To Forgive Is To Suffer!

[shadowsfall]

About 3months ago my girlfriend of 3years and I decided to get back together after a break. It is now February 8th and we are once again broken up. I posted this on here back in late December and got an overwhelming amount of support from people so I was hoping I can got some now. Here's the story...

 

Back on December 28th I did something that basically all guys do. Masturbate. Now this may not be a shock to anyone here, but I did it with my girlfriend asleep next to me. Before she fell asleep we had been fooling around, it had been about 3months since we'd had any intimacy up to this point. We we're going to have sex but I couldn't find any condoms in the spot I keep them in because I was in such a rush, however the next day they were right there. Anyway after the no go on sex, she felt bad and started to go down on me. This lasted for about a minute and then she put her head down on my chest and got tired. I jokingly said "Ok let's go to sleep." Not surprising she took it seriously and ended up falling asleep. I didn't say anything to her about it although I was very frustrated. So after about 10minutes of sleep I decide to take matters into my own hands, and finish what she started. So I'm doing my thing, and when I'm done I get up to take a shower. I come back in about 2minutes and she's awake putting her clothes back on. I could tell something was wrong, and confronted her and she wouldn't tell me.

 

The next day I find out she had been awake through half of it!!! She told me she felt violated and like she could never sleep next to me anymore. Anyway this was a little over a month ago, and it took her about a week to "somewhat get over it." She cracked jokes at me about it and I thought we were doing good for a while, until recently. The last 2 weeks, we have been hanging out less, (never in my room), she hasn't been initiating any contact with me, and would get very easily irritated with things I do. She's not one to comunicate her thoughts, so I eventually found out yesterday, (my birthday by the way) that she can't get over this. THAT EVERYTIME SHE LOOKS AT ME SHE THINKS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED! She said she wants to get over it, but that she can't seem to. This hurt me like ****. I apologized like crazy again for this whole thing.

 

The next thing I found out is that she had been talking to her MOM, and best friend about this. And from what I heard they all agree with her that it's disgusting and I should of never ever done anything like that next to her. How embarassing is it, that her mom knows about this. Her mom and I are very close, I'm like her son. Now I'm totally screwed of ever gaining her mom's trust or support in the future probably.

 

So everyone she has told has been female right? But what would a male say? IT sucks because it seems like her friend (who's a virgin btw), and her mom (who is her mom) are influencing her in thinking that there is something majorly wrong here. Anyway we broke up today and I can't help but think that IF I would of found those condoms that night this would of never happened, and I hold myself completely responsible for her leaving me. MY questions are do you think this is a valid reason to leave somebody after 3 years? Will she get over something like this? Did I do anything wrong by what I did, and should I blame myself for the breakup, or feel embarassed? And Do you think I should send her an apology for Valentines Day? I love this girl more than anything in the world but this is like our 4th breakup after all this time, and I just can't get around the fact that this could of all been prevented... I feel like crap... and like I'm a sicko or something. Any kind words or support would be greatly appreciated right now.

 

Thank you,

Justin

[Tiger-Lily]

Well, I'm a girl and I don't see anything wrong with what you did. I think that she is taking things way out of proportion and making you feel bad about something so natural. Big deal if you pleasured yourself. Most if not everyone does it.

 

I think that she was looking for a reason to leave the relationship and I don't think you should be beating up yourself for your actions.

 

Yes you can send a Valentines Gift and an apology and hopefully she would come to her senses.

 

Good Luck!

[SadAndLonely]

Well, I just hope she also told her mom how she went down on you for a bit. I mean, if you're going to tell your mom something, you should include everything, otherwise it's pretty hypocritical. I think you should let he go if she can't get over it. Very few people in this world don't masturbate, and there's nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself.

[shadowsfall]

Yes I too agree that I feel I did nothing wrong. However, I think the biggest mistake I made was apologizing for it and apologizing way to often. I just wanted to show her I respected her feelings about the situation. I really wish she could understand that it's something everyone does, and it's totally natural act. One of the biggest problems in this relationship in the last year has been her lack of interest in sexual intimacy. I did my best to respect her wishes there. My concern with sending a Valentine's gift stems from the fact that I'm not convinced 100% that I really did something wrong. Normally I woulld take the blame and suck it up for the good of the relationship, but I'm not entirely convinced I'm at fault here. Also I'm not sure if that will make me look desperate or considerate? What do you think?

 

As far as telling her mom the whole story, I have no idea how she manipulated it. But I'm almost certain the details were altered somehow. I doubt she would ever fill her mom in on anything BAD she's doing. But that remains to be proven. That's a good point though.

 

It's mindblowing that she decided we couldn't get through this together...

 

Thank you for your insight

[Tiger-Lily]

The thing with sending a Valentines Gift is not about guilt. It shows that you still care and remembered a very important date that most girls look forward too.

 

If she reacts badly when she receives the gift then you know it is time to move on.

[shadowsfall]

The only problem is according to her Valentine's is a stupid holiday because she thinks you should be effectionate and caring all year round rather than overwhelmingly so on one day. We had discussed plans to go to a movie that day, obviously that's not going to happen anymore.

 

Anyway she's still wanting to give me my birthday present, and she said she would bring it by to me when she picks it up from the store. I just feel like things aren't entirely ended if she's still wanting to get me a bday present?? Maybe that's why I want to get her a Valentine's gift? I'm just so unsure of it though...

[sweet-oooh]

you shouldnt be made to feel guilty about this! Its a perfectly natural act and i dont think you have anything to feel ashamed of.

Sounds like shes had a problem with sex for a while though.

As far as the valentines thing, i wouldnt bother, she owes you an apology for humiliating you in front of her mum.

toughen up a bit and stop saying you're sorry! you havnt done anything wrong. quite a few of us on here are females, let her read these replys LOL.

[Devildog]

I guess the only thing I can see that you did wrong was doing that in bed with her. I would have gone to the bathroom myself.

 

She feels guilty for not finishing what she started. And the fact that she knows you "took matters into your own hands" makes her feel even more guilt. So rather than face the guilt, she is making you feel guilty.

 

My STBXW used to get mad at me when I would take matters into my own hands as well when she was constantly rejecting me. It made her feel guilty.

 

For future reference, just remember, LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!!

[heya]

Omg..you did nothing even close to wrong..

 

your better of without her..you need somone who is understanding and mature.I have a bf.He masterbates infront of me. i have no problem why should i? its natural.You need a Cool girlfriend. She is not. Shes making yooh like bad..when its her immaturity.

[Merin]

Justin, Listen..

 

First, masturbation is normal and it is healthy..

 

I agree with DevilDog that yeah.. Location choices could've been better, however, is this a good or valid reason to end a 3 year relationship over.. IMO no it isn't.

 

Honestly if your girl was tired all okay and good to go.. however instead of going ahead and starting something that IMO she really didn't intend to finish, she should have told you "Ya know what babe, it's all okay.. you can't find the condoms and actually I'm pretty tired" because obviously that didn't happen again it's my opinion that when she figured out what you were doing next to her, IF it bothered her so much then why after 3 damn years together didn't SHE feel comfortable enough to say ANYTHING to you THEN?! Even if it was to make you aware that she was awake.. for real.

 

Next thing.. she told her Mom and her Friends see Justin, as far as I'm concerned if she wants to know what feeling betrayed and violated is all about then yeah.. how would she feel if YOU told your family and friends something personal about her.. what SHE did here ISN'T okay. Regardless IF she feels/felt that you masturbating was okay or not, you didn't go out of your way to embarass her or make her feel bad.. as far as you knew she was asleep.

 

At this point Justin, I would really question what her motives are/were in telling her family and friends about this.. and I'm going to say as well that her Moms reaction to the "news" hmmmm.. could be a good indicator as to where your girl gets her ideas of whats "Okay" sexually speaking and what isn't.. know what I mean?

 

DON'T send her an apology Justin.. you've already said your sorry for not making the best choice in location/timing whatever.. and as far as I'm concerned she owes you an apology for violating YOUR trust in HER when she decided this was 411 her Mom and GF needed to have.

 

She needs to grow up and get a grip here.. IF she couldn't talk to you about what wasn't "okay" for her that night.. then why in the hell is it she is so able to freely tell her Mother and Girlfriends about it...

 

IF you feel you need to do anything here.. then talk to her face to face.. you can tell her again that you're sorry for the location (not for masturbating) and sorry IF it made her feel badly.. but that it wasn't your intention and you had hoped after 3 years together she would have felt comfortable to have let you know this wasn't okay for her.. AND I would mention to her as well, that you feel your trust in her has been violated in her blabbing this to her Mom and GF's.

 

Good Luck

[DinNJ]

She needs to grow up and get a grip here

 

he had the grip... and now it's out of his hands....

[Merin]

Originally posted by DinNJ

She needs to grow up and get a grip here

 

he had the grip... and now it's out of his hands....

 

 

They were together for 3 damn years.. he didn't committ a big henious crime here, all okay IF she wasn't about it, BUT yeah.. you'd think that after 3 years together, she obvioulsy feels comfortable enough to go down on him, all set with getting naked in front of him.. pretty sweet with having sex with him, yet somehow she couldn't find her voice to ask him or tell him that this made her feel uncomfortable.. but was able to tell her MOM and her FRIENDS that she thought this was un-set...

 

Yeah.. location could've been better.. but it's still my opinion that this shouldn't have been a deal breaker.. he did say he was sorry etc.. what else should he have done after the fact you know?!

[DinNJ]

but was able to tell her MOM and her FRIENDS that she thought this was un-set...

 

ewww... personally, I could never face the mother again.

 

Yeah.. location could've been better..

 

Like in the shower with some shampoo or a bar of soap??? yea, I agree...

Maybe she took it as an insult??? Maybe she was lookin' for a way out... either way, it was pretty disrespectful for her to tell her mother and friends. She DOES need to grow up... and he needs to give her space.... walk away and give her time to realize it WASN'T that big of a deal. She's being foolish.

[sweet-oooh]

Hey, forget her, she has showed you no respect whatsoever!

My boyfriend masterbates all the time LOL!

 

Id much rather he did that than went elsewhere when im not around!

 

Her and her family are winding you up, and you're letting them.

[tattoomytoe]

i wish my BF would masterbate in front of me... i really think it is totally HOT!!! not abnormal in the least.

[tiki]

I'd dump her for the fact that she let her mommy in on some INTIMATE things that went on between the two of you...like WTF?!

[sweet-oooh]

LOL tattoomytoe,

 

U are sooo right!

there is nothing sexier than that eh?

[mozartina]

i do'nt think this is about valentines day here...i mean c'mon. She needs to grow up and realize that every man under the sun and 99% of females masturbate and if anything else, it's a sign that you're in touch with yourself sexually and she should think this is a benefit! I mean really, I'm a woman and I think instead of finding fault with it, since she was awake anyway, she should have used it as a turn on and participated! I"d move on if you can. easier said than done i know, but i certianly wouldn't apologize. it sounds like yhou may need to hash this one out but i'd first find out what made her feel so viloated to begin with.....just a thought. I'd sooner feel violated if you were getting turned on by something/someone else...but the truth is, she was right next to you! I don't get it.

[shadowsfall]

Yes, I'm just as shocked as most of you on here that someone I trusted more than anyone is leaving me due to these circumstances. The problem is the more I go along in the relationship the more I see that she's a very immature girl, and there's really no way she's going to change. My biggest regret here is that I apologized for masturbating. I bet if I had reacted like it was no big deal to masturbate, rather than confirm her thoughts on it, maybe she would of looked at it from my perspective. I MEAN C'MON WE'VE HAD PHONE SEX BEFORE! Did she mind masturbating then? NO she was too busy being "perverted" herself! But Did I bring that incident up? No. And she told her mom? I don't know why I didn't give her a piece of my mind for doing that. I Definately should of told her it was disrespectful to tell her mom. And I wouldn't be surprised if she left out the part of her doing anything to me. I don't know if she's masking her own guilt for not finishing what she started, (like everyone said) or if she just really wants out of the relationship and is using this as an excuse to do that, and make me feel bad at the same time.

 

The hard truth here is that I already blew my chances at trying to tell her these things because I don't think we're really going to talk anymore. Their is so much from what you all have said that I wish I could tell her now. She's supposed to bring my bday present by sometime but I don't know when. And I know she doesn't want to talk about this, because it seems she has a history of avoiding problems. I REALLY wish she could read what you all took the time to write on here, but she would probably have a problem with that too. I know everyone has probably agreed I should enforce the NC strategy. But I just really feel like I need another chance to speak my mind. But I mean I can't just do a complete 360 and just unapologize for it now, can I? I can't tell her I'm not sorry for masturbating after I already apologized?

 

Also recently she got a tattoo, and I think that may have changed her somehow. She seems to have a lot more "confidence" because of it, I'm wondering if that may play a part in this, I don't know? And I feel like **** that she's probably going to be asked by a ton of guys to see it!!! I don't want to imagine her with another guy.

 

I don't know, at work today I just thought about how good it feels to leave all the drama and b.s. behind, but I still wish I would of just took it in the bathroom.

 

Thank you for taking the time to help me, I welcome any more advice...

 

Justin

[Merin]

Justin, while you can't go back in time you can STILL tell her how you feel..

 

IF you still wish to speak with her then you should.. If only to clear up what happend.

 

Tell her that you ARE sorry for not taking it to another room that in your mind the 2 of you had a good relationship and you didn't know this is something that wouldn't be okay with her.. so if it offended her, you apologize for the location, but not for the act itself.

 

Ask her how it would make her feel IF you had told her Mom, Your Mom, her Friends or yours about the 2 of you having phone sex and her participation in that.. I'm 100% sure she wouldn't have thought that was okay.. so yeah.

 

The tattoo.. I have a tattoo.. a lot of people have tattoo's.. in my mind this isn't what the deal breaker was/is in the relationship.. could be that she has other issues, the 2 of you had broke up before right? So yeah.. there is obviously some things not going great with the 2 of you from before.

 

Who knows how things will turn out Justin.. I hope for whatever makes you happy.. just think about this a lot, and think if having someone in your life that would humiliate you the way she did by giving her Mom and Friends the 411 on what happend is really someone you want in your life.

 

Merin~

[shadowsfall]

I do really want to talk to her and tell her some of the things you and everyone else have been saying, but I know if I call her up right now she'll get upset and irritated with me. And I also know she won't come face to face with me and talk about this because she already told me, so I'm stuck with the phone I guess. I mean I don't know, it's only been a day or so, should I wait a little longer to call her?

[Merin]

Originally posted by shadowsfall

I do really want to talk to her and tell her some of the things you and everyone else have been saying, but I know if I call her up right now she'll get upset and irritated with me. And I also know she won't come face to face with me and talk about this because she already told me, so I'm stuck with the phone I guess. I mean I don't know, it's only been a day or so, should I wait a little longer to call her?

 

My advice.. DON'T talk to her about this on the phone.

 

IF she isn't willing to talk to you about this face to face Justin.. then for real, what is there to salvage here? After 3 years if she can't give you 30 damn minutes out of her life to be heard, then you know.. probably best to go your own ways.

 

IF the face to face talk isn't going to happen.. and you REALLY FEEL you need to tell her how you're feeling to be okay and be able to move on.. then write her a letter and give it to her if or when she brings your Bday present over..

 

Crap! LOL I have no idea when your Bday is Justin.. but Happy Birthday, and If I could get you something, it would be a real Girlfriend who doesn't tell her Mom about the sexual aspects and personal details of your relationship.. sorry.. :Merin wonders if I could get Justin one of those at the mall :

 

Hang in there Justin

[shadowsfall]

Yes I agree with you, I don't think the phone venting thing has ever proven to work. Maybe I should just call her and ask if she is willing to discuss things in person. I fear I already know the answer though. I mean seriously, 3years and she can't spare 15min to hear me out?

 

I think a letter is a great idea. I've used it in the past and it's worked great, however my bday was last Monday and I've yet to receive the present she got for me, so I don't know If I'll ever get the chance to give it to her. I could mail it, but I think waiting until she comes by is a better idea.

 

And by the way, that was the nicest thing I've heard in a while from a female. I was beginning to think that their may not be very many nice ones left. So I appreciate that!

 

Justin

[Merin]

Originally posted by shadowsfall

Yes I agree with you, I don't think the phone venting thing has ever proven to work. Maybe I should just call her and ask if she is willing to discuss things in person. I fear I already know the answer though. I mean seriously, 3years and she can't spare 15min to hear me out?

 

I think a letter is a great idea. I've used it in the past and it's worked great, however my bday was last Monday and I've yet to receive the present she got for me, so I don't know If I'll ever get the chance to give it to her. I could mail it, but I think waiting until she comes by is a better idea.

 

And by the way, that was the nicest thing I've heard in a while from a female. I was beginning to think that their may not be very many nice ones left. So I appreciate that!

 

Justin

 

You're welcome

 

Let us know how things turn out.. and don't take any lame sh*t okay!?

[Thinkalot]

Hi There.

I do remember your initial post about this, and reading this thread of yours made me feel sad. It's too bad she reacted the way she did.

 

Like the others have told you...SHE is the one with a problem! She needs to do a lot of growing up yet, and it's just a real shame that a nice fellow like yourself has ended up going through all this pain and turmoil over this.

 

Now, I guess you can send a Valentines Day gift if you want to. As a gesture of kindess I suppose. What would you be hoping to achiev, considering it seems you two are now parting ways? Do you hope she will come around?

 

As for telling her your feelings and your annoyance at her disrespectful actions, well I also think a letter is a good idea. She probably want see it your way anyway, but at least you'll be able to get this off your chest, and wont move on thinking about things you wish you'd said. Perhaps some more closure there I suppose.

 

And finally, do not go beating yourself up thinking you did anything wrong! It wasn't terrible at all. Some may say you should have gone to the bathroom. But you didn't. Big deal. IN an open loving adult relationship that would be discussed, and as some of the other ladies on here have said, may even be seen as a turn on!

 

Let us know how you get on.

 

Hang in there Justin.