The frustration of friendzoning myself.

[Lucygolds]

I, a married woman fell for a married man. I knew him for at least two years before we crossed the line physically. Honestly, looking back, the line was crossed the second we developed feelings for each other. I never intended to have an A. I denied my feelings and said we were just friends. He only looked at me as a friend. Then a relationship started and we were talking outside of the gym and the sex......we feel in love. His W found out, my H found out and now life is a mess and my lover and I had to walk away from one another. It hurts worse than any end to a relationship has ever hurt. We have families and have to try and do what is best for them. If you can, walk away now. The pain will be less.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Probably you are in tune with the behaviors that would clue others in to your feelings so you are able to check those behaviors in yourself before you do them. Thus, no one ever knows. Generally men don't do this successfully, imho. Possibly, then, this woman in question truly doesn't realize your feelings if you are able to keep your feelings/behaviors under wraps.

I've said some fairly flirtatious things to her, lots of compliments about her blonde hair and how blue her eyes are. I've made a few emotional statements about how much she means to me, how she makes me happy, not the typical things you say to a co-worker. She gets a little puffy-eyed and her lip quivers but she never reveals anything. It could be she is checking her behaviors?

I do really like your posts but am involved in an R now so not trying to get anything else started.

GOOD GRIEF! Now even you are friendzoning me from across the world somewhere!!!

Seriously Hon, I don't even want to know where you are located. I was just joking on that earlier post.

I'm tickled to death you like my writing but I hope you are as happy as can be in your relationship. See my post number 18 on this thread to remind yourself you are safe.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

I, a married woman fell for a married man. I knew him for at least two years before we crossed the line physically. Honestly, looking back, the line was crossed the second we developed feelings for each other. I never intended to have an A. I denied my feelings and said we were just friends. He only looked at me as a friend. Then a relationship started and we were talking outside of the gym and the sex......we feel in love. His W found out, my H found out and now life is a mess and my lover and I had to walk away from one another. It hurts worse than any end to a relationship has ever hurt. We have families and have to try and do what is best for them. If you can, walk away now. The pain will be less.

 

I think you are right A's are always a mess and hurt more people than just the two main players.

 

I think here I should clarify what I'm wanting or rather what all of these great posts have helped me clarify in my own mind.

 

I know better than to have an affair, I hope I'm strong enough to avoid it. As one of you pointed out, if she pours herself into my arms, I doubt I'd have the will to turn her away.

 

Ideally - I'd like to loosen the hold she has on my mind. Stop obsessing about her and keep a friendly but bounded work relationship.

easier said than done, from past history I know my mind likes the feeling of being obsessed, it likes to get down and ride in that well-worn groove.

 

Failing that, if I was directing the movie of my life I'd like the scene to be for her (not me) to acknowledge there's something going on, then we could both rationally admit we care for each other but agree we have to keep it platonic for the sake of everyone involved. Getting that scene to come together instead of some awkward mess where I try to kiss her, or some third party asks how long we've been together or I blurt out how I'm in love with her... I wish Scorcese was directing not fate.

[Popsicle]

I've been growing closer to a married co-worker. Might be considered an emotional affair (that's sort of a new concept on me ?).

 

Anyway, I know better than to get physically involved with her.

I enjoy being her friend and being close and doing all the fun and cutesy things we do together (like we make the office coffee together). It's even moved to some outside of work contact.

 

The difficult part is dealing with my own feelings of wanting her. I'm feeling the all too familiar frustration for me of being friendzoned. I don't think she means to do that on purpose because I don't think she ever even thinks of me in that way.

 

I can't turn-up the heat because I don't want it to become something more than friendship despite my feelings and I certainly don't want to tell her how I feel and wreck the friendship. How can I continue but not drive myself crazy?

 

 

Well, this is where I am with my MM. It is proving hard enough but I can't even imagine having to work with him and see him daily. I think you should start distancing yourself little by little. This will help you emotionally as well. You can start by spending less and less time hanging out with her. Do it little by little. Are you married as well? (is she married for that matter?) If you are single, you can also start dating other people to fill the void.

[2sunny]

I appreciate your warnings, I've been through that before and it happened just as you both described. I thought we were just friends, the next thing I know we were making out after work.

 

The thing that is different with this woman is I Don't sense any "sexual tension " on her part. On that level she seems quite oblivious to me. I don't receive side-long glances. Our eyes never meet. She can walk in the room where I am, never look at me, never acknowledge my presence, grab a stack of papers and off again like I'm furniture.

 

I remember a former co-worker who was quite smitten with me. I would talk with her, sometimes deep conversations and sometimes we would do something outside of work. I was already pretty close to her before I realized she wanted to be more than friends. We were both single but for the life of me I just couldn't find myself physically attracted to her despite our close friendship and conversational chemistry. Actually I found her a little repulsive. I doubt I could have performed even if she had thrown herself at me.

 

I think something similar could be going on here. My guess is my married friend has grown closer to me emotionally but is so un-attracted to me she doesn't even fathom me as a sexual being and that plus her commitment to her marriage has caused her to miss the clues that I'm crazy for her.

 

I've tried ignoring her all day but at some point actual work matters will start a conversation and next thing I know we a laughing and joking. Our office is a small work-team of a dozen people. There's no avoiding her. I've got to get past this somehow?

 

Start NOW - searching for a SINGLE gal to date! That will take your mind and focus off of the married woman.

 

You have developed a pattern of being interested in married women - do contrary action and start actively dating single women until you find someone compatible.

 

Keep your distance from the married gal - physically and emotionally - yes, you are capable of minimal contact and conversations. Answer any questions with ONLY yes or no.

[fellini]

fellini,

I must apologize. I have read your post over several times and I can't grasp what you are getting at?

 

I will tell you I don't really care for the term limerance. It's not recognized in the DSM and I think it's a needlessly complicated term for a concept we've had for centuries.

 

Namely "romantic love", infatuation or simply a crush.

 

However, I have seen Eternal Sunshine several times but I think it backs up what I am saying.

You see the two main characters first drawn together by the lure of romantic exhilaration but after some months the thrill wears away and they find there are more things they don't like about each other than they do like.

In fact they found even the memory of the experience so unappealing they opt to have their memories erased.

There are many posts here by people that would like to have that same option. How do I get over...

Well, of course there are opinions and interpretations. I think you selected out from the film the tiniest of plot, and none of the point. Yes they did that, but if you also take into account the ENTIRE argument of the film, it offers us three things to consider:

 

1. Getting over someone is not the same thing as removing all the memories. Because the happy memories are valuable, and we don't want to lose them. This is what Joel realises when he decides he doesnt want to finish the proceedure, that HE WAS HAPPIEST even when he thought she had faults he couldn't stand. He realises its not just that SHE makes HIM feel happy, HE IS HAPPY.

 

2. That even if you remove an entire relationship from someone's head, their bodies still collide and return and start again. We see this THREE TIMES in the movie: Mary takes a call and is adamant to an invisible client: "Im sorry, we do not do the proceedure more than three times on anyone, it's too dangerous." (OBviously people continue to repeat the same mistakes-suggesting maybe they are not mistakes, its who we are) then again, Mary the secretary has no idea that the feelings she is having for her boss have already been removed. So it's pointless to try to avoid something that continues to happen. The same with Joel. He meets her again, and again they take up a relationship. (This is also the theme of another excellent film, The Adjustment Bureau)

 

3. I disagree with your interpretation about how things are left. IN the film we are given the chance to see the second time Joel and Clementine create anew their relationship, they are writing a new map of love. And this map includes knowing which were their mistakes, their feelings, their abuse of their love from the beginning. YOu seem to think that they were not destined for each other because they screwed up the first time.

 

But the film shows us only that they are destined to be together, and now have a chance to make it better, because LOVE is NOT only about WHAT thoughts and feelings you have in your head about another person, but about the intimacy on so many levels that you have had, that get hard coded into our bodies and minds - none of this happens in limerence, because in limmerance (or infatuation if you like), it's all future-faking about future-f--king, whereas in love its real: its flesh meeting flesh, and the smells, and the tastes and the sounds and the all this intimacy happinging while chemicals are being created in the brain. It's no wonder limerence lasts LONGER than romantic love, because the brain FEEDS the limerence, not the other person.

Even this forum is feeding your brain about your obsession with this young woman.

 

Ask yourself something: If tomorrow she (god forbid not) came into work with a visible defect, something so shocking that it would be difficult to look at her: would you feel pity, sadness, and stronger emotional attraction? or would you say hi, turn away and get on with your day and tell yourself that that was a close call, you almost got involved with her... and the magic swiftly disappears into oblivion....

Edited May 19, 2014 by fellini

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

If you are single, you can also start dating other people to fill the void.

Start NOW - searching for a SINGLE gal to date! That will take your mind and focus off of the married woman

 

Wouldn't that be cold, calculated and cruel!

I can see how I would write my OLD ad: "Single male looking for single female to help me overcome obsessive crush on married co-worker. "

 

I shudder to think that the reason someone was dating me was only to distract themselves from their feelings for someone else.

 

Someone asked earlier why I had given up on dating. This is why. when we have sunk so low as a society that we manipulate the emotions and feelings of others so that they can serve as pawns in our personal mental game. It's time to fold-up the board and put that game away.

 

If you are seeking any relationship to "fill a void" you are dooming both you and the other person to misery. You have to be happy within yourself. When you try to have someone else satisfy your needs you are bonding them into servitude to your emotions and no-one wants to be a slave.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Well, of course there are opinions and interpretations. I think you selected out from the film the tiniest of plot, and none of the point. Yes they did that, but if you also take into account the ENTIRE argument of the film, it offers us three things to consider:

 

1. Getting over someone is not the same thing as removing all the memories. Because the happy memories are valuable, and we don't want to lose them. This is what Joel realises when he decides he doesnt want to finish the proceedure, that HE WAS HAPPIEST even when he thought she had faults he couldn't stand. He realises its not just that SHE makes HIM feel happy, HE IS HAPPY.

 

2. That even if you remove an entire relationship from someone's head, their bodies still collide and return and start again. We see this THREE TIMES in the movie: Mary takes a call and is adamant to an invisible client: "Im sorry, we do not do the proceedure more than three times on anyone, it's too dangerous." (OBviously people continue to repeat the same mistakes-suggesting maybe they are not mistakes, its who we are) then again, Mary the secretary has no idea that the feelings she is having for her boss have already been removed. So it's pointless to try to avoid something that continues to happen. The same with Joel. He meets her again, and again they take up a relationship. (This is also the theme of another excellent film, The Adjustment Bureau)

 

3. I disagree with your interpretation about how things are left. IN the film we are given the chance to see the second time Joel and Clementine create anew their relationship, they are writing a new map of love. And this map includes knowing which were their mistakes, their feelings, their abuse of their love from the beginning. YOu seem to think that they were not destined for each other because they screwed up the first time.

 

But the film shows us only that they are destined to be together, and now have a chance to make it better, because LOVE is NOT only about WHAT thoughts and feelings you have in your head about another person, but about the intimacy on so many levels that you have had, that get hard coded into our bodies and minds - none of this happens in limerence, because in limmerance (or infatuation if you like), it's all future-faking about future-f--king, whereas in love its real: its flesh meeting flesh, and the smells, and the tastes and the sounds and the all this intimacy happinging while chemicals are being created in the brain. It's no wonder limerence lasts LONGER than romantic love, because the brain FEEDS the limerence, not the other person.

Even this forum is feeding your brain about your obsession with this young woman.

 

Ask yourself something: If tomorrow she (god forbid not) came into work with a visible defect, something so shocking that it would be difficult to look at her: would you feel pity, sadness, and stronger emotional attraction? or would you say hi, turn away and get on with your day and tell yourself that that was a close call, you almost got involved with her... and the magic swiftly disappears into oblivion....

 

fellini, I'm glad you posted again. I think I'm seeing your meaning now. You are delving into some interesting metaphysical ideas.

It's been some time since I saw the Eternal Sunshine. You remember many more of the details of the plot than I do.

 

For the particular woman in question I would still feel very close to her if she had something disfiguring happen to her, I care for her very much.

In other cases of a crush yes I know the feeling you mean where you would suddenly be turned off, but not this time.

 

In fact, I did have a less dramatic sort of experience that would have been a turn-off just last week.

One day last week the object of my affection smelled bad! I mean really stank. I don't know if she hadn't showered or crapped her panties or what but it was quite foul.

 

It should have been a turn-off but somehow those all too human failing made me feel closer to her. Perhaps humanized her.

 

For the record, I did try to ignore her today and not start any conversations.

[fellini]

fellini, I'm glad you posted again. I think I'm seeing your meaning now. You are delving into some interesting metaphysical ideas.

It's been some time since I saw the Eternal Sunshine. You remember many more of the details of the plot than I do.

 

For the particular woman in question I would still feel very close to her if she had something disfiguring happen to her, I care for her very much.

In other cases of a crush yes I know the feeling you mean where you would suddenly be turned off, but not this time.

 

In fact, I did have a less dramatic sort of experience that would have been a turn-off just last week.

One day last week the object of my affection smelled bad! I mean really stank. I don't know if she hadn't showered or crapped her panties or what but it was quite foul.

 

It should have been a turn-off but somehow those all too human failing made me feel closer to her. Perhaps humanized her.

 

For the record, I did try to ignore her today and not start any conversations.

(I just saw the film again for the third time two weeks ago, so it's fresh)

 

So there you go. That smell will form part of your map of her which in the future might expand, or disappear. This is past mere infatuation really.

[Owl]

I think that you're (deliberately?) making this far harder than it needs to be.

 

Bottom line...since she's in a committed relationship, you're doing nothing but wasting your time, energy, and focus by feeding your attraction to her.

 

It's that simple. You're attracted to her...and you feed that attraction by fantasizing about the 'could have beens', and by intentionally maintaining as much interaction as you can with her.

 

You can't have her.

 

Focus on that instead. And focus on doing your job, over being with her while you're at work.

 

And frankly...there's nothing wrong with going out on dates with other people while you're still "getting over" her. Be honest and up front with the people you're with..."I'm not looking for a relationship here, just wanting to have a good evening with you.".

[Popsicle]

I think that you're (deliberately?) making this far harder than it needs to be.

 

Bottom line...since she's in a committed relationship, you're doing nothing but wasting your time, energy, and focus by feeding your attraction to her.

 

It's that simple. You're attracted to her...and you feed that attraction by fantasizing about the 'could have beens', and by intentionally maintaining as much interaction as you can with her.

 

You can't have her.

 

Focus on that instead. And focus on doing your job, over being with her while you're at work.

 

And frankly...there's nothing wrong with going out on dates with other people while you're still "getting over" her. Be honest and up front with the people you're with..."I'm not looking for a relationship here, just wanting to have a good evening with you.".

 

Um, yes, totally. *nods*

 

Jeez, some people....SMH

[Lucygolds]

About a year ago I was trying to figure out if my exMOM had feelings for me. Did this MM really like me? Me a MW, was I really falling for another man, let alone one who was also married? I was on another site asking for advice and they all said walk away now! If you don't you will find yourself in a relationship with this man and one of your spouses chasing the op down. I ignored all the advice. ..... I felt as if it were ment to be it was our destiny to be with one another. Now I am in the worst pain of my life. I know saying walk away is easier said than done but please think of all the pain this can cause to so many.To be honest, if I had to do it over again I am not sure I would do it any different but I would rather not be in this pain.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

And frankly...there's nothing wrong with going out on dates with other people while you're still "getting over" her. Be honest and up front with the people you're with..."I'm not looking for a relationship here, just wanting to have a good evening with you.".

Frankly, there is something wrong! Why would you want to spend an evening with someone you have no interest in? Unless your goal is to seduce them for casual sex.

life is too short and my time is too precious to use up an evening in a shallow connection with a stranger.

 

Using other people in a utilitarian way to play a surrogate for your emotional needs and sexual desires is the whole problem with casual dating.

 

I'll concede the rest of your post about feeding the fantasy. Actually if you look at my original post that was the whole point I was getting at. How to deal with the thoughts "inside"my own mind.

 

The thread has gotten away from that and been more about should I or should I not get involved. Which I thought I made pretty clear that I know better?

 

In retrospect I think maybe I should have posted in a different section and simply said:

how do you get over being friendzoned if your friend is in a committed relationship and doesn't even realize you have feelings for them???

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

About a year ago I was trying to figure out if my exMOM had feelings for me. Did this MM really like me? Me a MW, was I really falling for another man, let alone one who was also married? I was on another site asking for advice and they all said walk away now! If you don't you will find yourself in a relationship with this man and one of your spouses chasing the op down. I ignored all the advice. ..... I felt as if it were ment to be it was our destiny to be with one another. Now I am in the worst pain of my life. I know saying walk away is easier said than done but please think of all the pain this can cause to so many.To be honest, if I had to do it over again I am not sure I would do it any different but I would rather not be in this pain.

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you are having Lucy.

In my case I'm not married or involved. My co-worker has already told her spouse she is moving out, she's waiting on an apartment to open in the building she wants. I think they have already caused enough pain for each other without me being a part of it.

[Owl]

Frankly, there is something wrong! Why would you want to spend an evening with someone you have no interest in? Unless your goal is to seduce them for casual sex.

life is too short and my time is too precious to use up an evening in a shallow connection with a stranger.

 

Using other people in a utilitarian way to play a surrogate for your emotional needs and sexual desires is the whole problem with casual dating.

 

I'll grant that if this is what you actually do...substitute your fantasy partner in their place while you're out on a date (or engaged in sex) with them...that is pretty disgusting.

 

But that's not what you're being told. Again, it's almost as if you deliberately miss the point here.

 

The point is to see that you CAN have a good time WITH THEM...and WITHOUT your fantasy partner.

 

No...don't put her face on their body...sheesh.

 

Go out and have a good time WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

 

Hope that makes a bit more sense to you.

 

 

I'll concede the rest of your post about feeding the fantasy. Actually if you look at my original post that was the whole point I was getting at. How to deal with the thoughts "inside"my own mind.

 

The thread has gotten away from that and been more about should I or should I not get involved. Which I thought I made pretty clear that I know better?

 

In retrospect I think maybe I should have posted in a different section and simply said:

how do you get over being friendzoned if your friend is in a committed relationship and doesn't even realize you have feelings for them???

 

You end the fantasy by ending the faux relationship you have with her. You stop feeding it by ending any interaction with her that gives it material to grow on in your mind.

 

You no longer LET yourself engage in that fantasy. You stop spending time with her...and you stop yourself from continuing down the path of focusing/obsessing on her when you find yourself doing so.

 

That's it.

 

Not rocket science.

 

It just doesn't seem as though that's the answer you want to hear.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Go out and have a good time WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

 

Hope that makes a bit more sense to you.

Only if you make the presumption that everyone feels and thinks the same as you do. I hate going out, I don't enjoy socializing. I prefer my quiet evenings at home. I don't even get interested in a woman till I have known her over a year or longer .

I'm sure for many people casual dating is a matter of course. Something they have done since high school and they think nothing of it. For me the handful of casual dates I've had were either mind-numbing and tedious or awkward drudgery.

That's it.

 

Not rocket science.

 

It just doesn't seem as though that's the answer you want to hear.

 

I think I got the answer I wanted back when I wrote

 

post #28 ..."all of these great posts have helped me clarify in my own mind."

 

But, I've never been one to shy away from a lively discussion so we are still here.

 

Your answer makes sense if there was only me fantasizing about this woman from afar, sneaking up to talk to her when she has an idle moment. But, I think you are oversimplifying it.

There is an actual friendship here and a close working-relationship both of which I would like to try and preserve.

[Owl]

Only if you make the presumption that everyone feels and thinks the same as you do. I hate going out, I don't enjoy socializing. I prefer my quiet evenings at home. I don't even get interested in a woman till I have known her over a year or longer .

I'm sure for many people casual dating is a matter of course. Something they have done since high school and they think nothing of it. For me the handful of casual dates I've had were either mind-numbing and tedious or awkward drudgery.

I think I got the answer I wanted back when I wrote

 

post #28 ..."all of these great posts have helped me clarify in my own mind."

 

But, I've never been one to shy away from a lively discussion so we are still here.

 

Here's a quote from a recently passed great soul...

 

"Each of us is more alike than we are unlike"

 

What are you...a martian? From another dimension?

 

No...I don't think so.

 

My "presumption" is that you're human. Guess what...I don't like going out either. A good evening for me is a spent with a book, or camped out in the woods somewhere miles away from the nearest human being.

 

Here's the conclusion I've come to.

 

You don't WANT to heal. You don't WANT to move on.

 

You want to feel bad for yourself for not getting what you wanted in the first place.

 

You don't want advice/support...you're looking for a pity party team to tell you that you were right to pursue this woman, and it's soooo sad that you didn't end up with her.

 

That's not how life works, son. Take it from a crusty old bird who's been around a bit.

 

Your answer makes sense if there was only me fantasizing about this woman from afar, sneaking up to talk to her when she has an idle moment. But, I think you are oversimplifying it.There is an actual friendship here and a close working-relationship both of which I would like to try and preserve.

 

I think you're (deliberately) over-complicating it. The 'friendship' was exceeded...superceded...when you started feeding your romantic fantasies of her.

 

You've been given tons of excellent advice by a number of posters.

 

It's simply not what you want to hear.

 

So...what are YOUR plans for resolving your problem? You came here for advice you don't want to take...so I'm curious what you intend to do instead?

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

So...what are YOUR plans for resolving your problem? ...so I'm curious what you intend to do instead?

You've asked this a number of times. You seem more interested in my future actions than I do!

I believe I answered you the first time back on post #16.

 

 

You don't want advice/support.

 

You've been given tons of excellent advice by a number of posters.

 

You came here for advice you don't want to take

I would hope I'm not naive enough to take advice from anonymous strangers on the internet! Especially when they don't know the people involved and when there are multiple details that haven't been covered, The difference in our ages, how many children we each have at home, how long has she been married. How many times have we both been divorced. Etc.etc.

 

I didn't post for advice, which you seem to be so angry that I'm not taking:(( but I do thank you for what seems to be genuine concern, if nothing else you have made the thread lively).

 

I posted because I find interesting discussions help me clarify my own thinking. I like bouncing ideas off of people and see what their thinking and experience has been.

I believe that's called dialectic ?

 

Plus given the delicate nature of the situation I didn't have anyone that I could really bring it up to. So, it's something of a catharsis.

 

I'm not sure how that constitutes a "pity party" I didn't think I was feeling sorry for myself or particularity sad? Maybe it came across that way?

 

 

That's not how life works, son. Take it from a crusty old bird who's been around a bit.

I'm probably crustier and older than you are. I'm up in my upper 50's. That's another note to those of you who think I'm going to bend her over the breakroom table. I'm not dead but I'm not full of the raging hormones of youth. Hopefully I can control my urges at this point in life?

 

 

So...what are YOUR plans for resolving your problem?

It's not something I really plan for. I take things day by day. I pray a lot and try to make sure my mind is clear. I haven't really changed what I wrote in post #16.

 

Meanwhile the dynamics are always changing. Did you see earlier where I said she was in the process of leaving her husband?

So who knows? In few months I may start a new thread about how long you should wait to date someone after their divorce or separation.

[Owl]

Well...whatever you choose...I wish good luck to you.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

A lot of these kind of posts just seem to peter out. You never find out the conclusion so I thought I would update this?

 

I wanted to thank all of you again who took the time to read my posts and comment on them.

 

Through the pressure of a gossipy co-worker my friend and I were forced to be upfront with each other.

 

To my surprise she said she did have strong feelings for me all along.

 

We've carried on a more heightened EA since then but I'm proud to say despite everyone's warnings we have never had a physical affair.

 

In the meantime she has finally moved into her own apartment and separated from her husband.

 

Now it's on to what's next?

 

I still have my confusion and insecurity over whether she is stringing me along romantically only to keep me as a friend and confidant. Or, do I need to be more patient with all the emotions she is dealing with.

I suppose that is a subject for a different thread?

[descend]

A lot of these kind of posts just seem to peter out. You never find out the conclusion so I thought I would update this?

 

I wanted to thank all of you again who took the time to read my posts and comment on them.

 

Through the pressure of a gossipy co-worker my friend and I were forced to be upfront with each other.

 

To my surprise she said she did have strong feelings for me all along.

 

We've carried on a more heightened EA since then but I'm proud to say despite everyone's warnings we have never had a physical affair.

 

In the meantime she has finally moved into her own apartment and separated from her husband.

 

Now it's on to what's next?

 

I still have my confusion and insecurity over whether she is stringing me along romantically only to keep me as a friend and confidant. Or, do I need to be more patient with all the emotions she is dealing with.

I suppose that is a subject for a different thread?

 

 

What's next?? I hope you post another thread, because it doesn't seem you followed some good advice that was given to you in this one.

 

 

Now that you have both acknowledged your mutual feelings, does this make you feel better? She is still married and not available to you. You can play pretend boyfriend and girlfriend at work, but I'm sure that will eventually wear on you when she goes home to her husband. Holidays are coming up, and she will be spending time with him, not you.

 

 

Everything you are doing will cause you pain, confusion, and heartache and all while sacrificing your job and both of your reputations. I'm dealing with these ramifications now. No bueno.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

I'm sure that will eventually wear on you when she goes home to her husband. Holidays are coming up, and she will be spending time with him, not you.

 

Maybe you didn't notice/understand where I said she has left her husband? I should add she has already seen a lawyer about arranging a divorce. Her husband doesn't spend any time with her now or rarely communicates with her (she thinks he has a girlfriend already). I seriously doubt she will be going home to him or be spending the holidays with him???

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you didn't notice/understand where I said she has left her husband? I should add she has already seen a lawyer about arranging a divorce. Her husband doesn't spend any time with her now or rarely communicates with her (she thinks he has a girlfriend already). I seriously doubt she will be going home to him or be spending the holidays with him???

 

Do they have kids to consider in all this? If they have kids, there's a pretty good chance Christmas will be spent together as a family, regardless of their separation.

 

Have you been to her new place? Are you sure they have separated or is this what she has just told you...Do you have actual proof?

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Do they have kids to consider in all this? If they have kids, there's a pretty good chance Christmas will be spent together as a family, regardless of their separation.

 

Have you been to her new place? Are you sure they have separated or is this what she has just told you...Do you have actual proof?

 

Yes, I've been to her place. Helped fix-up some small repairs for her.

There is a child but I don't think the husband spent the last holidays with them.

She has for a long time complained that he takes no interest in their lives.

Honestly I don't see why that is such an issue with you people?

I have my own extended family to spend the holidays with and so does she.

I don't think we would be getting together even if she were never married.