Relationship slowly being destroyed by outside influences

[UnderAttack2014]

Hi I really need some support. I was the OW for a short period of time before my MM left his wife, three weeks after we got together he walked out on his wife. He never loved his wife even in the early days just drifted into a marriage and children and had been deeply unhappy for 15 years. I don't excuse us getting together but I'd come out of a violent relationship and was really messed up and he was equally messed up. So we ended up talking at work and fell in love.

 

Fast forward nearly two years and we are still going strong, despite a lot of crap being chucked at us. We now have a beautiful son together who is just over a month old (who is being used as a free for all attack as "people" think it's too soon, simple thing is though if they asked is i had to go on to meds urgently and the doctors said if I wanted another child I needed to do it now before starting meds, it wasn't a snap decision we agonised over it for months), his divorce will be finalised next month and we are getting married at Christmas (alone without family/friends because of the issues )

 

What I am struggling with is the understandable anger of his daughter who is 12, she loves him and coming here and then flips the other way saying she hates him and won't be happy until she has split up up. A lot of it has been fuelled by the wife, so much so his daughter says some of the texts sent from her phone are the wife, but she certainly admits to a lot.

 

It's really got so bad at times that it's nearly broken us as a couple because of the stress with his children, from his wife, his parents and old friends despite us being ridiculously happy.

 

His daughter is currently in hate mode and when she is she doesn't want to see him ever again, we hope it will be short lived but while it occurs the wife refuses access to the son too who is 7 and loves to come and stay. It just seems never ending and not getting any better,just when we think it's getting better we're back to square one again.

 

We also have issues with his parents, who hate the wife and do adore me but every single time they see us all they talk about is his daughter and the wife. It was even the first thing they mentioned to me the day they came to visit the new baby for the first time. I was just floored of all the times I just wish they could have not made everything about the wife and the daughter they've only seen the baby once and don't ask after him it's always the daughter they talk about to my partner.

 

His mum although likes me is think she preferred it when he was with his wife, he used to spend every weekend at his parents with the kids because he didn't want to be around the wife, but now he is happy he doesn't want to visit nearly as often because he enjoys being at home and us doing family things all together.

 

He's lost all his friends, long term friends who even though they knew how desperately unhappy he was they won't forgive him for leaving his wife. He's really lost everything house, money, children the guilt really is overwhelming at times

 

It just seems that everyone seems to be critical of our relationship and not bothered about saying so. He tries to protect me from it as much as possible but I can feel his pain and his loss as to what to do to try and resolve things.

 

We really are ridiculously happy together, but then he will receive a nasty text or call and our bubble will be burst, he is worried I will leave him because of the stress and I couldn't possibly ever imagine that happening, I just want all this drama to stop and for us to be allowed to be happy

[sameoldthing]

"those who matter won't mind and those who mind won't matter"

 

cheesy old saying but one i believe. unfortunately conflict and stress will always follow a union like this but this is your burden to bear. had you met in a more 'conventional' method, even then you'd have your own stresses.

 

what i'm trying to say is you both ALREADY have something that is very hard to find ( a SOLID marriage that makes you both happy.) That in itself is an achievement. let the people talk, because no matter what you do, people will still talk. you have eachother, and as you said there is his daughter but i am sure as long as he makes the time and puts in energy to make sure she KNOWS she is loved and not a pawn in this, she will understand in time.

 

as for your in laws, as hard as it is, don't take it too personally. in the end, it is definitely hard on his daughter and so considering you and your child and husband are doing well, their concern will naturally be with the older daughter as she's finding it hard to get by.

 

my mother had a 10 year old child when her first husband left her. different scenario but it was very difficult on my half sister. she resented his new wife and who can blame her? the 'new wife' was the REASON why daddy left and unfortunately my mother perpetuated that. over time though and with MUCH effort from her father, it did work out.

 

in the end, what you have is precious. deal with all the stress as a unit, and i hope in time all will be well. remember again, sometimes its hard for other people to see others WIN in love

[harrybrown]

Put yourself in his daughter's shoes.

 

The adults have a big mess, but her world has had big changes. She is still very young. She is also in the middle of this. She hears the pain of her mother, probably many comments every day.

 

Her Dad is not around as much.

 

I am sorry that you are having this rough experience. I do hope for your baby's sake that you can make this work. Hopefully with time, the young girl will come to like her brother and be more accepting of the situation.

 

I do wish you well and hope that things will settle down soon.

[gettingstronger]

Honestly, pre-teen girls can be tricky no matter the circumstances-give them some fuel to their fire and it gets really crazy- I know of people that have been divorced for years and when the girls hit those pre-teen years they all of a sudden start pitting the parents against each other-

 

As far as friends go- your situation is messy- lots of times people don't want to be involved in messy-its not a judgement against your relationship but a desire to stay away from messy relationships-

 

A lot of what you describe is part of a new marriage compounded by the back story- my MIL loved me until I married her son then things changed, not sure why-but in time, they changed back again-

 

You have a lot going on but you need to focus on the new baby and helping the other children adapt as well-the rest can wait, it really can-

[Quiet Storm]

This is the aftermath of his choice to leave his marriage.

 

Some people stay in an unhappy marriage and sacrifice their happiness. Other people leave unhappy marriages and sacrifice their kid's happiness. Unfortunately, someone is going to end up hurt and unhappy. You two are "ridiculously happy"... how do you think that feels for a girl her age to see that? "Dad is just SOOOO happy without us". They don't have the emotional maturity yet to be glad for their parents happiness. What she sees is HIS HAPPINESS=HER SUFFERING.

 

It's not very common to have a divorce go smoothly with no negative effects. People say "the kids will be fine", but usually it is a huge adjustment and a big hit to their feelings of "contentment"- even in situations where the parents are emotionally mature and have the kids best interests at heart.

 

She is at an age where she likely feels abandoned by her father, and that his relationship with you was more important to him than her well being. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially if he was an involved dad. And on top of that, he is starting a new family with you. Her thoughts may be something like ..."Dad was so unhappy with us that he left us. Now he is just SO happy with his new woman & kid. He doesn't care how I feel. My feelings are a nuisance- an annoying reminder of his miserable life with us."

 

As for his parents mentioning the daughter... I don't think you are seeing things realistically. You want your relationship to be respected, and you want his family to be happy for you. I understand that, but I think it's very unrealistic to believe that will happen right now. You can't erase his past life. You can't erase the pain this relationship has caused. All you can do is develop a thick skin, and try not to care what they think. It's not just you and him in the love bubble anymore. So it's best to accept there will be problems, and deal with it the best you can.

[veritas lux mea]

This is why single parents are encouraged to transition after seperation for their children's and sonetimes their own sake. This little girl had her life blown apart and a new mom was forced on her at the same time. She sees her mother in pain and her dad happy with a new child born out of "love" on the way. What is done is done and only time will show if things will work out. She may never forgive her father and have severe Daddy issues. Or she may bounce back. For her I would encourage your husband to be loving but firm that nasty texts are not the way to handle your hurt. And get her into the school counselor asap. He should look at coparenting sessions with his ex and without accusing her of feeding the anger in the child talk to her about his concerns for their daughter. You need to learn to love his kids and be kind to them. That is all you can do as you have been forced on a preteen and she doesn't much appreciate it.

 

-the son. What has been set up with child custody? A parent cannot deny court ordered time. And so if the courts haven't been involved, involve them. Do not let her dictate when the son can come over. This is all for your husband. Too many men roll over instead of fighting for their rights. Get him to fight.

 

-the parents. You have a baby. The attention you want is for yourself and for some of your competitveness with the x. Let it go for a few years. Right now they are focusing on the child who needs the most love and attention.

 

I do hope things get better with time. But there is only so much you or your fiance can do. The choices that made the most impact and damage have already been done and now all you can do is try to get some order into your life. Have you apologized to the preteen? Has your husband apologize to those he has hurt? A genuine apology without a 'but' can often go a long ways.

[TigerLilly78]

It just seems that everyone seems to be critical of our relationship and not bothered about saying so. He tries to protect me from it as much as possible but I can feel his pain and his loss as to what to do to try and resolve things.

 

We really are ridiculously happy together, but then he will receive a nasty text or call and our bubble will be burst, he is worried I will leave him because of the stress and I couldn't possibly ever imagine that happening, I just want all this drama to stop and for us to be allowed to be happy

 

 

 

 

 

Even three weeks of cheating is still cheating its still wrong and a lot of people will not support a relationship that begun this way no matter how rosey and happy it seams now. It will always be tarnished by the way it begun that's just a fact of life. Also im sorry but I highly doubt he was "unhappy for 15 years" at some point it would have been a happy marriage.

 

 

OP I feel for you but you cant expect everyone to just accept how things went and be happy for you. As some one else said put yourself in the daughters place she's prob under a tremendous amount of stress from the entire situation.

 

 

Hopefully with time it will calm down my advice move to a different town or even state and completely start over. Make new mutual friends who don't know. And just deal with the family issues best one can the kids may never totally forgive him for how things went down sadly that's just how it is..

[Iguanna]

I don't agree with people who say that the OP and her partner deserve what they get. When a marriage is destroyed and a third person gets inside it it's always both parties' fault. The friends who don't accept this man's choices were not real friends from the start. The people who care will try to understand and will stay no matter what.

 

OP your partner's problem with his daughter is caused by his ex wife. She uses the kids to get revenge on him, that's too obvious. He has to take the responsibility and put and end to this by talking to his ex wife and to his daughter separately and after that to both of them together. He has to put his foot down cause they both have to learn that this is life. Nothing remains the same and life is unfair sometimes. He has to explain to his daughter that the fact that he left her mother doesn't mean he doesn't love her (his daughter) and care for her. He should make a room at your house so the kids can visit and feel welcome. OP in my opinion you should tell him that this is his problem to solve and he has to solve it fast and not let it ruin your family anymore. Give him some time to solve it. Don't get in the middle of this cause you will only lose. Try to stay calm and patient. And try not to care, I would add. You have a new baby to care about and it's more important than his ex wife's bitchy ways.

[BetrayedH]

These are all pretty normal and predictable consequences when you force families to blend. Not only did you have an affair with this girl's father (splitting up their family as far as she is concerned) but moved in together (did you say 3 weeks later?), got pregnant, and got engaged - all before her parents are even divorced. What the heck did you think would happen? Do you expect that she'd just accept that you're her new mom? Do you think a 12-yo cares about some excuse about medications?

 

I suggest you do some heavy-duty reading about blending families. So far, you're following the textbook about how to do everything the wrong way. All of your decisions sound like they are focused on what is best for the two of you. There's a third person involved here who has no control whatsoever and selfish people are making all of the decisions. She (and everyone else around you) has every right to judge when you're just being selfish and then crying, whoa is me.

Edited May 14, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Sub]

The friends who don't accept this man's choices were not real friends from the start. The people who care will try to understand and will stay no matter what.

 

I disagree with this. Given the circumstances, I can see how the friends would at the very least be skeptical and disappointed. They don't just have to accept everything he does. Real friends are honest with you and tell you when you're messing up, IMO. I agree that after a certain time some healing should occur, but this is a pretty rapid transition. I can see how it's all jolting to the people closest to him.

 

 

OP in my opinion you should tell him that this is his problem to solve and he has to solve it fast and not let it ruin your family anymore. Give him some time to solve it. Don't get in the middle of this cause you will only lose. Try to stay calm and patient. And try not to care, I would add.

I agree with this.

[veritas lux mea]

I don't agree with people who say that the OP and her partner deserve what they get. When a marriage is destroyed and a third person gets inside it it's always both parties' fault. The friends who don't accept this man's choices were not real friends from the start. The people who care will try to understand and will stay no matter what.

 

OP your partner's problem with his daughter is caused by his ex wife. She uses the kids to get revenge on him, that's too obvious. He has to take the responsibility and put and end to this by talking to his ex wife and to his daughter separately and after that to both of them together. He has to put his foot down cause they both have to learn that this is life. Nothing remains the same and life is unfair sometimes. He has to explain to his daughter that the fact that he left her mother doesn't mean he doesn't love her (his daughter) and care for her. He should make a room at your house so the kids can visit and feel welcome. OP in my opinion you should tell him that this is his problem to solve and he has to solve it fast and not let it ruin your family anymore. Give him some time to solve it. Don't get in the middle of this cause you will only lose. Try to stay calm and patient. And try not to care, I would add. You have a new baby to care about and it's more important than his ex wife's bitchy ways.

Nobody said she got what she deserved it is just some of us know actions have consequences good or bad. Any child expert can tell you he handled this all te wrong way. And as the OP has no influence into the ex's life the obly actions she can look at are her own or her H. Maybe the wife is poisining the daughter which is why I said he needs to talk to her and set up some boundaries as well as fight for his son. But let's be realistic here. His descision to end his marriage in three weeks, force a new mon on his child and then introduce a new baby all in such a short time period was unhealthy for everyone involved. Now what is done is done but the OP needs to stop blaming the wife for everything and get really honest with herself.

 

I know a divorced woman who got involved with a man who had an exit affair. His teenage daughters hated her and her daughter and made life unbearable for her daughter at school. The daughter in turn blamed her mom for exposing her to such a situation in the first place and left town to live full time with her dad. If the mom had not involved herself with a married man and had shown a little respect to her daughter their relationship would not have been destroyed. There is more to the story but neither the BW or the father had anything to do with why the situation went so wrong. I am saying this because children of that age don't need a parent influencing them in order to be angry and hurt. They can feel that all on their own. Mom may or may not be helping (OP doesn't know for sure the texts are from the ex or not, children lie). But I see that this child has just cause to be troubled. And she needs outside help ASAP.

[Quiet Storm]

Kids are people. They have their own minds. They have their own opinions.

 

I think it's blame shifting to say her reaction is the "crazy ex poisoning her mind". The girl knows her Dad left and sees him with his happy new family. Her mom is hurt. This is a trauma for her. Whether her mom is fueling the fire or giving her hugs and telling her it's going to be OK- it hurts.

 

Blaming it on the mom invalidates her feelings. Her father left the home and moved right in to a new family situation. She has a right to be angry. She feels abandoned. This is very normal, and it isn't because of her mother.

 

I see this time & time again on this board. This idea that kids are little programmable robots that would be A-OK with divorce if ex-wife would only cooperate. As if these kids would NEVER be angry at their father for turning their lives upside down, were it not for the ex-wife's pain. This idea that kids should be cool with divorce, because they want their parents to be happy (kids can't see past their own suffering). As a mother, I know it would be devastating to my kids if my husband left us. They would be confused, angry and hurt. Those feelings should be acknowledged and dealt with, and blaming their mother minimizes their pain, IMO. I don't think that's fair to the kids who are genuinely hurting and trying to adjust the best they can.

[notserene]

Kids are people. They have their own minds. They have their own opinions.

 

I think it's blame shifting to say her reaction is the "crazy ex poisoning her mind". The girl knows her Dad left and sees him with his happy new family. Her mom is hurt. This is a trauma for her. Whether her mom is fueling the fire or giving her hugs and telling her it's going to be OK- it hurts.

 

Blaming it on the mom invalidates her feelings. Her father left the home and moved right in to a new family situation. She has a right to be angry. She feels abandoned. This is very normal, and it isn't because of her mother.

 

I see this time & time again on this board. This idea that kids are little programmable robots that would be A-OK with divorce if ex-wife would only cooperate. As if these kids would NEVER be angry at their father for turning their lives upside down, were it not for the ex-wife's pain. This idea that kids should be cool with divorce, because they want their parents to be happy (kids can't see past their own suffering). As a mother, I know it would be devastating to my kids if my husband left us. They would be confused, angry and hurt. Those feelings should be acknowledged and dealt with, and blaming their mother minimizes their pain, IMO. I don't think that's fair to the kids who are genuinely hurting and trying to adjust the best they can.

 

Divorce is tough enough on a kid when it doesn't involve blowing up the marriage with an affair. My parents split up when I was 13 and I was angry for a long time. There was no infidelity, just long term incompatibility.

 

I think what's going on here is well within the realm of normal. This little girl is going to need a lot of help to regain equilibrium. It's going to be a bumpy ride no matter what happens.

 

I really wish adults would think harder about how their choices affect their children.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I don't agree with people who say that the OP and her partner deserve what they get. When a marriage is destroyed and a third person gets inside it it's always both parties' fault. The friends who don't accept this man's choices were not real friends from the start. The people who care will try to understand and will stay no matter what.

 

OP your partner's problem with his daughter is caused by his ex wife. She uses the kids to get revenge on him, that's too obvious. He has to take the responsibility and put and end to this by talking to his ex wife and to his daughter separately and after that to both of them together. He has to put his foot down cause they both have to learn that this is life. Nothing remains the same and life is unfair sometimes. He has to explain to his daughter that the fact that he left her mother doesn't mean he doesn't love her (his daughter) and care for her. He should make a room at your house so the kids can visit and feel welcome. OP in my opinion you should tell him that this is his problem to solve and he has to solve it fast and not let it ruin your family anymore. Give him some time to solve it. Don't get in the middle of this cause you will only lose. Try to stay calm and patient. And try not to care, I would add. You have a new baby to care about and it's more important than his ex wife's bitchy ways.

 

Ive been the daughter in exactly this situation...my anger, hurt, betrayal and abandonment was my own. I felt it. I lived it. It crushed me.

 

Kids take this on internally. Its in their nature. To suggest a mother WANTS to see her child hurt like this is ridiculous.

 

OP, go back and read and recread Quiet Storm and BetrayedH. They have the right of it. I know. Ive been there. My father left for OW when I was 9. It was handled all wrong and I hated them both until I was about 22. her father has FAILED her. And continues to do so...But hey...at least youre 'ridiculously happy' right?

Edited May 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Iguanna]

It's the responsibility of OP's partner and his ex wife to make their kid come to terms with the new situation in her life. If they can't do this, this situation will go on forever. It's sad that we blame the OP for stealing a kid's dad from her but the dad has no responsibility for this. Right. If this couple (he and his ex wife) were in a stable and good relationship before the OW (the OP) came to the picture they would have done a great job explaining to their kid the new situation and how it affects her. But it seems their relationship was and still is crappy.

 

Either way, not OP's fault. The guy left. The dad left. OP has a baby to take care of. She can't take this crap forever.

[BeingMe]

Ok,there are some phrases you use, like 'ridiculously happy" as if you're trying to convince us and yourself.

 

Actually, your relationship is under a lot of strain: Friends are being hostile, his family seem to prefer his wife, his daughter is in all kinds of pain and is showing it through anger.

 

Your reaction seems to be to blame other people and to minimise. But these things are still affecting your relationship and they are due to choices that you and your AP made.

 

You cannot make people like you or want you around. You cannot control how other people feel about you or the situation. Trying to do so will make you feel much worse about it all. If you can both own your choices and that these things are consequences of those choices, you will find it less stressful than trying to 'fix' the other people.

 

t's the responsibility of OP's partner and his ex wife to make their kid come to terms with the new situation in her life. If they can't do this, this situation will go on forever.

 

Actually you're wrong. It's their responsibility to be there for their daughter, to hear her pain, to hug and love her, to be her parents. It is not their job to force her to accept how things are. She may never feel that way. She is the only one who can decide for herself how she feels about it all. Any attempt to make her squash down her own feelings will lead to even more emotional damage. How about offering to pay for counselling for her?

 

OP, you cannot make people love you. You cannot make people accept your relationship. You cannot make people happy for you. All you can do is accept responsibility for your own choices and learn to be happy within your circumstances...or minimise,blame others and pretend you're happy when you're not. The first option is harder, but you will learn to be truly happy if you can do it.

[Iguanna]

Actually you're wrong. It's their responsibility to be there for their daughter, to hear her pain, to hug and love her, to be her parents. It is not their job to force her to accept how things are. She may never feel that way. She is the only one who can decide for herself how she feels about it all. Any attempt to make her squash down her own feelings will lead to even more emotional damage. How about offering to pay for counselling for her?

 

 

I didn't suggest they should force her to accept things. They should indeed do it with love. But the new situation is a fact and crying about it won't change it. Things and circumstances in life change and this is a good lesson for this kid to learn. If her mother can't accept it and convince her that everything is gonna be ok and her parents will love her forever and that it's a good thing that her parents are divorced now case it will make them happier than before, how can the kid accept it? It's her parents' job to do this. OP made her choices and she will have to learn to live with them. I wouldn't care about the friends who turned their back on them for a choice they made that makes them happier than before. Even the relatives that have a problem with seeing the member of their family happy without him having followed their path of happiness are worthless in my opinion.

[HermioneG]

I didn't suggest they should force her to accept things. They should indeed do it with love. But the new situation is a fact and crying about it won't change it. Things and circumstances in life change and this is a good lesson for this kid to learn. If her mother can't accept it and convince her that everything is gonna be ok and her parents will love her forever and that it's a good thing that her parents are divorced now case it will make them happier than before, how can the kid accept it? It's her parents' job to do this. OP made her choices and she will have to learn to live with them. I wouldn't care about the friends who turned their back on them for a choice they made that makes them happier than before. Even the relatives that have a problem with seeing the member of their family happy without him having followed their path of happiness are worthless in my opinion.

 

You cannot force a child to accept this. They can accept the reality of the situation, but they do not have to be happy about it.

 

Sometimes true familial love involves not accepting poor behavior. I would state, pretty clearly, that having a baby with another woman prior to a divorce is, in general, not good behavior. Families and friends don't have to just roll over and clap happily for behavior that is showing destructive results on several fronts.

 

I don't see why that is worthless. I know it very much complicated the OP's situation that people are not across the board cheering for them, and I recognize there is a huge amount of stress and strain resulting from their choices. I think the first thing that has to happen is that the OP has to recognize the absolute normality of that reaction.

 

Look. Chasing "ridiculously happy" is not the way to live a life. Happiness is an internal job, not an external job. The OP and her partner are showing, even by their reactions to the current situation, that they are externally motivated. They are seeing the results of that in their situation.

 

The OP and her partner need to consult professional help on blending families, because they need some course correction. And there is a lot at stake. His older children are at risk for a host of issues that will follow them into adulthood if they don't change their approach. Expecting the kids to just be happy for them and blaming the not even ex wife is not a plan.

[BeingMe]

If her mother can't accept it and convince her that everything is gonna be ok and her parents will love her forever and that it's a good thing that her parents are divorced now case it will make them happier than before, how can the kid accept it?

 

All that HermioneGsaid, plus:

 

You're saying the mother should lie to her child. Why?

 

Now, above all times, it's best for emotional health that everyone is honest, but without being destructive.

 

The mum could say "Honey I see how hurt you are. I'm hurting too, this is such a horrible situation. But daddy does love you and hasn't stopped being your daddy, even though we're not together anymore. Daddy won't stop loving you when the new baby comes. You'll just have another person who loves you too."

 

But no way in hell should the mum say that everyone will be better off and everyone will be happier now. This poor girl has had her life ripped apart. It's not the time to be talking about happiness and being better off. Doing so denies her feelings and that will stop her being able to talk to anyone, and ensuring her own feelings come out in even more unhealthy ways.