To Forgive Is To Suffer!

[shadowsfall]

Thought I'd let you and everyone else know that she called me. She text messaged her new cell number to me and called me shortly after to verify I got it. I said NO to see what she would do. She was like oh, well I called and text messaged you, so you should of got it. Then she insisted on calling me back with her new phone. She called back and told me to delete her old number and save the new one. I kind of responded unenthused about it, and then I kind of rudely said I have go. And she asked why... I said I have to get my homework done. And we hung up...

 

 

Not that exciting huh? Obviously it must mean something if she wanted to make sure I had her new number. Is this the approach I should be taking with her? I may of ruined my chances at getting a bday present, but I was proud that I gave her a piece of what she's giving me, unenthusiasm and a lot of I gotta go's. And I definitely "didn't take any lame sh*t from her"!!!

 

Justin

[Thinkalot]

It sure is a sign she hasnt closed the door on things, I agree.

 

But if things are to work, there is a lot to be discussed.

 

It's good you are staying strong...just dont play games though.

 

when you get the chance, clearly say the things which are bothering you and need to be resolved if you two are to make a go of it.

[shadowsfall]

Thank you for taking time to write here Thinkalot.

 

I agree I don't believe in games. Maybe I should of brought it up when she called. I don't know, now I feel like I may of missed one of my opportunities at clearing things up.

[Thinkalot]

no- dont worry about stuff like that, you'll drive yourself crazy (believe me, I tend to worry about stuff, so I know).

 

In my initial response to you above, as I said, you havenothing to feel bad about, and it is a shame you have had to go through this at all.

 

I would give it maybe another day or so, and then call.

[shadowsfall]

You're right, I keep forgetting I shouldn't feel at fault here. Gotta admit she's done a damn good job if she was trying to make me feel like sh*t. And Yea I have a major tendency to overthink little things like that. I'll give it a day and maybe call her Friday to try and clear things up.

 

Will keep updating,

Justin

[Groovy]

Hi, agree location was not a good choice and I would feel disrespected. But this is a 3 year relationship...hardly worth dumping out over that. And I agree she told her mom and that is much bigger violation. But even her mom knows people masturbate! (Though I think men do a little more). We all do! So don't be afraid to show your face based on that. As far as going down on you for a minute....that's just plain evil. I'd only do that to torture a man if I was extremely bitter on that day!

[shadowsfall]

This is way hard trying not to call her... I wish I could just hear from her...

[shadowsfall]

Well here's an update...

 

It's been 3days since she last called me to give me her new cell phone number. For some reason this breakup has been much easier than the last couple, and I don't know why? On the previous breakup, everything reminded me of her and anytime I saw a couple I was reminded how much I miss her. This time it's different. I don't feel any jealousy toward other couples, I'm not angry at work, and best of all those Valentine's day commercials aren't bothering me. But I mean despite all this, I still have my moments.

 

The thing that is bothering me though is that she has yet to give me that birthday present she said she got. I mean I know she doesn't make a whole lot of money, and she doesn't drive, but she said she had something but had to go pick it up. I don't know why, but that hurts the most.

 

-Justin

[shadowsfall]

The Next Update...

 

Well she sent me a text message last night (Saturday) at 11:00pm after 3days of no contact. She asked me If I was mad at her... (Kind of funny how that last conversation with her turned the tables a little bit). I replied "No..." about 20minutes later and left it at that. In all honesty I'm not mad, but I am disappointed. I just don't know If I should explain my disappointment to her or just move on. Anyway I haven't received a reply back from her yet, and it's making me concerned. Maybe she fell asleep after she sent me that message? I'm trying my best to hold off on calling her, I mean if she really wanted to talk she knows my number! But there is still a big part of me that wants to call her. I hope by telling her I'm not mad at her It didn't put her mind at ease somehow?? Why should I even care at all?

 

My apologies as I'm still in the venting stage of the breakup...

 

Justin-

 

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away

[Merin]

Originally posted by shadowsfall

The Next Update...

 

Well she sent me a text message last night (Saturday) at 11:00pm after 3days of no contact. She asked me If I was mad at her... (Kind of funny how that last conversation with her turned the tables a little bit). I replied "No..." about 20minutes later and left it at that. In all honesty I'm not mad, but I am disappointed. I just don't know If I should explain my disappointment to her or just move on. Anyway I haven't received a reply back from her yet, and it's making me concerned. Maybe she fell asleep after she sent me that message? I'm trying my best to hold off on calling her, I mean if she really wanted to talk she knows my number! But there is still a big part of me that wants to call her. I hope by telling her I'm not mad at her It didn't put her mind at ease somehow?? Why should I even care at all?

 

My apologies as I'm still in the venting stage of the breakup...

 

Justin-

 

 

Hang in there Justin..

 

::Merins feeling a little bitter right now::

 

LOL I got nothing.. because I don't want to let my sh*t spill over into yours... hang in there sweetie.. you'll be okay.

[Thinkalot]

I reckon you should call her, calmly, and say the things you want to say. Not to get back together, simply to call and explain, calmly, how you feel about what happened. Say, you are sad it came to this (or whatever) and that you know it's time to move on, but you just wanted to let her know you are so dissapointed in the way she acted...how it was disrespectful, and that it should not have been something which was blown up into something so huge, but which could have been spoken about. (or whatever you want to get off your chest). Just dont attack, or get overly emotional...keep it calm!

[shadowsfall]

Do you really think I should call? I mean I do want to get things off my chest, but I feel like that would be giving in... At this point I think she's realizing how upset I am about things because of that text message she sent me, and for the fact that I stopped calling her for like 4days. And I know I've said this quite a bit but I'm still bitter over the fact that she never gave me the gift she supposedly got me for my BDAY. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Why would I want to be someone who's not going to take the time to show that she wishes me a happy bday? May be a stupid reason though...

 

Justin

[Weird]

late into this thread but what the hell...

 

that is retarded that she got pissy like that over you jerking off beside her. It's even worse that she told her mom. hahaha, man that is weird.

 

Like others said, she shouldn't have started blowing you if she wasnt going to finish. ...or she could have started givign you a handjob when you started rather than lay there pretending she is asleep.

 

I had one instance where I had to take matters into my own hand when I was with my ex although it was a bit diff than your situation. I went to the bathroom to do it and I forget how it came up but I told her I was handling my biznass myself and she sorta got a little upset because she felt guilty for I guess not taking care of me although she never got mad at me or anything silly like that.

 

I'd guess your ex felt the same way about you and did the common human trait of trying to blame someone else when the problem is within.

[shadowsfall]

I appreciate your response Rob, and it's never too late to post here because I need all the advice and support I can get. I too believe the problem was within and she was projecting it onto me. Regardless of that though I still can't help but feel bad about losing her over this. It's been so hard these last 3days with NC but I felt like things were getting better until she text messages me last night. Now I feel like I have to start all over again. And I'm trying hard to fight my instinct to call her. I don't know whether to keep up the NC or call her and get some things off my chest...

 

Justin

[Thinkalot]

Justin, entirely up to you on whether you call.

 

I dont think you should call to get back together with her.

 

I do think she is immature and needs to grow up a bit...and that this stalemate between you could potentially drag on for a while.

 

she obviously knows now that you are annoyed. Maybe she's feeling sad and a bit sorry herself.

 

I simply mean, that if you wish to move on from this, then get the stuff off your chest (calmly, matter of factly- I'd write it down in point form, so you dont get off track) and let her know how you feel about what happened and why. I'd make it clear YOU are dissapointed in HER.

 

Then, unless she suddenly sees if from your point of view, and makes some big changes in herself, I feel it's probably time for you to let it go and move forward.

 

This is just my opinion of course, and I dont really know you or the situation fully. But based on what you've said, it seems like the best course to me.

 

Good luck.

[shadowsfall]

*Update*

 

Well everything was on the line tonight, just thought I'd fill you all in on the verdict. I apologize it's kind of long...

 

So I called her up. She was under the impression I was mad at her about everything so I explained to her that I was mainly just disappointed that things had to end over this. Then I apologized for my choice in location and that I probably should of took it in another room but that IMO its a completely normal and natural thing that most guys do. This didn't really matter to her because she was so hung up on my location choice. Anyway after I got that off my chest I asked her again if she really told her mom. She did, and I found out her mom was more neutral on the position than what I had originally thought. Her mom apparantely has had the same thing happened to her, and just kind of told her that she would be ok and she would get over it.

 

Then I said I felt betrayed a little by the fact that she shared this info with her mom. She said her mom doesn't hate me, and she asked who I've spoken to about it. I mentioned a couple of my friends names Chris, Jesse. She thought I would of told my good friend Ashley about it (she's always been jealous of her). Anyway I told her that my friends agreed with me, and I asked her If she got a male perspective on things, and she didn't. She asked me If I got a female perspective and I said "Yes and I can prove it." I told her about my post on here, lol. I told her most of the female's on here wouldn't of been upset about it, and that they would of seen it as more of a turn on if anything. Unfortunately she was still convinced it was wrong. I let her know that I was merely calling to clear some things up, not to try and change her mind. She started to get really upset.

 

Then we kind of stopped talking about it and I said that I thought the idea of a break up would be the best thing. She seemed to agree and she said I should "Feel free to see other people." This hurt really bad... I asked her if she had started dating already and of course she said no. She said though she went to the movies with a good friend of hers from work (male) (1 other female friend cancelled) and she said she was worried she was going to run into me, because she didn't want me to get the wrong idea. It didn't bother me. Anyway I reiterated the break up and agreed we should be just friends, and that we can still talk and hang out. She liked the idea of being friends, and was happy I wasn't pissed off at her. We continued to have a great conversation for 50min and started talking as if we had put it behind us. Then I brought up the dating other people thing and asked her if she was serious. She said "Yea, why do you not want to see other people." I said "No I think seeing other people might be a good idea right now." She agreed, but I think it was kind of subtle.

 

To be honest I don't quite know if all of this has made me feel better. I mean I REALLY DON'T want to picture her dating other guys and it kills me just to think about it. I mean is being friends the right choice here? Did I make a mistake by not walking away completely? I also feel like I'm too afraid to date other people or move on because I'm afraid she may find out about it. I don't want to hurt her. You know I've heard a lot of people say once you go beyond the friend stage, there is no going back, is this true?

 

One thing in particular that made me feel good was when we said goodbye on the phone. I made a comment about how we wouldn't be saying goodnight anymore, and we shared a laugh. Then she said "Stop Laughing." I was like why? She said "Because I said so...". I said "You don't control me." She said "I still control you, you know..."(It was a flirty thing) For some reason that made me feel like she still cared. It's still nice to have that bit of hope despite everything that's happened.

 

Although I'm sad we're not together, I still hope we can make things work in the future. I just feel like she can never look at me the same way again, and that things may never go back to the way they were because she doesn't trust me. And I also hope I can handle being her friend, and get used to the fact that we aren't going to be spending as much time with eachother. This might be hard, but maybe right now we're better off friends. I guess who know's what the future holds, right?

 

I can't thank everyone enough for the great advice,

-Justin

[Selkie]

Originally posted by shadowsfall

The only problem is according to her Valentine's is a stupid holiday because she thinks you should be effectionate and caring all year round rather than overwhelmingly so on one day. We had discussed plans to go to a movie that day, obviously that's not going to happen anymore.

 

Anyway she's still wanting to give me my birthday present, and she said she would bring it by to me when she picks it up from the store. I just feel like things aren't entirely ended if she's still wanting to get me a bday present?? Maybe that's why I want to get her a Valentine's gift? I'm just so unsure of it though...

 

Look you're way better off without the high maintenance prudette.

[Selkie]

Originally posted by Weird

 

Like others said, she shouldn't have started blowing you if she wasnt going to finish. ...or she could have started givign you a handjob when you started rather than lay there pretending she is asleep.

 

Yeah don't guys consider teasing like that cruel and unusual punishment ?

[shadowsfall]

Look you're way better off without the high maintenance prudette.

 

Yea you're probably right. She was pretty high maintenance, but that didn't really bother me because I liked taking care of her and catering to her needs. What bothered me is that things seemed one sided, and she wasn't really catering to me as much as I would of liked her to.

 

Anyway, I find it interesting that she called me last night to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day...

 

What the hell is she thinking??

 

Justin

[Merin]

Originally posted by shadowsfall

Yea you're probably right. She was pretty high maintenance, but that didn't really bother me because I liked taking care of her and catering to her needs. What bothered me is that things seemed one sided, and she wasn't really catering to me as much as I would of liked her to.

 

Anyway, I find it interesting that she called me last night to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day...

 

What the hell is she thinking??

 

Justin

 

Justin,

 

Honestly when a relationship becomes one sided, that it's ONE person meeting the other persons needs and not getting anything back it hurts.. especially when you've been the one giving and having no returns. When you're into someone, it's natural to want to do things for them.. it makes them happy, so it makes you happy.. but IMO what hapened here is you were making her happy.. and for real mad props to you on that! BUT eventually instead of thinking you're an amazing person for doing those things for her she started to think you SHOULD do things for her and she took it for granted that you would.. she expected it know what I'm saying?

 

When you begin to EXPECT things that are done for you out of love,kindness.. from the person you're with, thats when problems will arise.. because the other person starts to feel used and not appreciated.

 

Her calling on Valentines day.. IMO she EXPECTED you to do something for her.. not that she was going to do something for you.. so she called to make HER feel better.. kind of test the waters if you will...

 

Justin you're such a sweetheart.. don't let ANYONE take advantage of you. If she cannot or will not appreciate you for the person you are and understand that you did things for her to make her feel happy and cared for AND return that to you.. then yeah.. got to move on.. in time she will have figured that out.

 

Merin~

[Feeling Lonely]

I apologise, i haven't read all of this thread just the first bit really!

 

I just wanna say . . . . . . WTF is she playing at????

 

AND, my boyfriend masturbated infront of me once and not only did i find it a huge turn-on, but when i went to give him a hand job a while later i followed the movements he had done and it was explosive . . . . . . . . . literally!

 

She shouldn't be angry at you, she should follow your lead. And she only went down on you for one minute? I bet if it was the other way round she'd have flipped at you!

[daphne]

oh my dear god. i've heard of some uptight women but damn your ex takes the cake.

 

unless you are leaving some details out such as you weren't masturbating but were molesting her, you didn't do anything wrong. you were frustrated. she left you hanging. she's allowed to do that but you're not hurting anyone and you are not violating her or yourself by masturbating.

 

dude, you seriously need to reevaluate if you want to be with someone who has such hair trigger reactions about something completely normal and healthy. now if she caught you on teh computer with your 500 pages of porn, i'd say she was right to be upset. but that's another post.

 

i think your girlfriend is a little out for control if you ask me. don't allow yourself to be humiliated.

[shadowsfall]

I've been trying to post a response for several days but have been having trouble with the site, so here it goes.

 

I do agree with you Merin. She started to take a lot of nice things I did for her for granted, and I kept wondering why I even bother. It was just really hard to leave after 3 years, but I've done a lot of reevaluating and I will no longer allow my self to be unappreciated or taken advantage of by anyone, even If she's all I know. I appreciate the kind words and support from you and everyone else during this difficult time. We continue to be friends and I still care a great deal for her. But I think for now the breakup is in out best interest.

 

We have been talking throughout the week and as I mentioned earlier she called and wished me Happy Valentine's day on Monday night. She called me again Wednesday and we had a 20min conversation about her taking her driving test next week. Then at the end she asked If I had started seeing anyone yet. I said that's none of her business, kind of joking. Then I asked if she had, and she said yea (sarcastically) and I said cool, very calmly. LOL, this kind of surprised her then she started laughing and said No and that I was gullible. <~ That question I know is something that means she's not entirely over me and having doubts about the breakup.

 

Anyway her and her mom got into a car accident yesterday (Thu) and apparently she was really shaken up. She called me like 30min after it happened and was crying, but I only spoke to her for like 2min. She called me back an hour later and sounded even more shaken up and she said she might have to go to the hospital. I feel really bad for her. I haven't heard from her since yesterday and I'm growing concerned. I don't know if their is something I should do for her in this situation or not? I'm just growing worried and I left her a message earlier today but have yet to hear back from her...??

 

-Justin

[Tonia2]

manipulative, immature, uptight twat. You are definitley best out of that. I can also endorse that seeing my bf having a wank is a massive turn on.

[CurlyIam]

Justin,

 

Call a few of your common friends and drop by to see how she's feeling. Even if she's not physically hurt, an accident has the power to remind us how fragile we actually are and how short live can actually be.

 

So emotionally she can be, as you said, a wreck.

 

 

Since you're a FRIEND to her, and you cere about her - together of not, I think that now it's a good time to stop playing games. Don't talk about dating, other people and hanging out. She's a person whom you care deeply about and right now she may need your help. That should come first.

 

 

Of course, maybe it's not that bad and she's using this to manipulate you. Call before going to ask her mom if visiting her would be apropriate (accompanied, of course).

 

Anyway, that's how I see it.

 

Good luck, Justin

 

Curly