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Is it an emotional affair if the married person is clueless?

TalesoftheWireMonkey

By TalesoftheWireMonkey
in General Relationship Discussion

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TalesoftheWireMonkey Established Member

TalesoftheWireMonkey

Posted
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If the single person has a huge crush on the married person but the married person is so used to being married and never even considers other people as potential partners or thinks about cheating but continues to have deep intimate conversations that include revealing problems and frustrations in their marriage to the single friend(or coworker) is it still an EA?

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

Yes. That is pretty much how EAs start with people only realising they are in one after the event, eg when it becomes a PA or they get caught.

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SJS Established Member

SJS

Posted
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Holy run on sentence Batman... ;)

 

 

This is a grey area. I would think no at first, because the married person could just think of the singleton as a friend. And that's ok.

 

 

But to think of it in a personal manner, and picture my husband having a good single friend that heard all the details...I would not be comfortable with.

 

 

However, when I think of EA though, I think of something more along the lines of how a long distance relationship would work. Being emotionally vested, caring, sharing intimate details, acting like a couple but without the sex. BOTH parties.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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The married person can only control their own behavior. If they don't know that someone has a crush on them but are simply friendly they have done nothing wrong. If the married person figures out that the other person has a crush, kindness dictates putting some distance in the relationship to let the crush down gently but of course it's not an emotional affair. Every human interaction with someone not your spouse is not prohibited. Its only when the other extra-marital relationship takes precedence over the marriage that it is a problem.

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
The married person can only control their own behavior. If they don't know that someone has a crush on them but are simply friendly they have done nothing wrong. If the married person figures out that the other person has a crush, kindness dictates putting some distance in the relationship to let the crush down gently but of course it's not an emotional affair. Every human interaction with someone not your spouse is not prohibited. Its only when the other extra-marital relationship takes precedence over the marriage that it is a problem.

 

I agree with everything you say except for the final sentence. It does not have to take precedence before it becomes a problem.

 

To me, the problem in the OP's post is that the married person is revealing marriage problems and frustrations to someone outside and this shows a lack of boundaries. This is often done to sow affair seeds.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

It's not an EA, but it is crossing the lines of relationship privacy, IMO.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted
If the single person has a huge crush on the married person but the married person is so used to being married and never even considers other people as potential partners or thinks about cheating butcontinues to have deep intimate conversations that include revealing problems and frustrations in their marriage to the single friend(or coworker) is it still an EA?

 

 

No grey area. This is an EA and betrayal pure and simple.

 

Want to discuss deep intimate things about your marriage - see a counselor or join an anonymous support group - not opposite sex person you know and see all the time.... who has a crush on you.

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

If their spouse approves of the behavior, no affair :)

 

Inappropriate sharing of marital/relationship business doesn't have to be an affair; however, it can or does become one when it occurs with a person of one's sexual preference who is not one's spouse or lifetime partner. Hence, a gay man telling a close girlfriend his relationship 'business' might be inappropriate; if the same with another man, especially if the man is gay himself, problem area and potential affair territory. The best arbiter of the dynamic is the man's partner/spouse.

 

IME, very few people of legal mental capacity are clueless past the age of consent. Naive, sure, but not clueless. We know right from wrong and make choices.

RonaldS Established Member

RonaldS

Posted
Posted
Yes. That is pretty much how EAs start with people only realising they are in one after the event, eg when it becomes a PA or they get caught.

 

Uh, what?

 

The thing that defines an affair is intent. If a person is simply confiding personally with another person with no intent of it being anything more than just private conversations, how in the world is it an affair? Does anybody even know what an affair is anymore?

 

From reading things on this board, I'm beginning to think that for some people, even acknowledging that a person of the opposite sex exists in the world constitutes an affair.

 

Let's relax a little.

  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

Many do not going into an affair by thinking up front that they will have an affair. Many affairs start as EA with boundaries being blurred. This can include telling a potential OM or OW how there are problems in your marriage, things are not so good etc. this can actually happen without people thinking they have crossed a line until it is too late. There are plenty of examples on this site. A very good test of whether it is an EA or not is whether the spouse knows about the friendship, knows what is being discussed and is OK with that.

 

Conscious upfront intent is not required for it to be an affair. Bit by bit boundaries are chipped away until the more obvious ones are crossed and there is no denying it anymore. Also an affair does not have to be physical for it to be an affair.

RonaldS Established Member

RonaldS

Posted
Posted
Many do not going into an affair by thinking up front that they will have an affair. Many affairs start as EA with boundaries being blurred. This can include telling a potential OM or OW how there are problems in your marriage, things are not so good etc. this can actually happen without people thinking they have crossed a line until it is too late. There are plenty of examples on this site. A very good test of whether it is an EA or not is whether the spouse knows about the friendship, knows what is being discussed and is OK with that.

 

Conscious upfront intent is not required for it to be an affair. Bit by bit boundaries are chipped away until the more obvious ones are crossed and there is no denying it anymore. Also an affair does not have to be physical for it to be an affair.

 

Logical fallacy.

 

Just because some EAs start this way does not mean that all such interactions will result in an EA.

 

You are labeling an action as something it is not based on one possible outcome. What if the married person has these kinds of interactions with another person but has no intent and never crosses any sort of line? Still an EA? If so, how? Because it could potentially lead to that?

 

So, everybody who smokes a little weed is a coke or heroin addict? Come on.

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TalesoftheWireMonkey Established Member

TalesoftheWireMonkey

Posted
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Posted
Holy run on sentence Batman... ;)

Ha,ha wondered if anyone would notice that. I got carried away with the thought and had to type it as fast as possible.

beatcuff Established Member

beatcuff

Posted
Posted
Uh, what?

 

The thing that defines an affair is intent. If a person is simply confiding personally with another person with no intent of it being anything more than just private conversations, how in the world is it an affair? Does anybody even know what an affair is anymore?

 

From reading things on this board, I'm beginning to think that for some people, even acknowledging that a person of the opposite sex exists in the world constitutes an affair.

 

Let's relax a little.

 

i second, third and fourth this...

 

at times this board brings back the day of you sneeze and they assume you have the plague.

  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
Logical fallacy.

 

Just because some EAs start this way does not mean that all such interactions will result in an EA.

 

You are labeling an action as something it is not based on one possible outcome. What if the married person has these kinds of interactions with another person but has no intent and never crosses any sort of line? Still an EA? If so, how? Because it could potentially lead to that?

 

So, everybody who smokes a little weed is a coke or heroin addict? Come on.

 

As I said in my post, a good test is whether the spouse knows of the friendship. If they do and they are happy with it then not an EA. If they don't because it is not being disclosed (or is even being denied) or they do know and are unhappy about it then it is stepping into EA territory.

 

The point I was trying to make re intent is that people may cross boundaries without realising until afterwards, i.e. doing so without conscious intent to start a potential EA.

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