I feel trapped in this relationship. I want out!

[braceyourself]

I don't know where to begin. I've been dating my now fiance for 1 year. We decided that I would move myself and my child in to live with him because 1. we love each other and planned on getting married in the fall and 2. I am currently unemployed and I wasn't able to keep up my mortgage payments so it seemed like a win/win. I've been living with my fiance for 4 weeks now and things have been absolutely miserable.

 

Before I go into the bad stuff let me just say my fiance has been really supportive financially. For the majority of our relationship he has paid for most dates, we took two trips: one to the Carribbean and another to the beach and he paid for those, he also helped me out financially to get my tooth pulled. He has been very helpful in that regard and I'm very grateful. I have paid for some dinners and bought him gifts when I can afford to.

 

Before I moved in, we did have issues with insecurity and jealousy but that's something my fiance is trying to work on. However, I feel as though since I moved in with my son, life has been a nightmare. Every week being here, he has reminded me that he goes to work to support us and I should be bending over backwards trying to please him. I clean almost everyday, cook 4 out of 5 weekdays, take out trash, wash and fold several things of laundry, help son with homework, take him out to play, and Im spending several hours a day job hunting.

 

It seems like my fiance is never happy. Monday I cleaned our place from top to bottom. And washed 4 basket of clothes and folded them all. This morning, my fiancee got mad at me because I didnt wash the last load of laundry from Monday and he was upset with me because I didnt cook. I reminded him that I dont have to cook every night. My son said something about him being nasty for wearing dirty pants (which he was out of line) and I heard my fiance tell him to shut up. I was livid because I would never speak to anyone that way in his family. So we fought about that. He brought up that he was miserable because of us and that this is his place. I was so pissed that I through my ring at him and said i hate you. I meant it but I was wrong for saying it.

 

Now I feel trapped. I feel like my fiance can do and say whatever because he pays the bills here. And when I dont do something right, he reminds me that that's the least I can do to help out. He said he wanted me to start cooking him breakfast or ironing his clothes in the morning and I've been doing that. It's clear that we dont need to get married and I need to leave but until I start working I am stuck here. Any advice on what to do until I can leave? I'm shutting down mentally.

[PegNosePete]

Okay, seems the relationship is effectively over, at least in your mind. You really have 3 options as far as I can see.

 

a) Carry on as you are, don't tell him you're planning to leave, wait til you get a job then split up and move out.

I guess it's kinda deceptive to trick him like this, but it might cause the least friction. Can you put up with being treated this way until you can get a job? If not then this option won't work.

 

b) Find a way to be financially independent now, dump him and move out.

There's plenty of help out there. Are you claiming all the benefits you can? Are you getting all you should from your child's father? Any friends or family that can help with a cheap/free place to stay temporarily? Etc. If you need help or advice there's plenty of resources.

 

c) End the relationship but ask him that you can stay in the house until you find a job and can afford to move out.

May be the best thing to do, but risky... if he says no you'll be homeless. I guess it depends on his personality, how likely you think he'll be to agree to this.

[d0nnivain]

I would not marry this man. He wants a maid not a wife & he wants to hold money over yor head.

 

Do you have any savings? How fast can you get out & do you have some place to go? What are your job prospects?

[braceyourself]

Yes, the relationship is over in my mind. I dont have any savings and my family is over 800 miles away. I've had a few interviews but nothing has come out of those. My son's father pays a small portion of child support a month and gets him every weekend. Im hoping that when school is out for my son, that he stays with his grandparents and that will give me time to move out.

 

I'm just so bummed out that I didnt envision this for myself. My fiance told me he doesnt like these living conditions (I guess paying for the bills and I understand) but I dont think he should treat me like he does.

 

Im so disappointed in myself putting my back against the wall but in these times, I find out what strengths I really have.

Edited May 14, 2014 by braceyourself

[d0nnivain]

Where do you think there are better job prospects -- where you are or 800 miles away where your family is? If it's family move sooner rather than later.

 

Have you been networking in your new area? How many applications / resumes do you send out per day? Have you spoken to any recruiters? Are you open to contract work?

[soccerrprp]

1. Contact family/friends that are supportive and ask for help getting out. Whether financial or physical, ask for it now and tell them why!!!

 

2. You and your family need a new start. Go back home to where there is support until you can get on your own two feet.

 

3. When a little more stable, apply for welfare. Forget your darn pride and do what you need to for yourself and your child. Do this until you find a job and are settled.

[Hopeful30]

Where there is a will, there is a way. If you have good credit, I recommend getting a line-of-credit and living off that until you can pay it off.

 

Less interest than credit cards and you pay whatever you can monthly (depending on the bank).

[braceyourself]

My son's father is not going to want our child to move away. And I'm scared that if I leave my son here, he will try to take him permanently. He is a very shady individual. I really try to keep him out of my personal business because he is known to use it against me.

 

My family lives in Mississippi. I have a better chance living here and finding a job vs going back home.

[soccerrprp]

My son's father is not going to want our child to move away. And I'm scared that if I leave my son here, he will try to take him permanently. He is a very shady individual. I really try to keep him out of my personal business because he is known to use it against me.

 

So, you two were married and there is a LEGAL obligation to remain in the area?

 

My family lives in Mississippi. I have a better chance living here and finding a job vs going back home.

 

Okay. Apply for welfare. You will need an address/local domicile, so finding a place elsewhere will be your priority. It looks like staying with this creep until you save up a few months of rent will be needed or family/friends help. In addition to apply for welfare, you can also get health insurance through the state. Do both.

 

Just start finding out what you need to do NOW. The goal is to get out of this ASAP.

[rns4lyfe]

Keep all the money he gives you and use that to leave. Apply for jobs everyday until u get one then you'll have enough to leave him. If you go to a shelter, they will help you there too. Grin and bear it until you have the means to leave Because you need money to make major moves. This is why I have to keep a job, you can only depend on yourself these days. A man who truly loves you will not treat you like that. You do the best you can and it isn't appreciated.

[SolG]

Hi OP. If you were my daughter, it would only take one phone call and I would be there on the next flight to help you pack up and get out. And I'd set you up in your own place if need be until you're able to fend for yourself. Don't underestimate the mountains parents will move to help their children. If your parents are in a position where they can possibly help, call them. Even if they can't, call them anyway. If nothing else, I'm sure they'll lend you an ear and unconditional love and support.

[newmoon]

I don't see the abuse here... he isn't hitting you or your kid, right? He is probably incredibly frustrated with you taking all his money for the past X amount of time and contributing nothing more than housework. And if you are spending 24/7 cleaning and cooking it doesn't sound like you've got time to look for work. I mean you hooked up with this man and started taking his money from day 1, including trips and whatnot. I'm not being mean, but I can see it from his perspective, because I would hate it too (out of frustration) and I would probably kick you out pretty soon. I think his anger at you/your son is the sign that he wants you out... hello. Get out. You need to find a friend or a relative or a hotel and remove yourself from the situation because you are not wanted there and his actions are showing you that. He wants a woman who can work and contribute. Get yourself down to welfare/WIC/social services and get food stamps and some money. Food comes right away and the housing vouchers and money will come in a bit, but it'll be something.

[Popsicle]

The answer is to find a job and contribute to the house. Better yet get to the the level financially of being completely self-supporting, even if that means giving up your expensive house (selling it). I bet he'd treat you a lot better then because you won't HAVE to put up with his crap.

[Hopeful30]

I don't see the abuse here... he isn't hitting you or your kid, right? He is probably incredibly frustrated with you taking all his money for the past X amount of time and contributing nothing more than housework. And if you are spending 24/7 cleaning and cooking it doesn't sound like you've got time to look for work. I mean you hooked up with this man and started taking his money from day 1, including trips and whatnot. I'm not being mean, but I can see it from his perspective, because I would hate it too (out of frustration) and I would probably kick you out pretty soon. I think his anger at you/your son is the sign that he wants you out... hello. Get out. You need to find a friend or a relative or a hotel and remove yourself from the situation because you are not wanted there and his actions are showing you that. He wants a woman who can work and contribute. Get yourself down to welfare/WIC/social services and get food stamps and some money. Food comes right away and the housing vouchers and money will come in a bit, but it'll be something.

 

I agree that perhaps her man is frustrated because of this, but keep in mind that the man is partially at fault. If since day ONE he didn't like being the breadwinner, then form day ONE he should have made that known. It's not fair that he grit his teeth this whole time and then one kid later he says "nevermind, I don't want to be the breadwinner anymore". You can't blame the OP for that.

 

I also agree with another poster about being independent. Even if in the future you find a man who likes this role as breadwinner and treats you like gold, ALWAYS have a backup. You need to have something to fall on for you and your kid. Not necessarily because your man might change, but because anything can happen. One day he might not come home, or get in an accident. Anything can happen and having money as back up could really help you.

 

I had this discussion with a man I dated once, and he felt betrayed by that. He said, "If a woman keeps a secret bank account when married, that's like anticipating that she might leave one day, it's betrayal and I would be pissed". Umm REALLY?! So you want a woman to FULLY depend on you, and god forbid something happens one day you would be OFFENDED if she had her own back financially?

 

Ignore people like this. IF it pisses off your next man, do it anyways. I think it's unhealthy for a man to think it's a "betrayal" of some sort. On the contrary, a real man would appreciate that a woman is playing it smart. I honestly was so shocked when he said that it's a betrayal. And if you lose your job one day, or get injured, is it still a betrayal when I have backup money to support us? I'm sure his answer then would be VERY different.

 

I hate the male ego.

[newmoon]

I agree that perhaps her man is frustrated because of this, but keep in mind that the man is partially at fault. If since day ONE he didn't like being the breadwinner, then form day ONE he should have made that known. It's not fair that he grit his teeth this whole time and then one kid later he says "nevermind, I don't want to be the breadwinner anymore". You can't blame the OP for that.

 

 

 

well, LS only gives us one side of every story, right? maybe she made promises at the start to be employed by X date, or that she was looking for work, etc. and then failed to come through on this. we don't know what assurances she made that she didn't live up to. I'm sure most people don't mind supporting a partner for a while, but a year + is long, especially since she's not a long-term fiancé or wife. doesn't much matter, the relationship is over. but the advice you gave is solid... in this day and age there is zero reason to not have your own account or whatever, complete financial dependence on another person - male or female - is just ridiculous

[juicygirl]

It's only been 4 weeks and you want to run already. You're both still, in the adjusting period, but don't get married you sound too young.

 

I must be an old fashioned girl, but why are you complaining? You and your child are living rent free,bill free and you can't even make the man dinner. His probably fed up of you and your child taken him for granted,excepting something for nothing. He was out of line for talking to your child that way, but nothing to leave over. If you love him, talk to him about it,have a conversation, what the hell was you going to do if you got married,everything doesn't run smooth all the time,but you don't just leave.You do realise married is forever not just until one person can't be bothered anymore.

 

I'm a single mum of two toddlers and let me tell you if I was I a situation that I needed to leave I would find away out.Call your family and go,it maybe 800 miles away,but is it worth your child being miserable staying there.

 

Sell the house you can't afford and once this is over you really need to get a hold of your finances. Start saving,get a rainy day account so you don't end up stuck in the future.