Is this abuse, or am I too sensitive? [VERY LONG]

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Turnera Thank you for your reply. I will look for that book as well.

 

Little planet:

Thank you also for replying it means a lot that people went out of their way to read such a long post and respond.

 

I have been accused my entire life of being too sensitive, making much ado about nothing, OCD is crippling anxiety often over something completely trivial to other people.

 

I was abused as a kid, I was abused as a teenager, I was abused in my relationships and the theme to every single abuse was my abusers convincing me it was in my head.

 

I have literally been trained since early childhood to believe it is my fault my problem, and in my head.

[littleplanet]

Turnera Thank you for your reply. I will look for that book as well.

 

Little planet:

Thank you also for replying it means a lot that people went out of their way to read such a long post and respond.

 

I have been accused my entire life of being too sensitive, making much ado about nothing, OCD is crippling anxiety often over something completely trivial to other people.

 

I was abused as a kid, I was abused as a teenager, I was abused in my relationships and the theme to every single abuse was my abusers convincing me it was in my head.

 

I have literally been trained since early childhood to believe it is my fault my problem, and in my head.

 

 

We all of us have our faults.

Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

 

Abusers are good people, bad people and ever other kind (though obviously, not everyone abuses...)

 

But the ones that do - fall into a pattern, just as much as you do. They don't know, don't believe (or don't care) that they abuse. Otherwise, they'd feel lousy and stop doing it.

 

But hey. You weren't born to be abused. That is not your fate in life.

Very important: to know it when you feel it.

 

A good person, no matter what the interpersonal dynamics - will not abuse. They may do any number of other things, including distancing themselves - but their own moral code steps in before it gets that far.

 

 

You are right and proper in what you say: that the pattern is obvious to you, you know it and understand it.

Only when you have a chance to live your life without someone trying to convince you that the problem is all with you......can you see the world and yourself in it, in a different way, a better way. A life in which you can feel yourself a good person with something valuable to offer.

 

Too often, the wrong sort of people can be attracted to someone they believe they can dominate (as if that is their 'comfort' zone.)

So ultimately, they are attracted for the wrong reasons.

And then keep it going by convincing you (as you say) that the problem is all with you.

 

But all it takes is one person who is attracted for the right reasons.

That is something entirely different.

And if they don't show up?

Well, a zero is better than a minus. A minus is always negative.

 

But don't give up.

When you're looking for something you've never known, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

When you break a pattern in your life, that change can sometimes lead to something you've never experienced before. Something better.

 

You are not the sum total of any disability. There is so much more to you - than just that.

 

I wish you all the best.

Good luck to you!

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Next read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It's MUCH more comprehensive and will help a lot.

 

In half way through, this is really insightful. Thank you.

[todreaminblue]

I read your whole post and i wont lie it was a wall of words.....mostly disheartening words i speed read so i pick out from a wall of words all the consequentials you don't want to know what i actually read its depressing..i had one eye shut....kidding....only through some of the wall........then i read the last bit and it made it all better...because i read it word for word.,....... you asked him to leave you told him it wasn't love and that you realized what love is meant to feel like.....i am happy for you....not with the wall you faced of words and actions behind the words that you wrote....but the outcome....for you ...is a brighter future with the hope of finding someone who truly loves you....best wishes....

 

 

in answer to your question....i think you know the answer for you....to me if someone is abusing me its clear cut like crystal....i always try to see the side of the person delivering...helps me to mediate and get out alive....abuse as i said with me is clear cut .........they cant beat me with words...so they break me other ways.......but doesnt mean i have to accept the delivery lying down....you took it long enough....dont look back......best wishes.....deb

[turnera]

I was abused as a kid, I was abused as a teenager, I was abused in my relationships and the theme to every single abuse was my abusers convincing me it was in my head.

 

I have literally been trained since early childhood to believe it is my fault my problem, and in my head.

 

Sounds like a good time in your life to just stop looking for relationships and focus on yourself. Volunteer. Join groups that do what you like to do.

[freestyle]

OP---I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through so much abuse.

And yes---his behavior towards you was abusive, absolutely.

he was a 'chopper'

 

Are You Dealing With A ?Chopper?? When Somebody Keeps Trying To Cut You Down | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

 

Unfortunately--one of the side effects of being abused as a child, is that one can tend to second-guess themselves as an adult, which can be a factor in getting involved in harmful relationships.

 

Adult Children of Abuse (ACoA's)-- weren't taught healthy boundaries during their formative years, they were taught to 'put up & shut up'.

 

They were taught that their needs/thoughts/feelings weren't important.Or 'wrong'. (which is an utter lie, btw...) They were given no tools for developing healthy self-esteem.

 

Breaking free from this way of thinking is a long process for an ACoA, but it can be done.

 

 

Lundy Bancroft & Patricia Evans are definitely helpful reads, & I'd like to recommend doing some reading on boundaries, as well. "Baggage Reclaim" is a blog with a lot of helpful articles & insights for that--It's written by a woman who overcame low self-esteem, & being mistreated by her family of origin...

 

 

I wish you my best on your healing journey.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

ToDreamInBlue Thank you for reading through my post.

I hope I have the strength and self love to keep away from people like this.

 

Turnera: I was single for SEVEN years after my divorce, from a man much much worse than my current ex.

 

If 7 years of "doing me" wasn't enough what is?

Why should IK have to be alone for the rest of my life because other people want to be horrible to me.

 

It is really so unfair, and I am so ANGRY about it.

 

No sorry I am not being alone again for years and years on end, with some idea of "doing me" I am not punishing myself because other people are *******s, if someone who seems nice comes along I am giving them a chance. I cannot close myself off from the possibility of love.

I won't.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Freestyle:

 

I have read some of the baggage reclaim stuff years ago but I think I'll give it another look -through, ty for the suggestion.

 

the chopper article looks like it is incredibly relevant to my situation.

 

I am many many weeks NC and I still wince thinking about the things he said to me, constantly.

 

 

and yet part of me wants to call him, so badly and hear that he loves me.

ugh

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

"it’s the fact that they’ve misrepresented themselves or that you’re likely to see who they truly are that has them chopping at you in the first place."

 

so insightful.

 

also that these types "future fake">

 

He faked wanting to be married, and live together and have a family. He never wanted any of that with me.

He wanted someone to adore him.

The end.

[turnera]

Turnera: I was single for SEVEN years after my divorce, from a man much much worse than my current ex.

 

If 7 years of "doing me" wasn't enough what is?

Why should IK have to be alone for the rest of my life because other people want to be horrible to me.

 

It is really so unfair, and I am so ANGRY about it.

 

No sorry I am not being alone again for years and years on end, with some idea of "doing me" I am not punishing myself because other people are *******s, if someone who seems nice comes along I am giving them a chance. I cannot close myself off from the possibility of love.

I won't.

What did you DO with those 7 years? I'm guessing it wasn't reading books about abuse and psychology and seeing an IC on a regular basis to learn what your weak areas are and learning how to spot abusers and see red flags, since you just walked right back into the 'same' relationship and didn't leave the very instant he started doing the same things the first guy did. If you don't do work on you, all you ensure is that you pick yet another loser. Do you even know what red flags to look for?

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

Actually he was nothing like my x husband, and never laid a hand on me.

 

My ex husband would hold me hostage for 6-9 hour stretches in our bedroom waiting between 5 seconds and 5 minutes to Punch, bite, kick, or spit on me accompanied by VILE insults.

You never knew exactly what or exactly when but you knew it was coming.

 

This is entirely night and day scenarios, not comparable except that thanks to the seven years I spent working on my self esteem, and giving myself a life I want to live, I can walk away when I realize that a person is not good for me.

 

and did.

 

and yes I do know the red flags to look out for.

 

My ex has a 183 IQ which is extraordinarily high, well into "genius" territory.

 

He completely faked himself to me and I refuse to take personal responsibility for not catching it until later on when I was already very much in love with him.

 

Incredibly intelligent people have an easy time lying and manipulating others.

I'm not blaming myself for being taken advantage of and lied to and I am not closing myself off from potential love with good people because this guy was an asshat.

[Schooner]

I read your full post for the first time today, and while my heart goes out to you, so does my respect and admiration. You've ended an abusive relationship, recognised the issues and stayed strong through nc all while having a job, raising a child and dealing with ocd.

 

I also have ocd so I do understand the mental to-ing and fro-ing that you will have been suffering.

 

Your ex obviously sets great store by his supposed IQ, yet he doesn't come across as all that bright... Still, even if he does have a high IQ the number doesn't mean much when taken as part of a whole person, in much the same way as his 100 metre sprint time matters. I could go on about what a loser he is, but you already know that.

 

Reclaim your body and brain and don't break nc EVER, even to tell him it's still over. Odds are he will not respond even if you break nc, it would be the last tiny bit of control he could exercise over you. Don't give him the pleasure.

 

It is evident from your post that you are intelligent and articulate, and the great news is that your life will get better and better because you can make it so.

 

Would you consider going back to college?

 

I'm really cheering you on, and would give you a hug if I could.

[turnera]

Then I suggest you next read Getting The Love You Want. It will help you understand why we pick the people we pick.

[NotYourBabyAnymore]

schooner, I am working towards going to university to become a midwife. I have to take breaks and it slows me down but I never give up.

 

thanks tunera I will check out that book

[pteromom]

I think you are going to be OK.

 

You will go on to find someone who is kind and respectful and loving.