Waverly Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 When i confronted her about the other man, she freaked out...decided that we should try and fix things. That night we both decided to fix our marriage. The next day she was already have second thoughts, and by the day after she was back in contact with this other man and treating me like the bad person again. It's been like this for a month now. It is hard for me to admit this, however i do feel that the only reason she hasn't divorced me yet is because i found out about her secret and she knows i can ruin her job. But things haven't gotten better. Don't you think that even if she wanted to stay with me in fear of me telling her job, that she would atleast open up to me? Talk to me about our marriage? Every night she comes home, we eat dinner together, maybe watch tv together for a little bit, and as soon as the convo turns to our marriage, she closes up and starts blaming me for the past and says she can't talk about it. And the circle continues... I am NOT blaming you for your reaction; it sounds like you're trying to hold onto your marriage and get back the woman you married. Will she go to counseling? I totally get the instinct to just try to hold onto things...but if she is only staying with you out of fear of you ruining her career.... well.... Is that really what you want your relationship to be based on? Could you take that threat off the table and just spend some time apart for a while? It would give you both time to think about what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I feel that you are right I feel like all my attempts go to the wayside and it just looks pathetic to her. All while she probably texts him a picture of my gifts to him with a condiscending message to go along with it. Now this is a twist to the story...... We both travel for work from time to time, her and i are both going to be traveling to the area where he lives tomorrow!!! She just found out about my travel plans, and let's just say she wasn't too happy to hear about them. I think that if she decides to blow me off, or atleast not spend time with me while we are both traveling in a new city...then it's pretty safe to say that she is with him...and this is over. BTW she has said they don't talk anymore, but i highly doubt it... Why don't YOU meet up with him while you're there and tell him he can have her cheating a$$? Calmly state the obvious to him - have at her man - she's just a liar and a cheater. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You need to start doing the 180. If you don't know what that is, here's the list. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." If you do the 180, it shows her that you can and will move on with your life with or without her. She'll start to feel you pulling away and that might scare the piss out of her. OR, if this is the end of the marriage, the 180 will help you because you've already started to disengage from the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I am NOT blaming you for your reaction; it sounds like you're trying to hold onto your marriage and get back the woman you married. Will she go to counseling? I totally get the instinct to just try to hold onto things...but if she is only staying with you out of fear of you ruining her career.... well.... Is that really what you want your relationship to be based on? Could you take that threat off the table and just spend some time apart for a while? It would give you both time to think about what you really want. Wow, great idea, make it even easier for her to eat her cake... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 When i confronted her about the other man, she freaked out...decided that we should try and fix things. That night we both decided to fix our marriage. The next day she was already have second thoughts, and by the day after she was back in contact with this other man and treating me like the bad person again. It's been like this for a month now. It is hard for me to admit this, however i do feel that the only reason she hasn't divorced me yet is because i found out about her secret and she knows i can ruin her job. But things haven't gotten better. Don't you think that even if she wanted to stay with me in fear of me telling her job, that she would atleast open up to me? Talk to me about our marriage? Every night she comes home, we eat dinner together, maybe watch tv together for a little bit, and as soon as the convo turns to our marriage, she closes up and starts blaming me for the past and says she can't talk about it. And the circle continues... This is A fog and projection, she cannot live with the guilt, this is why many WS get super angry when confronted and gas-light until the cows come home. You need to enforce strong conditions and rules if you want to keep her and give her a wake up call with as others stated to expose and file. You really cannot take what she says at this point as being "real" so many WS change their tune after the chemicals have faded. You need to enforce no contact or she will in point of fact being seeing the OM and lie about it until you take control. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 As long as she blames you for her actions then you are doomed. SHE cheated. You didn't 'make her'. Could you ever really trust her again? Honestly, I don't see how. You know what you need to do - as painful as it is. The sooner the better. Any delay just delays your recovery. Sorry for your loss. Your marriage is irrevocably changed/damaged. Your wife doesn't value you or your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I am NOT blaming you for your reaction; it sounds like you're trying to hold onto your marriage and get back the woman you married. Will she go to counseling? I totally get the instinct to just try to hold onto things...but if she is only staying with you out of fear of you ruining her career.... well.... Is that really what you want your relationship to be based on? Could you take that threat off the table and just spend some time apart for a while? It would give you both time to think about what you really want. I don't think I would suggest he does this. Are you basing this off your experience from still not telling your own husband about your ongoing affair or did you tell him and now you have some new insight? Just been wondering. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 @ Dedicated husband. I feel for you. Her cheating is not about you, it is all about her integrity and honour but your attempt to turn a blind eye to her cheating and reconcile boils down to your lack of self worth. A man of value will never reconcile with your ww. She is for kicking not keeping. You are still young, kick her out. But you can still go a head an R if you love to be cuckold. Self respect is better than self pity. Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I don't think I would suggest he does this. Are you basing this off your experience from still not telling your own husband about your ongoing affair or did you tell him and now you have some new insight? Just been wondering. Clay No, this has nothing to do with my experience. (My affair is definitely not ongoing, by the way. It is as dead as that old doornail.) Maybe my advice is way off. I was just thinking that it sounds like he is trying to save his marriage, but that she is obviously not. I was just thinking that he perhaps may still be too close to the situation, and that stepping back from it a bit and realizing that he's the only one who is trying here might give a bit of perspective. If she were to choose to keep reconnecting with the OM, well then... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You're handing her all your power. She's misusing that power - and it's causing you harm. Stop handing her what is rightly yours. Take your power back! Stand up for yourself - stand up for what is right! Do what serves you best! Did you have childhood dreams of being married to a liar and a cheater? If not - get rid of her because that is who she has become. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DedicatedHusband Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I really appreciate all of the insight on this problem. I am new to this site however, is there somewhere i can go to understand all the acronyms? WS? OW? and others are confusing me haha Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I really appreciate all of the insight on this problem. I am new to this site however, is there somewhere i can go to understand all the acronyms? WS? OW? and others are confusing me haha WS wandering spouse, OW/OM other woman, other man. BH/BW, betrayed husband, betrayed wife, BS betrayed spouse. MW/MM married woman, married man, NC no contact, Dday discovery day of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 WS Wayward Spouse, OW Other woman, OM Other man I am really sorry you are going through this. I honestly think you need to leave her and move on as fast as you can. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Wanting the cheater back says more about what you need to work on than her. Why would you settle for so little from the person that's supposed to love and respect you above all others? This is about what you do - moving forward. How are you going to respect yourself when she's not respecting you? Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm so sorry that this happened to you, it's horrible. My suggestion is for you to leave her. I know that you want to try, but reconciliation is a long, tough task to work through, and it takes both of you to be in it 100%, and even then it is very trying. You've only been married for 2 years, you don't have a house together and you don't have kids. You're still young, as scary as reaching 30 is, you're not old. You will have plenty of chances finding someone else. I support reconciliation, but generally only in long term relationships where you have an extended history together. These memories can help with the hard times that you will be facing. I'll say it again, reconciliation is very hard, even two years later it feels like it just happened. Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 My ex had someone on the side in another city when I caught her as well. I agree given your age and no kids just divorce this woman. You have been married two years what's going to happen when you are married many years from now. Every time she pulls away from you you will think affair in your mind given this experience. She is in the affair fog. You have to focus on you because she is not focused on that marriage until she snaps out of the fog. I tried what you did but it was unwelcomed given her state of mind. As hard as it is you have to let her go for now and let the affair fizzle. Do the 180 and it will fizzle fast if you wish to reconcile. Don't make her stay with you because of a fear of allowing her employer know of the affair. She should stay in a marriage because she wants to. If you have money hire a detective to find out who other man is. Reverse search his number and find out if he is married or has girlfriend. Get your wife drunk again find her phone and get his number and talk to him about backing off. Expose this loser and set some limits on your wife and no contact. All honesty though I say just serve her divorce papers and run from this woman. My ex was cold and didn't care that I knew about her affair until I left. Her affair partner wasn't so thrilled when she went running to him full time instead of sex and secrecy a few times a month. I was in my early thirties when I started over. You can too. It's hard but it beats being with someone who treats you like garbage Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 1. Stop trying to be supernice to her. Go cold on her. 2. File for divorce, without telling her what you're doing, and have her served at work. 3. Expose her affair to family, friends and everyone involved. Don't worry if she runs to the OM, or agrees to divorce, she would have done it anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back begging for your forgiveness, often you must be ready to end the relationship in order to save it. I would go through with the D in any case, she doesn't sound like wife material at all, you don't have kids and you're young, there's no reason to eat this **** sandwich. But if she actually comes back when she understands you are ready to dump her, then it will be your call. And on top of that, a lot of guys love the inexpensive and easy sex on the sly that a married woman offers. But when she shows up at their door with a suitcase, thrilled that they are be free together, that changes things. :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You've only been married for 2 years, you don't have a house together and you don't have kids. You're still young, as scary as reaching 30 is, you're not old. You will have plenty of chances finding someone else. I'm 46, and I wouldn't hesitate to leave. 30? You're a young lion! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 The only marriages that survive an affair with even the slightest bit of happiness and functionality are when the BS draws a hard line in the sand and is uncompromising on boundaries and terms of what it will take to stay in the marriage, and when the WS has true remorse, accepts responsibility, goes completely NC with the OM/OW and completely dedicates her/himself to reestablishing trust and correcting the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Neither of you meet a single one of those criteria. As she is completely unrepentant and has no intentions to stop seeing him, you don't stand a chance of a successful reconciliation. My recommendation and that of all the other posters thus far is to cut your losses, get a lawyer and get out of this abusive and cruel relationship as quickly and cleanly as possible. Yes this is a sucky and sad situation and you will be sad and disrupted for awhile but it's like pulling off a bandaid, the quicker you can tear it off, the less it will hurt in the long run and the sooner you can move on to a good life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 the way to stop an affair is to expose and expose. Expose to her family, to your family, to the OM's family and to her work. File for divorce, she does not respect you. Respect yourself. She is not attracted to a doormat. She will respect a man. Be a man, file for divorce, you do not want the booby prize. Let her go to the OM and find someone that will not cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Lots of wisdom has been shared already. Here's some I'd like to reinforce: You are not in love with your wife. You're in love with who you thought she was. She is not who you thought, no matter how much you wish it to be so. When they say that denial is the first stage of grief, this is what they're talking about. You cannot 'nice her back.' Your complacency allows her to continue lying to you, keeping the benefits of a marital partner, and allows the affair to continue. It sends the message that you will accept unacceptable treatment. Worse yet, ahe has handed you a shi.t sandwich to eat and while you're doing it, you're doing your best to smile and otherwise wait patiently at her feet for breadcrumbs. Would you respect such a person? Your efforts are both counterproductive and do tremendous damage to your already damaged self-esteem. Your wife's affair is not your fault. You may own 50% of the marital problems but she owns 100% of the piss poor decision to cheat. Her logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix the marriage or leave it. She did neither. Quit beating yourself up (and eating that damn sandwich) as if this was your fault. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be ready to lose it. A lot of betrayed spouses have done exactly like you have done for the past month. You're in shock and doing whatever you can to stop the bleeding. You've got to get out of this damage control mode. The method that works best is counterintuitive. You need to do that 180 that people have mentioned. And to fight for your marriage, you need to file for divorce. Quit protecting her. Let her consequences hit her like a hammer to the middle of the forehead. If she changes and demonstrates true remorse, you can always halt the proceedings. As for exposing the affair, I wholeheartedly support exposing the affair to the other man's wife or girlfriend (if she has one). She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. As well, exposure has a real tendency to stop the affair in its tracks. Much like cockroaches, they scatter when brought into the light. Exposing further than that is something to consider very carefully (workplace, family, friends). It may be "effective" in killing the affair, but you may also end up with a wife that only stayed out of guilt, shame, obligation, and fear. And there can be unintended consequences - such as her lack of income resulting in alimony payments for you. You may not need to take the 'scorched earth' approach but I can definitely tell you that you need to toughen up, big time. What you are doing is normal but it's both self-deprecating and counterproductive. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm so sorry that this happened to you, it's horrible. My suggestion is for you to leave her. I know that you want to try, but reconciliation is a long, tough task to work through, and it takes both of you to be in it 100%, and even then it is very trying. You've only been married for 2 years, you don't have a house together and you don't have kids. You're still young, as scary as reaching 30 is, you're not old. You will have plenty of chances finding someone else. I support reconciliation, but generally only in long term relationships where you have an extended history together. These memories can help with the hard times that you will be facing. I'll say it again, reconciliation is very hard, even two years later it feels like it just happened. IMHO, OP shouldn't even think about Reconciliation at this point, much less talk about it. In this moment there's no marriage, SHE HAS CHECKED OUT. If you want this to go somewhere you have to act like it's over. Reconciliation might be a possibility that comes up with the turn of events. Right now you'd be reconciling with yourself or go into a false R that would do much worse damage than immediate divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 So let me lay down some quick information about my wife and I. We have been married almost two years, no kids and started dating back in 2009. DH, My wife had an affair right after our 2nd anniversary. After doing a lot research to make sense of her affair I found this article. Turns out that this period of marriage is a high-risk period for affairs. The newlywed bliss fades away and the couple faces the reality of life as a married couple. A spouse may begin to second guess their decision to marry. Passages of Marriage: Five Growth Stages - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International Excerpts from "Second Passage of Marriage": This marriage is no longer new. And yet, neither has it a long history. There’s great power in the ability of a common history to unite a married couple. Add to that the fact that couples in the Second Passage are on the run, pursuing careers, making a living, raising the kids, trying to pay for the house or car or perhaps just the daily food. The very tidal surge that carries them along also washes the gloss off all their dreams. Now is the time the partners start taking each other for granted. Add to that complacency the familiarity of sex. No longer is it an exploration. The same old marital partners engage in the same old sexual practices. The gloss, the new, has worn off that aspect as well. Too often, disillusionment replaces the sparkle of Young Love. The Second Passage is a time of high vulnerability for an affair (so for that matter is the Fourth Passage). In the Second Passage an affair usually represents a flight away from intimacy. Here is the poor married man or woman, struggling with control issues, financial and career pressures, kids, and, in some, a fear of true intimacy. An affair offers an easy pseudo-intimacy; intimacy with no strings. The new love approves of the harried married person and accepts him or her without conditions. No one worries about who takes out the garbage or who handles the finances. Control issues aren’t a problem. Persons involved in an affair need not deal with boredom and everyday minor crises. That’s the hard work of marriage. Yet these issues create a special, rich kind of intimacy. I hope this info helps you make sense out of what your are experiencing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I wonder if you love her, or if you are worried of being alone. You're talking about your trip, how if she sees him, it's over.. The minute she cheated after two years, you should have started the process of divorcing her. Plenty of good single women out there. Loyal, supportive, kind women. Don't waste your time on this one. Open your eyes, think with your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 She's not filing for divorce though because i threatened to go to her work about all of this. I threatened his job and her job, maybe not a good idea but for the sake of being honest it's what i did. Your marriage is over. You can't blackmale someone into loving you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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