Coping with the end of an affair [updates]

[jesienna31]

Thank you so much for this thread... it has been so helpful also to me with all your comments..

I just decided to delete his number from my contact list so i stop checking his last seen time on whatsup... just realised that it doesn't help with moving on and healing. It is still part of the addiction to the relationship with them I guess we just want to feed ourselfs with something even if we decide to let go..

[Yoko72]

In my now 11th day of NC I am literary losing my $hit!!

I'm between feelings of jealousy and anger. I'm angry for allowing myself to let this happen. Being lonely lead me to an emotional/sexual affair with this man. I handed him my self esteem and pride. I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. All for a few crumbs. Now that its over he's moved on with his gf and I'm bitter and jealous.

Jealous of an ass clown who cheated on his gf from day one. I met him first but once she came into his life I was the side chick. One of the last things I told my AP is how much I envy his gf bc she will never know that he's cheated on her. She got the best of him and I got the worst. In my insanity I feel she's won. She has his "love" and devotion. I know people think you can't love someone and cheat on them but I really believe in this case you can. My AP was just a dog. A stupid dog that gambled and won. He had his fun and when I ended it he happily walked away. Even told me I should get out there and date.....ggrrrr.

 

So, they are now living together planning their future and I'm sad and lonely.

My friends think I should tell the gf about us and believe me I think about it all the time but I can't. I don't need the added drama. I just want to move on. I don't want to feel like I've lost anything. I have to remind myself daily that whatever this guy is to her he was awful to me. He and I were never to be and I need to let go of this fantasy relationship. So yes, its day 11 and I can only hope as the days go by I care less and less. Today, not so much.

 

Thanks for reading.....

[jesienna31]

In my now 11th day of NC I am literary losing my $hit!!

I'm between feelings of jealousy and anger. I'm angry for allowing myself to let this happen. Being lonely lead me to an emotional/sexual affair with this man. I handed him my self esteem and pride. I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. All for a few crumbs. Now that its over he's moved on with his gf and I'm bitter and jealous.

Jealous of an ass clown who cheated on his gf from day one. I met him first but once she came into his life I was the side chick. One of the last things I told my AP is how much I envy his gf bc she will never know that he's cheated on her. She got the best of him and I got the worst. In my insanity I feel she's won. She has his "love" and devotion. I know people think you can't love someone and cheat on them but I really believe in this case you can. My AP was just a dog. A stupid dog that gambled and won. He had his fun and when I ended it he happily walked away. Even told me I should get out there and date.....ggrrrr.

 

So, they are now living together planning their future and I'm sad and lonely.

My friends think I should tell the gf about us and believe me I think about it all the time but I can't. I don't need the added drama. I just want to move on. I don't want to feel like I've lost anything. I have to remind myself daily that whatever this guy is to her he was awful to me. He and I were never to be and I need to let go of this fantasy relationship. So yes, its day 11 and I can only hope as the days go by I care less and less. Today, not so much.

 

Thanks for reading.....

 

Yeah, let it all out... it is easier to deal with your emotions when you write them down... somehow you look at them as an observer and you step in front of them when you put it all down. Keep writing how you are getting on with moving on... and yeah, I agree with you, I would not tell her. It is not going to help you to move on, rather keep you stuck in the drama of the whole situation. The relationship with her has nothing to do with you, I know it affected you in a way, but still, this is something that you cannot control and own to manipulate. You can only take responsibility and own your own life and choices. Making someone's life more miserable shouldn't be the way to make yourself feel better. Just own your experience and learn from it, move on.

[learning_slowly]

In my now 11th day of NC I am literary losing my $hit!!

I'm between feelings of jealousy and anger. I'm angry for allowing myself to let this happen. Being lonely lead me to an emotional/sexual affair with this man. I handed him my self esteem and pride. I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. All for a few crumbs. Now that its over he's moved on with his gf and I'm bitter and jealous.

Jealous of an ass clown who cheated on his gf from day one. I met him first but once she came into his life I was the side chick. One of the last things I told my AP is how much I envy his gf bc she will never know that he's cheated on her. She got the best of him and I got the worst. In my insanity I feel she's won. She has his "love" and devotion. I know people think you can't love someone and cheat on them but I really believe in this case you can. My AP was just a dog. A stupid dog that gambled and won. He had his fun and when I ended it he happily walked away. Even told me I should get out there and date.....ggrrrr.

 

So, they are now living together planning their future and I'm sad and lonely.

My friends think I should tell the gf about us and believe me I think about it all the time but I can't. I don't need the added drama. I just want to move on. I don't want to feel like I've lost anything. I have to remind myself daily that whatever this guy is to her he was awful to me. He and I were never to be and I need to let go of this fantasy relationship. So yes, its day 11 and I can only hope as the days go by I care less and less. Today, not so much.

 

Thanks for reading.....

I have been in the position of your ex before. Maybe their relationship wasn't perfect and he met you. He was weak and turned to you rather than sorting out his relationship.

 

Then he's in a position where he doesn't know what to do. He cares for 2 people and knows he has to hurt one. Yes he was bad for getting into the situation, but there could be so many reasons that he appears to be moving on: he could be hoping you'll see it and have a life for yourself. I did this and realised I loved my affair too late.

 

All I am saying is life is not always black and white, and is more often grey

 

I thought you said you ended it. Did you give him an ultimatum?

[Yoko72]

@learning_slowly

 

No my AP was single when we met.

He met her while we were casually seeing each other. In the beginning I didn't think it was anything serious bc how could it be if he still wanted to see me and maintain contact. Crazy, I know...

Two years later they become a serious couple and I become the "little thing" on the side. GAWD....as I type this nonsense I'm seeing what I fool I was. I can't believe I let this happen.

[Yoko72]

I have been in the position of your ex before. Maybe their relationship wasn't perfect and he met you. He was weak and turned to you rather than sorting out his relationship.

 

Then he's in a position where he doesn't know what to do. He cares for 2 people and knows he has to hurt one. Yes he was bad for getting into the situation, but there could be so many reasons that he appears to be moving on: he could be hoping you'll see it and have a life for yourself. I did this and realised I loved my affair too late.

 

All I am saying is life is not always black and white, and is more often grey

 

I thought you said you ended it. Did you give him an ultimatum?

 

And to answer your question, I did end it when I found out he moved in with her. The jerk never even told me...I found out by snooping at his IG page.

[PachucaSunrise]

In my now 11th day of NC I am literary losing my $hit!!

I'm between feelings of jealousy and anger. I'm angry for allowing myself to let this happen. Being lonely lead me to an emotional/sexual affair with this man. I handed him my self esteem and pride. I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. All for a few crumbs. Now that its over he's moved on with his gf and I'm bitter and jealous.

 

Again, I'm right with you. I'm disgusted with myself and the poor choices I've made. It's always the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thought that crosses my mind before I go to bed. A common general statement I see time and time again on here is, "NEVER, EVER would I have pictured myself in this kind of situation. This is NOT the kind of person I am." And even though I truly believe that myself, here I sit. I'm beginning to pick myself off of the floor but still have a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that I actually allowed all of this to happen. Like you, I ALLOWED someone to use me, try me out... Take my pride, dignity, self-respect, emotions, and vulnerability for a test spin. And as you mentioned, I'm beginning to realize that I was lonely, too, and my self-esteem must have been in the gutter. I let him take the lead, settled for all the crumbs, and ENABLED him to live a secret life, not to mention, allowed myself to come between a M - regardless of how crappy it was!! I just can't believe I was OKAY with that!! If I could rewind time, I would have told him to get lost, to work on his M, and to call me sometime in the future when he had his life all figured out, but that's not what I did, and I beat myself up every day for it.

 

I think that what we're both going through is totally normal. And as awful as I feel at this moment, I'm allowing myself to feel this way - I'm not running from anything - I'm facing it, owning up to it, and coming to terms with the fact that I made a HUGE mistake. It sounds as though you're in a very similar spot, but I truly believe that facing this head-on is what's going to help us in the long run.

 

Jealous of an ass clown who cheated on his gf from day one. I met him first but once she came into his life I was the side chick. One of the last things I told my AP is how much I envy his gf bc she will never know that he's cheated on her. She got the best of him and I got the worst. In my insanity I feel she's won. She has his "love" and devotion. I know people think you can't love someone and cheat on them but I really believe in this case you can. My AP was just a dog. A stupid dog that gambled and won. He had his fun and when I ended it he happily walked away. Even told me I should get out there and date.....ggrrrr.

 

Now, take a step back and realistically look at your situation... She hasn't won anything. In fact, I feel sorry for her because the only thing she's won is a booby prize. She has NO IDEA what a dog this guy is. NO CLUE! That R is a FRAUD and she's totally clueless. I highly doubt that you'd ever want to find yourself in that kind of situation. Now, I know your emotions are running high and so I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but really, that poor girl doesn't have his "love" or devotion, just as you don't. And he didn't win anything, either. He just got lucky enough to have his cake and eat it, too. However, although this is incredibly crappy for you right now, you WILL win in the end. You'll win back your pride, your self-respect and dignity... Essentially, you'll win back yourself. You're certainly learning the hard way, but the most important thing is that you ARE learning. The damage is done and you can't take anything back, but this learning experience can only help you to make better choices in the future. From this day forward, take ANY positives you can from this and use it to your advantage. You really will thank yourself for it later.

 

So, they are now living together planning their future and I'm sad and lonely.

My friends think I should tell the gf about us and believe me I think about it all the time but I can't. I don't need the added drama. I just want to move on. I don't want to feel like I've lost anything. I have to remind myself daily that whatever this guy is to her he was awful to me. He and I were never to be and I need to let go of this fantasy relationship. So yes, its day 11 and I can only hope as the days go by I care less and less. Today, not so much.

 

Thanks for reading.....

 

My MM's W begged me for the truth. If she didn't, there's no way I would have ever gotten myself even more tangled up in that mess. But I reversed the situation and put myself in her shoes, and I finally put an end to saving his a$$ for all the lies he continued to tell. In short, I told her everything, and as much as I didn't want to do it, I believe I made the right decision. He hates me for it, and I can't blame him, but I owed her the truth. If I were her, I know I'd want to know, too. I knew that in telling her the truth I would ruin any and every chance there was for my MM and I to have a future together, but I was FINALLY able to sort of see the situation for what it was and actually make a morally sound decision for the first time during our entire A. I'm still coming to terms with it, but I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do.

 

I think you have the right idea about letting things go in the 'telling her department' as well. If she knew and wanted you to shed some light on the situation, that's certainly one thing, but she doesn't know, and by telling her, I have a feeling it would only come off as a sort of 'retaliatory/revenge' kinda thing on your part. You definitely don't need that right now. Up until this point, everything has been about him, and it's time that you start putting yourself first. You've obviously started doing that by coming here and owning up to your mistakes. Just keep moving forward with that... Keep healing. One day at a time.

 

I also have a feeling that although she currently might not know what a creep this guy truly is, she certainly will in time, and unfortunately, that's really gonna suck for her when that time comes, and I really believe it will. I know it's hard to snap yourself right out of it... To end all the jealous and lonely feelings... I have a ton of them too, ESPECIALLY because my MM is following through with his D, and instead of coming back to me, he's choosing to 'live it up'... ALL OVER the dating sites, hitting the bars and loving his freedom. That's a complete slap in the face to me. But I have to continuously remind myself that while he's out having his fun, his soon-to-be XW and I are stuck dealing with the aftermath, in different ways, of course. Instead of masking all the pain, relationship-hopping, drinking our faces off, and God knows what else, we're facing the reality of everything head-on and dealing with all the hurt in the moment. I'm not 100% sure about her, but I know in my case that by dealing with this in the present, I'm going to save myself a lot of agony in the future. I'll be in a much better state, in every aspect, when somebody new comes along. I'll be wiser and MUCH more emotionally available (and stable), while he's probably doing keg stands at the local frat party, pretending that nothing ever happened.

 

So, honestly, you haven't lost anything. You really need to remind yourself of that. If anything, you've gained A TON of insight about yourself that will only be beneficial to you as the days pass. You're aware and looking at your situation from a realistic standpoint - that's CRUCIAL! Of course you're sad, remorseful, jealous, and probably a million and one other emotions as well... But you're dealing, and you're owning up to your mistakes, and you're venting, and you're putting the pieces of your life back together a little at a time. Just keep moving forward. That's really all you can do at this point (Trust me, I KNOW... I'm there right now, too). And when you have a moment of weakness, ALWAYS remind yourself that you're worth so, so much more than someone else's crumbs, and that you will NEVER accept being a part of any situation remotely like this, EVER AGAIN. We all deserve to fully love and be loved. NEVER, EVER, EVER settle for anything less than you think you deserve. Face forward and chin up... You got this, girl.

Edited May 18, 2014 by PachucaSunrise
Incorrect quoting

[Yoko72]

Wow! Thank you so much PachucaSunrise. You are spot on, I guess it really does take hearing it from another person before it sinks in. Like you I think of this man every morning when I wake up. I want him and hate him every minute of the day. I had a moment this morning thinking about something he said to me during our last talk. He told me about his gf and how apparently in her previous relationship of 15yrs she was cheated on by her fiance. He even got the OW pregnant. Anyway he tells me how he would never want to hurt her in that way again. That he always felt conflicted about being a dog and being a good bf. At that moment I wanted to scream "DID YOU EVER ONCE THINK ABOUT ME AND HOW I WAS AFFECTED" I did ask and of course his reply was yes but I don't believe him for one second.

My feelings were never important to him. Thats the reality. I was never a factor or option.

He's a cheater who thinks he loves his gf but I doubt he even understands what love is....On one hand he would post weekly pictures of her on his IG. To look at their relationship thru photos you see this man head over heels in love with this woman. How do you go from being this devoted bf one minute and a complete scumbag the next? Your right, their relationship is a fraud. Ironically he's living a fantasy life just like me.

I want to shake him and tell me to be honest with himself. You can't say you love your gf and cheat on her like that.... Ugh!

 

Here I am venting again...thanks again for reaching out and sharing your wisdom. I really hope we BOTH cross over to the other side and find people to truly appreciate who we are. I'm not over him yet but I will be. Day 12 and counting...

 

Take care...lots of hugs!

[whichwayisup]

My feelings were never important to him. Thats the reality. I was never a factor or option.

 

Use this as anger to fuel and push you to the next level of totally letting go. I hope soon you're able to not have him living in your head so much. Keep this in mind, the amount of time you're thinking of him, he isn't thinking of you at all. GET MAD, get fed up and say "F it! I'm done!"

 

Get busy, focus on you, your friends, family and hobbies. Do not let yourself reminisce at night or in the morning. Re train your brain to not think of him as much, hopefully as time goes on he'll be in your head (and heart) less and less.

 

You deserve better, so start by treating 'you' well.

[P1nginLOVE]

Hi...

 

So....

2 years ago I met a guy online. We had a few dates and when I started to like him he told me that he had no time for anything serious so things remained casual. We found that we had great sexual chemistry. It was awesome but eventually he met someone and began seeing her. I got pissed told him to go to hell and after a few weeks in a fit of loneliness I text him. He told me he didn't want to be that guy but in the same breath still wanted see me. So for the next two years we text almost daily and slept together occasionally, met for dinner, lunch, coffee breaks..etc It was hard at first because I knew that he was stilling seeing his gf but then I thought how serious could they possibly be if he still wanted to see me. They went on vacations together and he would text me in the cab on the way home from the airport. He would text me while on business trips. I desperately wanted a place in his life but all I ever saw was their relationship growing. I tried dating, working out anything I could do to have a life. I live in NYC and its very tough to make connections so he became my fallback guy.

A week ago I found out he moved in with his gf. I was devastated. I confronted him and we sat and talked for a long time. He told me that he cared for me but he loved his girlfriend. He apologized for not letting me go sooner. He took all the responsibility and even tried to tell me that he was once in my situation. I guess he was trying to empathize. He even told me that I should get out there and date more. My girlfriends that know of the situation think he's scum bag. I agree but what no one understands is that this guy was there for me, even in the smallest of forms. No guy I tried dating ever stuck around long enough to get to know me. This guy did. Dating for me has always been difficult. Its been a week of NC and I'm sitting on my hands to avoid texting him. He says he wants to be friends but no way.

This "relationship" has left me more insecure then ever. I feel passed over. I feel like I wasn't good enough. I feel jealous of his gf. I know its insane to look at it like this...but It's like she won the prize. I told him during our talk that I envy his gf because she will never know this side of him. She got the good and I got the worst. I'm just the stupid fool who allowed herself to be used.

 

Sigh...thoughts? Words or wisdom?

 

You should be grateful that you know him for who he really is.

When you can think clearly, you will see that he is not a good guy at all. and you will eventually laugh at yourself because you ever did love him.

I am still under the shadow of my xMM, but am recovering. We still meet ocassionally but no physical touch. Just talking and trying to be good friends.

 

Think thoroughly....are you hurt because you love him? or because it hurts your ego that you could not win his heart. And do you really want to be involved and sleep with someone everyday whom you know can be unfaithful before. They say: BAD HABITS DIE HARD.

 

Time heals the pain!

[Yoko72]

First of all thank you all for ur support and words of wisdom.

I'm on 14days of no contact and I can't get my AP off my mind.

Even though I know ending this nonsense was for the best but I miss him.

In a nutshell it was loneliness that made me weak for this attached man. What

I learned in therapy was that the longing to be loved is greater then common sense... At least for me. I know my relationship with this man

Has no future. I allowed him to have his cake and eat it too but my need to have

Some semblance of "love" outweighed the fact he was using me.

So for me to get passed this mess it seems I have to get over not having romantic love in my life??? It's like asking a starving child to forget wanting a sandwhich....it's a ridiculous analogy but it honestly rings true for me.

It's so hard accepting that I need to sit back and wait for some awesome

Man to come by. I've tried it all online dating, set ups .. I feel doomed and right now totally defeated. And clearly sorry for myself.

Sigh..... Thanks for reading.

[Ronnie33]

When I was in my early 20's I met a guy through friends. I instantly thought he was attractive but I also knew he knew he was and I ignored him. Well he pursued me and because he was so good looking and charming I instantly fell for him but I knew I couldn't trust him. We dated for two months and he broke up with me because he said in the end he would only hurt me and I wanted more then he could give me. I was in love with him and everytime he came back around I would continue to sleep with him hoping that he would change his mind and realize he wanted to be with me. He never made me any promises and was always honest. We had a great time together and could spend hours together just laughing but at the end of the day all of the sex and laughing still didn't change the fact that he didn't want to be with me. Finally after one of my closest guy friends told me how pathetic I looked going on like this I stopped. Two weeks later he came to my friends bday party with his new gf. I wanted to die. I couldn't even look at them because I didn't want him to see how bad I was hurt. He didn't want me to be his gf but two weeks after we stopped sleeping together this girl was?? I laid in bed for weeks crying wondering why I wasn't good enough but she was. I dated other guys and all I could think about was him. Two months later I needed some car work done and my friend said to call him and bring my car there. At first I said no but figured it had been two months and he still had a gf and I would be fine. He told me to bring the car by his house some could look at it. I get there and he tries to sleep with me. I pushed him off and said what the hell are you doing? You have a gf. He said "I don't know what she does when she's not with me and back at school" (she was two hours away at college) I said "that's a ****ty excuse and I'm not letting you cheat on her with me" he said and I quote "do you know how many other girls would love to be here now" and I said "go call one" and I left. I got in my car, called my best friend and cried all the way home. What an ******* he was and I had finally seen it.

 

For the next year I went out with my girlfriends constantly. I lived in NYC at the time too and every weekend we were out. I didn't date or sleep with anyone for a year after him. I was so scorned and didn't even want to deal with guys but I was happy alone and that meant more to me then anything. My friends and my knowing I deserved more is what got me through. His gf didn't win the prize, she won a cheating ******* and for years they were together and he continued to cheat.

 

You live in NYC and are single. Go out and own it and don't worry about being alone because sometimes being alone is the only way to find out who we really are.

[Yoko72]

When I was in my early 20's I met a guy through friends. I instantly thought he was attractive but I also knew he knew he was and I ignored him. Well he pursued me and because he was so good looking and charming I instantly fell for him but I knew I couldn't trust him. We dated for two months and he broke up with me because he said in the end he would only hurt me and I wanted more then he could give me. I was in love with him and everytime he came back around I would continue to sleep with him hoping that he would change his mind and realize he wanted to be with me. He never made me any promises and was always honest. We had a great time together and could spend hours together just laughing but at the end of the day all of the sex and laughing still didn't change the fact that he didn't want to be with me. Finally after one of my closest guy friends told me how pathetic I looked going on like this I stopped. Two weeks later he came to my friends bday party with his new gf. I wanted to die. I couldn't even look at them because I didn't want him to see how bad I was hurt. He didn't want me to be his gf but two weeks after we stopped sleeping together this girl was?? I laid in bed for weeks crying wondering why I wasn't good enough but she was. I dated other guys and all I could think about was him. Two months later I needed some car work done and my friend said to call him and bring my car there. At first I said no but figured it had been two months and he still had a gf and I would be fine. He told me to bring the car by his house some could look at it. I get there and he tries to sleep with me. I pushed him off and said what the hell are you doing? You have a gf. He said "I don't know what she does when she's not with me and back at school" (she was two hours away at college) I said "that's a ****ty excuse and I'm not letting you cheat on her with me" he said and I quote "do you know how many other girls would love to be here now" and I said "go call one" and I left. I got in my car, called my best friend and cried all the way home. What an ******* he was and I had finally seen it.

 

For the next year I went out with my girlfriends constantly. I lived in NYC at the time too and every weekend we were out. I didn't date or sleep with anyone for a year after him. I was so scorned and didn't even want to deal with guys but I was happy alone and that meant more to me then anything. My friends and my knowing I deserved more is what got me through. His gf didn't win the prize, she won a cheating ******* and for years they were together and he continued to cheat.

 

You live in NYC and are single. Go out and own it and don't worry about being alone because sometimes being alone is the only way to find out who we really are.

 

Awww' Dating, I know it well. I hear you I really do but I'm so done with the

Dating scene here. In a way my AP was my fallback guy. It was easier dealing with his nonesense then meeting someone new.

He's no longer an option. I know for sanity I need to take a break and refocus on something else. Thanks for sharing ur story.

[TwoTowns]

Has anyone ever been addicted to checking up on their AP?

I'm currently on 11 days of NC and I have to admit that I have been cheating by looking at his social media pages.

I keeping telling myself that I'm only hurting myself in doing this but I can't stop. As I try to deal with all this I guess I'm wondering if anyone else struggles with social media and what they do to help themselves.

 

My ex-AP is not on any social networking sites, but his live-in girlfriend is. I too am often compelled to check out her page, and I almost always regret doing so. You're only human. Hopefully, with the passage of time, you won't need to anymore.

You seem young. You'll meet someone at some point who will take your mind off of this guy. Then what he posts online won't matter to you.