What have you done to try and get him off your mind?

[LaylaSings]

I guess this would apply to the end of any relationship?

An affair has such a different dynamic though.

 

I have nobody to talk about any of this with.

Unless I talk to him.

I feel like it was much easier to get over every other past relationship than this. He occupies my thoughts almost constantly unless I have to be problem solving something else and even then.. I'm still often doing things with him in mind.

Every thing has suffered, every other relationship I have, every job I have, my house is a mess because I can't focus in anything other than him long enough to keep things up! Nobody else seems to notice these issues because they've happened slowly over the course of a year and a half maybe. But I know, I know I'm not myself.

 

I've tried the elastic band around my wrist (snapping at the thought of him) saw it suggested here, it lasted an hour, honestly, if you knew how close our family's are, I'd end up with a raw wound.

.. I've been to IC every week for a couple of months. I'm not feeling it's working at all. Because I understand the logic of all of this, but I can't get him out of my head. I do love him.

I tell myself his bad traits over and over, even look at unflattering pictures of him in an attempt to change my view of him being perfect for me! Pathetic I know.

 

What have you done to try and get over him, it stop thinking about him? Or her..

 

Not looking for advice here, especially about IC.. Just want to open the discussion about the sometimes sad things we do to get back to ourselves. I really just want back who I was before this.

Edited May 15, 2014 by LaylaSings

[Goodbye]

Well, I do think that getting over an affair is different than a regular relationship because almost always you grieve alone. Your friends aren't going to come running to eat ice cream with you while you get over a MM, that is just how it is.

 

Distraction and staying busy help. Making plans for the future, so you can look forward and not backward. I did IC, but my therapist didn't want to spend too much time on my grieving the MM issue...such a "taboo" I guess.

 

I've used food as a distraction and have packed on 30 pounds over the past 14 months. I will work on changing that.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[Mickey1982]

I guess this would apply to the end of any relationship?

An affair has such a different dynamic though.

 

I have nobody to talk about any of this with.

Unless I talk to him.

I feel like it was much easier to get over every other past relationship than this. He occupies my thoughts almost constantly unless I have to be problem solving something else and even then.. I'm still often doing things with him in mind.

Every thing has suffered, every other relationship I have, every job I have, my house is a mess because I can't focus in anything other than him long enough to keep things up! Nobody else seems to notice these issues because they've happened slowly over the course of a year and a half maybe. But I know, I know I'm not myself.

 

I've tried the elastic band around my wrist (snapping at the thought of him) saw it suggested here, it lasted an hour, honestly, if you knew how close our family's are, I'd end up with a raw wound.

.. I've been to IC every week for a couple of months. I'm not feeling it's working at all. Because I understand the logic of all of this, but I can't get him out of my head. I do love him.

I tell myself his bad traits over and over, even look at unflattering pictures of him in an attempt to change my view of him being perfect for me! Pathetic I know.

 

What have you done to try and get over him, it stop thinking about him? Or her..

 

Not looking for advice here, especially about IC.. Just want to open the discussion about the sometimes sad things we do to get back to ourselves. I really just want back who I was before this.

 

 

Just don't feel you are alone in what you are feeling......I could have written EXACTLY what you have beacuse our feelings are identical.

 

I'm almost 4 months of NC with him yet, I struggle with getting past the daily reminders of him and miss HIM still....ALL the time. I was hit with a major trigger yesterday which I won't get into, but I felt like he punched me in the gut all over again.

 

For me, time is my only healer. I am not as devastated as I was 4 months ago, but nothing has been able to move me thru this or remove his memory more than time itself.

 

HUGS...hang in there. And, know that I feel your pain....a pain like no other imaginable.

[gettingstronger]

OK ladies-not sure if this is helpful or not-but our IC (and many, many books) liken getting over infidelity to PTSD and give a timeline of 2-5 years-because in my mind the main issue is betrayal I would think that if you feel betrayed than no matter what side of the triangle the timeline would be similar-my point is-its normal to still be hurting and even though it will get easier in time, that underlying hurt remains for longer than you can imagine-not sure if the thought of another year or so of this helps or not, but hopefully the knowledge that you are not weak or pathetic just human should help-

[Fluttershy]

How can you effectively get him off your mind if you see him constantly? This path is ten times harder than normal and may be near impossible. As you are not open to any paths that would help you along I think digging in and holding on to your sanity is the only way. Time, basically. Think of it as having a really labour intensive project that you have to complete and buckle down and do it.

 

The elastic band only works if you immediently change your thought process and can take a month to have results (because we always indulge and cheat on or diets which lengthens the process)

 

Do you truly, in your hear want to be free of him? I don't mean actually feel you are over him but at least want to be in that place. That can make a huge difference to. If you haven't got to that place this will be harder as well. So another reason all there is left to do is grit your teeth and move forward.

 

Generaly, in a regular relationship a breakup occurs because one or both people isn't feeling it anymore. While that can happen in affairs to from what I have read it is usually because of either a DDay, One person wants more, or the guilt has become unbearable. Loss of fealings is not a factor this making moving on hard. When you are friends pretending nothing happened means you never process through or have a real breakup. Add that to someone or both who is still hanging on and pulling just a little while in the reality that is the affair... Yikes!

[LaylaSings]

Well, I do think that getting over an affair is different than a regular relationship because almost always you grieve alone. Your friends aren't going to come running to eat ice cream with you while you get over a MM, that is just how it is.

 

Distraction and staying busy help. Making plans for the future, so you can look forward and not backward. I did IC, but my therapist didn't want to spend too much time on my grieving the MM issue...such a "taboo" I guess.

 

I've used food as a distraction and have packed on 30 pounds over the past 14 months. I will work on changing that.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

 

I've been actually using exercise as an attempted distraction, I've lost 60 pounds since the affair started and 10 since trying to end it :/

But I think of him even on the treadmill.

 

When talking about making future plans and things to look forward too, the difficult part is, he's in all our future plans! Our families are completely connected.

[LaylaSings]

Just don't feel you are alone in what you are feeling......I could have written EXACTLY what you have beacuse our feelings are identical.

 

I'm almost 4 months of NC with him yet, I struggle with getting past the daily reminders of him and miss HIM still....ALL the time. I was hit with a major trigger yesterday which I won't get into, but I felt like he punched me in the gut all over again.

 

For me, time is my only healer. I am not as devastated as I was 4 months ago, but nothing has been able to move me thru this or remove his memory more than time itself.

 

HUGS...hang in there. And, know that I feel your pain....a pain like no other imaginable.

 

Stay strong. It does help to know I'm not alone, even though I'd never want someone to feel this way.

I am still on contact with him. He doesn't think it's over and I'm still going back and forth over if it really is, I know all the logic and I know we need to stop and we haven't done anything physical in 2 months.. But I still get messages from him, saying happy Mother's Day and that I looked beautiful when he saw me, that kind of thing. I try to keep my responses to the point but I still always respond. I'm pathetic I know!!

[LaylaSings]

No. I'm not in the right mindset to end it yet.

 

I still use all my wishes on him.

[Fluttershy]

No. I'm not in the right mindset to end it yet.

 

I still use all my wishes on him.

 

Well keep strong. Eventually your actions will effect your mindset. It will just take time. And maybe the point you will get to will be just a dull ache but anything is bette than this right?

 

You need to take up something that takes concentration. Martial arts or horseback riding (like real horseback riding not just getting on a trail horse and puttering around. Rock climbing or even put on the tv whiel exercising on something you find really interesting. I would say you have an obsession if it is consuming you to this point. Obsessions take the life put of you. Keep trying things until you get it.

[LaylaSings]

Well keep strong. Eventually your actions will effect your mindset. It will just take time. And maybe the point you will get to will be just a dull ache but anything is bette than this right?

 

You need to take up something that takes concentration. Martial arts or horseback riding (like real horseback riding not just getting on a trail horse and puttering around. Rock climbing or even put on the tv whiel exercising on something you find really interesting. I would say you have an obsession if it is consuming you to this point. Obsessions take the life put of you. Keep trying things until you get it.

 

Yes! I do think it's an obsession and I've thought so for some time.

I see signs every where that we are so perfect for each other but then I'll be logical and think to myself.. We would have been great as just friends, if we had never crossed the line how amazing that relationship could have been. But we did and can't go back to that so now it's this superficial friendship where we can't talk about things that really matter anymore without both feeling sick with guilt. We tainted what could have been special.

 

His wife has used the obsession word to describe how he acted about me. How he talked about me and that kind of thing, before the affair ever started. I think we both fed off each other's need for each other.. It's not healthy at all.

 

I've honestly been seriously considering going back on anti depressants to see if it helps at all.

[LaylaSings]

And yes, I do plan to end everything. I'm working towards that, two months then a slip up and it's since been another two months.

I don't want it to be over but keep thinking if I act like I do, he'll get the point and also eventually my thoughts will do a 180. I WANT to want to end it. I realize this is pathetic.

[sybo24]

I guess this would apply to the end of any relationship?

An affair has such a different dynamic though.

 

I have nobody to talk about any of this with.

Unless I talk to him.

I feel like it was much easier to get over every other past relationship than this. He occupies my thoughts almost constantly unless I have to be problem solving something else and even then.. I'm still often doing things with him in mind.

Every thing has suffered, every other relationship I have, every job I have, my house is a mess because I can't focus in anything other than him long enough to keep things up! Nobody else seems to notice these issues because they've happened slowly over the course of a year and a half maybe. But I know, I know I'm not myself.

 

I've tried the elastic band around my wrist (snapping at the thought of him) saw it suggested here, it lasted an hour, honestly, if you knew how close our family's are, I'd end up with a raw wound.

.. I've been to IC every week for a couple of months. I'm not feeling it's working at all. Because I understand the logic of all of this, but I can't get him out of my head. I do love him.

I tell myself his bad traits over and over, even look at unflattering pictures of him in an attempt to change my view of him being perfect for me! Pathetic I know.

 

What have you done to try and get over him, it stop thinking about him? Or her..

 

Not looking for advice here, especially about IC.. Just want to open the discussion about the sometimes sad things we do to get back to ourselves. I really just want back who I was before this.

 

Snap. I could have wrote this. 4 mths and still think of him all the time.

Wish I had some advice but so far I've tried everything. Holidays with my childre, and weekends away with friends. Volunteering. Exercise. Mindfulness. I just want the day to come when I can get through just one day with the pain when I think of him.

It will come I know it will be strong xx