I didn't get everything either. For example, after I picked the colors (red & white) and my girls spent money on their gowns he decided he wanted to wear the Irish National tartan kilt which is predominantly Kelly green. I said hello no to a BP that looked like a Christmas card. We compromised on a tartan that contained more red. Everybody was happy. Had he told me he wanted green kilts before people spent money on red dresses, that would have been fine & everybody would have had green dresses. Timing matters too.

[jenkruger]

You need to work together with your fiance on this but I totally get wedding planning frustration! I'm planning my wedding for over 100 people that will take place in two months and we have already doubled our budget. This isn't easy but just check yourselves if at any point the wedding becomes more important than the marriage. Helps to put it into perspective!

[soccerrprp]

I get that people want to celebrate the event with family and friends. I get it. But, this celebration doesn't have to be financially back-breaking and over the top. You can have a MUCH CHEAPER and AS SIGNIFICANT of a celebration w/o all of the glamour and glitter. Have a small, inexpensive wedding, then plan for an inexpensive family/friends celebration later. Save your money for a nice honeymoon or down-payment or savings for retirement or investment.....preferably for a nice honeymoon:)!