Is this abuse, or am I too sensitive? [VERY LONG]

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

I'll start off by saying I have OCD. This is unfortunately one of those diagnoses everyone thinks they know about (It means you check if the oven is on and wash your hands a lot right? wrong) but actually probably don't unless you

a) suffer from it or

b) know someone who does.

 

I mean as great as Jack Nicholson was in As Good As It Gets, owning a copy on VHS doesn't really count as insider knowledge but I digress

 

For- ME - one of my personal main symptoms of OCD means I have a lot of guilt when it comes to bad things people do to me.

I fear I am making it up,

I fear I am exaggerating,

I fear I'm a bad person who made it happen.

 

I belong to a couple OCD support groups so I can assure you this is pretty common. Half of us wonder if we even have OCD and worry we somehow lied to get the diagnoses.. It's all part and parcel really. It can be very frustrating, and kind of scary not to trust your own thoughts and feelings.

 

Anyway the reason I mention this is to explain why I would possibly feel the need to make a post in which I need validation, or reassurance that what I have gone through with my (extremely recent) ex bf was in fact abuse.

 

Another important factor to take into account is the time I spent married to a man who was an alcoholic, who physically and mentally abused me before leaving me for the OW.

In comparison to that man, I feel like I'm willing to overlook a lot of abusive behavior from other people/men with the justification "Hey it's nowhere near as bad as that"

 

If anyone has the time to read through this NOVEL of text and share your thoughts I'd be really appreciative.

 

 

I met C on the internet, in a videogame although we live in the same city.

We became best friends very quickly and it was obvious we had feelings beyond friendship for one another but he refused to meet me. This caused me a lot of anguish and many of my friends suggest I walk away, but I didn't. I knew in my heart this was going to work out and I really wanted it to.

 

Suddenly out of nowhere he disappeared. He did not log into the game anymore. I had no other way of communicating with him, no telephone number, no address, just an email address I knew he didn't ever look at.

 

I did send one email a few weeks after he disappeared with a casual "hey where ya been? hope you're okay"

It was very difficult to appear so casual because I felt like my heart had been ripped through my butt, and I was crying myself to sleep at night.

 

4 months went by and I was just starting to move on with my life, when he reappeared as suddenly as he had disappeared. I made the justification that since we had not actually met irl, or called ourselves bf/gf he had every right to go offline, he didn't owe me anything. I still wanted to be with this guy, and I didn't want to rock the boat so I just acted casual, welcoming him back from wherever he had been.

 

I want to explain that I realize how pathetic this sounds, but even though we had not yet met I felt I was in love with this man.

I had been single for almost SEVEN YEARS by this time, following the end of my marriage. I was unable to date men in a normal way, because my experiences with my x-husband left me devastated, and unable to so much as kiss another man without trembling in fear.

C had also been single for almost 7 years after the breakup of his LTR (9 years) with his xgf B

For this reason (and because we shared very similar abusive pasts, including both being homeless as teenagers) I felt he could understand me in a way no other man could EVER possibly understand me.

It also meant a lot to me that he never acted perverted around me, we never discussed sex, he never made gross flirtatious comments to me, he made me feel incredibly comfortable and we were totally inseparable.

 

Those first few months as friends, we spent a lot of time talking about our past relationships. Me about my abuse, and he about how much he had loved her, how gorgeous and perfect she looked etc etc. At first I thought it was really sweet how much he had loved her, and I think a good man does not trash his x.

As time went on though it seemed sort of creepy how he'd get started on a loop mentioning over and over how beautiful she was, and it was hurting my feelings. I'd mention my desire to talk about something else but he seemed almost incapable of stopping.

He later justified this by explaining his newly budding feelings for me, reminded him of his feelings for her. (lame excuse after the 50th time if you ask me). But the damage was done, I was officially really insecure about this woman.

 

I'm a grown woman in my 30's with a child, I mean I don't really want to be compared to the memory of the perfect body of a 19 year old (the age his x gf was when they first started dating.)

 

In any case after his return from his 4 month sabbatical (of which I was never given a good reason until a few days ago, although in all fairness didnt really push for one either) things moved quickly. We met irl, and immediately became bf/gf at which point I was of course privy to his home address, (turns out we live 15 min from one another) telephone number, etc etc. he was always extremely available, always went out of his way to call me, and make plans etc and never pulled any disappearing acts, He was FULLY committed to us.

 

HOWEVER It became obvious to me immediately after we met irl, one of the big reasons he had been afraid to meet me for so long is a lot of what he had lead me to believe about himself was a lie. He often mentioned his house, and car but in fact he lives in his grandmothers basement, and gets lifts in her car (he doesn't even have a license) He often said "I am not fat at all" which I kind of doubted cause when we spoke on voice chat, I could just tell, the way he breathed etc that he was a bigger guy, but in every photo he ever showed me he was a well built man without glasses. The photos he showed me are several years old because he is in fact so large my scale says error when he stands on it,(so well over 300 pounds) and he wears glasses. He also doesn’t have a job and claims he has no interest in having a job.

 

It was like an episode of that show catfish.

 

Now lemme just say, I am no beauty queen, though I have quite an attractive face I have struggled with my weight my entire life, and my jobs (when I'm not in school, and when my OCD isn't making me housebound) consist of minimum wage call centre garbage. I am not a shallow woman by nature and considering I also do not drive, am a single mom, etc etc all of his "downsides" were things I could overlook. To me, he was the love of my life, the funniest man I’ve ever met, I loved his big barrel chest and gorgeous blue eyes but the DECEPTION is not something I've ever really been able to get over. I was always 100% honest about who I am, what I look like, and my less than desirable situation in life.

 

From the very start of our irl relationship he started “teasing” me about my appearance. He’d refer to my outfits as “tardfits” I remember one particularly hurtful incident where we planned to meet somewhere and I put on what I thought was an adorable little ensemble, flowing knee length white skirt, with cowboy boots, and indeed several men hollered at me as I walked by them, or they drove by me saying I looked good, but the moment he saw me he started laughing and asked me wtf I was wearing. I felt ashamed, humiliated, and very very small. One only has to google white skirt cowboy boots to realize this is a common combination in fashion, when I mention this to him he laughed again and said, what, walmart fashion?

A few weeks ago I met up with him, I hadn’t seen him in a while and the very first thing he says to me is “you need a new jacket”. He knows my financial situation, he knows I would LOVE to buy new clothes but I can’t. Every extra bit of money I have goes towards the new clothes my almost 11 year old needs, not me. (as it should be) It was just so hurtful, why is that the first thing he is saying to me when we meet? I held in my tears, just barely.

 

What makes it extra obnoxious is the hypocrisy of it. He has gained so much weight in such a short period of time that NONE of his clothes even fit, so he has one old ratty ripped pair of absolutely hideous jeans his grandmother bought him second hand. ONE. And 2 or 3 shirts even he hates.

I NEVER made degrading comments about his disgusting lack of style/wardrobe options until about 8 months of hearing him do it to me and I finally broke down and told him what a hypocrite he is and how awful his own ONE OUTFIT looked. He looked stunned..

 

He referred to my very long, dyed red hair (my pride and joy) as RonaldMcRats nest.

He made this reference so often I ended up cutting my hair extremely short, and I have never regretted anything so much in my life.

 

I went on birth control, and between the hormone changes, and my horrible habit of eating my emotions (plus all the unhealthy snacks hed request I buy when he was over) I started to gain weight. His nick-name for me was often Lady-baby but he started referring to me as his lardy-baby.

 

I stopped even trying to put together cute outfits because it gave me panic attacks knowing he’d just laugh at me. I just started wearing track pants and sweatshirts and completely gave up on makeup or accessories. Prior to this I had been well known to my friends as someone who really prided myself on my appearance and my unique style.

 

I have been trying to put myself through adult high school, to pursue my dream of going to University to become a midwife .

Whenever I did well on a test (always) C reminded me why doing well in “a school for retards” didn’t mean anything. C has an incredibly high IQ and all subjects come very easily to him. I have a hard time with math and science and I had requested he help me when I was having a problem understanding something for my science class.

He got frustrated with my inability to retain what he explained to me, for more than a day or two, befoe needing him to explain it again . he told me my “brain was retarded”, and that if I was unable to grasp simple science meant for 14 year old kids I sure shouldn’t bother trying to go to university. I was actually doing well in the class and received a lot of positive feedback from my teacher.

 

By this point I had gained so much weight, and was so embarrassed about my bad haircut, and to top it off, being told by my own BF that I shouldn’t even bother, I couldn’t face going in any more and I dropped out of school.

 

I know it is my responsibility to improve my own life, and he didn’t MAKE me drop out (or cut my hair, or stop wearing nice clothes), but his comments and general unsupportive attitude devastated me until I lost any motivation to bother.

I told him several times that his constant nitpicking of my flaws, and inability to compliment me, were crushing my self esteem. He didn’t seem overly concerned, and nothing changed. I will take responsibility for not walking away sooner, but it is difficult to care enough about yourself to walk away, when you are being treated like this. Before him, I was in school AND had a job, AND maintained my weight, and parenting. My friends cannot believe how much I have changed in such a short time.

 

If I started to tell him something I was proud of, he would interrupt me mid sentence MID SENTENCE to tell me why it wasn’t a big deal, and to tell me a story of how he had done something similar, but actually way better… a story he had already told me half a dozen times.

 

 

When I got evicted so that my very elderly landlords (who lived upstairs) could hire a live in nurse who would be needing my apartment, my OCD went into a bit of a panic.. C promised he would help me, but I could tell he was really annoyed with my inability to organize quickly.

I kept getting “stuck”. (This is a common OCD problem., wanting to do it so perfectly, you get stuck doing an irrelevant thing over and over and over and actually getting nothing done.)

I’m not gonna lie, as someone new to the relationship I understand it must have been a shock to watch me act like a helpless child. I felt like a helpless child, scared, anxious, worried etc etc

, I was SO overwhelmed with dealing with my OCD, and a short notice move and rather than helping he would lay on my bed watching me have a panic attack, watching me surrounded by boxes, and clutter, crying with frustration over my inability to pack everything up, and my fear I would not find a new apartment in time, etc

,He make comments about how I was doing things incorrectly, without any advice on how to do it properly, and certainly not pitching a hand in.

 

If he had broken up with me, at this time I would actually understand why but he didn’t leave he didn’t even mention wanting to break up, he just stared at me like I was a freak and offered no help other than criticism.

It seemed, cold, and cruel , and on the day of the move, he did his staring at me, watching me panic, thing and then just left before the movers showed up. He made sure to show up at the new place, hours later in time to eat though.

 

If we got into a heated argument and he went outside to cool off, he’d often call me later to let me know he had gotten into a fight with someone, and beaten them up. He wanted me to know.

Now he never ever touched me in a violent way, or ever even threatened too, I have never feared for my own safety but this childish way of blaming me for the now broken face of some poor schlub on the street is ludicrous.

 

I know he has some personal code of conduct, he would never ever hit a kid, or teenager, or female, he would never hit anyone who did not make a move to hit him first, BUT I also know he’s a sly, and manipulative guy and he would definitely say awful things to provoke someone to make the first move. (racism, etc)

Looks can be deceiving, while yes he is a fat guy in glasses, he also weight trains, and has boxing experience, more importantly he grew up street fighting. We live in a very tough neighbourhood/ghetto. He is a very very strong man, with a LOT of street fighting experience and some poor guy on the street being provoked into fighting him has no idea what’s about to happen. It’s not fair, it’s not cool, and him going out of his way to tell me about it is just.. ugh. Disgusting really.

 

I finally had enough of all of this when he had a fit over the most childish ridiculous thing possible. It was the last straw for me.

 

A videogame we play which has 3 main factions, lets call them red, blue and purple. Normally we play red, and once you’ve invested time into a character you cannot transfer any of your guns, or experience to another one. We play together ALL the time, and the amount of stupid arguments we have had mostly because he nitpicks every way I suck at the game - and I do suck at videogames- , and never ever compliments me for doing well (I may not be a good player but I am a loyal player and I play support class, usually repairing/healing HIM which he never thanks me for) is just obscene.

 

I have not enjoyed playing with him in ages, but it’s the only thing we both enjoy.

 

He absolutely makes no concessions, no compromises whatsoever, he won’t do the things I enjoy , I don’t get to pick tv shows or movies, not once in the year weve dated would he watch even one episode of something *I* like that he doesn’t particularly care for (and I don’t mean sex in the city, or girls)

. We do not go on walks or hikes, even though I mentioned wanting to do this with my partner when I have one, before we got together.. He will not read books to me, or let me read them to him, yet again something I said I like to do with my partner when I have one.. He was all into the idea of this until we got together and I can assure you it’s not something we have done EVEN ONCE. Not once.

 

So this dumb videogame is it.

 

Sometimes my friend W plays with us. W is a guy but he’s gay and I mention that only to clarify C has no problem with me spending time alone with W out of any jealousy issues. So one night C is sleeping during the time we normally play this game, and W and I decide to make Purple characters for a joke. We even agree we won’t play purple guys if C is online, we will still play red with him.

 

Sometime in the early morning long after W has gone to bed, C calls me on skype. I excitedly start telling him how well I’m doing in the game, for once and while I am talking he is looking up how many people are on and some other info and informs me coldly, that Im not really doing good at all because –insert dumb reasons to do with how many people are playing at that time of morning – . I know it’s just a game, but I was pretty proud of myself, for performing what I thought of as some pretty cool James Bond kinda moves, and it hurt my feelings he was being so rude and unsupportive of something I was proud of.

 

He goes on to tell me how it’s “shameful” I would create a purple character because they are all –insert multiple homophobic expletives-. He goes on a long winded tirade about how lame the lore behind that faction is, and all I am thinking of is. I don’t care about the lore, I just like the colour purple, and no matter how lame the lore may be, knowing it, and actually caring one iota about it, is far lamer… He proceeds to log in, find me, and kill my character,

I’m literally close to tears at this point he is being so mean over NOTHING. He tries to justify himself by saying “youre ruining the only thing we do together” and I’m like, the fact that this is the Only thing we do together, is in and of itself a problem.

 

 

The next day I think we are over this nonsense, and he calls me on skype, and he just starts telling me he is killing purple guys because he hates them and loves killing them so much…I mean it was passive aggression at its most obvious and pathetic. I hung up and he demanded to know “what now” as though he didn’t know.

 

It ended up being a self-fulfilling prophesy because after his tantrum I really didn’t want to play with him. In fact I cancelled a rl hangout-date we had the following day because, tbh I was feeling so depressed over this stupidity, I didn’t even want to get dressed. I was anxious at the prospect of more arguing.

he had a habit of telling me he was going to come over, and then waiting until really late that day to finally tell me he wasn’t. I would wait allll day excited about seeing him only to find out at the very last moment, it wasn’t happening.

He’d stand me up like this almost weekly, sometimes 3 or 4 times in a row. No matter how much it hurt me, he continued to do it, and I contemplated doing the same to him, but wanted to be the bigger person. I left him a msg on skype letting him know I didn’t feel well and didn’t want to hang out. He didn’t bother to read my msg to him, and ended up doing to himself, what he has done to me so many times before.

 

I should mention, though I do not think this is part of his abuse but rather, something else entirely, but also damaging to myself esteem, and part of the reason I did not want him over is that I was also anxious about sleeping with him.. He had stopped kissing me within the first few weeks of getting together and stopped caring if I was enjoying myself in bed, He liked cuddling, but he just wouldn’t touch me, or make sure I was having a good time when we made love, He didn’t care.

It made me feel incredibly unattractive and stupid. The not kissing me thing he claims was his own embarrassment about his bleeding gums or some nonsense but it made me feel like his prostitute. I had mentioned how much this upset me many many times, and he’d just say “I just don’t really like kissing”

Last week He told me he started using a mouth wash that would fix the gums, and I just had a feeling that mouthwash or not he still wasn’t going to kiss me, and I felt anxious about it, so I just didn’t even wanna set myself up for that disappointment.

 

So Friday night my friend W was online. I almost always play games with W on Fridays because he is busy the rest of the week with work. We don’t normally play the purple red blue game, buyt out of character for us, we just decided to play purple guys that night.. Our mutual friend T had just been dumped by her bf D after 2 years and she was heartbroken, we consoled her as best we could on skype call, while half-heartedly playing purple guys, just for something to do with our hands while we talked.

 

I get a msg in game from C asking if we will play red with him. I tell him sure but not right now because we are talking to T who just got dumped, and it doesn’t make sense to play together if we can’t talk together as a team (keep in mind Friday is almost always me and W time together and again, W is gay so this isn’t a jealous cause I’m hanging out with a guy, sort of problem.. I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate or unusual for Friday night, or wrong, at all). So an hour later I get a childish message from C to never mind he’s done playing and he has deleted the game and im ruining our relationship, and hes going for a walk… He didn’t log back on all night.

 

Our one year anniversary was the next day.. on Saturday,

 

I send him an offline msg saying he is being ridiculous, and that Im Busy with my friend who needs me, and I haven’t really enjoyed playing with him in a while anyway, and its really disgusting to me that he never ever wants to go for walks with me, but he will go for a walk, just to get away from me when hes mad.. and that he has a choice, he can grow up and come over to my house and celebrate our anniversary together and have a nice day or I am taking a break.

I notice him come online long enough to read my msg, Saturday morning and then log off again without a word. (He usually does not log off, ever)

 

I had been disappointed with no present, on my birthday, at Christmas, and on valentines day. I knew he had some money saved up from helping his aunt with some electric repairs in her home however, so I told myself, this is It, if he shows up for our anniversary without a gift I am doing NC and taking a break..

I never imagined he would be so cruel as to just not show up at all.

When he finally got in contact with me Sunday night, I told him I was done and needed a NC break.

He had DESTROYED our anniversary. I had finally had ENOUGH.

 

After a bit of a tantrum in which he told me there was no proof that was our anniversary anyway, and he didn’t care about anniversaries, and I was the one ruining our relationship with the game etc etc

He tried explaining he was upset about the game because it reminded him of his X GF distancing herself

He tried asking me to make it 30 days instead of 60 days because he missed me already

He apologized for not coming to our anniversary and knew it was wrong.

 

Don’t care.

Too little too late.

 

I brought up all the things he has done to hurt me over the last 2 years, in cluding disappearing for 4 months.

He explained that his internet got shut off, and he was too embarrassed to tell me at the time. If he thinks that makes it better he is sadly mistaken, I told him that his own embarrassment took precedence over MY feelings. I cried myself to sleep every damn night for 3 of those 4 months, feeling abandoned, and stupid.

If he had just TOLD me the TRUTH at the time, or god forbid, given me his telephone number and kept in touch, it would have spared me months on end of emotional HELL.

 

I had him pick up his stuff, and buried inside the bag I had left a note which listed all the pros and cons of being his girlfriend. Under pros I had written,

I love him

I like cuddling with him

He fixes stuff in my house when it breaks

He fixes my computer when it has issues

He cooks really well.

 

Under cons, it went on and on and on listing everyyyythiiing,

On a separate piece of paper I simply wrote.

 

This is not what love looks like.

This is not what love feels like.

[ayala]

Certainly abusive. While I can't directly understand OCD to the extent as some people, I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some of it is similar in that they never feel sure about themselves, trust their own thoughts, and never feel sure of their own thoughts. Always living in a life of uncertainty. You begin to mistrust yourself.

 

To the point. No one ever has the right to put the blame of a relationship on the other person if they're too blind to see their own faults. He saw none of his and it seems to me, the way you described him, that he thought too highly of himself and how he's too perfect to make mistakes.

 

He refuses to see his own flaws. He doesn't see his own cause and effect. He doesn't know what respect is.

 

This is not how someone treats the person they love.

 

They treat people they love with respect. They're HONEST and genuinely care. They're always there when you need the support. They never mock you. They'll tease you, but you'll know they mean it in a loving way.

 

Even on the first meeting. To lie so much about himself. It's common to over-exaggerate in hopes to impress a person, but not so much that he's entirely different.

 

Comparing you to his ex? You can't seriously expect to be in another relationship if you're so obviously not over your ex. I understand for there to be misunderstandings and mistrust but you do not ever want to compare your current bf/gf to your ex. They're not the same person. They never will be.

 

As far as video games, yes they can ruin a relationship if someone is addicted to it, doesn't see it or doesn't do anything about it, and literally has no life outside of it. The way I see it, you're not at fault. Just because you play a game together, doesn't mean you always have to be allies. It's enjoyable once in awhile to fight against each other. It lets you test each others' skill.

The problem is the moment he decided to quit and blame you.

 

You are not at fault. You are not "too sensitive" about this. This is abusive behavior.

 

Part of your sensitivity might stem from your own insecurity, though. If you know how to sew, maybe you could make your own new wardrobe from old clothes. Use a different design, whatever. You're still beautiful in your own way. You don't need to be ultra thin or ultra fit. You just need to find what works for you and be confident about how that is who you are. Confidence is key. Your lack of self-confidence is what let him blame you.

 

You also need to communicate. I don't mean just talking about something (your past, your job, etc), I mean actually communicating. You have to be open about how conflicted your feelings are. You already don't trust your own judgment and you need to make that clear to the other person. If you can't be open and honest with how you feel - no matter how conflicted and confused or unsure you are - how can you be sure your relationship will grow? How will you be sure you were listened to?

 

(An attractive woman will still be insecure no matter how many compliments she gets. To truly feel attractive, she has to see it HERSELF. She cannot rely on another person to make her feel pretty. She has to find it within herself her positives and negatives, accept them, work with them, and find what makes her feel comfortable with herself.)

 

In the end, it's very abusive behavior on his part. He's putting his blame on you. The moment he blames you is the moment he victimizes himself when he's the one at fault. Never let a man blame you for THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR. It's not your responsibility. It's his. You're responsible for your own. Not someone else's.

 

He had his chance. It's up to you to give him another. If you do, consider setting standards for him to meet (within reason) before. Otherwise who knows what crap he'll pull. He lied before. He will again. He hurt you once, it's up to you if you'll let him hurt you twice.

 

You're a strong woman. Not everyone would accept it as the end of the relationship. Stay strong. You're not alone. Never let someone break you.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

I want to genuinely thank you for taking the time to read all I wrote, and to write such a genuine reply, It means the world to me right now.

 

You're not the first person to suggest he sounds like someone who might have BPD, the irony is he blamed his last gf leaving him on her BPD.

He absolutely thought very highly of himself. or more aptly he had horrible self esteem he would never in a million years admit to having, and hid it behind this hugely giant ego.

 

He was also horrible negative and nasty about everyone and everything, every band, every artist every show, every book every author, it was all crap and anyone who liked them was crap. It felt so OPRESSIVE!

 

I felt truly attractive for several years until this relationship, and all my years of working on my self esteem went the wayside.

I'm really mad at myself for allowing that to happen.

 

I'm tired of giving off this vibe to abusive people that I am going to take it, it's like they SMELL IT.

 

I don't want to have to be alone for the rest of my damn life. I don't want to be punished for having a **** childhood, which turned into a **** marriage which turned into 7 years single working on me, and look how easily all that work has gone down the toilet? Over some lying neckbeard loser.

 

Ugh

Edited May 15, 2014 by NotYourBabyAnymore

[snappytomcat]

wow,this was a long read

does he work?i don't get the whole video game thing,cause I would rather be outside doing something,gardening,walking the dogs etc.

sounds like he is emotionally abusive,and I feel he puts you down,because he feels disgusted with himself,so by putting you down,it makes him feel better about himself.

if I were you I would go no contact with him,and just take care of you,and your daughter,this sounds like a very toxic relationship.

do.n't count on other people for your happiness,only you can do that.

work on yourself first,and this jerk isn't helping your self esteem,or anything in your life for that matter,he wants you to be as miserable as he is.

[d0nnivain]

I did not read the whole thing. It broke my heart too much on your behalf.

 

 

I'm no mental health professional but he sounds flat out mean. You may be sensitive which makes all of this worse. I am not very sensitive & let me tell you some of what he's repeatedly doing to you is just awful. I wouldn't stand for it.

 

 

Based on your explanation of OCD & what it does to your life, you staying with this guy is just a bad idea. He will simply beat you down. You can't let him so you have to walk away.

 

 

If he was being kind & your feelings were still getting hurt, my advice may be different

 

 

You already know he's homophobic, prone to exaggeration (I'm trying to not call him an outright liar based on his representations regarding the car, his living arrangements & weight) and unreliable because he didn't help you enough when you had to move even though he said he'd be there for you.

 

 

What is the upside to keeping him in your life?

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

snappy -

Sounds about right. he has to put everyone and everything around him down to feel better about himself.

 

No he does not work. He does nothing. He brags about his high IQ and how he could do anything, yet he does nothing.

 

I did not rely on him for my happiness, I learned that lesson in past relationships, but he made it very very difficult to be happy. He is a very negative person.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

I did not read the whole thing. It broke my heart too much on your behalf.

 

 

I'm no mental health professional but he sounds flat out mean. You may be sensitive which makes all of this worse. I am not very sensitive & let me tell you some of what he's repeatedly doing to you is just awful. I wouldn't stand for it.

 

 

Based on your explanation of OCD & what it does to your life, you staying with this guy is just a bad idea. He will simply beat you down. You can't let him so you have to walk away.

 

 

If he was being kind & your feelings were still getting hurt, my advice may be different

 

 

You already know he's homophobic, prone to exaggeration (I'm trying to not call him an outright liar based on his representations regarding the car, his living arrangements & weight) and unreliable because he didn't help you enough when you had to move even though he said he'd be there for you.

 

 

What is the upside to keeping him in your life?

 

at the end of my giant novel (I know it was really long lol) I said that I was starting 60 days NC

He failed to show up to our anniversary over a petty argument to do with a video game and Im done.

 

In the bag of his stuff I packed up for him i I had left a note which listed all the pros and cons of being his girlfriend. Under pros I had written,

I love him

I like cuddling with him

He fixes stuff in my house when it breaks

He fixes my computer when it has issues

He cooks really well.

 

Under cons, it went on and on and on listing everyyyythiiing,

On a separate piece of paper I simply wrote.

 

This is not what love looks like.

This is not what love feels like.

 

Thans for your reply d0nnivain

[d0nnivain]

Sorry I missed the important part. Good for you going NC.

 

 

I wouldn't give him the pro & con note. The other one is fine but he won't understand.

 

 

As for the "good stuff" you can pay somebody to do a lot of that & you will feel a lot better about yourself. No matter how much those things cost they are still cheaper to buy with cash then your self esteem.

 

 

As you heal you will find somebody better to love & cuddle. Good luck.

[pteromom]

Yes, he is certainly emotionally abusive.

 

But that doesn't even matter.

 

Nor does it matter if you are "too sensitive" or if your OCD may be lending to your own issues in the relationship.

 

What matters is this: This relationship does not meet your needs.

 

Sit and make a list of what you want in a relationship... don't think about your boyfriend. Just live in a dream world and write down what your perfect relationship would look like.

 

Just going by what you've written, it may include:

 

- Accepts me as I am.

- Appreciates my uniqueness.

- Kisses me.

- Cuddles me.

- Wants me to be happy.

- Supports me and my goals.

- Is proud of my accomplishments.

- Wants to have new experiences with me.

- Laughs with me.

- Looks at me with love.

- Plays games with me in a fun, inclusive way.

- Treats me respectfully.

- Tries to understand my OCD and helps me out when he can.

- Works WITH me to solve issues in our relationship.

 

Feel free to add whatever you want!

 

But reading this list above, do you believe there is a such thing as a relationship that includes these things? Do you believe it is POSSIBLE to find?

 

If so, why settle for someone who makes you feel worthless, horrible, and calls you names?

 

It doesn't matter what label you put on it. Abusive, NPD, BPD, mean, cruel, or even just differing values and expectations. The fact is this relationship isn't what you want. This GUY isn't what you want.

 

And it is OK to walk away. You are not wrong.

 

Another thing I will add is that it is likely that his mocking when it comes to your hair, clothing, and weight was intentional to make you "uglier" so you wouldn't leave him for a better guy. If he could keep you down, he could keep you. After all, he's a fat, slobby, jobless, carless, living-with-grandma dude who is lucky to get a girl like you in the first place... and he knows it. So cast off all his cruel words and don't let them define you. Your hair is beautiful. Your clothes were cute. Your goals are worthwhile. You are fine as you are.

 

Move on and DO NOT LOOK BACK. Do not settle for this version of "love".

 

Lastly - read the Corinthians definition of love. Whether or not you are a believer, the definition is spot on. Make it your yardstick for a relationship.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

pteromom

 

beautifully put thank you for your words. I take them to heart.

 

I agree about him making me uglier to prevent me from leaving and have accused him of exactly that. Of course he denied it, but he also denies being insecure so whatevs. I don't believe a word that comes out of his face.

 

If he had been a really kind person I could have overlooked all the shallow stuff, but he isn't and I won't overlook it any more. Ever again, from anyone.

[pteromom]

I agree about him making me uglier to prevent me from leaving and have accused him of exactly that. Of course he denied it, but he also denies being insecure so whatevs. I don't believe a word that comes out of his face.

 

Of course he denied it! If he admitted something like that, it would give you all the power. There are only two circumstances where he would admit that:

 

- he admits it as a manipulative tactic to make you THINK you are in power, so that he can weasel his way back in to you

 

or

 

- he admits it after months or years of intensive individual therapy, where he learned about his issues and why he treated you the way he did.

 

If he had been a really kind person I could have overlooked all the shallow stuff, but he isn't and I won't overlook it any more. Ever again, from anyone.

 

Good for you!

 

Kindess and respect really are the basic foundation for love. With those two ingredients, you can work through almost anything else. Without them, the relationship will never be able to grow.

 

I've posted this before, but being as you are new 'round these parts, it bears repeating.

 

There's a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" (which you should buy, by the way). The author discusses two types of approaches to relationship conflict.

 

Evans' book goes into great detail about the two separate realities the abuser and the partner live in.

 

The two realities are called Reality 1, which the abuser lives in, and Reality 2 which the partner lives in. Both realities deal with power but in different ways. Reality 1 deals with “Power-Over”, and Reality 2 deals with “Empowerment”. The problem comes along when the partner, living in Reality 2, thinks the abuser is also living in Reality 2.

 

 

“Power-Over” is just that: Power over anything and anyone. Everything is weighed by the abuser as a win or lose situation, even those casual conversations that you may define as trivial. To feel good the abuser must always win at all costs and only the abuser can define a “win”. It is a “me first” kind of reality where everything is geared around self.

 

 

“Empowerment”, in Reality 2, is gained by living a life of mutuality where there is support, trust, assurance and encouragement. The partner always wants the best for and thinks the best of their spouse or significant other. They also unknowingly believe their spouse or significant other is thinking the same way they are. If there is an argument, the partner thinks if they only explain themselves to their abuser, he/she will someday understand – there will be an “Ah-hah” moment and everything will be better.

 

 

 

Unfortunately this does not happen. The abuser, living in Reality 1, does not care for explanations. The abuser is only concerned with winning and “Power-Over”.

 

 

Your boyfriend was a "reality one" person. His goal was never to work together to solve a problem, but to have power over you and/or power in the situation.

 

His mindset could be due to past abuse in his own life, or could be related to the lack of power he has in his own life, since he has and is NOTHING.

 

 

But either way, he is incapable of the "Reality Two" relationship you want, where the goal is to know each other, understand each other, and compromise in a way that both people are happy and fulfilled. He is NOT CAPABLE.

 

 

Keep this in mind as you move forward to dating other people. Watch for signs that the person doesn't respect and accept your differing opinions on topics you discuss. Watch for signs that he is interested in truly KNOWING you versus interested in simply getting you to let him in (figuratively and literally!)

 

 

And do not settle for less. There's no point in trying to create a relationship with someone who will never help you nurture it so it can grow into something deep and beautiful.

[snappytomcat]

snappy -

Sounds about right. he has to put everyone and everything around him down to feel better about himself.

 

No he does not work. He does nothing. He brags about his high IQ and how he could do anything, yet he does nothing.

 

I did not rely on him for my happiness, I learned that lesson in past relationships, but he made it very very difficult to be happy. He is a very negative person.

ages ago I was in an abusive relationship it started out as emotional abuse,putting me down,saying I was fat(when I weighed 110 pounds)told me no one else would ever want me,what he was doing was controlling me,he wanted me to believe these things about myself,so I only depended on him,cause he was a loser and he knew it,but it made him feel like a big mach man to put lil ole me down,then it turned to physical abuse,and he had me believe that if I left him he would kill my family or pets,i was scared to death of him,i hated him

one of the best days in my life is when I told him to F8CK OFF,for 3 years I was with this sociopath,he got some sort of thrill putting me down,or hitting me,this loser had no job either,so that's another reason they feel inferior,and want you to feel inferior to them.

this is my fear for you,cause I always said he might be emotionally abusive,but he would never hit me,hes a good guy he helps old ladies cross the street kind of guy WRONG,these men are predators,and they can sense someone whos fragile

please don't go back to him,you deserve better

[pteromom]

ages ago I was in an abusive relationship it started out as emotional abuse,putting me down,saying I was fat(when I weighed 110 pounds)told me no one else would ever want me,what he was doing was controlling me,he wanted me to believe these things about myself,so I only depended on him

 

Exactly right!

 

I am sorry you went through that and wish you a much happier, much loved future.

[ayala]

You're not the first person to suggest he sounds like someone who might have BPD, the irony is he blamed his last gf leaving him on her BPD.

 

Lol well I said what I did because my boyfriend has BPD but I love him all the same. It's difficult but when something comes up that we disagree on, we always-always talk it through thoroughly (even if it takes hours and a couple days) and work out a compromise.

 

Hoping you're doing well.

 

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Never.

Once abuse is involved and ongoing, I'm sorry but it's time to say good bye.

 

Like pteromom said. Build standards for yourself and stick to them. Gain your self respect and be confident with who you are. Don't let anyone take that away. No one is worth feeling crap about.

[Raena]

Yes it is abuse. Don't second guess yourself on this. He emotionally abused you over and over again. You know it very well and you did the right thing by going no contact.

 

I know it's hard to walk away but you are doing the right thing for you. Go back to school, get back to exercising, drop the video games for a bit and start doing things to make yourself feel better. Just take it one step at a time. It doesn't matter if those steps are teeny as long as you are taking steps.

 

I don't personally think you should even bother with putting a time limit on when the NC will end. As far as I'm concerned, this guy should never have the opportunity to come anywhere near you ever again.

 

Be your own biggest ally and believe in YOU. You can do it!

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

I started reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".

 

I pride myself on being an effective communicator, I work in sales, I write, I maintain lifelong friendships, I make a small child understand the world around her/consequences/whatever.

My friends would absolutely consider me to be an eloquent speaker, able to convey my thoughts poignantly.

 

It never made much sense to me, that a man with a legitimate "genius IQ" able to understand quantum physics and string theory was completely unable to understand me explaining my feelings or side of a story.

Ever.

No matter how I phrased it, or what angle I tried to approach the subject from he was incapable of looking beyond a small detail in the bigger picture, that was mostly irrelevant but which made him "right".

He would repeatedly and without fail, misconstrue what I was saying.

 

Already, this book is speaking my language.

[regine_phalange]

Wow, this was depressing. Ditch the jerk and go find a gentle, responsible, sweet, sexy, clean man who loves and appreciates you. Someone who makes you feel good and feminine in his presence. Someone who is supportive in hard times. And call the repairman for the rest.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Thanks for your reply regine.

 

I agree, it was an eye opener when I wrote that pros and cons list, that the only thing I consider to be pros in our relationship were things I could get with literally ANYONE ELSE, and without all the other garbage.

 

Unlike any breakup I have ever gone through before, I am feeling relief, and strength rather than sadness and hopelessness.

 

I believe I am officially not in love with this man any more.

[snappytomcat]

Exactly right!

 

I am sorry you went through that and wish you a much happier, much loved future.

thank you pteromom

[pteromom]

I started reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".

 

Good! I found that book very helpful too. Hopefully you see that nothing he said about you is true, and that it was ALL in order to gain power over you. Never let his voice whisper negative things to you again, even from inside your own head.

 

I pride myself on being an effective communicator...It never made much sense to me, that a man with a legitimate "genius IQ" able to understand quantum physics and string theory was completely unable to understand me explaining my feelings or side of a story...He would repeatedly and without fail, misconstrue what I was saying.

 

That's another note to make for future relationships... if someone can't "get" you, don't bother moving forward. Doesn't matter WHY... could be that he's another abuser. Could be that he's immature or simply not on the same wavelength. But what's the point of being with someone who can never truly know who you are?

[Frank2thepoint]

I read the entire post. I was really sad. NotYourBabyAnymore, I'm sorry you had to suffer this man-child for two years. I really do wish for your sake you could of left him a lot sooner from that sham of a relationship, but often you have to experience it to learn a valuable lesson. I hope you never break no contact with this vile user. It will be a long road to heal, but you can do it, just focus on nurturing your self-respect and self-worth. Stay strong, and never respond to any form of contact your ex-boyfriend sends your way. Since he lives pretty close to you, if you do see him, just make sure to avoid him, or he'll use his honey-words to coerce you in someway. Walk hard.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Thank you for reading the entire post and replying Frank2ThePoint I appreciate it a lot.

 

So far he has been very respectful of my space, though he thinks this is a "break" rather than a "breakup" because I told him after 60 days NC I would be open to reevaluating how I feel. I'd like to make my intentions to him very clear at that point that I am done with this relationship for good . I honestly do not forsee him trying to weasel his way back in, I mean he obviously doesn't even like me or he wouldnt have treated me the way he did, and I think he has too much pride to go chasing after someone who doesn't want him.

 

No fear about ever running into him, he never leaves his basement.

[hoping2heal]

Run so fast your head spins.

 

I'm glad you acknowledges this is now what love looks / feels like.

 

You don't need anyone who makes you feel humiliated, ever. I don't care if it is not a fist. Degrading you and making you feel like a fool is not what any man (or woman) should ever, EVER, everrrrrrrrr be doing.

 

Do not ever tolerate that again (please, I'm asking nicely, for your interest).

[turnera]

I started reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".

Next read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It's MUCH more comprehensive and will help a lot.

[littleplanet]

"This is not what love looks like.

This is not what love feels like."

 

 

You said it.

You nailed it.

 

Whatever disorder you might actually have......you are not at all beyond the capability of knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy.

 

But hey. I was abused as a kid.

After I wasn't a kid anymore, I never ever was abused again. And it's been a long time.

It is possible to change any cycle, any pattern.

 

You do trust your own gut-responses, your own feelings.

Otherwise, how can you ever know yourself? You're living your life. It belongs to you.....not to a diagnosis.

It is not so much a matter of sensitivity.

It's a matter of right and wrong.

And deep down inside, you always know the difference.

 

If you know what kindness looks like, feels like, sounds like......that's all you really need to know.

(Because the opposite is so very, very different.)

 

Do you deserve better than what you got?

Of course you do!

 

Remember - nothing is only zero.

Some 'somethings' are minus that.

What you're after is the plus.

 

Good luck to you!