Wife had affair with coworker...Suggestions?

[DedicatedHusband]

So let me lay down some quick information about my wife and I. We have been married almost two years, no kids and started dating back in 2009.

 

So a couple months ago my wife is on a business trip which she does every other month or so, when she goes out of town we normally talk before she goes to bed each night about our day and what not. So this one night she calls me around 5:30-6:00 and says she just wanted to call now because she's going out to dinner with clients and might go out for a drink afterwards and it might be a late night. Well obviously the red flags start flying up and i spend the next few hours pondering all sorts of things. I'm texting her and getting no response. I finally get a response around midnight from her saying she just woke up and that all my texts made her mad and she went to bed around 9 that night, mad at me for questioning her.

 

So of course when she gets home a big fight happens, i'm mad at her for being so secrative and she's mad at me for not trusting her...yada yada yada. So as the days pass, she is getting more and more angry with me. Now keep in mind we had settled on our first house a couple weeks earlier, so we are supposed to move into our brand new home a month later, so never in 1000 years would i think anything bad was about to happen.

 

So the days keep passing, things keep getting worse, she talks with her friends and of course i'm the worst person the on the face of the planet. To make a long story short, she's not happy anymore and i never actually made her happy. The house was a last ditch effort to try and save our marriage in her eyes, and it just wasn't happening, so we cancelled our offer, lost all of our down payment and other fees go out the window.

 

At this point i couldn't care less about the house, all i want is my wife back. A month passes and each and every night she tells me all of my flaws and i start to believe her. I know i have my flaws, but i didn't think they were this bad! We never even went to marriage counselling. I figured if things were this bad that she would of wanted to sit me down and fix our marriage.

 

So this is where the story gets interesting, one night she drinks a little too much, and goes to bed(passes out) well over this past month she has been on her phone non stop! I mean all the time! She always said it was with her mom and her friends, which is believable bc she has a lot of close friends. But i get the urge to look at her phone, which she always has within hands reach of her(red flag!) but with all of the drinks she decided to consume, she was oblivious to the fact that i pulled it out from under her without her waking...

 

Sooooo, i get the biggest punch in the stomach i could of ever got. Over the past month i see a slew of texts, i'm guessing maybe ~50 a day from a guy she met out of town(4 hours away) and has been in contact with each and every day. They say they love each other, she says she wants to marry him, she even sends him pictures of herself in lingerie each night before she goes to bed...if thats not bad enough she even has the nerve to make fun of my attempts to fix our marriage to him through texts. All of this is so heart wrenching, its tough for me to type it...

 

Oh and the sex, i caught that in one of the texts, she had sex with him in her hotel room that very night i freaked out on her because she called me at 6 pm. Lesson learned, always go with what your gut tells you.

 

So after all of that, everything she has put me through over these 6 or so weeks, i still want my wife back

 

She means the world to me and i know i have flaws, i want to fix them. Problem is, she is still blaming me for everything. I have tried everything i could think of, cleaning the whole house, cleaning her cars, having flowers sent to her work, flowers sent to the house, hide sweet notes for her to find, countless heartfelt emails...NOTHING. She still won't budge.

 

She's not filing for divorce though because i threatened to go to her work about all of this. I threatened his job and her job, maybe not a good idea but for the sake of being honest it's what i did.

 

Anyway, i'm 30 years old, no kids, feel like i have a lot going for me, feel like finding a good woman would be no problem, and yet all i want to do is get my wife back.

 

Am i crazy? Dillusional? I'm just lost at this moment...

 

Right now we are still sleeping in the same bed, but no sex, i wasn't the last man my wife had sex with

[FredJones80]

I feel sorry for you but in all honesty, you should make it over.

 

You've been together a shortish time, you've been married even shorter and she repays you by cheating with someone then poking fun at you for wanting to save your marriage?

 

Sorry to tell you this but what a horrible woman. Why did she even marry you in the first place?

 

Be the stronger person, know you deserve better and get her or yourself out.

 

Don't wait for her to leave, take the first step and go now. At least you'll have your pride in tact no matter how hard.

 

Listen to your head, not your heart.

[DedicatedHusband]

Thats exactly what is going on in my head. I have such hate and anger towards her for what she has done to me. Like i said i may not be the perfect husband, but to sit there and read all those texts, its just horrible.

 

I haven't told any of my family or friends bc if we ever would get back together i don't want them knowing about all of it. I know we havn't been married long, but i've been with her for 5 years, seems like a long time, it's tough to throw that away.

 

I feel like in the back of my head i know i should go, however my heart tells me that if there's still a chance, that i'm willing to try.

 

We never even went to marriage counselling, i think that maybe if we do that, then maybe?????

 

Or maybe i'm just pathetic, that thought comes to mind a lot too

[Elle1975]

Anyway, i'm 30 years old, no kids, feel like i have a lot going for me, feel like finding a good woman would be no problem

I would concentrate on that exactly.

 

 

What bothers me is not even the cheating, it's that she made you out to look like the bad guy.

 

I personally wouldn't encourage reconciliation with her. I can only give you my personal views on the matter. I know you're in pain, but at the moment you have no self-esteem, no sense of worth anymore, you're down to accept about anything she'd be willing to toss at you.

 

You talk about counseling, I'd encourage meeting with a therapist for a few cessions, alone. That will help you open your eyes on the situation, and at least regain your self-esteem.

[Strength in Healing]

Often times in your situation, people do exactly what you're doing.

 

She cheated on you, she's the one screwing up, and you are blaming yourself, sending her flowers, etc.

 

You are enabling and validating adultery, as well as chasing an illusion.

 

She is a horrible person, and you want back the self-created IMAGE of who you told yourself she was.

 

THIS is who she IS. You have to come to grips with it.

 

 

Not only should you get a divorce, but if I were you I would report it to her work if what they're doing is a violation.

 

SCREW HER. She cheated on you, continues cheating on you, and will cheat on the next guy, too. YOU CAN'T STOP IT.

 

It isn't about you doing something or not doing something -- it's about who she is.

[Friskyone4u]

Unfortunately, she knows you want her back and she will continue to disrespect you. Your threat to expose them at work has probably sent their communication underground, so you are in for more detective work. You cannot believe anything she tells you. Most importantly this is not your fault so stop blaming yourself.

If she is continuing the overnights with this co worker in same city you can assume it is still going on.

Question for you is, why would you want to be with someone who is cheating on you already on M. If you think it be a one time thing you are crazy especially since she is blaming you for everything.

You may get suggestions about the 180. That only works on spouses who want to R .

You need to present her with Divorce papers and move on

[central]

To get her back, you have to be willing to lose her. That's the only path to getting her respect - and her attention.

 

Expose the affair to her work. Expose it to her family. Expose it to the other man's family, if you can find him and them. Tell your wife to move out, and file divorce papers (you don't have to follow through). If she wants to save the marriage, she has to do the work. You have to work on yourself, focus on your well-being, and act cold and indifferent to her.

 

She'll show her true colors and either leave, or decide you are worth keeping.

 

And gather and keep all evidence or copies safely where she has no way to get at it.

[Waverly]

She means the world to me and i know i have flaws, i want to fix them. Problem is, she is still blaming me for everything. I have tried everything i could think of, cleaning the whole house, cleaning her cars, having flowers sent to her work, flowers sent to the house, hide sweet notes for her to find, countless heartfelt emails...NOTHING. She still won't budge.

 

She's not filing for divorce though because i threatened to go to her work about all of this. I threatened his job and her job, maybe not a good idea but for the sake of being honest it's what i did.

 

What was her reaction when you confronted her about the texts? When you say she won't budge... does that mean she is saying she really meant everything she said to him and is still blaming you for the fact that she cheated? Is the only reason she's not divorcing you because she doesn't want you to tell her work?

 

(Full disclosure, I was a WS, but haven't had a D-day. I'm not trying to excuse her decision at all, more trying to understand her reaction. She sounds....pretty darn cold and resolute, if I'm being honest. Even when I was in completely over my head in the affair, I never would have blamed my husband for it or - ouch - made fun of him for trying to repair things in our marriage.)

[whichwayisup]

She means the world to me and i know i have flaws, i want to fix them. Problem is, she is still blaming me for everything. I have tried everything i could think of, cleaning the whole house, cleaning her cars, having flowers sent to her work, flowers sent to the house, hide sweet notes for her to find, countless heartfelt emails...NOTHING. She still won't budge.

 

Right now the woman you love and married does not exist. The woman in front of you currently is a selfish person who hasn't suffered any consequences of her actions. She chose to cheat yet she is mad at you, blaming you. That is NOT a remorseful person ready to prove themselves to her husband (you!)!

 

Sorry but until she wakes up, feels genuine remorse, cuts all contact with her co worker and even quits her job to show you she can be trustworthy again, there's no point in continuing with her. As painful and awful as this is for you, you got to be strong and stand up to her, show her that her behaviour sucks and isn't tolerated by you.

 

You're bending over backwards trying to get her to love you, why? SHE IS the one who f'ed up, cheated on you! SHE should be kissing your ass, not the other way around.

[FredJones80]

Sorry DedicatedHusband, I know this will be massively painful and take the courage of an ox, but you really have to listen to each and everyone that has posted a reply, they are all 100% correct.

 

We are people outside of your situation who can see it for what it is, you are emotionally invested so can't think clear.

 

Get out now before you get further broken in the future.

 

The way I see it, you either action now or she will action it for you in the coming... weeks/months.

[whichwayisup]

Thats exactly what is going on in my head. I have such hate and anger towards her for what she has done to me. Like i said i may not be the perfect husband, but to sit there and read all those texts, its just horrible.

 

I haven't told any of my family or friends bc if we ever would get back together i don't want them knowing about all of it. I know we havn't been married long, but i've been with her for 5 years, seems like a long time, it's tough to throw that away.

 

I feel like in the back of my head i know i should go, however my heart tells me that if there's still a chance, that i'm willing to try.

 

We never even went to marriage counselling, i think that maybe if we do that, then maybe?????

 

Or maybe i'm just pathetic, that thought comes to mind a lot too

 

You are a gem. She doesn't see that, she's too wrapped up in herself.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work and so far she's done absolutely nothing to show you she wants to stay married.

 

It's a waste of your time to put all the effort in while she sits and watches. She doesn't respect you, so stop jumping through hoops to try to save her and the marriage. I said before, consequences...

 

BLOW IT UP. Tell your family and hers that she cheated. Tell your bestfriend, you need support. She needs to be held accountable of what she's done.

 

Yes, you are responsible for your part in any marital problems but her choosing to have an affair is ALL ON HER. That was her choice, you didn't put a gun to her head and say 'cheat'. This is not your fault.

[Madman81]

Right now the woman you love and married does not exist. The woman in front of you currently is a selfish person who hasn't suffered any consequences of her actions. She chose to cheat yet she is mad at you, blaming you. That is NOT a remorseful person ready to prove themselves to her husband (you!)!

 

Sorry but until she wakes up, feels genuine remorse, cuts all contact with her co worker and even quits her job to show you she can be trustworthy again, there's no point in continuing with her. As painful and awful as this is for you, you got to be strong and stand up to her, show her that her behaviour sucks and isn't tolerated by you.

 

You're bending over backwards trying to get her to love you, why? SHE IS the one who f'ed up, cheated on you! SHE should be kissing your ass, not the other way around.

I'd go a bit further. The woman you loved is dead. This person you're now sharing a home with has taken her place. For the rest of your life, regardless of whether you stay with her or not, she will always be the woman who broke your heart, betrayed you, and said rotten things about you to justify her own actions.

 

Maybe she can change. Maybe not. But I would give serious consideration to getting out now, while you can still make a clean break and never have to see her again. (If you have kids with her and everything goes south later, you won't be able to do that.) Your family and friends will understand, and will support such a decision in the circumstances.

 

You've only been married for two years. So, effectively, she dealt your marriage a crippling blow in its infancy. And that's assuming this was the first time she cheated. For all you know, there have been other incidents before this one. That's a rotten foundation on which to build a partnership that's supposed to last until you're both in old age.

 

It probably sounds flippant to say this, but dude... you're 30. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don't know about you, but most of the people I know didn't even start settling down until their mid-30s at the earliest. There are lots of other women out there... women who are honest and loyal, and who won't break your heart.

 

I wish you the best. Be strong.

[Lordsnow]

No matter what she says you did not cause her to have an a its her own personal flaw. Tell someone about your situation, a close friend or family have someone to talk to. stop begging her i know its hard most of us have been in your situation know that you are not alone. Read about the 18O it helped me a lot and please listen to the advice given here.

[bubbaganoosh]

I want you to re read your initial thread real slow. I want you to take in every word that you wrote and after you do this ask yourself this.

 

What kind of woman are you married to. Is she trustworthy. Is she honest? Is she a woman that you could be proud of walking down the street with? Is she the type of woman that you would want to have the rest of your life?

 

If you say yes, then are you prepared to be second fiddle? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder wondering if she's where she says she is. Is she doing what she says she's doing? Is she with who she says she's with.

 

You've only been married for two years and she's cheating on you, sending this guy pictures of her in a nightie and you don't know if there are other pictures maybe wearing less but what the hell, he's already seen her naked, telling him that she wants to be with him and you lost a bunch of money buy backing out of the house you were going to buy. Not to mention that she's always mad at you.

 

Is that what you want? Is that all you think your worth? Is this the best you can do?

 

Here's what you should do. Get a lawyer. File. Have her served a t work in front of all her co workers. Let her boss know what she did with the other co worker. Call the OM wife is he has one a drop a dime on him. Shut down your accounts and start new ones in your name and, GET HER THE HELL OUT OF YOUR BED. Make her sleep on the couch and let her know that she's no longer welcome in your bed.

 

You have to find your guts, back bone and balls and let her know that your a force to be reckoned with because if you don't, this woman will rip you apart limb by limb. Do not play games with her because you'll lose. She isn't playing with you and she' proven that you are nothing but crap on her shoe. Stop worrying about her feelings. She doesn't have any.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Problem is, she is still blaming me for everything. I have tried everything i could think of, cleaning the whole house, cleaning her cars, having flowers sent to her work, flowers sent to the house, hide sweet notes for her to find, countless heartfelt emails...NOTHING. She still won't budge.

 

At this point her state of mind is not going to care what you do to impress her. As long as she is with OM, you are crap and OM is infallible.

 

You can try the 180 plan. Google "Michele Weiner Davis The 180 Plan". The only thing you are doing in trying to win her back is to make yourself look weak in her eyes.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do two things: (1) If OM is married, inform his BW. (2) Let your wife know that you plan on seeing a lawyer to discuss your options for a divorce. If she wants to try to save the marriage, then she has to agree to end the A immediately. Otherwise, you are moving forward with divorce proceedings.

 

My helpful tip for you: You're wife is not who you thought she was. Keep that in your head as you make decisions.

[DedicatedHusband]

What was her reaction when you confronted her about the texts? When you say she won't budge... does that mean she is saying she really meant everything she said to him and is still blaming you for the fact that she cheated? Is the only reason she's not divorcing you because she doesn't want you to tell her work?

 

(Full disclosure, I was a WS, but haven't had a D-day. I'm not trying to excuse her decision at all, more trying to understand her reaction. She sounds....pretty darn cold and resolute, if I'm being honest. Even when I was in completely over my head in the affair, I never would have blamed my husband for it or - ouch - made fun of him for trying to repair things in our marriage.)

 

When i confronted her about the other man, she freaked out...decided that we should try and fix things. That night we both decided to fix our marriage. The next day she was already have second thoughts, and by the day after she was back in contact with this other man and treating me like the bad person again. It's been like this for a month now.

 

It is hard for me to admit this, however i do feel that the only reason she hasn't divorced me yet is because i found out about her secret and she knows i can ruin her job. But things haven't gotten better. Don't you think that even if she wanted to stay with me in fear of me telling her job, that she would atleast open up to me? Talk to me about our marriage? Every night she comes home, we eat dinner together, maybe watch tv together for a little bit, and as soon as the convo turns to our marriage, she closes up and starts blaming me for the past and says she can't talk about it. And the circle continues...

[central]

Of course she can't talk about it. She'd have to tell you things she wants to hide. There is NO hope if you can't get her to cut all contact with the OM and maintain NC. She needs to write the email/text, and you need to see it and hit send, then delete him from her phone, and have the ability to check it and any other devices she could use to contact him.

 

You have to define the agenda and timeframe - she will resist as long as she can, of course.

[Clay]

Not really sure why you are staying. There are cheaters that think they deserve to have there cake and eat it too. Some people will never be honest so why waste another second with her. Let her keep her job so you don't end up paying alimony. Just file for divorce and try to make it as amicable as possible. These days the courts don't care about who cheated or who lied they only care about dividing assets and finalizing agreements. I might even play it up to her to say she deserves a man she wants to be with just to get away from her faster.

 

I know that sounds horrible but as I said why waste another second with her and the sooner you can get this over with the better and faster you can move on with your life.

 

Find someone that deserves your loyalty and your love. Clearly she is no longer that person.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. Its never easy.

 

Clay

[italianjob]

The title of this thread is wrong... Your wife HAS (not HAD) an affair with the guy.

DH,

1. Your wife is cheating on you two years into your marriage.

2. She makes you feel guilty about the state of your marriage, when she is the one cheating.

3. She had the nerve to be mad at you for texting here while she was ****ing another man.

4. She makes fun of you with her lover, showing ZERO respect.

Why do you want to stay married to someone like her? Do you also have no respect for yourself?

I think your marriage is over, and I also think you should want it to end as soon as possible. Anyway, even if you really wanted to fix it, you won't do it trying to "nice her back". That will only make her respect you even less (though it's hard to think how could she show less respect than this).

1. Stop trying to be supernice to her. Go cold on her.

2. File for divorce, without telling her what you're doing, and have her served at work.

3. Expose her affair to family, friends and everyone involved.

Don't worry if she runs to the OM, or agrees to divorce, she would have done it anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back begging for your forgiveness, often you must be ready to end the relationship in order to save it.

I would go through with the D in any case, she doesn't sound like wife material at all, you don't have kids and you're young, there's no reason to eat this **** sandwich.

But if she actually comes back when she understands you are ready to dump her, then it will be your call.

[soccerrprp]

Am i crazy? Dillusional? I'm just lost at this moment...

 

Yes to both questions.

 

Stand up for yourself and divorce her! Never in my existence would I allow the chance of reconciliation to occur when my wife or gf ever cheated on me! Not in my vocabulary! I guarantee that she is thinking that you are a chump!

 

DH, her going as far as she did indicates that she's either a sleeze-ball or you two have a very weak relationship and for some time.

 

What's worse is that she doesn't respect you. Ridicule(d) you to her cheating bf. She says that she is in love with HIM, not you! The only reason she is with you now is b/c of your threat!

 

DIVORCE her.

Edited May 14, 2014 by soccerrprp

[cozycottagelg]

She has cheated on you during the very early phases of your marriage. I am not saying "once a cheater always a cheater"..but if she can justify it now, it will be easier to justify it when you have children and you're busy and you don't pay her enough attention and blah blah blah..

 

Anyway...

 

You need to file for divorce and leave her the papers. Let her freak out. She needs to freak out. You don't have to go through with it, but you need to take back the control in this marriage. She is in complete control. You can't lavish her with gifts and attention when she is in a fog with another man, that makes you look weak and she is probably picking on you to him which is what you already have confirmed she is doing/has done.

 

Go cold on her. Man up. Fake it until you make it. 180 all the way.

[DedicatedHusband]

She has cheated on you during the very early phases of your marriage. I am not saying "once a cheater always a cheater"..but if she can justify it now, it will be easier to justify it when you have children and you're busy and you don't pay her enough attention and blah blah blah..

 

Anyway...

 

You need to file for divorce and leave her the papers. Let her freak out. She needs to freak out. You don't have to go through with it, but you need to take back the control in this marriage. She is in complete control. You can't lavish her with gifts and attention when she is in a fog with another man, that makes you look weak and she is probably picking on you to him which is what you already have confirmed she is doing/has done.

 

Go cold on her. Man up. Fake it until you make it. 180 all the way.

 

I feel that you are right

 

I feel like all my attempts go to the wayside and it just looks pathetic to her. All while she probably texts him a picture of my gifts to him with a condiscending message to go along with it.

 

Now this is a twist to the story......

 

We both travel for work from time to time, her and i are both going to be traveling to the area where he lives tomorrow!!!

 

She just found out about my travel plans, and let's just say she wasn't too happy to hear about them. I think that if she decides to blow me off, or atleast not spend time with me while we are both traveling in a new city...then it's pretty safe to say that she is with him...and this is over. BTW she has said they don't talk anymore, but i highly doubt it...

[atreides]

OP, my gut is that you do not have much in terms of a M with many assets and would cut my losses, however you want to keep her and I get that so....

 

Everything she says now is A Fog, bottom line... everything. You should read some stories here on LS where other women that are now in R, told their H's that they were not even sorry for having the A for one example and many more where WW is very cold as yours... however after the A fog had lifted, they are playing a much different tune.

 

Usually the WW gets there by you enforcing strong conditions and taking control of the situation. You could file D as a wake up call, for some here on LS getting served is what woke the WW up.. you can always stop that process at any time.

 

Others will go for full disclosure to help ensure no contact is enforced, usually by telling the OM's wife for example.... this creates a fracture in the A Fog because now your W will get to see just how much "love" the OM had for her. It is painful, because you will feel all kinds of things from "why am i the 2nd fiddle" to trying to figure out the whys, hows and whens but you need to make a condition that the lying must stop and enforce it from this moment on.

 

I am very sorry this happened to you and best of luck.

[2sunny]

When i confronted her about the other man, she freaked out...decided that we should try and fix things. That night we both decided to fix our marriage. The next day she was already have second thoughts, and by the day after she was back in contact with this other man and treating me like the bad person again. It's been like this for a month now.

 

It is hard for me to admit this, however i do feel that the only reason she hasn't divorced me yet is because i found out about her secret and she knows i can ruin her job. But things haven't gotten better. Don't you think that even if she wanted to stay with me in fear of me telling her job, that she would atleast open up to me? Talk to me about our marriage? Every night she comes home, we eat dinner together, maybe watch tv together for a little bit, and as soon as the convo turns to our marriage, she closes up and starts blaming me for the past and says she can't talk about it. And the circle continues...

 

 

Just file for divorce - and expose to all! Since she doesn't want to talk about it and own how she participated to the demise of your M - there's nothing for you to do but get the D finalized.

 

And stop rewarding her bad behavior! Sending flowers is like agreeing to the terrible things she's done. She's blown up your world - treat her like the jerk that she is! Throw her out today! Why is she even still there in the same space as you?

 

Let her have what she wants - to be free to be with the other guy.

[thummper]

1. So after all of that, everything she has put me through over these 6 or so weeks, i still want my wife back

 

 

 

Why? She's checked out, my friend. You'll never get her "back."

2. She's not filing for divorce though because i threatened to go to her work about all of this. I threatened his job and her job, maybe not a good idea but for the sake of being honest it's what i did.

 

 

 

Shouldn't have threatened it. Should have just done it! At the very least he needs to get fired.

 

3. Anyway, i'm 30 years old, no kids, feel like i have a lot going for me, feel like finding a good woman would be no problem, and yet all i want to do is get my wife back.

Again, why in the hell would you want this cold-hearted babe back? She obviously doesn't want you or has any respect for you or your marriage.

 

4. Am i crazy? Dillusional? I'm just lost at this moment...

 

Sorry, but, yes you are! Crazy for thinking that she wants you or will ever be the wife you want.

 

5 Right now we are still sleeping in the same bed, but no sex, i wasn't the last man my wife had sex with

And I think it's a VERY safe bet that there'll be MANY others if you stay with her. I'm sorry, but you've already lost the war. Run up the white flag, bail out, and find somebody better.