Wedding planning/ anxiety/life stress

[4givrnt4gtr]

How do i deal with it!

 

I am at the three month mark before the wedding. Up until about a month ago, everything was pretty much smooth sailings. Then the huge debacle of 2014 happened (previous post if anyone cares) and from then on the stress has increased tenfold.

 

For the most part his jitters have calmed down. I want to believe him, though I can't help but wonder if his fears *truly* stopped or he just decided to ignore them (When I ask he swears he has no fears at all anymore).

 

Then his parents came this weekend to settled the whole rehearsal dinner stuff. My fiancé and I are basically trying to pay everything, and neither is the type to do anything over the top. We want a simple wedding that reflects who we are and are more focused on the marriage than the wedding. His mom however is more the type to care about what people say, and from the sound of it she is pretty concern that we are not sticking to tradition (ie. church wedding, etc) and that its very "modest" as she likes to put it.

 

I must say he and I are from very different backgrounds. His parents are very well off, while mine are middle class, hard working people with limited means. So of course, my family isn't really helping me with the wedding. Its all on me and I can only do so much (and want to do/ spend so much). In any case, this of course put a lot more stress on me, as I hate to admit it but Im a total people pleaser and I hate the thought that my future mother in law may not be happy with our wedding (thought she repeatedly said she is very impressed with what we are doing).

 

And then to top it off, my fiancé and I were talking about emotions, how I want to try to be less anxious, as it doesn't help me much. He said that is how he felt about being angry, and how he feels its useless for him to be angry, so he tries to ignore it. We talked more about it and I asked him what he does he get angry about. He said my cats, particularly at night. He said that, specially one that adores him, wake him up at night by either walking all over him or over me, and he feels bad when he "lashes out" at her.

I was not aware that he lashes out at my cats so I asked what he meant by that. He said that when she wakes him up he hugs her tightly until she runs away and leaves him alone. Now, I am confused as to how that is lashing out..but I am concern that he does it in anger and might accidentally suffocate her.

 

Im not sure if I should make a big deal out of this. I love my cats, specially her, as Ive had her for over a decade, and I would hate for something bad to happened to her because my half-asleep, angry fiancé wants to placate her by hugging her (as I type this I realize how weird that sounds...but it is what it is). I told him that this concerned me, and that when he wakes up to remember my cats are very important to me and if he hurts them basically he will have hell to pay. He said he would never hurt them but feels bad when he gets angry at them. I said that we should maybe get the cats out of the bedroom before he causes some harm inadvertently. He agreed, and although this is probably I good compromise, I can't help but feel weird that him hurting my cats is a possibility.

 

Ofcourse this tossed me into another "holy isH...am I marrying an angry person?? (although Ive never ever seen him lashing out in anger, EVER. Not even during arguments) and its just so exhausting.

 

And THEN I am in the tail end of a very demanding internship, where today I was asked to do something kind of shady that I don't feel comfortable doing. Ive been told to do it before and I basically pretended I didn't understand so I didn't do it. I was approached by my supervisor again asked to make sure I do what they want. I want to say no, but this isn't my supervisor's thing. Its the whole organization's thing, so I don't really have a choice but to either do it, or basically blow the whistle at my school about this (creating a HUGE mess). I have no time for this!!!!

 

Between wedding planning, anxiety, school, work and internship....I am running very very thin....

 

Any suggestions about how I can cope with all this?? I am half hoping I have a nervous breakdown, just so I slow down with all of this...I just want a teeny tiny little break

[newmoon]

perfect example of why people should elope or just go to a courthouse for $200 and get married there. who needs the stress, is it really worth it? just calm yourself down already and leave off on the planning for a week. take a break from the things that are stressful and come back to them after a week with better, clearer focus.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah just do it in the Caribbean! I was swimming in the pool on the morning of my wedding without a stress in the world. Everything arranged for me. Just turn up, choose the colour of your flowers and flavour of your cake, say I do, have a bit of a dance, off for some photos. It was a fantastic day.

[d0nnivain]

I love being married. I HATED wedding planning. We had relatively smooth sailing & it still sucked. It's all too expensive & there are too many people with too may different opinions telling you what you should do. Ugh.

 

Between his cold feet & this cat thing you have reason to pause. I'm not sure what this hugging business is all about but if you have any reason to believe this guy would hurt your pets do not marry him. It was an adjustment for DH to deal with my dog. They worked through after they lived under the same roof for a while. The dog "won" btw.

 

If your FMIL has expressed that she's impressed by what you are doing even if it's more modest than what she's used to, take that as high praise. In the end, the wedding is one overpriced day. The marriage is so much more important.

 

As for your work, if you truly think what you are being asked to do is shady, consult your advisor & or a lawyer. There are whistleblower laws in place to protect you from retaliation against refusing to do something illegal.

[mercuryshadow]

If it makes you feel any better, I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, OP!!! I am two weeks away from my wedding date and am wishing we'd have chosen to run off somewhere to get married, instead of hosting a "modest" wedding of about 60 guests where, like you, nothing is over the top. My family also comes from a middle-class background, and my FI's parents are extremely well off. However, my parents gifted us some money to help with the wedding, while FI's parents have had no involvement whatsoever, except for making some specific demands along the way, and being very dramatic.

 

 

All of this, coupled with having a house and responsibilities to share, as well as a 9 year old son to care for (mine from a previous relationship), plus both working full time...is weighing on me heavily. I've been grumpy, impatient, paranoid, anxious... everything I promised myself I wouldn't be!

My advice to you would be to get as much planning done and settled as soon as you can. And then you'll have time to spend the coming months and weeks reconnecting with your FI. I feel like my FI and I are in desperate need of a pre-wedding vacation to reconnect. Unfortunately, things are not going to work that way.

 

 

About the cats (I love cats too, but cannot have them because my FI is highly allergic), I'd find a calm moment to approach your FI with this again. It is very bizarre, and yes, I'd be alarmed, too. Is there some way you can keep them out of your room at night?

Edited May 14, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[4givrnt4gtr]

thanks everybody for the support and advice.

I talked to my fiancé about the whole cat issue and he reassured me that he loves the cats, sees them as his as well as mine and would never do anything to hurt them. He said he's never hurt a fly, literally. Its not hard to believe it as Ive never seen or ever feared temper from him. However we have agreed to keep them out of the room so we both can get good sleep. So far its been perfect. The cats aren't complaining to come in and we are sleeping thru the night!

 

Im still feeling anxious but its more a kind of nebulous anxiety. i don't know where its coming from or why. I reflect whether I am sure I want to marry him and without doubt I feel sure I do, so its not that...He also says he wants to marry me and just last night he hugged me saying he couldn't wait to be my husband (Though i must say i couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to convince himself when he said that). The good thing is that we always talk about what is going in with us so it helps a lot but I'm still feeling weird

 

The problem is that its starting to affect me physically. I am currently at work with a bad stomach pain with some um unpleasant symptoms

 

Argh I just want to feel good again!!!

[mercuryshadow]

Glad you were able to talk about the cats issue. That must be a relief for you.

 

 

I think you're experiencing typical cold feet. This is a major life event. (I am feeling the same way.) I've broken down in tears on a couple of occasions and feel constantly anxious. Is there any way you can plan for a small getaway with your FI? I wish I had made time to do that... all of the planning, trying to please everyone, etc, is hard for a bride-to-be. For me, being highly sensitive does not help. And like you, my stress becomes physically manifest. The best thing for me has always been meditation - maybe you should give it a shot. When I was meditating regularly (i.e. 2-3 times per week or more) I was at my healthiest and happiest, no matter what obstacles came my way. I plan on doing some meditation this weekend, but I am severely out of practice.

 

 

Good luck - make some "you" time, as well as some time to really reconnect with your FI.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hi everyone!!!

 

Well just as an update, and in case anyone with the same jitters happen upon this thread...

 

So the three months flew by...between work, wedding planning, wedding celebrations (bachelorette party!!!) next thing I knew it was the morning of my wedding day.

 

I was stressed out til the very last minute. The wedding weekend was particularly hard as I kept having this feeling that none of it was real, that I didnt deserve it or that we were rushing to get married (after 2 years of dating....we weren't), and I was very very emotional. I was mostly emotional because of all the love and support suddenly thrown at me...it was really intense.

 

Luckily my maid of honor is wonderful and I can tell her literally everything. She suggested I give in and cry it out, and to take a long walk in the morning of the wedding to relax a bit.

 

I did just that and I felt a million times better. Not fighting what I felt allowed it to just somehow go away.

 

The wedding itself was wonderful. I was incredibly happy and there were no fears or doubts in my mind whatsoever. It literally was the happiest day of my life.

 

We've been married for 2 months now and I know it was the best decision of my life. We both are very in love with each other and slowly but surely falling into our roles as husband and wife.

 

So basically...yes...it was likely to be pre-wedding jitters and they passed when I saw that it WAS real and I was marrying the man I love.

 

If anyone else has this experience my best advice would be to ensure that the guy or girl you are about to marry has the qualities you want in a person you will spend the rest of your life with. I would often just look at my husband and access what emotions he brought up in me. I was checking for anything bad like contempt or dislike. Luckily I didn't feel that, I just felt joy and felt very lucky.

 

If you plan to have children I found the best way to discern if this is truly a good match is to think whether you would be happy with your children turning out to be just like your significant other. IF so, I say you are good to go. (This was the thought process I went through when fears happened).

 

Anyway good luck to anyone who happens upon this thread and thank you to everyone who helped me out!!!